We are all still feeling pretty crappy, so crappy that Brian is
staying home from work tomorrow, so crappy that I think I will be
taking Ariel to see the doctor, so crappy that tonight I cleaned the CRAP
out of my garage. not literally crap, I just mean I cleaned it really
well.
Isn’t that what you do when you’re sick?
We are having a garage sale on Friday and Saturday and we are
donating 50% of the proceeds to my Light The Night fundraising, so the
garage really needed to be cleaned. While cleaning it I
couldn’t help but notice that everything I was going to move had a
freakin’ spider on it and y’all, I hate spiders and it runs in the
family.
A few weeks ago Ariel and Racecar were sitting at the table having
lunch, between bites they were talking about spiders (GROSS!) and
laughing at the spider running on the floor (GAG ME!). I nonchalantly
walked over to the kitchen area and peered down at the ground and said
"I don’t see a spider." and they said "look, behind you!" at which
point I crapped my pants and turned around, looked down and did not see
a dog gone thing. Thank. The. Lord.
A few minutes later I was giving them a bowl of fruit and walked
into my living room, I instinctively lengthened my stride to walk over
something that was lying on the floor.
I froze and turned around and saw a massive ugly brown spider. My
older sister coined the phrase "big brown" when referring to ginormous
ugly leggy thick spiders. We used the term so much that it turned into
an actual breed of a spider. We would be like "oh crap, there’s a
spider in the corner of the room."
"What kind of Spider?"
"A big Brown."
The dreaded big brown.
And the spider on the floor right at the entrance of MY living room,
was the MOTHER of ALL BIG BROWNS. The Pimp. The Queen. The Boss.
Both kids were staring at me, waiting for my for reaction. I coolly said "OH MY GOD." Ariel said "step on it."
I said "I can’t." I was secretly afraid it would grab my shoe and
throw it across the room and be like "whatch you got now, beotch?" And
then I would pass out and die.
Then Ariel said "maybe you should shoot it."
A grand idea, except I have no firearms in my house.
And the light bulb went off. BLEACH. I could douse it with
bleach. I could kill it with harsh chemicals and grab the huge remains
with a wad of paper towels. Brilliance, no doubt. I ran to the other
side of my living room and entered my kitchen and grabbed the bottle of
spray bleach and I ran towards the spider screaming with my arms
flailing and I started spraying the Big Brown like a crazed militant.
And it look at me like "what the hell?" and bolted into the other direction. Unscathed. All in one piece.
At which point I stomped on top of the thing, banshee style, for a
good 30 seconds. I could not find the remains, so I vacuumed the
area. For a very long time.
All this while my kids watched. To think my original goal was to teach them that Big Browns are not scary, they’re lovely.
But they’re not. They’re assholes.
Later that day I came across another spider, probably the last
spider’s cousin and he was mad. I could tell. I was sitting on the
toilet and he was in the corner near the tub flipping me off. Eight
times. I couldn’t think straight, I knew he was mad because I killed
his cousin so I ran and you guessed it. I grabbed the bleach. I
doused this bad boy, and all that I saw was a pure white spider runner
wildly towards the door. Again, I stepped on it. At the end of the
day I had some very clean spots on my floors.
So, tonight, I was cleaning the garage with our massive shop vac and
I had to have vacuumed up about 3,213 stupid spiders, big ones, little
ones and you guessed it, Big Browns. Some tried to run and some
politely surrendered, but one will stick in my mind. He was the Lt.
Dan’s of the Spider People. He held on to the garage door and did not
budge, like Lt. Dan raising his fists at the hurricane while standing
on top of the shrimpin’ boat, cursing the Gods. This spider was
raising his fists, cursing the Shop Vac Gods, and well, the Big Brown
won, I could not get him.
I hope he has mercy on me and doesn’t crawl on my face in the middle of the night.
That would totally suck.
I’ll keep bleach by my bedside. Just in case.
Oh man! We are having spider issues here too. It must have something to do with our whether. I killed three spiders in our garage that were the size of a golf ball each! Seriously!
Oh man! We are having spider issues here too. It must have something to do with our whether. I killed three spiders in our garage that were the size of a golf ball each! Seriously!
I have never read something so funny in my life. Beth you crack me up.
Steph
I have never read something so funny in my life. Beth you crack me up.
Steph
Oh my – it was WAY TOO EARLY in the morning to read this one …. yuck yuck and double yuck. I know ‘Big Browns’ – my mom was bitten by one and got very sick actually. Yuck Yuck double yuck – and funny post by the way – that is what kept me reading!! Congrats on the clean garage – I think I’ll leave the dust lay to ensure the big guys STAY out there!!!!
Oh my – it was WAY TOO EARLY in the morning to read this one …. yuck yuck and double yuck. I know ‘Big Browns’ – my mom was bitten by one and got very sick actually. Yuck Yuck double yuck – and funny post by the way – that is what kept me reading!! Congrats on the clean garage – I think I’ll leave the dust lay to ensure the big guys STAY out there!!!!
Ugh, spiders aren’t my favorite. But this time of year they’re moving in by the droves. My Dyson and I are constant spide-sucking companions.
Ugh, spiders aren’t my favorite. But this time of year they’re moving in by the droves. My Dyson and I are constant spide-sucking companions.
Oy Veh! I’m not as brave as you are in dealing with spiders. If I see a big ugly one, I usually run away screaming to my husband, telling him to go kill it!
Oy Veh! I’m not as brave as you are in dealing with spiders. If I see a big ugly one, I usually run away screaming to my husband, telling him to go kill it!
Gross – nasty – I hate spiders too. I love Ariel’s comment to shoot it! Crazy girl! Jason has been using Home Defense by Ortho which you spray around the perimeter of your house and it helps dramatically cut down the number of spiders and other bugs that want to enter your home uninvited. Who do these spiders think they are? Don’t mess with the bleach-spray-shop-vac queen! This was a very funny and witty post. Loved it!
Gross – nasty – I hate spiders too. I love Ariel’s comment to shoot it! Crazy girl! Jason has been using Home Defense by Ortho which you spray around the perimeter of your house and it helps dramatically cut down the number of spiders and other bugs that want to enter your home uninvited. Who do these spiders think they are? Don’t mess with the bleach-spray-shop-vac queen! This was a very funny and witty post. Loved it!
This made me laugh so hard because I could totally see me doing the same thing!
This made me laugh so hard because I could totally see me doing the same thing!
Oh my gosh…that was hilarious. I can totally see spiders looking at me EXACTLY as you described they were looking at you. That was awesome. I’m printing that story and putting it up in my cubicle to read on a rainy day. I loved it. Thanks for being so dog gone hilarious. k bye
Oh my gosh…that was hilarious. I can totally see spiders looking at me EXACTLY as you described they were looking at you. That was awesome. I’m printing that story and putting it up in my cubicle to read on a rainy day. I loved it. Thanks for being so dog gone hilarious. k bye
Funniest story ever! My favorite part: “Just shoot it, Mom” SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY! I wish I could have seen the whole thing!!
Funniest story ever! My favorite part: “Just shoot it, Mom” SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY! I wish I could have seen the whole thing!!
So funny! We once had roaches in a rent house we live in. I felt the same way about them. There’s nothing like waking up in the middle of the night with them on your face and in your hair….YIKES!!!!
So funny! We once had roaches in a rent house we live in. I felt the same way about them. There’s nothing like waking up in the middle of the night with them on your face and in your hair….YIKES!!!!
[...] worst part of my garage? THE SPIDERS. (did I ever tell you about the time I was sleeping and I felt something crawling on my face and [...]
Dying from the ssmiles in my face for real.
Steph
oh my word. i’m so thankful for you in my life!!! HILARIOUS.
vacuuming the smithereens that you can’t even see? awesome.
O.M.G. I am just about rolling on the floor! You are so funny! I used to refuse to walk on the same spot that I stepped on a spider. hehe great laugh. Thank you!
OMG!! I just boiled all of the water out of my boiled eggs! Gross! I just couldn’t stop reading your posts!! Honey, You are a stitch!! Thank you so much for your amazing sense of humor!! As a Mom of 4 boys, spiders are in regular attendance at my house and crickets ( Double GAG) to feed the “dragons” my #1 son owns. Nice! Keep it up! Love it!!