Archive for March, 2008
Five weeks ago
Posted by: | CommentsFive weeks ago right now – I was doing just as I am doing now. Catching up on work, reading blogs, watching Racecar play Wii. Five weeks ago right now, I was so excited about being chosen as a finalist for the Pinks and Blues Virtual Baby Shower. I couldn’t wait to see how the results played out. Whether I won or not, I could not believe I was chosen to be a top 10 finalist when there were over 500 entries. I was honored. It was five weeks ago today that the voting opened.
My phone rang. Things happened. I eventually went to see if my friend, a nurse at my OB’s office, could hear the twins’ heartbeats. I never doubted she would be able to, I just wanted to KNOW and FEEL BETTER once I was reassured.
That’s not what happened.
After spending what seemed like hours at the hospital in the ultrasound room and going back up to the doctor’s office to discuss delivering my babies – at 19 weeks – we came home. The doctor told me to eat, so I did. I made a turkey sandwich. My niece came over to stay with the kids overnight. It was 5:00 p.m. We made plans to be at the hospital at seven. I e-mailed Ariel’s teacher and told her Ariel would not be at school the following day. I told her why. I then e-mailed Pinks and Blues and told them what was going on. I obviously could no longer be a finalist for the baby shower, it broke my heart to send that e-mail. Not because I lost my chance to win the shower, but because I lost my babies. The true prize, the true gift.
I have many thoughts regarding Sharon, Jane and Audrey at Pinks and Blues. I feel so much love for them because of the amazing support they have shown me during this horrific ride we have been on. Sharon wrote this post, such beautiful words, remembering James and Jake. I often go back and read that post, my heart aches but swells with love at the same time. (please. click on that link and read that post.)
Because of Pinks and Blues, we took a family picture, the one on my March of Dimes badge up there on the left. One week after taking that, I was home from the hospital, no longer pregnant, surrounded by family, surrounded by flowers, surrounded by grief. But I see that picture and somehow, it makes me so happy and so sad, all at the same time. I see that picture and I wish I could warn me, "WATCH OUT. Your life is going to change. You will never be the same. You will be in pain. You will be devastated. But I think you’ll be okay."
It’s the only family picture we have with me being pregnant with James and Jake. I have no doubt it’s why I was chosen to be a finalist. For that picture.
When Pinks and Blues informed me that I was a finalist, they asked me to write the story of when I found out James and Jake were twins. I’m going to share that now. This is my journal, this blog. I want document all I can, happy moments and sad moments.
This is one of the happiest moments of my entire life. Right here.
____________________________________
twins was a total shock, although I had a few people making the prediction. One
of the people making that prediction was my mother, who had identical twin boys,
who are now 34. Because there is no genetic relationship for identicals, I
never thought for a second that I could be lucky enough to have twins. The
other person predicting twins was my husband.
woke up with cramps and was very concerned. I called my doctor in the late
morning and they returned my call in the early afternoon, telling me that I
would need a STAT ultrasound. Unfortunately, my husband was at work in Chicago
and was unable to be there. My parents, who happened to be off of work that
day, met me at the hospital to watch my kids in the waiting
room.
and I was very nervous. It was an internal ultrasound
and as soon as it began I looked up at the screen, I was devastated because I
saw nothing. I turned away from the screen in disbelief. It was then that my
disbelief turned into pure shock when the tech asked me if I had twins in my
family. I replied, while stuttering and propping myself up on my elbows,
stretching to see the screen, "Well, yes, but they’re identical, so they’re not
hereditary, why are there twins in there?!?!!?" She said she would have a
closer look and about 10 seconds later she said the words that would rock our
worlds for that day and forever "you are having twins." I immediately started
to cry, while covering my face in disbelief. I was so relieved that I was not
having a miscarriage, but so excited and shocked at hearing the huge news. I
also could not believe that my husband was not there by my side sharing this
unforgettable moment with me. All I could think about was that I could not
possibly tell my parents before telling my husband, but how could I possibly
look at my parents and not tell them? Especially after hearing my Mom for the
past three weeks tell me almost daily that I was having twins.
tech if I could call my husband from inside the room once the ultrasound was
over, she said I could.
room, I stood up and started to get dressed, but I couldn’t even do that, I was
too excited. I shakily called my husband who answered his phone at work right
away. I said to him "Everything is fine, we saw a
heartbeat."
one?"
"WHAT!?!?!"
we are going to have twins!"
him crying at his desk, at work. We got off of the phone, I got dressed and
headed into the waiting room, where my parents were sitting with our children,
our children who did not even know about the pregnancy. I said to my Mom
"everything is good, we saw a heartbeat."
with one hand underneath her chin. She pulled her hand away from her chin and
mouthed the words "just one?" while holding up one finger. I said no. She
replied, "two???" while holding up two fingers. I nodded excitedly. She began
to cry.
reaction by everyone we know and love, will always be etched deep inside me. We
feel so lucky to not only be having these twins, but to also be celebrating this
blessing with our family and friends.
_______________________
Thank you, Sharon, Jane and Audrey. Just thank you.
Comment of the Week
Posted by: | CommentsYou have to read
this. Susan from Arkansas left this comment on Tuesday on my post
"Where are you? How fast can you type?" I had to share and have now been inspired to have a "comment of the week" every Sunday. Hooray
for Susan for being the first.
"Okay, you asked. I spent Easter weekend with my three beautiful children and my
husband at an out of state amusement park having a wonderful time. Got to visit
with some old friends and show my children new things…all while prepping for
a colonoscopy. The five hour drive home was a bit challenging as they got to
eat yummy smelling fast food while I enjoyed my liquid diet. When we finally
arrived home, I took my laxative, the other laxative and the last laxative
while I did laundry and prepared the children to return to school. I used an
entire roll of toilet paper and didn’t get much sleep that night. After sending
the children off to school, (while dehydrated and sleep-deprived; me, not the
children), I glanced at the calendar to prepare myself for the week. And I noticed
the colonoscopy was NEXT WEEK. DOO DOO. And I don’t say that lightly."
This past Thursday
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a post. I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post. Being busy is good. Real good.
I have many fears. I didn’t know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body. I guess I should say, I didn’t know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body. I can’t speak for everyone, I can only speak for me. But I wonder if you understand.
I have many fears and many anxieties. Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I’m not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy. Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me. I hate it. I can’t stand it. If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief. But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again. Forever.
The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends. Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don’t want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it’s not that easy.
I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist. Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn’t even set in with me. But I told her because I didn’t want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy. I’ve been known to do that once twice before. After the twins died, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn’t know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief. I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear.
Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake’s obituary in the paper and sent us a card – so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared. Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.
I feared going into my doctor’s office where we learned James and Jake were boys. My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one. But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much. Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced. I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed." Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love. I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly. A good memory with them, we do have so few.
This past Thursday, I faced these fears. Head on. I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend’s house while I went to the other doctor’s office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister.
Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears. I liked it. I hated it. It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.
I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were. Giant hurdles. And I jumped over them and landed on my feet. This past Thursday.
I am certain that the ultrasound tech was right, we are so blessed.
Don’t ask me.
Posted by: | CommentsI don’t know much about Twitter, but I’m doing it anyway. I guess I think you don’t know enough about me as it is. Here I am.
Be Kind. Be Understanding.
Posted by: | CommentsEven though I would give anything to not be in the middle of my own
“grieving process,” I realized soon after the twins’ memorial service
that there is so much from their deaths that I can learn from, life
lessons that will hopefully make me a better mother, wife, daughter,
sister and friend. Saying this doesn’t mean I can accept what has
happened, but it does mean I can accept the fact that I can become a
better person because of it.
I can remember standing in the ultrasound room, after hearing that
the twins were no longer alive, I can remember calling my Mom and
telling her the news. I don’t know what I said to her, but I know she
said “oh, Beth, I’m so sorry,” and she said this while
crying. I said I was sorry, too. I got off of the phone and collapsed
into my husband’s arms, I remember crying so hard and saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.”
It was so hard to just call my Mom and tell her our devastating news,
how could I possibly live through their deaths and dealing with our
loss. I felt with all of my heart and soul that I could not do what I
have been doing for the past four weeks.
But I have been doing it, because I do not have a choice, and not
just because I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I
feel like it’s my responsibility, but I also must get through this for me.
I am the person who has to look at myself in the mirror each day and
see the grief, I am the one who has to wake up each morning and feel
the ache in my heart that manages to affect my entire body and I can
feel the darkness surrounding my thoughts. I am the one who understands
that if I do not deal with our personal tragedy properly, it could
negatively affect my family forever or even end my marriage. I am the
one who faces strangers at checkout lines and strangers at the Post
Office who have no idea what I have been through, I can only hope they
forgive me for not smiling a real smile back at them.
But on the same hand, what I have learned is that the next time I
smile at a stranger and that person doesn’t smile back at me, rather
than judging them and thinking the worst, I’ll just try to understand
that I have no idea where they have been. Maybe they, too, just lost a
loved one, maybe they just had a fight with their wife or husband or
their boss, maybe they couldn’t sleep the night before. Whatever it is,
when I’m ready, I’ll be sure to smile at people no matter what and I
won’t care what kind of response I get, I’ll just hope that my genuine
smile and the understanding in my eyes, will make even the slightest
positive impact on their day, if even for a split second. That’s how my
boys will live on, through me, through strangers and that is what will
help make me the best Me and the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister
and Friend that I can be.
For my boys, it’s the least I can do.
If you are reading this and have been affected by the loss of our
boys, I hope this is something you will do, too. Be kind, be
understanding.
This post is cross posted on my other blog Laptops to Countertops at NWI Parent.
