Five weeks ago right now – I was doing just as I am doing now. Catching up on work, reading blogs, watching Racecar play Wii. Five weeks ago right now, I was so excited about being chosen as a finalist for the Pinks and Blues Virtual Baby Shower. I couldn’t wait to see how the results played out. Whether I won or not, I could not believe I was chosen to be a top 10 finalist when there were over 500 entries. I was honored. It was five weeks ago today that the voting opened.
My phone rang. Things happened. I eventually went to see if my friend, a nurse at my OB’s office, could hear the twins’ heartbeats. I never doubted she would be able to, I just wanted to KNOW and FEEL BETTER once I was reassured.
That’s not what happened.
After spending what seemed like hours at the hospital in the ultrasound room and going back up to the doctor’s office to discuss delivering my babies – at 19 weeks – we came home. The doctor told me to eat, so I did. I made a turkey sandwich. My niece came over to stay with the kids overnight. It was 5:00 p.m. We made plans to be at the hospital at seven. I e-mailed Ariel’s teacher and told her Ariel would not be at school the following day. I told her why. I then e-mailed Pinks and Blues and told them what was going on. I obviously could no longer be a finalist for the baby shower, it broke my heart to send that e-mail. Not because I lost my chance to win the shower, but because I lost my babies. The true prize, the true gift.
I have many thoughts regarding Sharon, Jane and Audrey at Pinks and Blues. I feel so much love for them because of the amazing support they have shown me during this horrific ride we have been on. Sharon wrote this post, such beautiful words, remembering James and Jake. I often go back and read that post, my heart aches but swells with love at the same time. (please. click on that link and read that post.)
Because of Pinks and Blues, we took a family picture, the one on my March of Dimes badge up there on the left. One week after taking that, I was home from the hospital, no longer pregnant, surrounded by family, surrounded by flowers, surrounded by grief. But I see that picture and somehow, it makes me so happy and so sad, all at the same time. I see that picture and I wish I could warn me, "WATCH OUT. Your life is going to change. You will never be the same. You will be in pain. You will be devastated. But I think you’ll be okay."
It’s the only family picture we have with me being pregnant with James and Jake. I have no doubt it’s why I was chosen to be a finalist. For that picture.
When Pinks and Blues informed me that I was a finalist, they asked me to write the story of when I found out James and Jake were twins. I’m going to share that now. This is my journal, this blog. I want document all I can, happy moments and sad moments.
This is one of the happiest moments of my entire life. Right here.
____________________________________
twins was a total shock, although I had a few people making the prediction. One
of the people making that prediction was my mother, who had identical twin boys,
who are now 34. Because there is no genetic relationship for identicals, I
never thought for a second that I could be lucky enough to have twins. The
other person predicting twins was my husband.
woke up with cramps and was very concerned. I called my doctor in the late
morning and they returned my call in the early afternoon, telling me that I
would need a STAT ultrasound. Unfortunately, my husband was at work in Chicago
and was unable to be there. My parents, who happened to be off of work that
day, met me at the hospital to watch my kids in the waiting
room.
and I was very nervous. It was an internal ultrasound
and as soon as it began I looked up at the screen, I was devastated because I
saw nothing. I turned away from the screen in disbelief. It was then that my
disbelief turned into pure shock when the tech asked me if I had twins in my
family. I replied, while stuttering and propping myself up on my elbows,
stretching to see the screen, "Well, yes, but they’re identical, so they’re not
hereditary, why are there twins in there?!?!!?" She said she would have a
closer look and about 10 seconds later she said the words that would rock our
worlds for that day and forever "you are having twins." I immediately started
to cry, while covering my face in disbelief. I was so relieved that I was not
having a miscarriage, but so excited and shocked at hearing the huge news. I
also could not believe that my husband was not there by my side sharing this
unforgettable moment with me. All I could think about was that I could not
possibly tell my parents before telling my husband, but how could I possibly
look at my parents and not tell them? Especially after hearing my Mom for the
past three weeks tell me almost daily that I was having twins.
tech if I could call my husband from inside the room once the ultrasound was
over, she said I could.
room, I stood up and started to get dressed, but I couldn’t even do that, I was
too excited. I shakily called my husband who answered his phone at work right
away. I said to him "Everything is fine, we saw a
heartbeat."
one?"
"WHAT!?!?!"
we are going to have twins!"
him crying at his desk, at work. We got off of the phone, I got dressed and
headed into the waiting room, where my parents were sitting with our children,
our children who did not even know about the pregnancy. I said to my Mom
"everything is good, we saw a heartbeat."
with one hand underneath her chin. She pulled her hand away from her chin and
mouthed the words "just one?" while holding up one finger. I said no. She
replied, "two???" while holding up two fingers. I nodded excitedly. She began
to cry.
reaction by everyone we know and love, will always be etched deep inside me. We
feel so lucky to not only be having these twins, but to also be celebrating this
blessing with our family and friends.
_______________________
Thank you, Sharon, Jane and Audrey. Just thank you.
