Be Kind. Be Understanding.

Even though I would give anything to not be in the middle of my own
“grieving process,” I realized soon after the twins’ memorial service
that there is so much from their deaths that I can learn from, life
lessons that will hopefully make me a better mother, wife, daughter,
sister and friend. Saying this doesn’t mean I can accept what has
happened, but it does mean I can accept the fact that I can become a
better person because of it.

I can remember standing in the ultrasound room, after hearing that
the twins were no longer alive, I can remember calling my Mom and
telling her the news. I don’t know what I said to her, but I know she
said “oh, Beth, I’m so sorry,” and she said this while
crying. I said I was sorry, too. I got off of the phone and collapsed
into my husband’s arms, I remember crying so hard and saying “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.”
It was so hard to just call my Mom and tell her our devastating news,
how could I possibly live through their deaths and dealing with our
loss. I felt with all of my heart and soul that I could not do what I
have been doing for the past four weeks.

But I have been doing it, because I do not have a choice, and not
just because I am a mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I
feel like it’s my responsibility, but I also must get through this for me.
I am the person who has to look at myself in the mirror each day and
see the grief, I am the one who has to wake up each morning and feel
the ache in my heart that manages to affect my entire body and I can
feel the darkness surrounding my thoughts. I am the one who understands
that if I do not deal with our personal tragedy properly, it could
negatively affect my family forever or even end my marriage. I am the
one who faces strangers at checkout lines and strangers at the Post
Office who have no idea what I have been through, I can only hope they
forgive me for not smiling a real smile back at them.

But on the same hand, what I have learned is that the next time I
smile at a stranger and that person doesn’t smile back at me, rather
than judging them and thinking the worst, I’ll just try to understand
that I have no idea where they have been. Maybe they, too, just lost a
loved one, maybe they just had a fight with their wife or husband or
their boss, maybe they couldn’t sleep the night before. Whatever it is,
when I’m ready, I’ll be sure to smile at people no matter what and I
won’t care what kind of response I get, I’ll just hope that my genuine
smile and the understanding in my eyes, will make even the slightest
positive impact on their day, if even for a split second. That’s how my
boys will live on, through me, through strangers and that is what will
help make me the best Me and the best Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister
and Friend that I can be.

For my boys, it’s the least I can do.

If you are reading this and have been affected by the loss of our
boys, I hope this is something you will do, too. Be kind, be
understanding.

This post is cross posted on my other blog Laptops to Countertops at NWI Parent.