That’s what I did today. I cried. For forty-five minutes. Solid.
I’m exhausted and it’s only 11:00 a.m.
This morning I had my first appointment with my new psychologist, it was a 9:00 appointment, I was crying by 9:01 a.m. I’m amazed at how quickly my emotions will surface and jump out of my body and into someone’s ears. I feel like I’ve just been beat up, but in a good way, I guess.
This is the first time I’ve even been to a therapist, not that I’ve ever had anything against seeing a therapist, I just never felt like I needed to see one, until now. And it’s not so much that I’m sure I need to see one, I just wanted to try it, for my family. And for me. I go back next week, but my appointment is not until the evening, so that way I can crawl in bed afterwards and fall asleep.
Speaking of sleep, sleep is not coming very easily to me. And if it does, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night, for sometimes two hours, just thinking. I replay everything that has happened, from the moment of not be able to detect heartbeats via doppler to that very moment lying in bed. It’s like watching a movie, except it’s my movie and I don’t want it to be. I notice every detail, many times I remember something new when exploring the land of my mind, but I always end up in that place of sadness, in disbelief, soaking in fear.
Yesterday would have started my 23rd week of pregnancy, I can’t stand that I’m not pregnant any longer. Even though it’s been four weeks, today, in fact, that I learned of James and Jake’s death, I still can’t fathom the fact that they won’t be joining our family this summer. I can hardly bear it. Really. I can hardly bear it.
I need a nap.
Therapy is such a good idea – it will help you go through it, not float above it. Crying that long hurts so much, I know, and it’s so draining. So sorry that you’re having trouble sleeping and that your mind is replaying everything, that has to be so difficult. I wish I could give you a real life hug. You’re in my prayers.
Therapy is such a good idea – it will help you go through it, not float above it. Crying that long hurts so much, I know, and it’s so draining. So sorry that you’re having trouble sleeping and that your mind is replaying everything, that has to be so difficult. I wish I could give you a real life hug. You’re in my prayers.
I can’t believe it has already been 4 weeks… I truly wish you were going on week 23 instead. I’m praying that you’ll find comfort in your therapist meetings and that you can begin to heal in a safe and gentle way. If your love for James and Jake could be measured in tears, I’m sure there would be oceans and oceans of tears just for them. ~ Sending our hugs ~
I can’t believe it has already been 4 weeks… I truly wish you were going on week 23 instead. I’m praying that you’ll find comfort in your therapist meetings and that you can begin to heal in a safe and gentle way. If your love for James and Jake could be measured in tears, I’m sure there would be oceans and oceans of tears just for them. ~ Sending our hugs ~
((Hugs)) I hope therapy helps.
~ FC
((Hugs)) I hope therapy helps.
~ FC
i’m so glad that you decided to see a therapist. hopefully it helps some.
and i think crying is a good thing. better to let it out than to keep it bottled up inside.
sending big hugs your way,
JF
i’m so glad that you decided to see a therapist. hopefully it helps some.
and i think crying is a good thing. better to let it out than to keep it bottled up inside.
sending big hugs your way,
JF
I hope that talking to someone outside of your family helps a bit, as you won’t feel a need to hold anything back to spare their feelings too. Evening appointments sound much more manageable than morning ones. Who could cry it out for an hour and then shut off those big emotions and go about your day? This is a big step. You are a strong person for even starting this process and I truly hope it helps.
I hope that talking to someone outside of your family helps a bit, as you won’t feel a need to hold anything back to spare their feelings too. Evening appointments sound much more manageable than morning ones. Who could cry it out for an hour and then shut off those big emotions and go about your day? This is a big step. You are a strong person for even starting this process and I truly hope it helps.
coming out of lurkdom again…to offer you ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).
The last time I wrote I told you that I’m a mother to 6 kids(4 boys and 2 girls). What I didn’t tell you was that I suffered a miscarriage too. It was my 5th pregnancy. Too some, they saw the loss as a blessing because I already had 4 children at home. They thought my house was full already. But to me, my house felt empty. It was very difficult to grieve the loss of my baby because many didn’t understand. I think most didn’t know what to say, so many said nothing. I carried the pain for days, weeks, months, and even years. It ended up being a silent pain. I wasn’t allowed to show it to many people after a while….it got old to them.
I grew tremendously over the years because of my loss. I learned a great deal about myself. I grew stronger….more independent. I learned to speak up about things and to voice my opinion. I learned to not be afraid. There’s many stages of grief and believe me…you’ll hit them all. Just know that it’s OKAY! Talk about your boys when ever and where ever you are….it really is helpful and it will keep their memory alive.
As the years have passed for me, I’ve moved on with my grief and it’s funny because now I grieve the fact that I’m OKAY! The two girls(they’re singletons…not twins)that I had after the miscarriage have been my saving grace. I truly believe that I have them in my life because I had to give up something and go through that. The girls gave me hope. They give me love everyday and because of them(and my boys)I’ve been able to live.
I will never forget the little one that I lost for I know she’s in God’s loving arms.
Faith has always been a part of my life, but I must be honest that after the experience I really wondered if God was listening and if he was really there. I was broken.(Tears are running down my face). When people in real life could care less about what just happened and had moved on with their lives….God was the one that carried me. He picked me up. I knew God was with me. He never left me. I honestly said that I couldn’t carry the pain any longer and needed help…it was at that moment that I released everything. I gave it 100% to Him. I had too! I couldn’t do it alone any longer.
Give yourself time to grieve…remember the first year is always the most difficult because you’re experincing all the “firsts”. Let yourself grieve…allow yourself the right to do this. It’s okay!!!!
It comforted me to talk about it because then I was keeping her alive…I feared the day that I wouldn’t(it will help if you pick a few key people to share them with…for they can be your go to people when you’re feeling blue).
It’s been almost 5 years and to be honest…I’m good. She made me who I am today. She will always be a part of me
and your boys will always be a part of you 
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
coming out of lurkdom again…to offer you ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).
The last time I wrote I told you that I’m a mother to 6 kids(4 boys and 2 girls). What I didn’t tell you was that I suffered a miscarriage too. It was my 5th pregnancy. Too some, they saw the loss as a blessing because I already had 4 children at home. They thought my house was full already. But to me, my house felt empty. It was very difficult to grieve the loss of my baby because many didn’t understand. I think most didn’t know what to say, so many said nothing. I carried the pain for days, weeks, months, and even years. It ended up being a silent pain. I wasn’t allowed to show it to many people after a while….it got old to them.
I grew tremendously over the years because of my loss. I learned a great deal about myself. I grew stronger….more independent. I learned to speak up about things and to voice my opinion. I learned to not be afraid. There’s many stages of grief and believe me…you’ll hit them all. Just know that it’s OKAY! Talk about your boys when ever and where ever you are….it really is helpful and it will keep their memory alive.
As the years have passed for me, I’ve moved on with my grief and it’s funny because now I grieve the fact that I’m OKAY! The two girls(they’re singletons…not twins)that I had after the miscarriage have been my saving grace. I truly believe that I have them in my life because I had to give up something and go through that. The girls gave me hope. They give me love everyday and because of them(and my boys)I’ve been able to live.
I will never forget the little one that I lost for I know she’s in God’s loving arms.
Faith has always been a part of my life, but I must be honest that after the experience I really wondered if God was listening and if he was really there. I was broken.(Tears are running down my face). When people in real life could care less about what just happened and had moved on with their lives….God was the one that carried me. He picked me up. I knew God was with me. He never left me. I honestly said that I couldn’t carry the pain any longer and needed help…it was at that moment that I released everything. I gave it 100% to Him. I had too! I couldn’t do it alone any longer.
Give yourself time to grieve…remember the first year is always the most difficult because you’re experincing all the “firsts”. Let yourself grieve…allow yourself the right to do this. It’s okay!!!!
It comforted me to talk about it because then I was keeping her alive…I feared the day that I wouldn’t(it will help if you pick a few key people to share them with…for they can be your go to people when you’re feeling blue).
It’s been almost 5 years and to be honest…I’m good. She made me who I am today. She will always be a part of me
and your boys will always be a part of you 
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
coming out of lurkdom again…to offer you ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).
The last time I wrote I told you that I’m a mother to 6 kids(4 boys and 2 girls). What I didn’t tell you was that I suffered a miscarriage too. It was my 5th pregnancy. Too some, they saw the loss as a blessing because I already had 4 children at home. They thought my house was full already. But to me, my house felt empty. It was very difficult to grieve the loss of my baby because many didn’t understand. I think most didn’t know what to say, so many said nothing. I carried the pain for days, weeks, months, and even years. It ended up being a silent pain. I wasn’t allowed to show it to many people after a while….it got old to them.
I grew tremendously over the years because of my loss. I learned a great deal about myself. I grew stronger….more independent. I learned to speak up about things and to voice my opinion. I learned to not be afraid. There’s many stages of grief and believe me…you’ll hit them all. Just know that it’s OKAY! Talk about your boys when ever and where ever you are….it really is helpful and it will keep their memory alive.
As the years have passed for me, I’ve moved on with my grief and it’s funny because now I grieve the fact that I’m OKAY! The two girls(they’re singletons…not twins)that I had after the miscarriage have been my saving grace. I truly believe that I have them in my life because I had to give up something and go through that. The girls gave me hope. They give me love everyday and because of them(and my boys)I’ve been able to live.
I will never forget the little one that I lost for I know she’s in God’s loving arms.
Faith has always been a part of my life, but I must be honest that after the experience I really wondered if God was listening and if he was really there. I was broken.(Tears are running down my face). When people in real life could care less about what just happened and had moved on with their lives….God was the one that carried me. He picked me up. I knew God was with me. He never left me. I honestly said that I couldn’t carry the pain any longer and needed help…it was at that moment that I released everything. I gave it 100% to Him. I had too! I couldn’t do it alone any longer.
Give yourself time to grieve…remember the first year is always the most difficult because you’re experincing all the “firsts”. Let yourself grieve…allow yourself the right to do this. It’s okay!!!!
It comforted me to talk about it because then I was keeping her alive…I feared the day that I wouldn’t(it will help if you pick a few key people to share them with…for they can be your go to people when you’re feeling blue).
It’s been almost 5 years and to be honest…I’m good. She made me who I am today. She will always be a part of me
and your boys will always be a part of you 
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
coming out of lurkdom again…to offer you ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).
The last time I wrote I told you that I’m a mother to 6 kids(4 boys and 2 girls). What I didn’t tell you was that I suffered a miscarriage too. It was my 5th pregnancy. Too some, they saw the loss as a blessing because I already had 4 children at home. They thought my house was full already. But to me, my house felt empty. It was very difficult to grieve the loss of my baby because many didn’t understand. I think most didn’t know what to say, so many said nothing. I carried the pain for days, weeks, months, and even years. It ended up being a silent pain. I wasn’t allowed to show it to many people after a while….it got old to them.
I grew tremendously over the years because of my loss. I learned a great deal about myself. I grew stronger….more independent. I learned to speak up about things and to voice my opinion. I learned to not be afraid. There’s many stages of grief and believe me…you’ll hit them all. Just know that it’s OKAY! Talk about your boys when ever and where ever you are….it really is helpful and it will keep their memory alive.
As the years have passed for me, I’ve moved on with my grief and it’s funny because now I grieve the fact that I’m OKAY! The two girls(they’re singletons…not twins)that I had after the miscarriage have been my saving grace. I truly believe that I have them in my life because I had to give up something and go through that. The girls gave me hope. They give me love everyday and because of them(and my boys)I’ve been able to live.
I will never forget the little one that I lost for I know she’s in God’s loving arms.
Faith has always been a part of my life, but I must be honest that after the experience I really wondered if God was listening and if he was really there. I was broken.(Tears are running down my face). When people in real life could care less about what just happened and had moved on with their lives….God was the one that carried me. He picked me up. I knew God was with me. He never left me. I honestly said that I couldn’t carry the pain any longer and needed help…it was at that moment that I released everything. I gave it 100% to Him. I had too! I couldn’t do it alone any longer.
Give yourself time to grieve…remember the first year is always the most difficult because you’re experincing all the “firsts”. Let yourself grieve…allow yourself the right to do this. It’s okay!!!!
It comforted me to talk about it because then I was keeping her alive…I feared the day that I wouldn’t(it will help if you pick a few key people to share them with…for they can be your go to people when you’re feeling blue).
It’s been almost 5 years and to be honest…I’m good. She made me who I am today. She will always be a part of me
and your boys will always be a part of you 
(((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
I only know to say I am sorry. I wish I could do more.
I only know to say I am sorry. I wish I could do more.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I guess every parent who lost a child (in your case, children) will find it very difficult to recover, if at all. But you can’t let what happened control your life and you are on the right track by doing something about it, like seeing a therapist.
I hope all will be better for you. Soon.
So sorry to hear about your loss. I guess every parent who lost a child (in your case, children) will find it very difficult to recover, if at all. But you can’t let what happened control your life and you are on the right track by doing something about it, like seeing a therapist.
I hope all will be better for you. Soon.