Five weeks ago right now – I was doing just as I am doing now. Catching up on work, reading blogs, watching Racecar play Wii. Five weeks ago right now, I was so excited about being chosen as a finalist for the Pinks and Blues Virtual Baby Shower. I couldn’t wait to see how the results played out. Whether I won or not, I could not believe I was chosen to be a top 10 finalist when there were over 500 entries. I was honored. It was five weeks ago today that the voting opened.
My phone rang. Things happened. I eventually went to see if my friend, a nurse at my OB’s office, could hear the twins’ heartbeats. I never doubted she would be able to, I just wanted to KNOW and FEEL BETTER once I was reassured.
That’s not what happened.
After spending what seemed like hours at the hospital in the ultrasound room and going back up to the doctor’s office to discuss delivering my babies – at 19 weeks – we came home. The doctor told me to eat, so I did. I made a turkey sandwich. My niece came over to stay with the kids overnight. It was 5:00 p.m. We made plans to be at the hospital at seven. I e-mailed Ariel’s teacher and told her Ariel would not be at school the following day. I told her why. I then e-mailed Pinks and Blues and told them what was going on. I obviously could no longer be a finalist for the baby shower, it broke my heart to send that e-mail. Not because I lost my chance to win the shower, but because I lost my babies. The true prize, the true gift.
I have many thoughts regarding Sharon, Jane and Audrey at Pinks and Blues. I feel so much love for them because of the amazing support they have shown me during this horrific ride we have been on. Sharon wrote this post, such beautiful words, remembering James and Jake. I often go back and read that post, my heart aches but swells with love at the same time. (please. click on that link and read that post.)
Because of Pinks and Blues, we took a family picture, the one on my March of Dimes badge up there on the left. One week after taking that, I was home from the hospital, no longer pregnant, surrounded by family, surrounded by flowers, surrounded by grief. But I see that picture and somehow, it makes me so happy and so sad, all at the same time. I see that picture and I wish I could warn me, "WATCH OUT. Your life is going to change. You will never be the same. You will be in pain. You will be devastated. But I think you’ll be okay."
It’s the only family picture we have with me being pregnant with James and Jake. I have no doubt it’s why I was chosen to be a finalist. For that picture.
When Pinks and Blues informed me that I was a finalist, they asked me to write the story of when I found out James and Jake were twins. I’m going to share that now. This is my journal, this blog. I want document all I can, happy moments and sad moments.
This is one of the happiest moments of my entire life. Right here.
____________________________________
twins was a total shock, although I had a few people making the prediction. One
of the people making that prediction was my mother, who had identical twin boys,
who are now 34. Because there is no genetic relationship for identicals, I
never thought for a second that I could be lucky enough to have twins. The
other person predicting twins was my husband.
woke up with cramps and was very concerned. I called my doctor in the late
morning and they returned my call in the early afternoon, telling me that I
would need a STAT ultrasound. Unfortunately, my husband was at work in Chicago
and was unable to be there. My parents, who happened to be off of work that
day, met me at the hospital to watch my kids in the waiting
room.
and I was very nervous. It was an internal ultrasound
and as soon as it began I looked up at the screen, I was devastated because I
saw nothing. I turned away from the screen in disbelief. It was then that my
disbelief turned into pure shock when the tech asked me if I had twins in my
family. I replied, while stuttering and propping myself up on my elbows,
stretching to see the screen, "Well, yes, but they’re identical, so they’re not
hereditary, why are there twins in there?!?!!?" She said she would have a
closer look and about 10 seconds later she said the words that would rock our
worlds for that day and forever "you are having twins." I immediately started
to cry, while covering my face in disbelief. I was so relieved that I was not
having a miscarriage, but so excited and shocked at hearing the huge news. I
also could not believe that my husband was not there by my side sharing this
unforgettable moment with me. All I could think about was that I could not
possibly tell my parents before telling my husband, but how could I possibly
look at my parents and not tell them? Especially after hearing my Mom for the
past three weeks tell me almost daily that I was having twins.
tech if I could call my husband from inside the room once the ultrasound was
over, she said I could.
room, I stood up and started to get dressed, but I couldn’t even do that, I was
too excited. I shakily called my husband who answered his phone at work right
away. I said to him "Everything is fine, we saw a
heartbeat."
one?"
"WHAT!?!?!"
we are going to have twins!"
him crying at his desk, at work. We got off of the phone, I got dressed and
headed into the waiting room, where my parents were sitting with our children,
our children who did not even know about the pregnancy. I said to my Mom
"everything is good, we saw a heartbeat."
with one hand underneath her chin. She pulled her hand away from her chin and
mouthed the words "just one?" while holding up one finger. I said no. She
replied, "two???" while holding up two fingers. I nodded excitedly. She began
to cry.
reaction by everyone we know and love, will always be etched deep inside me. We
feel so lucky to not only be having these twins, but to also be celebrating this
blessing with our family and friends.
_______________________
Thank you, Sharon, Jane and Audrey. Just thank you.
How wonderful that you have that memory in written words. It’s beautiful.
How wonderful that you have that memory in written words. It’s beautiful.
That was beautiful.
and I have always enjoyed your story.
That was beautiful.
and I have always enjoyed your story.
Beth, I remember reading this story for the first time, and just thinking, “Wow. What an incredibly special woman and mother.” And I remember seeing the picture of your beautiful family, and just being so, so happy for you.
Receiving that email from you was so heartbreaking. I called my mom and Audrey, and we were just in tears.
Getting to know you and your family through all of this has been such a blessing, Beth. I so wish the outcome had been different. But I am so glad that those beautiful words of yours will forever serve as another reminder of your beautiful boys James and Jake, and the love that they have always been, and always will be, surrounded by.
So much love to you,
Jane
Beth, I remember reading this story for the first time, and just thinking, “Wow. What an incredibly special woman and mother.” And I remember seeing the picture of your beautiful family, and just being so, so happy for you.
Receiving that email from you was so heartbreaking. I called my mom and Audrey, and we were just in tears.
Getting to know you and your family through all of this has been such a blessing, Beth. I so wish the outcome had been different. But I am so glad that those beautiful words of yours will forever serve as another reminder of your beautiful boys James and Jake, and the love that they have always been, and always will be, surrounded by.
So much love to you,
Jane
That is a beautiful story and I am so glad that you have your picture.
That is a beautiful story and I am so glad that you have your picture.
That post you wrote is forever in my memory. I am so glad you see it as a keepsake and a wonderful moment in your heart.
Steph
That post you wrote is forever in my memory. I am so glad you see it as a keepsake and a wonderful moment in your heart.
Steph
Beautiful. Both posts are just beautiful.
Beautiful. Both posts are just beautiful.
That is so incredibly touching. Your perspective moves me.
That is so incredibly touching. Your perspective moves me.
Beth, this brought me tears once again – tears of joy and sadness at the same time. Memories will last forever, but it’s even better when it’s all written down and captured in photos.
Much love to you and your family,
Liza
Beth, this brought me tears once again – tears of joy and sadness at the same time. Memories will last forever, but it’s even better when it’s all written down and captured in photos.
Much love to you and your family,
Liza
Thank you for sharing – the beautiful and the not so beautiful parts of life. There aren’t very many people who are willing to be that genuine and open with anyone, let alone complete strangers.
You and your family and your experiences in life are much appreciated.
Thank you for sharing – the beautiful and the not so beautiful parts of life. There aren’t very many people who are willing to be that genuine and open with anyone, let alone complete strangers.
You and your family and your experiences in life are much appreciated.
Dear Beth,
As I sit at my computer right now, tears are streaming from my eyes while reading your post.
I will always remember reading your beautiful story of James & Jake and your wonderful family. Audrey, Jane and I read it over and over… and the words did come alive and dance across the paper. I could feel your heartbeat and hear your joy.
I, too, will always remember where I was when I heard from Jane. I was eating dinner with my husband at a local restaurant. I stood up in disbelief, then utter grief… and my husband was begging, “What happened?” I explained through my tears, and then felt so weak.
I see every day why we were so mesmerized by your words. It is your amazing and extraordinary strength… both in joy. And in grief. Your heart beats right through your computer… loving, passionate, compassionate… in pain, despair, grief… but always cherishing life.
LOVE is what you are, as a mama and a friend. You live these words: Unable are the loved to die, for Love is Immortality.
Your little boys have blessed all of us through you, and they will do so forever. Thank you for sharing your story again. It is through your words and your heart that we can see your beautiful boys.
Much love,
Sharon
ps my husband asks me every single day, “Have you heard from Beth today?” It’s his way of asking how you are doing…
Dear Beth,
As I sit at my computer right now, tears are streaming from my eyes while reading your post.
I will always remember reading your beautiful story of James & Jake and your wonderful family. Audrey, Jane and I read it over and over… and the words did come alive and dance across the paper. I could feel your heartbeat and hear your joy.
I, too, will always remember where I was when I heard from Jane. I was eating dinner with my husband at a local restaurant. I stood up in disbelief, then utter grief… and my husband was begging, “What happened?” I explained through my tears, and then felt so weak.
I see every day why we were so mesmerized by your words. It is your amazing and extraordinary strength… both in joy. And in grief. Your heart beats right through your computer… loving, passionate, compassionate… in pain, despair, grief… but always cherishing life.
LOVE is what you are, as a mama and a friend. You live these words: Unable are the loved to die, for Love is Immortality.
Your little boys have blessed all of us through you, and they will do so forever. Thank you for sharing your story again. It is through your words and your heart that we can see your beautiful boys.
Much love,
Sharon
ps my husband asks me every single day, “Have you heard from Beth today?” It’s his way of asking how you are doing…
Beautiful…
Beautiful…
I remember that post.. It was so exciting!
Everytime I read a new post.. (sad or happy) I just always want to give you a hug and tell you I love you!
Isn’t that silly???
I can’t wait to meet those boys in Heaven! I’ll search them out right after I find my dog!
I remember that post.. It was so exciting!
Everytime I read a new post.. (sad or happy) I just always want to give you a hug and tell you I love you!
Isn’t that silly???
I can’t wait to meet those boys in Heaven! I’ll search them out right after I find my dog!
I remember catching up on your blog, reading this post and being so excited for you to be a finalist. Then I read that you were going to the dr, then read the post from your sister telling us all what had happened. The roller coaster was shocking and so heartbreaking.
I love that you are sharing this again, it shows how strong you are and that you are not hiding from your grief. You are an inspiration!
I remember catching up on your blog, reading this post and being so excited for you to be a finalist. Then I read that you were going to the dr, then read the post from your sister telling us all what had happened. The roller coaster was shocking and so heartbreaking.
I love that you are sharing this again, it shows how strong you are and that you are not hiding from your grief. You are an inspiration!
wow. wow, wow, wow. beautiful.
wow. wow, wow, wow. beautiful.
wow, thanks so much for sharing…..prayers for you.
wow, thanks so much for sharing…..prayers for you.
thanks so much for sharing……prayers for you.
thanks so much for sharing……prayers for you.
Once again your inspiring story moves me to tears. You have such an expressive way of telling everything that happens in your life. I love your style or writing and I love even more that you share each tender moment of your life and heart with us.
What a beautiful piece of writing for your future generations to read.
Once again your inspiring story moves me to tears. You have such an expressive way of telling everything that happens in your life. I love your style or writing and I love even more that you share each tender moment of your life and heart with us.
What a beautiful piece of writing for your future generations to read.
What a wonderful story of learning about your expecting twins! Thank you for sharing it with us.
What a wonderful story of learning about your expecting twins! Thank you for sharing it with us.
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I cannot imagine losing two babies at once. However I am sorry to say I know what it is like to lose a baby. I was 16.5 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby girl, Hope in June of 2006.
I will be praying for you and your family. I know this is a difficult time for you. I pray that you will find some comfort knowing you have inspired so many of us in our weight loss journey.
I am so sorry to hear of your losses. I cannot imagine losing two babies at once. However I am sorry to say I know what it is like to lose a baby. I was 16.5 weeks pregnant when I lost my baby girl, Hope in June of 2006.
I will be praying for you and your family. I know this is a difficult time for you. I pray that you will find some comfort knowing you have inspired so many of us in our weight loss journey.
It’s been 17 days since your last post. I check daily for updates to see how you are doing. I’ve been praying for you since I found your blog about a month ago. And I say an extra prayer each day I log on and no word from you as I know you are trying to deal with the tragic loss of your boys. I hope you are trying to care of yourself as you try and create your new “normalacy”.
It’s been 17 days since your last post. I check daily for updates to see how you are doing. I’ve been praying for you since I found your blog about a month ago. And I say an extra prayer each day I log on and no word from you as I know you are trying to deal with the tragic loss of your boys. I hope you are trying to care of yourself as you try and create your new “normalacy”.
What a beautiful beautiful story… wow… and I’m so sorry for your lost last year.