2008 March | I Should Be Folding Laundry

Archive for March 2008 – Page 2

Random things about me

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

By Beth

In an effort to "repay" you for the many, many random thoughts and pieces of information you have all left for me on this post, I thought I would do the same for you.

So, I write this post, a post listing random things about me, as a distraction, a reminder of other things that are going on in my life, other things that have happened in my life. Thank you to all of you who have left comments here, I do hope you continue. If you haven’t left one, please do, I’d love to hear from you.

Here you go:

-Last night I had a dream about two girls that used to live in our neighborhood growing up. They did not have any siblings, I could never understand what that must be like, not having any brothers or sisters. But now I wonder if it was decision their parents made or if they could not have other children. When I was younger I was oblivious to the fact that people could not have children. I think I dreamed of the two girls because one of them sent me a card when she learned of James and Jake. I hadn’t heard from her since high school. If you ever learn that an old friend of yours has lost a loved one, send them a card, no matter how long it’s been, your thoughtfulness will mean the world to the person. I guarantee it.

-When I was a senior in high school, I was the editor of my school newspaper.

-Last May a tornado hit our area. I was home alone with the kids, they were napping and it was all I could to run into their rooms and grab them out their beds and run down to the basement. They were scared, I was scared. I remember shaking for hours. Thankfully, we were safe. Now, anytime there is a storm, I completely prepare for the worst, I have shoes ready, my cell phone ready and water ready.

-I love summer. Hot, beautiful, sunny, green, glorious summer.

-I don’t think I’m supposed to live in the Midwest. I dream of moving to a place that is warm year round.

-I often find myself watching Will & Grace and Friends reruns on my TV in my bedroom before bed. I love it.

-This is my 701st post.

-I love taking pictures. If I could choose a profession right now, I would choose to be a photographer. One of my favorite non-people pictures that I have taken is this one:

and I love the textures in this picture:

-Brian and I used to play hours and hours of Unreal Tournament on our computers before having children. We’d spend hours into the night shooting and sniping and killing each other. It was awesome. We invited many people to play with us, almost all of them became addicted, too. I played last year, after that I had a nightmare about death. I haven’t played since.

-In August of 2001, Brian told me he was ready to have children, we were at a Cubs game. I never knew if I was ready or not, I just left it in his hands knowing that when he was ready, I would be ready. We started trying the following month and I got pregnant in May of 2002.

-I got pregnant again in May of 2003. Ariel and Racecar are 360 days apart, I love that. So much.

-Brian and I honeymooned in Barbados. It took us all day to get there, when we finally arrived I cried because I missed my family. I’ve been romantic ever since.

-My highest weight was 220 or 226, I can’t remember. I now weigh five pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with the twins. My weight today is 169.

-I usually love food, but right now I don’t care about it.

-I believe the reason I started blogging was so I could journal about dealing with the loss of James and Jake, I started blogging in January of 2006 to keep in touch with my friends who lived across the country. One of my favorite comments was by a reader named Josh, who agrees with my belief, this is what he wrote: You know, the inspiration to create this blog to share your
happy, fun times, when sadness wasn’t present, was a miracle from God. God is
truly wonderful. He provides the healing before the sickness even strikes. This
cathartic potential has been present all along, and it’s only now sadly reaching
its true creation’s purpose. It’s so very true.

Some of the comments left here are the most beautiful things I have ever read.

-I have many friends who do not know about my blog.

-These are some of my favorite blog posts that I have written:

Running Scared
Some Pig
Women are from Mars, Men are just stupid
12 Years Ago Today

-The kids and I slept until 9 am this morning, we were in our pajamas until noon, I showered and finally finished getting ready at 2 pm, just to stay at home and do nothing. I love spring break.

-I do not think I am a good writer, I think I am a good blogger.

-I hate oranges. But I enjoy orange juice. When I was pregnant with the twins, I would drinks tons and tons of orange juice, now when I see it or drink it, it reminds me of them. That does not necessarily make me sad, I enjoy the few memories I have with them.

-I love coffee. Since losing the twins I have been drinking a lot of coffee, my day is sometimes better when I have a McDonald’s coffee in my hand.

-I played softball for many years, I was a catcher.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop now, somethings have to remain a mystery.

As always, thank you for listening. If you haven’t already, tell me something about you, okay?

Categories: Being a Mama, Entertainment, Family, JJF, Marriage, That's Life

I need therapy for my therapy.

Tuesday, March 25th, 2008

By Beth

Ever since my appointment yesterday I have felt like all of my emotions
and feelings are sitting out on a platter, I feel exposed and raw and I
can’t believe I paid someone to throw me against the wall over and over
again. I was hopeful, before my appointment, that I would feel
refreshed and convinced that I was really going to be okay, but instead
I spent the day in a fog, feeling sad and darker than I had in a little
while, I did sleep for ninety minutes after my post yesterday, it was a
great way to hide from my feelings.

But I have to believe that the appointment yesterday is the way it’s
supposed to be, as DIFFICULT and PAINFUL as it was, I have to believe
that someday, in the future, I won’t hurt so bad and hopefully therapy will help with that.

Please tell me this is right. Otherwise, I’m not going back. (well, I will go back, but my feet will be dragging.)

Categories: JJF

Because I love to start my week out by crying my head off

Monday, March 24th, 2008

By Beth

That’s what I did today. I cried. For forty-five minutes. Solid.

I’m exhausted and it’s only 11:00 a.m.

This morning I had my first appointment with my new psychologist, it was a 9:00 appointment, I was crying by 9:01 a.m. I’m amazed at how quickly my emotions will surface and jump out of my body and into someone’s ears. I feel like I’ve just been beat up, but in a good way, I guess.

This is the first time I’ve even been to a therapist, not that I’ve ever had anything against seeing a therapist, I just never felt like I needed to see one, until now. And it’s not so much that I’m sure I need to see one, I just wanted to try it, for my family. And for me. I go back next week, but my appointment is not until the evening, so that way I can crawl in bed afterwards and fall asleep.

Speaking of sleep, sleep is not coming very easily to me. And if it does, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night, for sometimes two hours, just thinking. I replay everything that has happened, from the moment of not be able to detect heartbeats via doppler to that very moment lying in bed. It’s like watching a movie, except it’s my movie and I don’t want it to be. I notice every detail, many times I remember something new when exploring the land of my mind, but I always end up in that place of sadness, in disbelief, soaking in fear.

Yesterday would have started my 23rd week of pregnancy, I can’t stand that I’m not pregnant any longer. Even though it’s been four weeks, today, in fact, that I learned of James and Jake’s death, I still can’t fathom the fact that they won’t be joining our family this summer. I can hardly bear it. Really. I can hardly bear it.

I need a nap.

Categories: JJF

keep em’ coming

Saturday, March 22nd, 2008

By Beth

Yesterday’s idea of mine where you all (yes all, don’t be shy, k?) leave me a comment telling me something about you?? Brilliance. Just brilliance. It made SUCH a difference in my day, in my mood, thank you. But please, don’t stop. I sit and read these comments and smile and laugh and I’m in awe of so many of you. So, go here and keep em’ coming. I look forward to hearing from you. I really, really do.

And by the way, the lowest typing score I saw all day was actually from my sister (Sarah) who didn’t even share her score in the comments. It was that low. But I won’t say what it was (22) and when she tried to do it again to better her score, it was even lower, but I can’t, I just can’t share that number with you.

(17)

Happy Easter.

Categories: Uncategorized

Where are you? How fast can you type?

Friday, March 21st, 2008

By Beth

Today marks the start of spring break and although we will not be getting the ridiculous amount of snow they have predicted, there is still white crap on the ground which just makes me a little bit sadder than what I want to be.

But as I sit here wanting to go on and on about just how sad I am today, Racecar just came up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. His fingers are resting comfortably on my neck as he patiently waits for The Wonder Pets to end so he can begin playing Wii. Unfortunately, I just informed him that he could not play Wii right now, that he would have to wait another half an hour and his gentle hand has abruptly left my neck and he has fallen into a heap of tears on the floor.

Silly boy.

I need distraction today, I can feel it. I have a follow up appointment with my OB this afternoon, which will also include a pelvic examination, which makes me want to stick a fork in my eye. Quite honestly, though, I don’t care about the examination, I just care about walking into that building. That cold building that was the location of finding out that our dreams of raising twin boys was just that, a dream. When I even think about going there, I feel my body go numb and my heart races faster. I’m feeling anxious, very, very anxious. It bothers me so much that the place that I used to enjoy visiting so much, now holds so much darkness for me. I never would have thought.

So, maybe you can help me today. I’ve been thinking a lot about all of you and where you are, reading blogs, sipping on coffee, taking breaks from doing laundry, washing dirty faces or if you’ve just finished a report at your job and you looking for a break from work on this Friday before Easter. So, where are you? What state? What country? I’d love it if you told me where you were visiting from.

Or, you can just tell me how fast you can type. Either way, I want to learn something new about you. And yes, I mean YOU. Even those that have never commented before and those that think I don’t know you come to my blog, even people I know in real life, I’m always telling you things about me, but now it’s time for you to tell me something about you. Where you live, how fast you can type, your favorite food or your favorite color. Something, tell me something.

I could use the distraction. Thanks.

78 words

Speed test

Categories: Uncategorized

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