2008 March | I Should Be Folding Laundry

Archive for March 2008 – Page 3

A Daisy

March 20th, 2008

We have a Winter Storm Warning that begins overnight (on March 21!) and ends Saturday morning, we should expect eight inches of snow.

I do hate snow, but I know it won’t last very long since our temperatures have been above freezing. And, I feel optimistic because my friend Christy sent me these wonderful daisies mixed with gerbera daisies, which are my favorite. They are by my bed and they remind me of spring and they remind me of good friends and all of the wonderful flowers, gifts and cards people have sent these past few weeks that make us feel remembered and loved.

It comforts me knowing that snow will not last long, but friendships will.

Thank you, Christy.

The Other Blog

March 19th, 2008

After a long and much needed hiatus, I am back blogging over here today.

Longwinded and Totally Random

March 18th, 2008

Hashimoto’s Disease – It appears as though my Hashimoto’s is rearing it’s ugly head again. I had blood work done just days before losing the twins and the results showed that my levels were a little off. I had a doctor’s appointment two weeks ago about my thyroid but since my body’s hormone levels are totally out of whack, we can’t really take any type of action with medication. I have a blood test scheduled to test my thyroid levels and my iron levels in two weeks. I have been very, very tired, no matter how much sleep I have been getting, the type of tired I feel when my thyroid has dropped, which is very, very tired. (am I getting that point across?)

Good Food – Would you believe people are still providing meals for us? And what have I learned from everyone’s generosity? That I need to improve on my cooking skills. For the past two weeks, Lynette has arranged for the Moms in our Mommy’s Group to bring meals to our home and it has been incredible. Everything has been so delicious. And now, this week, my cousin, who owns a business making dinners, has provided dinners for us this week. The sad part is that all of the dinners end this week, which means I’ll be in charge of making dinners for us next week, it’s back to the land of spaghetti and Schwan’s chicken.

The Laundry – Since my Mom and my sister keep folding our laundry, I realize I’m not very good at folding laundry either. I think I already knew that, though.

My Closet - This past weekend my sister, Sarah, came to visit and she helped me clean out my closet which was filled with maternity clothes. Completely and totally filled with maternity clothes. Every time I walked into my closet I was filled with sadness and dread. Back in January, when we were preparing our house to go on the market, I packed all of my non-maternity clothes into boxes and we put them into storage, thinking that when we moved I would unpack those regular clothes after my pregnancy. I never though for a second that it would not happen that way. This weekend, Brian went back into storage and pulled out my regular clothes and we washed them and put them back into my closet. And when I say "we" I mean "Sarah" because this was one task that I just has to remove myself from completely.

Showings – This past weekend we also had three showings. It was a very busy weekend. Maybe that’s why I’m so tired???

American Idol - Despite everything, we have been watching American Idol, it’s the one and only show we watch every week and I have to say, I love this season. I also have to say that I can’t stand to watch Amanda Overmeyer perform, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. And I really would like to see her leave, I know she’s a Hoosier n’ all, but I just can’t stand the voice, the hair, the leg shaking and the occasional tongue sticking out after a performance. Makes me crazy. Am I alone? So far I have been very pleased with who has been sent home each week, let’s see if it continues…

E-mails – So many of you have sent me a personal e-mail and I wish I could respond to all of them, but I just can’t. Mainly because it’s just too hard, however, I have read every single e-mail that has come through and every single one touches me and means so much. I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to send me an e-mail and sharing your condolences, stories and insight with me.

California – Brian is booking our trip right now as we speak. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to go. I’m sure it’s going to be a very, very good thing.

Finally, thank you so much to everyone who has made a donation to our walk honoring James and Jake and Lydia, everyone’s generosity has been mind blowing, it’s truly something that I lay in bed and think about the fact that there are so many kind, loving, caring individuals out there, who want to help make a difference. So, thank you, thank you so very much. And thank you to the individuals who have joined our team or formed a team in their area honoring the twins, there are no other words, just thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We are in awe.

The Everyday Battle

March 17th, 2008

Ever since my life has returned to "normal" I have found myself suppressing my feelings and not sharing with anyone how I am really feeling. I think I need to be brave, after all, I am a mother and wife, I’m supposed to be brave, it’s what we do.

I put my make-up on each morning, I make my bed, I feed my kids, I smile and try to laugh, but truthfully? I ache. My heart aches, my body aches. I just can’t seem to figure out why this has happened. It’s not that I think this type of thing should not have happened to me, I just have a hard time believing it has happened to me. I am so sad. But yet, I hide that sadness from others because I don’t want to make others sad and I even find myself hiding the sadness from me, somehow, because it never seems like a good time to be sad and it never, ever seems like a good time to cry. There are places to go and people to see and who wants to see someone crying? or someone who has just cried their eyes out pleading for this to all be wrong, pleading that maybe somehow, those babies are still alive in my belly, living off of the orange juice and ice cream I loved to feed them.

On the surface I feel like I should be done crying, it’s been three weeks, certainly I shouldn’t cry too much, certainly it’s time for more laughter and more singing and just more pure happiness, but that’s not how I truly feel inside. I want to cry and scream and sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball on my bed and shut my door. But I don’t.

I just don’t know how to let myself properly grieve. I don’t know how to just be. Even if being is being sad, I’m tired of being sad, but I can’t help it.

Today, I let myself cry. I cried hard and I can’t seem to stop, even now. Even though I had just applied my make-up and dropped Ariel off at school and will have to leave soon to pick her up and I look like crap, I needed this cry. I think I need to understand that maybe it’s not so much bravery hiding my feelings and emotions, maybe I am braver when I let myself really feel the emotions that I am feeling.

Unfortunately, understanding that is one battle, actually following that belief is another.

someone like me

March 15th, 2008

I read this letter on the Advice Smackdown by Amalah and as I read it my body grew numb. I wondered if I had written the letter without realizing it, so much in the letter is what happened to us. Everything this person writes in her letter to Amy is how I feel. All my fears, all of my thoughts, my confusion, my doubts, my heartbreak. But the letter was not written by me, but by another Mommy who has experienced almost the exact same loss as me, my heart aches for her, whoever she is.

I cried when I read the letter, I can hardly bear to read it again. But I encourage you to read it, because this person’s feelings are just like mine.

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