It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down and written a post.  I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post.  Being busy is good.  Real good.

I have many fears.  I didn’t know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body.  I guess I should say, I didn’t know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body.  I can’t speak for everyone, I can only speak for me.  But I wonder if you understand.

I have many fears and many anxieties.  Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I’m not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy.  Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me.  I hate it.  I can’t stand it.  If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief.  But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again.  Forever.

The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends.  Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don’t want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it’s not that easy.

I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist.   Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn’t even set in with me.  But I told her because I didn’t want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy.  I’ve been known to do that once twice before.  After the twins died, I didn’t know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn’t know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief.  I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear. 

Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake’s obituary in the paper and sent us a card – so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared.  Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.

I feared going into my doctor’s office where we learned James and Jake were boys.  My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one.  But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much.  Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced.  I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed."  Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love.  I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly.  A good memory with them, we do have so few.

This past Thursday, I faced these fears.  Head on.  I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend’s house while I went to the other doctor’s office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister. 

Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears.  I liked it.  I hated it.  It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.

I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were.  Giant hurdles.  And I jumped over them and landed on my feet.  This past Thursday.

I am certain that the ultrasound tech was right, we are so blessed.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • Sphinn
  • del.icio.us
  • Facebook
  • Mixx
  • Google Bookmarks