Archive for April, 2008
Ask *comments closed*
Posted by: | Comments**I had to close comments, otherwise I’d be answering questions throughout the weekend, and I can’t seem to think of anything that could be more boring for you. So, I did it for you. Because I love you.**
I’m looking for a little healthy distraction from my grief and you are just the people that can help me, I know this, because you have helped me before.
I have seen many bloggers do what I am about to ask you to do, I’ve always been intrigued by what the results would be if I were to do the same. Today is the day that I do the same.
In the comments section, I need you to ask me a question. It can be about anything and I’ll answer it in a post. You just have to ask. It can be deep, trivial, colorful or boring. It can be something you have always wanted to ask me but never had the guts to, or it can be something that you just thought of now, while reading these words.
So, ask away. And tomorrow – I’ll give you answers.
After you ask me a question, head over to Megan’s (one of my favorite bloggers) and tell her something about you. It’s a great day to share.
P.S. I have a post over here. But don’t go there until you have asked me a question. Man, I can be bossy.
Trying to remain calm *updated*
Posted by: | CommentsTonight I am doing something that I am not sure I am ready for.
I am going to Mommy’s Group. You know, the group of amazing girls that would do anything to make me feel better? The ones who supplied delicious dinners to my family for weeks after losing James & Jake. The ones who sent flowers? The ones who send e-mails? The ones who walk for Team James & Jake?
You know, those girls?
What is it about grief that makes social situations so difficult? I had no idea. I was clueless. Totally clueless.
I am petrified. I don’t know why, I just am. I have about thirty reasons why I THINK the reason is, but all I know is that I am anxious and petrified.
I made the dish I am bringing.
I have showered.
My Soul Sister is driving me there to ensure my comfortableness. (OMG, is that really a word?)
Crooked Eyebrow gave me a pep talk.
and I’m not sure I can do it.
Please send positive thoughts in this direction. I need them. Desperately.
***I survived. That’s all I needed to know.***
Blogher, anyone?
Posted by: | CommentsIs anyone here traveling to San Francisco this July for Blogher 2008?
I would really like to attend this year, but I added up the expenses and let’s see – carry the one, add the two divide by three multiply by 600 and we get ONE THOUSAND SMACKERS. (don’t question my mad math skillz)
I just don’t have a thousand dollars to spend on the conference. Which sucks because I’d like to go. Really, I would. When I was pregnant with the twins I was kinda bummed that I couldn’t go since I was due on July 20th, but now, I guess I can go, but really…I can’t. Cause you know, it costs eleventy billion dollars.
So – are you going? Can I sneak into your suitcase?
A Meme
Posted by: | CommentsJo-Lynne put me in the mood for a meme, here you go:
Where is your cell phone? My NEW Blackberry Curve is in my purse which is on the kitchen counter with everything else in my house.
Your significant other? Is very easy going, loving, polite and handsome. Oh and he empties the dishwasher every single day.
Your hair? Is longer than it’s been since I was a child, although I mostly wear pony tails. I am pretty bored with my hair, but I will not be cutting it anytime soon.
Your mother? Beautiful and thoughtful, she is a mail carrier and I think she knows everything about gardening.
Your father? Quiet, nice and he loves the Cubs and loves to golf.
Your favorite thing? I have a lot of favorite things – my family, really good ice cream, delicious hot coffee with cream, my Blackberry, my bed, laying in the hot summer sun next to a pool.
Your dream last night? I think my medication makes me have the craziest dreams, my dream was very vivid but I will not go into details. It had do to with a big castle and Disneyworld.
Your favorite drink? Ice cold water with a straw and coffee.
Your dream/goal? To send all my children to college, guide them to have careers they are passionate about, I would also like to someday be a professional photographer.
The room you are in? Living room.
Your ex? Was sweaty.
Your fear? Losing a child.
Where do you want to be in 6 years? In a big house with lots of kids, feeling happiness and feeling like a strong, confident woman.
Where were you last night? At Wal-Mart – it was snowing and windy. They were almost out of chocolatey chip teddy grahams. (my current food addiction)
What you are not? Patient & strong.
Muffins? I love warm chocolate chip muffins. I hate blueberry muffins.
One of your wish list items? A new treadmill.
Where you grew up? Northwest Indiana.
The last thing you did? Made a bowl of fruit for my daughter.
What are you wearing? My Levi’s 515s and a short sleeve green shirt. I like green right now.
Your TV? Is annoying – Ariel is watching the Fairly Odd Parents.
Your pets? NONE.
Your computer? A Dell Inspiron 6000 Laptop. We are best friends.
Your life? Is always good, but right now my life is also hard.
Your mood? Calm and a little sad.
Missing someone? Oh gosh yes.
Your car? A 2001 Town & Country – it’s getting a fix up on Thursday with new suspension and tires, I can’t wait.
Something you are not wearing? Underwear. Just kidding, I’m not wearing earrings.
Favorite store? This question is too hard to answer. I have an admiration for all stores.
Your summer? Has lots of smores and outdoor time, I’m a sucker for anything smores.
Like someone? Everyone.
Your favorite color? Right now I like green.
When is the last time you laughed? The last time I laughed really hard was Saturday night with my family playing Wii.
Last time you cried? Yesterday and the day before that. I have never cried so much in my entire life.
Who will repost this? If you are reading this – you have been tagged. Let me know if you played along.
The Perfect Day
Posted by: | CommentsSunday, April 27th, 2008 was The Perfect Day.
I woke up and checked our team fundraising site and we had hit our huge goal of $10,000. Brian and I quickly got ready, we woke the kids, we ate breakfast in the car, we pulled into the March of Babies parking lot. (by the way, today Team James & Jake is at $10,660 – you can still donate. Something tells me we’ll hit $11,000.)
The March of Dimes reserved a parking spot for us because we were the #1 Friends and Family team.
As we drove through the lot, (because we missed our close parking space the first time around) I looked around and saw many faces that I love, getting out of their cars, getting ready for this day. My heart started to melt seeing these people.
I met Stacie, a fellow blogger, Stacie who I had never met in person, Stacie who felt compelled to walk with us and raise money for this cause. I am in awe of Stacie.
Before I knew it, our entire team was there, with our shirts on. These shirts that I love so much I can hardly take it. Every time I saw a shirt, which was often with almost thirty walkers, my heart skipped a beat. Thank you, Amy – my neighbor, my friend, for getting these shirts donated to us. I think you are awesome.
The director of the event approached me and told me that Team James & Jake would be leading the walk. Pride & disbelief is what felt.
Before the walk, at nine in the morning, inside the concrete building there was a joyous celebration taking place. Hundreds of people celebrating love, life, family and babies. Music, food and clowns added to the exciting atmosphere.
The six mile walk was ready to begin, Team James & Jake and all of the other walkers gathered outdoors to begin the long journey ahead, once again, Team James & Jake was announced with our amazing fundraising accomplishment over the loud speaker. Loud cheers came from the crowd, in my head and in my heart I could not fathom that people were cheering after hearing the names of our twin sons. I could not fathom that WE, my family, my friends were at this event because of James and Jake. I felt a strange mixture of elation and sadness.
We started off the walk – Team James and Jake in our shirts – we started walking and a wave of emotion swept over me, sadness really, the gravity of it all dipping deep into my soul. But soon, as has been the case in the past nine weeks, my family and my friends were there to put a band-aid over the hurt.
As I promised, in the silent moments of this six mile walk, I thought about James, Jake, Lydia, Jonathon, Grace and Allison Jane. I thought about all of the amazing Mommies who have e-mailed me privately telling me about their personal losses. I thought about all of you – I walked for you, too.
After an hour and forty-five minutes of walking, we were done. I was so hungry and my foot hurt, but I swear to you, I would have walked for twenty more miles if that’s what we set out to do. As much as I wish I could take James and Jake and hold them and squeeze them and kiss their beautiful lips or smell their sweet baby breath, or comfort them or fold their laundry, I can’t and never will in this lifetime, but for my beautiful sons, who have taught me so much in just nine agonizing weeks, I would walk forever for them. And I will walk for them again.
Yesterday I experienced a day that honored my boys, a day with family, a day with friends, a day with hugs, a day that held moments of multiple friends whispering I love you in my ear, a day filled with pride, a day filled with a reflection, a day where I know there were hundreds of people remembering James & Jake. It was the perfect day.
It is now that the emotion overcomes me, the tears fall quickly from my eyes, the day after the walk when I think about ALL OF THE LOVE that has filled our lives since that tragic day on February 26th, 2008 – the donations, the flowers, the cards, the dinners, the McDonald’s gift cards, the e-mails, the comments, the prayers, the thoughts – I know we are loved and I thank you for it. We feel your love. I thank James and Jake for giving us the gift of love, life and insight.
The tears may be flowing, but so is the love. The pain hurts so bad, but the love feels so good.
Pictures. (more pictures on my flickr page and on Crooked Eyebrow’s flickr page.)
Starting the walk. (photo by Crooked Eyebrow)
Left to right – my sister Sarah, me, my mom, my niece’s boyfriend, my niece, Amber, my sister, Amy. (photo by CE)
