Ever since losing James and Jake, I have been to my OB’s office many times. As I mentioned before, she is trying to lower by blood pressure and work out a few other medication changes. My doctor is a great doctor, an amazing woman, she keeps a close eye on me.
However good my doctor is, I can’t get over how emotionally draining it is to drive to the office, walk up to the window, sign my name and sit down.
Next to other pregnant women. Pregnant women who I can only hope know how lucky they are. Pregnant women I silently pray for, praying they will have healthy and happy pregnancies and I pray they know what a miracle their babies truly are.
Sometimes I smile at them, but mostly I sit and stare at the wall. My heart breaking, my pulse increasing, tears trying to escape my eyes. The anxiety is palpable. Painful.
But every visit since losing the twins, the nurse opens the door just moments after my arrival and says "Beth." She looks at me, deep into my eyes and says "how are you?"
I walk in, I say "fine," (although I’d love to reply with "I’m really shitty, please take this pain away, please give me my boys back. IT’S A DREAM, I KNOW IT’S A DREAM!!!!!!!") She escorts me into a little room, where I sit.
You see, it wasn’t my turn to be called back, my name was called before the rest of the patients because my doctor and her nurse do not want me to experience the agony of sitting next to other pregnant women.
So, my wait, which still exists, takes place in a sterile, cold room. I’m alone. I prefer it that way.
I often think about how I would have reacted, way back when, if a patient were called into the doctor’s office before me, after I had been waiting for too long already. I would have become angry and impatient, I certainly would have scowled.
But I will never scowl again.
I am that woman. The woman that gets called in before you.
I would give anything to be the woman who gets to wait.
hugs, love, and nods. I wanted to ask if it was all right with you if I named two stars after your sons. Please email me and let me know if you are okay with that.
hugs, love, and nods. I wanted to ask if it was all right with you if I named two stars after your sons. Please email me and let me know if you are okay with that.
Through your unimaginable loss, I’m learning to look at everyone and every situation through different eyes. I’m realizing that there is so much more than what we see on the surface. Sometimes the smile or the benefit of the doubt that I give someone might make their day just a little less hard.
I’m so sorry that you have to be that woman. I wish so badly that you were completely innocent to all the feelings you now have to encounter every second of your day.
All my love.
Through your unimaginable loss, I’m learning to look at everyone and every situation through different eyes. I’m realizing that there is so much more than what we see on the surface. Sometimes the smile or the benefit of the doubt that I give someone might make their day just a little less hard.
I’m so sorry that you have to be that woman. I wish so badly that you were completely innocent to all the feelings you now have to encounter every second of your day.
All my love.
You just so opened my eyes. It’s so easy to jump to conclusions and get annoyed at something like that…but you can’t possibly know the circumstance.
I am so sorry for your pain. I sending you hug, just to know I care.
You just so opened my eyes. It’s so easy to jump to conclusions and get annoyed at something like that…but you can’t possibly know the circumstance.
I am so sorry for your pain. I sending you hug, just to know I care.
I never would have thought of a situation like this until you have been posting about it … we, I, do judge so quickly. Shame on me.
And as always, I’m so sorry for the loss and the continuing pain … may one day soon you can be healed from this.
I never would have thought of a situation like this until you have been posting about it … we, I, do judge so quickly. Shame on me.
And as always, I’m so sorry for the loss and the continuing pain … may one day soon you can be healed from this.
I look back over the course of the last several years myself and even though I have 6 beautiful kids…I, too, experienced a loss back in 2003. I belong to that secret club too. It opened my eyes to a lot of things…hence why instead of stopping at 4 kids, I have 6. I wasn’t about to let that experience defeat me. I realized that people can be cruel IRL but God had a plan for me. Now that I’m on the other side of my pain and journey, I can see His plan. Hang in there….there are people praying for you…even people that you don’t even know
I hope you think about that when you’re in the room alone(you’re really not alone). Next time you go see the Dr. PLEASE let us know what time SPECIFICALLY you’ll be there and we’ll surround you and hold you up in prayer.
Nicole
I look back over the course of the last several years myself and even though I have 6 beautiful kids…I, too, experienced a loss back in 2003. I belong to that secret club too. It opened my eyes to a lot of things…hence why instead of stopping at 4 kids, I have 6. I wasn’t about to let that experience defeat me. I realized that people can be cruel IRL but God had a plan for me. Now that I’m on the other side of my pain and journey, I can see His plan. Hang in there….there are people praying for you…even people that you don’t even know
I hope you think about that when you’re in the room alone(you’re really not alone). Next time you go see the Dr. PLEASE let us know what time SPECIFICALLY you’ll be there and we’ll surround you and hold you up in prayer.
Nicole
Oh my goodness. You’ve certainly given us all a new perspective.
Steph
Oh my goodness. You’ve certainly given us all a new perspective.
Steph
Beautifully and heart wrenchingly written, Beth. Thank you for opening my eyes. I just regret that it is at the expense of your pain.
Beautifully and heart wrenchingly written, Beth. Thank you for opening my eyes. I just regret that it is at the expense of your pain.
Beth,
Hello! I left a message a few weeks back, but thought I would leave another one. I may not have ever met you personally, but I feel your pain. I am the one who mentioned that my husband and I lost our baby girl to anencephaly a year ago February. You are exactly correct that the pregnant women in the office should be thrilled that they are wating . Sadly, too many women do not realize how lucky they are. Life is so precious. I continue to think and pray for you and your family.
Beth,
Hello! I left a message a few weeks back, but thought I would leave another one. I may not have ever met you personally, but I feel your pain. I am the one who mentioned that my husband and I lost our baby girl to anencephaly a year ago February. You are exactly correct that the pregnant women in the office should be thrilled that they are wating . Sadly, too many women do not realize how lucky they are. Life is so precious. I continue to think and pray for you and your family.
I sadly admit that I would have probably been one of the scowling women. Thanks for the reminder to take a step back and possibly see a situation in a completely different light. There always two sides to every coin. So sorry for your loss.
I sadly admit that I would have probably been one of the scowling women. Thanks for the reminder to take a step back and possibly see a situation in a completely different light. There always two sides to every coin. So sorry for your loss.
And, I love and adore and admire and ache for that woman. I wish more than anything you did not have to be her, but because you are, I want you to know how much of an impact your spirit, your courage, your insight and perspective are leaving on this world. I thank you for sharing your perspective with all of us because you help to make us better, deeper, more empathic people.
And, I love and adore and admire and ache for that woman. I wish more than anything you did not have to be her, but because you are, I want you to know how much of an impact your spirit, your courage, your insight and perspective are leaving on this world. I thank you for sharing your perspective with all of us because you help to make us better, deeper, more empathic people.
What a profound lesson for all that you just taught us!
What a profound lesson for all that you just taught us!
How brave of you to share your feelings – please know you are impacting and positively changing many people’s lives by sharing that pain. And how wonderful of your doctor and nurse to have such compassion – not many would in this world today – You are definitely in the right place.
How brave of you to share your feelings – please know you are impacting and positively changing many people’s lives by sharing that pain. And how wonderful of your doctor and nurse to have such compassion – not many would in this world today – You are definitely in the right place.
In my OB’s office in Atlanta, the pregnanct women sat in a room that was apart from the rest of the office. I thought it was weird, but you’ve explained it to me now, I think. There are also the women there for infertility treatments who probably would rather not hang out with all the bellies. Compassion – it’s simple, but easy to overlook, and OH SO NEEDED.
In my OB’s office in Atlanta, the pregnanct women sat in a room that was apart from the rest of the office. I thought it was weird, but you’ve explained it to me now, I think. There are also the women there for infertility treatments who probably would rather not hang out with all the bellies. Compassion – it’s simple, but easy to overlook, and OH SO NEEDED.
WOW! In the past I would be wondering why you got to go in first and I had to wait. I will never think that way again. Thank you for opening my eyes to what others may be going through. I am just sorry you have to be the one who went through all this horrible pain. I have learned so much from you. Thank you for sharing every hard moment. It helps in so many ways. (((HUGS)))
WOW! In the past I would be wondering why you got to go in first and I had to wait. I will never think that way again. Thank you for opening my eyes to what others may be going through. I am just sorry you have to be the one who went through all this horrible pain. I have learned so much from you. Thank you for sharing every hard moment. It helps in so many ways. (((HUGS)))
You are an amazing woman. Your honesty and openness is going to help countless others walk through their own grief. Thank you for your willingness to share. I am praying for you.
You are an amazing woman. Your honesty and openness is going to help countless others walk through their own grief. Thank you for your willingness to share. I am praying for you.
I’m currently going through a situation where I feel the same way. The people around me don’t realize how much they should be grateful for what they have. Additionally people around me don’t have a clue as to what I’m dealing with and as you said in previous posts–there’s so much more than what meets the eye. You have shown me so much with your posts. Thank you.
I’m currently going through a situation where I feel the same way. The people around me don’t realize how much they should be grateful for what they have. Additionally people around me don’t have a clue as to what I’m dealing with and as you said in previous posts–there’s so much more than what meets the eye. You have shown me so much with your posts. Thank you.
wow. what an honest post — and I wish we were all there to hold your hand in the waiting room.
wow. what an honest post — and I wish we were all there to hold your hand in the waiting room.
This is beautiful, yet it also made my heart break into a thousand pieces.
This is beautiful, yet it also made my heart break into a thousand pieces.
Thank you for the reminder that I don’t know the story of the person sitting next to me. I am guilty of thoughts like, ‘But I was here first!’ I will try to remember this the next time I’m in my own waiting room situation.
Thank you for the reminder that I don’t know the story of the person sitting next to me. I am guilty of thoughts like, ‘But I was here first!’ I will try to remember this the next time I’m in my own waiting room situation.
Sounds like you have a very compassionate doctor and office staff…that’s comforting to know.
Sounds like you have a very compassionate doctor and office staff…that’s comforting to know.
*hugs* I will never scowl at them again either, I never thought of that scenario!
*hugs* I will never scowl at them again either, I never thought of that scenario!
Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.
Oh sweetie, my heart aches for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.
What a great (yet sad) eye-opening perspective Beth. Thank you for that.
What a great (yet sad) eye-opening perspective Beth. Thank you for that.
Ehugs…many many many ehugs. You have opened my eyes to being more understanding in the waiting room…
Ehugs…many many many ehugs. You have opened my eyes to being more understanding in the waiting room…
I’m amazed at the amount of trouble caused in life because people assume things. They assume they know why someone is getting called before them (and generally they assume it’s because they’re being treated unfairly, aren’t as well-liked, aren’t as rich, etc.). A wise therapist once said, “If you have to assume something, make up a story that makes you happy (or grateful and sympathetic, in this case), instead of one that makes you unhappy.” I always try to remember that.
I’m amazed at the amount of trouble caused in life because people assume things. They assume they know why someone is getting called before them (and generally they assume it’s because they’re being treated unfairly, aren’t as well-liked, aren’t as rich, etc.). A wise therapist once said, “If you have to assume something, make up a story that makes you happy (or grateful and sympathetic, in this case), instead of one that makes you unhappy.” I always try to remember that.