Before I begin, I need to tell you that if you have e-mailed me, I have not responded because right now, I just can’t.  I have read every e-mail and every amazing comment that has been written to me and I want to respond to every single one individually, I just can not.  So, thank you to everyone that cares so much about me, thank you so much for loving me and for loving my babies.  Thank you for your care, your concern, your words, no matter what you said.  Thank you.  As far as the tattoo idea, I happen to love tattoos and will probably get one honoring J & J, and my friend, Amy, she will go with me to honor Lydia Grace.  She just doesn’t know, yet.

The post I wrote last night, well, there could have been so much more added to it.  I could have written all night long about the complexity of not only my feelings, but also my feelings on sharing my feelings on my blog and with people, in general.  It’s much more than feeling like I don’t have someone that I can just pick up the phone and call, it’s much more than that and right now, the right words explaining that escape me. 

I need to continue with what I was trying to convey in my post last night, I just do not where to begin.

Have you ever gotten really drunk and woke up the next day and thought "holy crap, did I really do that?"  And you wish you hadn’t?  Me either.  ahem. 

Well, that’s kinda how I felt about the post I wrote yesterday.  Except, I don’t necessarily REGRET what I wrote, but I do, in a way, regret what I wrote.  The only reason why I really do not regret it is that they were and are very real and true emotions of mine and it was eating me up and I HAD to release them.  The thing is, I don’t necessarily feel better about finally sharing my deep thoughts because I feel I may have hurt others and it’s my nature to run and try to protect my loved ones from anyone feeling hurt or inadequate and the thought that I may have caused someone to feel hurt or inadequate because of me?  Well, I can’t really stand the thought. 

But I keep saying to myself "that post was you.  you are you.  And that’s all there is to it.  You can not protect everyone."  And I hear myself saying those words and one side of me agrees and knows that it was the right thing to do and the other side tells me I’m selfish.

I do know it was the right thing to do.

So, if I hurt you, it was not my intent.  My intent was to share, my intent was to relate with other mothers who may feel the same as I, my intent was to make myself feel better, my intent was to let you know what it’s like on "the other side." 

I KNOW what it’s like to be the person who is involved with someone who is grieving and I SUCKED at it.  I DID.  I can admit, I just didn’t know.  I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do, or how to act. I had no idea.  And that’s okay!

I realize that the people who I have not heard from, I am sure, they either have no idea what to say to me, or they just think I want or need space, and at first, that is what I needed.  I wanted to be left alone because I could not function, I was not ready for any type of social interaction.  But now that I am sorta ready and I have gone to dinners and meetings and group situations, it seems after that, perhaps, people felt that I was okay and there was no need to help "nurse" me back to a better emotional and mental state.

But like I said, and what I didn’t know and what I am still realizing is that grief does not just go away.  I cried harder last night than I did two weeks after losing James and Jake.  I don’t think it’s wrong that I cried and I know that you don’t either, it’s part of grieving, it’s continuous.  It changes constantly.  And so do I.

I’m realizing now that grief will not leave me and with that I feel like a calmer, better, person since losing James and Jake.  I don’t care as much about getting stopped at red lights, I don’t care about traffic jams or rain, I just don’t care.  And not just because I realize that I am not in control of all that I thought that I was, not just because I feel the fragility of life every single day, but because I think I understand more about people and feelings and emotions.  And maybe even life.

Because of James and Jake, I am a better mother, I try to be a better wife, daughter, sister and friend.  I even try to be a better stranger.  All because of these two little boys that left this earth much too early.  Even through sadness I can feel their importance, or perhaps, their purpose.

I can only hope that their "presence" grows stronger within me every single day.  I guess that’s how I will keep them with me, as their Mommy.  Just what I want to be.  I may not be able to make their beds for them or do their laundry or kiss their boo-boos, but I can be a better me.  For them.

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