I’m hesitant to write here tonight.  But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy.  I’m hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care.  I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful.  Honestly, I need you tonight.

I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day.  Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons.   I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have
felt today, it’s been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out
fresh in the morning.  I am exhausted.  It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart
will be lifted, somehow, someway.

I had this realization today, that my sons are dead.  Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.

oh my god.

It’s more than my heart can bear.  It’s bigger than pain.  It’s larger than sadness.  It’s heart break.  It’s my world torn apart.  I don’t know how I got through today.  It was not because of strength.  Today I had none.  While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded.  I NEED STRENGTH.  PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.

And there was none to be had.

This pain is bigger than me.  Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it’s palm and threw me against the floor.

I was unprepared. 

I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT.  That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom.  just sitting.  not growing.  not thriving.  not loving.

They’re not here.

And it’s more than I can bear.

I can’t help but scream and cry inside.  GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Please, no.

Please.

My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?"  I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly."  He turned and said slowly, "okay.  I’ll go brush my teeth then."  I wish I could just say "okay, then.  I surrender." But I can’t.

Tonight, today.  I have no silver linings.

Just tears. so many tears.  and heart break.  Today I can’t pretend.  This Mother’s Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.

If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare.  I need them more than I care to admit.

I just need them.