I’m hesitant to write here tonight. But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy. I’m hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care. I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful. Honestly, I need you tonight.
I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day. Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons. I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have
felt today, it’s been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out
fresh in the morning. I am exhausted. It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart
will be lifted, somehow, someway.
I had this realization today, that my sons are dead. Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.
oh my god.
It’s more than my heart can bear. It’s bigger than pain. It’s larger than sadness. It’s heart break. It’s my world torn apart. I don’t know how I got through today. It was not because of strength. Today I had none. While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded. I NEED STRENGTH. PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.
And there was none to be had.
This pain is bigger than me. Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it’s palm and threw me against the floor.
I was unprepared.
I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT. That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom. just sitting. not growing. not thriving. not loving.
They’re not here.
And it’s more than I can bear.
I can’t help but scream and cry inside. GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO. Please, no.
Please.
My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?" I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly." He turned and said slowly, "okay. I’ll go brush my teeth then." I wish I could just say "okay, then. I surrender." But I can’t.
Tonight, today. I have no silver linings.
Just tears. so many tears. and heart break. Today I can’t pretend. This Mother’s Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.
If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare. I need them more than I care to admit.
I just need them.
I’m praying… for all that you need. My tears fall for you and I’m so sorry that you’re hurting.
I’m praying… for all that you need. My tears fall for you and I’m so sorry that you’re hurting.
I love you and if I was with you now I’d fold your whole family’s laundry and I don’t like folding laundry.
I wish I could hug you, but know James & Jake are forever in my heart. I thought so much about them yesterday. They are here, it’s their spirits that will guide you and so many others forever.
I love you and if I was with you now I’d fold your whole family’s laundry and I don’t like folding laundry.
I wish I could hug you, but know James & Jake are forever in my heart. I thought so much about them yesterday. They are here, it’s their spirits that will guide you and so many others forever.
I’m glad that you write and I’m glad that you are able to share. You have every reason to feel the way that you do, whenever, for however long. Really, what ARE our lives but anniversaries of events, good and bad, remembrances, reminders?
You ARE in my thoughts and prayers and I do hope that you feel some teeny bit of it through the pain.
Love, Susan
I’m glad that you write and I’m glad that you are able to share. You have every reason to feel the way that you do, whenever, for however long. Really, what ARE our lives but anniversaries of events, good and bad, remembrances, reminders?
You ARE in my thoughts and prayers and I do hope that you feel some teeny bit of it through the pain.
Love, Susan
Beth, while painful…it’s natural that this Mother’s day is especially hard for you. I was at a retreat this weekend and something was shared that I find incredible:
Psalm 56:8 You have kept record
of my days of wandering.
You have stored my tears
in your bottle
and counted each of them.
I find it incredible that the Lord could possibly count each tear I’ve shed as I would think they’d fill an ocean and I’d guess you feel the same…but I also find it incredibly comforting that He knows about each tear we cry and every toss and turn we experience during sleepless nights.
Hope this encourages you too;-) Hugs!
Beth, while painful…it’s natural that this Mother’s day is especially hard for you. I was at a retreat this weekend and something was shared that I find incredible:
Psalm 56:8 You have kept record
of my days of wandering.
You have stored my tears
in your bottle
and counted each of them.
I find it incredible that the Lord could possibly count each tear I’ve shed as I would think they’d fill an ocean and I’d guess you feel the same…but I also find it incredibly comforting that He knows about each tear we cry and every toss and turn we experience during sleepless nights.
Hope this encourages you too;-) Hugs!
Prayers going up for you and you’re family!! It takes a mountain of support and i’m thinking of you all!! ((hugs))
Prayers going up for you and you’re family!! It takes a mountain of support and i’m thinking of you all!! ((hugs))
Thinking of you today. I am praying for you
Thinking of you today. I am praying for you
Hugs to you, Beth. Lots and lots of them.
Hugs to you, Beth. Lots and lots of them.
I’ve been reading your blog since you lost the boys and just wanted to let you know that I’m still thinking about you daily.
I’ve been reading your blog since you lost the boys and just wanted to let you know that I’m still thinking about you daily.
i am so sorry that the day was harder than you thought or wanted. As the others have said, you are allowed to have these bad days! My thoughts and prayers are with you, sending major strength to you!
i am so sorry that the day was harder than you thought or wanted. As the others have said, you are allowed to have these bad days! My thoughts and prayers are with you, sending major strength to you!
I’m sorry, Beth.
I’m sorry, Beth.
I’ve never posted before, but today I couldn’t not post. My heart grieves for you and your sons. I wish you peace, healing, and a new morning that gives you some strength.
I’ve never posted before, but today I couldn’t not post. My heart grieves for you and your sons. I wish you peace, healing, and a new morning that gives you some strength.
I also thought of you so many times yesterday. I hope that you were able to get some rest last night. I have no great advice for you. Just let yourself cry and be sad. It hurts to want to hold someone that is no longer here. You have a void in your heart that can never be filled. But I do beleive that the pain with not always be this hard to handle. But, I have never been in your shoes and I cannot pretend to know how you feel. I do know that you are a beautiful person and a wonderful mom that has 4 perfect children. What a wonderful day it will be when you see the boys again. I cry just thinking about how wonderful that moment will be. God is so good!! I pray for peace for you and your family. I love you Beth. Take care.
Erin
I also thought of you so many times yesterday. I hope that you were able to get some rest last night. I have no great advice for you. Just let yourself cry and be sad. It hurts to want to hold someone that is no longer here. You have a void in your heart that can never be filled. But I do beleive that the pain with not always be this hard to handle. But, I have never been in your shoes and I cannot pretend to know how you feel. I do know that you are a beautiful person and a wonderful mom that has 4 perfect children. What a wonderful day it will be when you see the boys again. I cry just thinking about how wonderful that moment will be. God is so good!! I pray for peace for you and your family. I love you Beth. Take care.
Erin
Oh Beth, I wish I could bottle up your pain and take it someplace else. Your babies are alive inside your heart. Not the way you want them, it never its, and it will never be enough. But they will always need your guiding, gentle hands to lead them through the dark, too. Cry, scream, be sad, fall on the floor, and when you’re ready, you will laugh, be happy and pull yourself up by the boot straps. You will show your babies (all 4 of them) how to accept what has been placed before them and to pray for the peace and strength to carry on. Peace and Love =)
Oh Beth, I wish I could bottle up your pain and take it someplace else. Your babies are alive inside your heart. Not the way you want them, it never its, and it will never be enough. But they will always need your guiding, gentle hands to lead them through the dark, too. Cry, scream, be sad, fall on the floor, and when you’re ready, you will laugh, be happy and pull yourself up by the boot straps. You will show your babies (all 4 of them) how to accept what has been placed before them and to pray for the peace and strength to carry on. Peace and Love =)
I’m praying for you. Be still and know that God is there and that you are not alone. He is holding you in His arms and He knows every tear you shed…You will never be alone!
I’m praying for you. Be still and know that God is there and that you are not alone. He is holding you in His arms and He knows every tear you shed…You will never be alone!
Beth,
You are entitled to all of your tears and grief and sadness and anger. I do hope that one day you have much more happiness than sadness and more sunshine than darkness. I am constantly amazed by your strength and sheer will to put your family before yourself and to share all of your ups and downs with us. Please know that you’ve got worlds of support and you will continue to heal. We, the internet, will continue to walk beside you every step of the way. Much love and support to you.
Beth,
You are entitled to all of your tears and grief and sadness and anger. I do hope that one day you have much more happiness than sadness and more sunshine than darkness. I am constantly amazed by your strength and sheer will to put your family before yourself and to share all of your ups and downs with us. Please know that you’ve got worlds of support and you will continue to heal. We, the internet, will continue to walk beside you every step of the way. Much love and support to you.
My heart aches for you. I wish I had the words to say that would comfort you and make it all feel better. The truth is, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what it feels like to be going through what you are going through. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily. I hope you can feel the warmth in all of those happy vibes being sent your way. Hugs to you!
My heart aches for you. I wish I had the words to say that would comfort you and make it all feel better. The truth is, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what it feels like to be going through what you are going through. I can only imagine the pain you must feel. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily. I hope you can feel the warmth in all of those happy vibes being sent your way. Hugs to you!
I am so sorry that you have had to endure such heartache. I am praying that in time you will find peace and comfort. May you find the strength and courage that you need….
I am so sorry that you have had to endure such heartache. I am praying that in time you will find peace and comfort. May you find the strength and courage that you need….
Oh Beth I just pray that God will be with you even more on these most difficult days. My heart just aches for you. I can’t say that I can truly relate because that wouldn’t be true but I do feel your pain through your words and just wish you peace and healing…
Oh Beth I just pray that God will be with you even more on these most difficult days. My heart just aches for you. I can’t say that I can truly relate because that wouldn’t be true but I do feel your pain through your words and just wish you peace and healing…
Beth, you have so many who care for you and are thinking of/praying for you…you and your family have touched so many. People you don’t even know!
I have no words to ease your pain. I wish I could give you a gigantic hug.
But know you are prayed for in Columbus, OH.
Beth, you have so many who care for you and are thinking of/praying for you…you and your family have touched so many. People you don’t even know!
I have no words to ease your pain. I wish I could give you a gigantic hug.
But know you are prayed for in Columbus, OH.
sweetie, we will not stop praying for you! you’ll get through this. you can do this.
sweetie, we will not stop praying for you! you’ll get through this. you can do this.
My god… I wish I ould just close my eyes and transfer good feelings to you. All I can do is send you a great big hug via the internet and let you know that you are not alone. SOOOOOO not alone.
My god… I wish I ould just close my eyes and transfer good feelings to you. All I can do is send you a great big hug via the internet and let you know that you are not alone. SOOOOOO not alone.
Beth, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Losing your boys was a life-changing event — one never is prepared for something like this. Grief takes time. Lots of hugs.
Beth, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Losing your boys was a life-changing event — one never is prepared for something like this. Grief takes time. Lots of hugs.
My heart is so hurting for you right now. I grieved with my sister when she lost her little one and saw the pain and grief that she went through. Just try to remember that you are no alone and that just when you think you are coming to the end of yourself, joy will always come in the morning.
I’m praying for peace.
My heart is so hurting for you right now. I grieved with my sister when she lost her little one and saw the pain and grief that she went through. Just try to remember that you are no alone and that just when you think you are coming to the end of yourself, joy will always come in the morning.
I’m praying for peace.
Stranger, I just prayed for you. Mothers Day is not always about joys, there is much sadness that comes with the day as well.
Stranger, I just prayed for you. Mothers Day is not always about joys, there is much sadness that comes with the day as well.
Beth,
I wish I had the magic words that would make everything ok but I just don’t. What I do have is a heart full of sadness for you and tears in my eyes. I only know you through cyberspace so I am not sure your religious leanings but on my desk I have a scripture flip thing and today’s scripture I think is meant for you and I feel led to share it with you. It is from Psalm 51:12 and it says “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” I pray for you joy to soon fill your days and the strength to sustain you until that time.
Beth,
I wish I had the magic words that would make everything ok but I just don’t. What I do have is a heart full of sadness for you and tears in my eyes. I only know you through cyberspace so I am not sure your religious leanings but on my desk I have a scripture flip thing and today’s scripture I think is meant for you and I feel led to share it with you. It is from Psalm 51:12 and it says “Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.” I pray for you joy to soon fill your days and the strength to sustain you until that time.