I’m hesitant to write here tonight. But writing is so important to me and really does feel like therapy. I’m hesitant to hit publish, but I know you care. I know someone will be able to relate to me, someone will benefit from reading my words, and I think that is beautiful. Honestly, I need you tonight.
I desperately needed all of the encouragement, love and prayers everyone has sent to me on this day. Whether it was by leaving a comment, sending me an e-mail or just thinking about my family and my precious sons. I was not prepared for the amount of grief and just pure sadness I have
felt today, it’s been overwhelming, I am ready to go to bed and start out
fresh in the morning. I am exhausted. It is my hope that tomorrow, the heavy weight in my heart
will be lifted, somehow, someway.
I had this realization today, that my sons are dead. Those words, those four words were words I never really allowed myself to say or even think. My sons are dead.
oh my god.
It’s more than my heart can bear. It’s bigger than pain. It’s larger than sadness. It’s heart break. It’s my world torn apart. I don’t know how I got through today. It was not because of strength. Today I had none. While crying in the shower, or while trying to put my make-up on, riding in the car or sitting in the bathroom stall in a restaurant, I pleaded. I NEED STRENGTH. PLEASE GRANT ME STRENGTH.
And there was none to be had.
This pain is bigger than me. Today the pain, the evil beast, picked me up in it’s palm and threw me against the floor.
I was unprepared.
I was reminded over and over again that I was NOT THIRTY WEEKS PREGNANT. That my boys were mere ashes in my bedroom. just sitting. not growing. not thriving. not loving.
They’re not here.
And it’s more than I can bear.
I can’t help but scream and cry inside. GOD NO. NO NO NO NO NO NO. Please, no.
Please.
My son just came up to me and said "mama, are there babies in your belly?" I replied, trying to sound brave, "no honey, I do not have babies in my belly." He turned and said slowly, "okay. I’ll go brush my teeth then." I wish I could just say "okay, then. I surrender." But I can’t.
Tonight, today. I have no silver linings.
Just tears. so many tears. and heart break. Today I can’t pretend. This Mother’s Day, this typically beautiful day for me, was dark and horrifying.
If you have prayers or positive thoughts to spare. I need them more than I care to admit.
I just need them.
Aw, honey, I can’t even imagine. I thought Mothers’ Days were painful before the Vikings arrived and we were slogging through years of infertility. I just can’t imagine the meaning and the memories Mothers Day hold for you now.
Sending lots of hugs…
Aw, honey, I can’t even imagine. I thought Mothers’ Days were painful before the Vikings arrived and we were slogging through years of infertility. I just can’t imagine the meaning and the memories Mothers Day hold for you now.
Sending lots of hugs…
Beth
I am so sorry you are hurting so much and so deeply within your heart and soul. In this life we will have many troubles… and I pray that the Lord will give you the strength and the courage you need to grieve for your precious little boys.
Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
I pray that He will comfort you and give you His peace. You are always on my mind and in my prayers. Lean on the Lord during this time and trust that He is the one in control no matter how painful things get for you, cry out to Him.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your most personal pain with us all. I pray that sharing your thoughts and feelings will help you heal.
Much love to you….
Beth
I am so sorry you are hurting so much and so deeply within your heart and soul. In this life we will have many troubles… and I pray that the Lord will give you the strength and the courage you need to grieve for your precious little boys.
Jesus says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
I pray that He will comfort you and give you His peace. You are always on my mind and in my prayers. Lean on the Lord during this time and trust that He is the one in control no matter how painful things get for you, cry out to Him.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing your most personal pain with us all. I pray that sharing your thoughts and feelings will help you heal.
Much love to you….
Beth,
I was hurting for you when I read this. I have prayed simply for comfort. I am sorry I got to you so late. I hope, your heart is lifted today.
I am just so sorry.
Beth,
I was hurting for you when I read this. I have prayed simply for comfort. I am sorry I got to you so late. I hope, your heart is lifted today.
I am just so sorry.
Prayers for you. I wish I could say more but I’m speechless. So sorry.
Prayers for you. I wish I could say more but I’m speechless. So sorry.
I thought of you yesterday when I visited my sister in law. She lost her precious baby at 20 weeks. It’s been a few years, but you could still see the pain on her face. I hugged her extra tight just trying to give her some of the strength that she needed. Just thinking of what you both went through and I really can’t even imagine. I’m sure time will help to heal some of your pain, but days like yesterday will always be hard. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
I thought of you yesterday when I visited my sister in law. She lost her precious baby at 20 weeks. It’s been a few years, but you could still see the pain on her face. I hugged her extra tight just trying to give her some of the strength that she needed. Just thinking of what you both went through and I really can’t even imagine. I’m sure time will help to heal some of your pain, but days like yesterday will always be hard. I’m so, so sorry for your loss.
There is more strength in you than you realize. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
There is more strength in you than you realize. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You are in my prayers, Beth. You’ve been so strong for so long, you are totally allowed to be feeling your grief. Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts and hugs.
You are in my prayers, Beth. You’ve been so strong for so long, you are totally allowed to be feeling your grief. Sending you lots and lots of positive thoughts and hugs.
I am praying for you.
I am praying for you.
Oh how I wish I could just hug you and tell you it’s all going to be okay — but I can’t because I am not you, and we all grieve differently.
I am not sure if my words are going to be of comfort or make it worse, but I can share with you my experience.
What I can tell you is that yes, *some day* this is painful in a different way. And while today it’s so raw, and so new I promise in time it will be tolerable.
I know that the word tolerable is kind of a weird word but it’s the one that makes the most sense to me.
The first six month after my twins died nothing was tolerable. Pretty much everything made me shriek. Babies, pregnant women, twins, and anything pink. The cry of a baby would make my non-pregnant uterus contract — it was horrible.
I took up smoking and would sit in their nursery in the rocking chair and smoke one right after the other while I rocked and stared at the wall. The laundry piled up, the housework stopped, I didn’t go out, my step kids didn’t know what was up. My ex-husband bless his heart he just went through the motions because he didn’t know how to support me.
Then one day I stopped smoking, and cleaned up all the baby furniture and gave it away. I began to get out and see and do things. I actually began to garden and cook again. I held someone else’s newborn and didn’t sob and didn’t feel like running away and taking the baby with me.
For a very long time I kept their recieving blankets with me so I could smell them — I had to remember them somehow. For years not a day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about them. I was paranoid if I didn’t think about them daily it meant I didn’t love them.
Today it’s been 22 years and 3 months. I don’t cry daily, but there is still a hole in my heart that will never heal. Their death took a part of me that I will never regain — but what I have learned in the process is that life does go on whether I like it or not.
So what I will say to you out of love is that your life to will go on — but you need to grieve at your own speed and on your own timetable. Don’t let anyone else dictate to you when you should be over it, or to move on because you know what Beth? Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents — and the reality is ours did, and it’s not right, and it’s messed up, and it stinks. And no one knows what we are feeling unless they have walked this lonely path in our shoes. I don’t wish that on anyone.
When it’s bad just breathe — and keep breathing and take comfort in that in heaven my girls welcomed your boys with open arms and they along with my Nanna are together, safe, and making cookies like she always did for us.
I know that may sound corny it’s thought like that, that help me cope.
xoxo
Oh how I wish I could just hug you and tell you it’s all going to be okay — but I can’t because I am not you, and we all grieve differently.
I am not sure if my words are going to be of comfort or make it worse, but I can share with you my experience.
What I can tell you is that yes, *some day* this is painful in a different way. And while today it’s so raw, and so new I promise in time it will be tolerable.
I know that the word tolerable is kind of a weird word but it’s the one that makes the most sense to me.
The first six month after my twins died nothing was tolerable. Pretty much everything made me shriek. Babies, pregnant women, twins, and anything pink. The cry of a baby would make my non-pregnant uterus contract — it was horrible.
I took up smoking and would sit in their nursery in the rocking chair and smoke one right after the other while I rocked and stared at the wall. The laundry piled up, the housework stopped, I didn’t go out, my step kids didn’t know what was up. My ex-husband bless his heart he just went through the motions because he didn’t know how to support me.
Then one day I stopped smoking, and cleaned up all the baby furniture and gave it away. I began to get out and see and do things. I actually began to garden and cook again. I held someone else’s newborn and didn’t sob and didn’t feel like running away and taking the baby with me.
For a very long time I kept their recieving blankets with me so I could smell them — I had to remember them somehow. For years not a day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about them. I was paranoid if I didn’t think about them daily it meant I didn’t love them.
Today it’s been 22 years and 3 months. I don’t cry daily, but there is still a hole in my heart that will never heal. Their death took a part of me that I will never regain — but what I have learned in the process is that life does go on whether I like it or not.
So what I will say to you out of love is that your life to will go on — but you need to grieve at your own speed and on your own timetable. Don’t let anyone else dictate to you when you should be over it, or to move on because you know what Beth? Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents — and the reality is ours did, and it’s not right, and it’s messed up, and it stinks. And no one knows what we are feeling unless they have walked this lonely path in our shoes. I don’t wish that on anyone.
When it’s bad just breathe — and keep breathing and take comfort in that in heaven my girls welcomed your boys with open arms and they along with my Nanna are together, safe, and making cookies like she always did for us.
I know that may sound corny it’s thought like that, that help me cope.
xoxo
I’m proud of you for hitting that publish button, like you said. Your words might help another woman with her own feelings and anger.
You are always in my thoughts and you can always use a friend as a crotch, oh I mean crutch. (*snicker*)
Beth you have brought so much love to the bloggy world. We are all here if you need anything.
I’m proud of you for hitting that publish button, like you said. Your words might help another woman with her own feelings and anger.
You are always in my thoughts and you can always use a friend as a crotch, oh I mean crutch. (*snicker*)
Beth you have brought so much love to the bloggy world. We are all here if you need anything.
I’ll continue to pray for you and your family, Beth. I can’t imagine your pain, but hope it will be replaced with peace soon.
I’ll continue to pray for you and your family, Beth. I can’t imagine your pain, but hope it will be replaced with peace soon.
oh how I wish I could take some of the hurt from you. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are a brave, strong woman, Beth with plenty of people like me who care more than you’ll ever know.
oh how I wish I could take some of the hurt from you. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are a brave, strong woman, Beth with plenty of people like me who care more than you’ll ever know.
Thank you for sharing. I know it cannot be easy. It was a sad day for me as well. Normally a day I adore and yet, this one was different. It’s been one year since my miscarriage and although I simply love being a mommy to my one son, him asking just the other day if God had put a baby in my tummy was painful to hear. At our church they normally have baby dedication on Mother’s Day and it was hard to sit and watch friends with their second or third new ones, knowing we would have been up there with ours.
My heart aches for your loss and I am so sorry. I am praying for you.
Thank you for sharing. I know it cannot be easy. It was a sad day for me as well. Normally a day I adore and yet, this one was different. It’s been one year since my miscarriage and although I simply love being a mommy to my one son, him asking just the other day if God had put a baby in my tummy was painful to hear. At our church they normally have baby dedication on Mother’s Day and it was hard to sit and watch friends with their second or third new ones, knowing we would have been up there with ours.
My heart aches for your loss and I am so sorry. I am praying for you.
I know there is nothing I can say that will help. I hope you have someone there to lean on physically and emotionally. Someone that won’t try to “fix” it, but just be your support and sounding board when you need it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I know there is nothing I can say that will help. I hope you have someone there to lean on physically and emotionally. Someone that won’t try to “fix” it, but just be your support and sounding board when you need it. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I will sit here quietly and hold your hand.
Know that you are loved.
I will sit here quietly and hold your hand.
Know that you are loved.
Wow, look at this support, look at it! See how you move people?
I hope that posting this was cathartic in some way. Every little big helps.
Like Steph said, you don’t have to bear this alone. You’re not meant to. Your village is here.
Wow, look at this support, look at it! See how you move people?
I hope that posting this was cathartic in some way. Every little big helps.
Like Steph said, you don’t have to bear this alone. You’re not meant to. Your village is here.
I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you…sending you good happy vibes.
I am so sorry that you are going through such pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you…sending you good happy vibes.
Beth,
I am sorry I didn’t see this yesterday. You were on my mind all day. I didn’t know how your day was going, but I prayed you found some peace and that you were able to smile a little. I am sorry that it was such a difficult day. Grief is a very difficult emotion. It sneaks up on you so quickly and overcomes every part of your body. You can’t talk your way through it, you just have to ride that difficult way. You have to feel every emotion. I am glad to see that so many people were able to be there for you and lend you their support. As much as you love us, we all love you and your family. You have let us in and allowed us to go on this journey with you. We all wanted a very different ending, but sadly it wasn’t to be. Now we are all here for you. It is an honor to be able to lend you support and hopefully a cyber shoulder to lean on. Thinking of you!
Beth,
I am sorry I didn’t see this yesterday. You were on my mind all day. I didn’t know how your day was going, but I prayed you found some peace and that you were able to smile a little. I am sorry that it was such a difficult day. Grief is a very difficult emotion. It sneaks up on you so quickly and overcomes every part of your body. You can’t talk your way through it, you just have to ride that difficult way. You have to feel every emotion. I am glad to see that so many people were able to be there for you and lend you their support. As much as you love us, we all love you and your family. You have let us in and allowed us to go on this journey with you. We all wanted a very different ending, but sadly it wasn’t to be. Now we are all here for you. It is an honor to be able to lend you support and hopefully a cyber shoulder to lean on. Thinking of you!
I’m a day late, but wanted to add that it is okay to let yourself feel what you are feeling.
I prayed for you yesterday without reading this, as I was laying in bed, I prayed for you. God just brought you to my mind as I counted my blessings and was hurt for others sorrows. I prayed for you. It’s all I can do.
I’m a day late, but wanted to add that it is okay to let yourself feel what you are feeling.
I prayed for you yesterday without reading this, as I was laying in bed, I prayed for you. God just brought you to my mind as I counted my blessings and was hurt for others sorrows. I prayed for you. It’s all I can do.
I am reading this after Mother’s Day but I pray that each day brings peace of mind for you. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going thru but just know that I care and will continue to pray for God to help you thru this time.
I am reading this after Mother’s Day but I pray that each day brings peace of mind for you. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going thru but just know that I care and will continue to pray for God to help you thru this time.
A little late but it’s still worth listening to. I knew Mothers day would be tough for you, but you survived. It’s normal to miss your twins … Remember, you’ll see them again in heaven:
http://www.lizas-eyeview.com/2007/08/homesick-by-mercy-me.html
A little late but it’s still worth listening to. I knew Mothers day would be tough for you, but you survived. It’s normal to miss your twins … Remember, you’ll see them again in heaven:
http://www.lizas-eyeview.com/2007/08/homesick-by-mercy-me.html
I have to tell you a big THANKYOU!!!! I know what you are going through right now is h*** but it is thanks to you and this journey that you are on, that I am being a more grateful, patient and appreciative mother. I think of you often although I have never met you- and you inspire me to mother my children better and to cherish them more and to love my “job” which I so often don’t!! SO to you I say thankyou- you made my Mother’s Day a fabulous day, and you are helping my journey through motherhood to be a more enjoyable one.
From a “friend” across the miles.
Elke in Perth- Australia!!!
I have to tell you a big THANKYOU!!!! I know what you are going through right now is h*** but it is thanks to you and this journey that you are on, that I am being a more grateful, patient and appreciative mother. I think of you often although I have never met you- and you inspire me to mother my children better and to cherish them more and to love my “job” which I so often don’t!! SO to you I say thankyou- you made my Mother’s Day a fabulous day, and you are helping my journey through motherhood to be a more enjoyable one.
From a “friend” across the miles.
Elke in Perth- Australia!!!
Beth, I hope you know how often I think of you, and how often I am simply amazed by you. It is so evident that you have a tribe of loving women behind you, and I am grateful to be a part of it. You are loved!!
xo,
Jane
Beth, I hope you know how often I think of you, and how often I am simply amazed by you. It is so evident that you have a tribe of loving women behind you, and I am grateful to be a part of it. You are loved!!
xo,
Jane
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. It does get easier, I think. Time heals. It’s too easy to keep thinking about how many weeks you are, and the day they would be born is awful, and all that stuff. But eventually it becomes less. But it will hit you like that from time to time.
My son helped sometimes, like when I was still miscarrying and he somehow, at the age of two, knew to come over and pat my tummy and tell me he loved me. Other times, though, not so helpful.
Same with when a pet died. He was 3, and in order to process it, he had to ask about it and talk about it all the time, and it just made me burst into tears. I know he was curious and really needed to talk it out, but it didn’t help that he just kept talking about it!! (Heck, he still talks about it — it was his first death, and it comes up a lot more than you’d think it would, 2 years later!!)
Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. It does get easier, I think. Time heals. It’s too easy to keep thinking about how many weeks you are, and the day they would be born is awful, and all that stuff. But eventually it becomes less. But it will hit you like that from time to time.
My son helped sometimes, like when I was still miscarrying and he somehow, at the age of two, knew to come over and pat my tummy and tell me he loved me. Other times, though, not so helpful.
Same with when a pet died. He was 3, and in order to process it, he had to ask about it and talk about it all the time, and it just made me burst into tears. I know he was curious and really needed to talk it out, but it didn’t help that he just kept talking about it!! (Heck, he still talks about it — it was his first death, and it comes up a lot more than you’d think it would, 2 years later!!)
Oh Beth- I’m behind in reading and wanted to send some love and prayers your way! I can not say that I know how you feel because I do not know- all I can say is that I pray for strength for you. I pray that God will help you through these dark days that seem to overwhelm and take over!
Blessings!!
Oh Beth- I’m behind in reading and wanted to send some love and prayers your way! I can not say that I know how you feel because I do not know- all I can say is that I pray for strength for you. I pray that God will help you through these dark days that seem to overwhelm and take over!
Blessings!!