I am not referencing God or religion or church or holiness when I write the word faith.
When I write faith, I’m referring to trust. Trust in life. Trust in good. Trust that everything will go along as planned because that is what is supposed to happen.
I have always been faithful in my life. I had never been given a reason not to be faithful. I am a good person, I never lie, I always try to do what’s right because it’s right, and not for personal gain.
I was faithful.
and then, oh my god, my babies died. These beautiful, amazing gifts that were given to us were taken away.
Faith was with me throughout my pregnancy with James and Jake. I had gone in for the ultrasound at eight weeks because I was experiencing painful cramping and discharge, after my ultrasound I went home and my doctor’s office called and said "the doctor wants you to come in tomorrow morning because we want to find out why you were having cramps and the discharge." So, the next morning I hopped into the shower and I touched my belly and I cried. I cried so hard because I felt so blessed. I could not believe the gift we had been given.
An hour later I was sitting in the doctor’s office, I could not wait to talk to her about the two babies growing inside of me. Instead she came in and said "according to the ultrasound, your babies share a sac (also known as monochorionic) and there is a 50% chance that they will not survive because their cords will become entangled, killing one and then the other. My hope is that the tech just did not get good enough images and that you do, in fact, have diamnionic twins (two separate sacs). We will do an ultrasound in our office in two weeks."
I left feeling crushed. My emotions went from elation to sadness, faster than I ever dreamed possible. I had planned to buy a twin pregnancy book after my doctor’s appointment but I felt so silly doing that now after having that appointment.
But I did buy that book because I was faithful.
And so, two very long and emotional weeks later, on December 26th, we nervously entered the ultrasound room, the technician put the wand on my ten week belly and said "it’s diamnionic." We cried, we were so happy and relieved. Except the words happy and relieved do not really even touch what we felt that day. We just knew we were so in love with these babies who were to join our family come this summer.
But then on December 31st, I started to bleed and my world came crashing down on me. Blood. The thing I feared the most every time I went to the bathroom. And there it was – that sign that something has gone wrong. I immediately paged my doctor who told me to go to the emergency room. I remember on the way there thinking "there is no way I am going to lose these babies." I was so scared, and it was so beyond me.
But I had faith and thirty minutes later I could see two little heartbeats.
So, on February 25th, 2008, when the nurse could not find their heart beats, I was fearful and faithful, I had faith as I took the elevator down to ultrasound, faith that these babies would soon be kicking me in my ribs. I had faith.
But then I watched the words "no cardiac movement" being typed slowly with one hand onto the screen. A piece of me died at the moment. And sometimes? I think that piece of me was my faith.
Because now I tread through life cautiously, I fear cars running into our’s and injuring my children, I don’t get my hopes up for our new house because I’m certain the deal will fall through, even with the closing being less than a week away. I fear another pregnancy, I fear I’ll never see Brian again when he leaves for a business trip, I fear for Be Design, I have lost faith in myself and people and my surroundings.
I fear the rug being pulled out from beneath me in every situation.
I tread softly, cautiously, painfully through my days. I try to be brave, I try to trust. But sometimes, unfortunately, when I begin to regain that faith again, something else seems to happen and I lose the little bit of trust that I was able to build up in my life once again.
Losing my sons was hard enough, losing my faith makes it even harder to accept and move on.
There will come a day when you get your faith back. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling. I can only tell you to lean on your family and friends to help get you thru this. Time does heal all wounds.
There will come a day when you get your faith back. I can’t begin to imagine what you are feeling. I can only tell you to lean on your family and friends to help get you thru this. Time does heal all wounds.
It has to be hard to get it back after such a loss… but I think you’ll notice in small ways at a time that you will. It may not always be totally clear, but hopefully it will be there…
It has to be hard to get it back after such a loss… but I think you’ll notice in small ways at a time that you will. It may not always be totally clear, but hopefully it will be there…
Beth,
I’m thinking George Michael right now…for some reason, I heard that song at lunch and it always makes me think of you.
I believe, very strongly, that you will find your faith again.
Little by little, you’ll feel it come back to you. I just know it….
Beth,
I’m thinking George Michael right now…for some reason, I heard that song at lunch and it always makes me think of you.
I believe, very strongly, that you will find your faith again.
Little by little, you’ll feel it come back to you. I just know it….
Beth,
I have my own struggles with faith. Some times I wonder if I’m just too logical to have faith. Just as I know I’ll figure it out, so will you. There is no deadline for figuring it out so you have all the time you need to do it.
Always hoping for the best for you,
Amy M.
Beth,
I have my own struggles with faith. Some times I wonder if I’m just too logical to have faith. Just as I know I’ll figure it out, so will you. There is no deadline for figuring it out so you have all the time you need to do it.
Always hoping for the best for you,
Amy M.
My heart aches for you. All I can do is send love and hugs your way.
My heart aches for you. All I can do is send love and hugs your way.
With an open heart, what is lost CAN be found again. You have the biggest heart of anyone. It will just take time.
With an open heart, what is lost CAN be found again. You have the biggest heart of anyone. It will just take time.
Oh Beth, you write your sorrow so eloquently, and I felt you were reading my heart(of four years ago) as you wrote.You spoke of my life at that point and the, for lack of a better term, despair I have lived with since then. My only words to you is that it does get better, for I am living proof that you can feel the way you feel today and yet, slowly, that your faith will come back. I would not say it is fully back for me…. but it has improved as time has gone by. I pray for you as I hoped then someone was praying for me.
Oh Beth, you write your sorrow so eloquently, and I felt you were reading my heart(of four years ago) as you wrote.You spoke of my life at that point and the, for lack of a better term, despair I have lived with since then. My only words to you is that it does get better, for I am living proof that you can feel the way you feel today and yet, slowly, that your faith will come back. I would not say it is fully back for me…. but it has improved as time has gone by. I pray for you as I hoped then someone was praying for me.
I know how important our comments are to you.. and that is why I am back here for the 3rd time today..
Lately I have been reading your posts and feel so touched and so much love, but so helpless.. I want so badly to say the thing that will make everything okay.. and the thing that will make everything better.
But there isnt anything that will do that.
So I feel helpless.. and don’t know what to say, because nothing i will say.. or could say will make anything better..
Just please remember there are so many people praying for your strength and comfort every day. At night when I pray for you.. I never pray that you will be happy.. or healed or better.. I know you can’t have those things right now. I always pray you will be comforted..and have strength and perserverance. That you will be able to face another day and then another one.. and that you may find peace..
I hope one day those things will be possible.. until then.. I wont stop praying!
I know how important our comments are to you.. and that is why I am back here for the 3rd time today..
Lately I have been reading your posts and feel so touched and so much love, but so helpless.. I want so badly to say the thing that will make everything okay.. and the thing that will make everything better.
But there isnt anything that will do that.
So I feel helpless.. and don’t know what to say, because nothing i will say.. or could say will make anything better..
Just please remember there are so many people praying for your strength and comfort every day. At night when I pray for you.. I never pray that you will be happy.. or healed or better.. I know you can’t have those things right now. I always pray you will be comforted..and have strength and perserverance. That you will be able to face another day and then another one.. and that you may find peace..
I hope one day those things will be possible.. until then.. I wont stop praying!
Wow, you know and express yourself so well. Give it time; I hope it comes back, and I harbour no doubts that you will know it when it does.
Wow, you know and express yourself so well. Give it time; I hope it comes back, and I harbour no doubts that you will know it when it does.
What a beautifully worded entry, I wonder how hard it must be to face the day having had your faith in the cup being half full stolen. I hope that slowly your faith finds you again. All in good time. But at least you know that even when YOU have no faith, WE do! My faith says one day you will be okay.
~Aimee
What a beautifully worded entry, I wonder how hard it must be to face the day having had your faith in the cup being half full stolen. I hope that slowly your faith finds you again. All in good time. But at least you know that even when YOU have no faith, WE do! My faith says one day you will be okay.
~Aimee
Dear Beth,
You speak so painfully honestly and eloquently about faith. And because your faith was so very strong… and it seemed to turn on you at your darkest hour… the contradiction is almost impossible to imagine. You know the struggle of my friend who lost her granddaughter… yesterday we spent hours together talking and talking and talking about faith and God and pain and heartache and optimism for the future. She says that she is sick of people who say, “Have faith,” or even worse, “God doesn’t send what He knows you cannot handle.” She wants to scream, “I CANNOT handle it. Why did God do this to me? To my daughter? To my granddaughter?” Her great spirit and faith have been shattered too. Who could explain… who could have anticipated such tragedies as yours and hers? Who could have seen the pain coming into both of your families? I remember telling you many months ago of visiting NYC shortly after my Dad died… a man of such love and a gift to this world with his love and wisdom… and seeing people on the streets of NYC who didn’t give a damn if they lived or died. And God took MY Dad from me. How could this be? But somehow I began to gather my strength back… and through the darkest of the dark hours came the little star that I guess is faith. I spoke to my friend about this yesterday… and she said that she and her daughter and son-in-law chose a grave site directly in the path of the cross of a beautiful little church in her hometown… knowing that her granddaughter would enjoy the church bells and the cross. This, I believe, is faith. Faith that her beautiful little granddaughter is here… somehow, somewhere. Maybe it is rationalization. Maybe it is great hope. Maybe it is faith. But your pain and your sorrow may be too deep to feel it or see it. Maybe that is why you have so many, many people praying for you. For James and Jake. And trying to feel faith and see faith for you. You are so loved by so many. This tells so much about your beautiful spirit, and the spirits of your beautiful little boys… try to hang onto that for now, as horribly difficult as it may be. The people out here will never let you walk completely alone… never.
Much love,
Sharon
Dear Beth,
You speak so painfully honestly and eloquently about faith. And because your faith was so very strong… and it seemed to turn on you at your darkest hour… the contradiction is almost impossible to imagine. You know the struggle of my friend who lost her granddaughter… yesterday we spent hours together talking and talking and talking about faith and God and pain and heartache and optimism for the future. She says that she is sick of people who say, “Have faith,” or even worse, “God doesn’t send what He knows you cannot handle.” She wants to scream, “I CANNOT handle it. Why did God do this to me? To my daughter? To my granddaughter?” Her great spirit and faith have been shattered too. Who could explain… who could have anticipated such tragedies as yours and hers? Who could have seen the pain coming into both of your families? I remember telling you many months ago of visiting NYC shortly after my Dad died… a man of such love and a gift to this world with his love and wisdom… and seeing people on the streets of NYC who didn’t give a damn if they lived or died. And God took MY Dad from me. How could this be? But somehow I began to gather my strength back… and through the darkest of the dark hours came the little star that I guess is faith. I spoke to my friend about this yesterday… and she said that she and her daughter and son-in-law chose a grave site directly in the path of the cross of a beautiful little church in her hometown… knowing that her granddaughter would enjoy the church bells and the cross. This, I believe, is faith. Faith that her beautiful little granddaughter is here… somehow, somewhere. Maybe it is rationalization. Maybe it is great hope. Maybe it is faith. But your pain and your sorrow may be too deep to feel it or see it. Maybe that is why you have so many, many people praying for you. For James and Jake. And trying to feel faith and see faith for you. You are so loved by so many. This tells so much about your beautiful spirit, and the spirits of your beautiful little boys… try to hang onto that for now, as horribly difficult as it may be. The people out here will never let you walk completely alone… never.
Much love,
Sharon
Beth, I don’t have any quick and easy answers. All the comments are already so good and kind and helpful. But if you would like another friend to listen, I’d be happy to. If you’re free Friday morning? Come on by the house. It will be messy and the kids will love chasing yours around.
Beth, I don’t have any quick and easy answers. All the comments are already so good and kind and helpful. But if you would like another friend to listen, I’d be happy to. If you’re free Friday morning? Come on by the house. It will be messy and the kids will love chasing yours around.
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Oh, Beth. It is times like this in life where we truly have to lean and rely on the faith of others for ourselves. I have faith for you. And I am thinking of you. And your family. And I am sending you all my faith and strength. You have an amazing of way of expressing yourself so honestly… thank you for letting us in and knowing what is going on. You are an amazing woman, and you have support and our hearts.
xo,
Audrey
Beth, I can’t imagine the heartache you have experienced these past few months. My faith and hope is in God. This world will fail us. Friends and family, unfortunately, will fail us. But while God doesn’t promise that things will always be good or perfect, he does promise not to leave us or forsake those who love him and put their trust in him.
I don’t know what your beliefs about God are, but I pray that your faith is restored and that you find yourself stronger as a result of your suffering.
Beth, I can’t imagine the heartache you have experienced these past few months. My faith and hope is in God. This world will fail us. Friends and family, unfortunately, will fail us. But while God doesn’t promise that things will always be good or perfect, he does promise not to leave us or forsake those who love him and put their trust in him.
I don’t know what your beliefs about God are, but I pray that your faith is restored and that you find yourself stronger as a result of your suffering.
I’ve been a lurker for quite some time, I think this is my first post. Where you talk about in a previous post passing the expiration date for grief, and here today where you are still just filled with grief and hopelessness (hopelessness is the opposite of faith), needing a place to let it out – have you considered talking to a grief counselor, or a pastor, or a therapist? I do think you are having a harder time than than those around you can understand getting over this tragedy – why not seek out a person to talk to who could help you with this? Someone with whom you could just let it all out without feeling guilty or burdensome? There’s no shame in that at all! Likewise, it’s not your fault if you’re struggling to recover from this! But why not seek help? Someone who might have coping strategies for you? Ways to deal with your feelings? Your friends here are a tremendous support, but maybe you need someone to help you move forward? So you can be the mother, wife and friend you want to be? It’s heartbreaking to see how you’re feeling, I hope and pray for your recovery. I went through the tragic death of my mother and I know exactly the feeling of believing the ground beneath your feet could be ripped away at any moment. Being unable to count on anyone or anything being there from day to day. It’s horrible. It took time, but I got past it, I’m sure you will too, though I KNOW it doesn’t seem it now… (((HUGS)))
I’ve been a lurker for quite some time, I think this is my first post. Where you talk about in a previous post passing the expiration date for grief, and here today where you are still just filled with grief and hopelessness (hopelessness is the opposite of faith), needing a place to let it out – have you considered talking to a grief counselor, or a pastor, or a therapist? I do think you are having a harder time than than those around you can understand getting over this tragedy – why not seek out a person to talk to who could help you with this? Someone with whom you could just let it all out without feeling guilty or burdensome? There’s no shame in that at all! Likewise, it’s not your fault if you’re struggling to recover from this! But why not seek help? Someone who might have coping strategies for you? Ways to deal with your feelings? Your friends here are a tremendous support, but maybe you need someone to help you move forward? So you can be the mother, wife and friend you want to be? It’s heartbreaking to see how you’re feeling, I hope and pray for your recovery. I went through the tragic death of my mother and I know exactly the feeling of believing the ground beneath your feet could be ripped away at any moment. Being unable to count on anyone or anything being there from day to day. It’s horrible. It took time, but I got past it, I’m sure you will too, though I KNOW it doesn’t seem it now… (((HUGS)))
Six years ago I found myself pregnant with our second child. Two days later my husband was deployed to Iraq. After our son was born and my husband was home we learned our son had suffered a stroke and now had Cerebral Palsy. The months that followed were horrible. I dealt with various agencies questioning evey move the last year every moment of a pregnancy I hardly remembered as I was dealing with a husband in a war zone and a 5 year old that missed daddy every day and every night. Was it my fault? Was the stroke because of the stress or something I had done or didn’t do? Why was this happening? We went through a lot. We filed bancruptcy it was just one thing after another.
Here we are 5 years down the road. My son is doing great, my husband is out of the military and we are looking to buy our first home. So I walk every day waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us again. I have to believe that it will all be ok once more. But I am such a different person. I have changed so much.
Do I have my faith back? Maybe. Do I trust in the good of it all? No not yet.
But I cherish every moment unlike a lot of people I know. I love the simple moment of a summer evening with my boys, I cherish so many things … just in case.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your boys with us.
You will help others, just as others have helped you.
Six years ago I found myself pregnant with our second child. Two days later my husband was deployed to Iraq. After our son was born and my husband was home we learned our son had suffered a stroke and now had Cerebral Palsy. The months that followed were horrible. I dealt with various agencies questioning evey move the last year every moment of a pregnancy I hardly remembered as I was dealing with a husband in a war zone and a 5 year old that missed daddy every day and every night. Was it my fault? Was the stroke because of the stress or something I had done or didn’t do? Why was this happening? We went through a lot. We filed bancruptcy it was just one thing after another.
Here we are 5 years down the road. My son is doing great, my husband is out of the military and we are looking to buy our first home. So I walk every day waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us again. I have to believe that it will all be ok once more. But I am such a different person. I have changed so much.
Do I have my faith back? Maybe. Do I trust in the good of it all? No not yet.
But I cherish every moment unlike a lot of people I know. I love the simple moment of a summer evening with my boys, I cherish so many things … just in case.
Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for sharing your boys with us.
You will help others, just as others have helped you.
I’ve always been like this (growing up with an alcholic parent doesn’t do a whole lot for instilling faith/trust) so I can relate. I just can’t imagine losing a child, let alone two. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You always make me think. {{{{Hugs}}}}}
I’ve always been like this (growing up with an alcholic parent doesn’t do a whole lot for instilling faith/trust) so I can relate. I just can’t imagine losing a child, let alone two. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. You always make me think. {{{{Hugs}}}}}
Beth,
My heart breaks for you as I read your words. You are grieving for two–not just one precious baby. That in itself is overwhelming. But faith has to have an object. That object is God and He has not forsaken you. Cry out TO HIM. He can take it. He is grieving with you. He loves you and those babies more than you can comprehend. There is a bigger picture here. They are in the REAL world now and you can have an eternity with them. That is not to say that you do not grieve for your loss now. Go back to what you believe God to be. Ask Him to reveal himself to you through His word.
“You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Ps. 34:18) You are surely close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life. I need You more than I need the next breath.”
Beth,
My heart breaks for you as I read your words. You are grieving for two–not just one precious baby. That in itself is overwhelming. But faith has to have an object. That object is God and He has not forsaken you. Cry out TO HIM. He can take it. He is grieving with you. He loves you and those babies more than you can comprehend. There is a bigger picture here. They are in the REAL world now and you can have an eternity with them. That is not to say that you do not grieve for your loss now. Go back to what you believe God to be. Ask Him to reveal himself to you through His word.
“You, Lord, are close to the brokenhearted and save those who are crushed in spirit. (Ps. 34:18) You are surely close to me, Lord. Help me to sense Your presence in my life. I need You more than I need the next breath.”
Oh my goodness. That is all I can say. That is one strong post.
I am praying for you…have faith.
Oh my goodness. That is all I can say. That is one strong post.
I am praying for you…have faith.
Reading the comments, it reminds me of how many people have faith and hope in you. I too have faith that when the time is right, you will regain your faith and trust. It takes time, and no one can tell you how soon, or how long it will take. One day at a time.
Kellyn
Reading the comments, it reminds me of how many people have faith and hope in you. I too have faith that when the time is right, you will regain your faith and trust. It takes time, and no one can tell you how soon, or how long it will take. One day at a time.
Kellyn
How very heartbreaking but thank you for sharing. I believe in you and your faith, it is part of you…
How very heartbreaking but thank you for sharing. I believe in you and your faith, it is part of you…
I just started reading your blog a couple of weeks ago. I don’t comment because I, like so many others, don’t know what to say. Your honesty in your grief is amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I just started reading your blog a couple of weeks ago. I don’t comment because I, like so many others, don’t know what to say. Your honesty in your grief is amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss.
No words other than to say that I will pray for your faith to be restored.
No words other than to say that I will pray for your faith to be restored.