2008 June | I Should Be Folding Laundry

Archive for June 2008 – Page 2

Expiration Date

Monday, June 23rd, 2008

By Beth

Alright, I admit, I haven’t really thought about my blog this weekend. There was so much going on that I couldn’t even consider blogging because for one, there was no time and number two, I just didn’t have much to say. And number three, I get a little tired of coming here and expressing my sadness to you. I want to express my happiness, my gratitude, my love.

But, I can’t.

I’m not going to lie to you. I don’t feel okay right now and I have to try to accept that. I find myself becoming sadder when I think that I’m sadder than I thought I would be right now. But truthfully? It’s all I can do to hold it together – at any point, really. There are few things working against me right now:

-I want to be a good business owner but feel like I can’t give it my
all, I want to be a good mother but I feel like I can’t give it my all,
I want to be a good wife, a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. but I
feel like I’m letting everyone down.

-I know of not one, not two, not three, BUT FOUR babies that have been born or will be born this week. I am so happy for these families and their babies. The fact is, these babies are their babies, not mine, so it’s not that I wish these wonderful things weren’t happening to others, that’s not the case, it’s just that these births are a reminder of the joy and love that I should be feeling and a reminder of the ache and the pain that I am feeling.

-I would be 36 weeks right now, something tells me I should have those babies in my arms, but I don’t and I never will.

-That’s a hard pill to swallow because I love them so much.

-I shopped for two newborns this past weekend. I thought I was going to die. (but I didn’t, I survived.)

-We have one more week in our house and Brian’s not even here for it. I have no one to share that with, no one to say "hey, it’s our last Monday our house." If I say that to the kids they freak out and ask if we can bring their bedroom walls. (because they like the paint color)

-I feel like my friends don’t know what to do with me. And I hate that.

-I’m feeling unimportant and insignificant right now. I actually feel like an annoyance to people. Is this normal? I mean, I may be past the point where I can openly grieve when people expect me to and I’m far from the point of feeling like I can accept what has happened. I want to call people and say "so, this is really hard for me." But I feel like I’m passed my Grief Expiration Date. I’m actually envious of the time right after losing James and Jake because I could so openly cry and scream and yell and sob. But now, I can’t, so I’m also frustrated.

It seems so wrong to be envious of a time that was so painful for me and I don’t want to feel that pain (ever again) it’s just the ability and the expectation to be sad whenever I needed to be. The word freedom comes to mind. I now feel like a prisoner in my own grief.

and I have tried to say things to people and it’s just weird, so I just keep to myself.

I don’t know. I want to have the glass half full attitude, but I don’t have it. I wonder if I’ll ever get it back.

I’m obviously having quite the pity party, can’t you tell? Now do you see why I haven’t blogged?

Categories: Uncategorized

Variety

Friday, June 20th, 2008

By Beth

First of all, thank you to everyone who left me your kind, warm, amazing, beautiful, heartfelt comments. It made such a difference in my day, I hope you believe me, I needed something and you gave it to me and I am so, so, so grateful. Thank you.

I have a review up over here and I’m doing a (GREEN!) giveaway with TEN WINNERS – go, go, go.

I have a post up over here.

And, we are planning NWI Blogger Meetup on July 12th. I know I’m going to do my best to be there, if you live in Northwest Indiana and you blog, go here for more details. We’d love to have you.

So many links, so little time.

Have a great weekend. You deserve it.

Categories: Bloggityville, Giveaways, JJF, NWIP

Pretend

Thursday, June 19th, 2008

By Beth

Sometimes, I get tired of pretending. At the store, with family, with my friends, with my kids, with my husband.

With me.

I look into the mirror each morning and I can almost convince myself that my heart isn’t broken, I look at my eyes and they look the same at the surface and that will carry me through the rest of the day, pretending there is no pain.

But sometimes, I can’t pretend anymore, sometimes, like last night and RIGHT NOW, the wound is so deep and raw, that I wonder how I was ever able to get out of bed just today. Now, when I look into the mirror, I see empty, wet, puffy eyes.

It still hurts so bad. I still can’t believe this is where we are in our lives. I can’t believe they are gone. I can’t believe that today, almost four months later, I still feel like I won’t make through this day. I can’t believe I’m not stronger than this.

Sometimes, I need your words so badly. Right now is one of those times.

Categories: JJF

Be careful what you wish for.

Wednesday, June 18th, 2008

By Beth

I did not want June or July to come.

Even though they are my favorite months of the year, but this year? June and July equaled heartache and pain.

I wanted to run away, I wanted to be busy.

Well, I can’t run away, but I am busy. Almost too busy. My days and nights feel like hours to me, I work until sometimes one in the morning, the kids sleep until nine and the crazy day begins again. And I’m content with this, because I’m doing work I love and in between work and cleaning and phone calls, I’m loving on my kids.

But there is no beach, there are no vacations, no family picnics, no lazy days spent outside eating watermelon and playing with water, we do not spend our evenings talking to neighbors, but rather sitting inside -working, or sometimes watching our kids ride their bikes. And I’m not sure I’m okay with that. I mean, I AM okay with that now, but five years from now will I regret the summer we spent being too busy? or will I look back and think "it’s okay, Beth. It’s what you needed to do for the summer, it’s really okay."

I just hope, that years from now, I’ll look back on myself and on the summer of 2008 and I hope I’m easy on myself because it just feels right, right now.

I have, however, been able to spend time with Ariel and Racecar’s cousins, just today they spent the day with us, they ate outside and ate Peanut Butter and Jelly and they want to come back tomorrow. And all of the laughter I have been listening to ALL DAY LONG, makes me fall in love with this summer – even while sitting at home.

Categories: JJF, That's Life

Manic Monday

Monday, June 16th, 2008

By Beth

I’ll start out with some pictures for you, how’s that sound? My entire family is in town and I just love that. My brothers decided this was a good time to take down my parents roof and re-do it because they’re are awesome like that. The whole family is pitching in. Even me, I even wore work clothes and cut down branches off a tree, and moved shingles and swept insulation and put together things with nuts and bolts and washers and stuff. (Stuff being an official building term, of course.) In the meantime, Ariel and Racecar are very happy playing with their cousins. And Brian? Well, he’s in Massachusetts.

So, here are some pictures from the wedding and the roof project:

First, here’s a picture from the wedding of me with the best man.

And here’s one with the happy couple. And they’re so in love it makes my stomach turn a little. In a nice kinda way.

And my brother-in-law found this toad yesterday, he was working it for the camera. (the toad, not my brother-in-law)

Here are the worker bees who worked non stop all day and all night and at least one of my brothers is staying all week long and this is what he’ll be doing, all week long.

They finished up last night at about 11:20.

So, you may or may not notice, but this week my posting will be very, very light, between my family being in town, packing up my house for our move which is two weeks away, being a single mom for two weeks, work and laundry and work and laundry and mowing the lawn and eating bug bites and ice cream, I won’t be around as much as usual. But soon, (as in, say, August) I’ll be around a lot more!

Now to the winner!

Oh man, this was a fun contest wasn’t it? I loved reading everyone’s favorite songs. I noticed a lot of Johnny Cash, (who I love) and a lot of country music, too. But what I loved was seeing how almost all of the songs brought back some sort of memory for some of you and then you shared that with me, so this contest was very, very fun.

But the winner? She’s one lucky girl, her name is Amy (with a last name that starts with s), she does not have a blog and she has a hotmail e-mail address (I e-mailed you Amy!). Congratulations, Amy! Just give me your address and I’ll get this bad boy right out to you.

Check back later this week for a very green giveaway.

Categories: Family, Giveaways

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