Still no internet. Brian has spent over two and half hours on the phone with our internet provider and well, in the end? Someone disconnected their call. First the install was to be on the 10th, then it was moved to two weeks after the tenth and then it was moved to the 14th and then they said they lost our order and now it’s supposed to be sometime in 2008. And as much as I’d love to leave this highly disorganized and unprofessional internet provider for their lack of service and urgency and return to my old true love, we can’t, we are under contract. (long story.)
So, fortunately, I have friendly friends who will help a sister out, my friend Sarah from Milk & Honey is guest posting today. Sarah is a friend of mine in real life, if I had to describe her in one word, I would use the word hilarious. She’s a comic with great timing, she says things like "I like my fair share of gangster rap" and I laugh and laugh and laugh and then I see that she’s serious, which makes her even funnier. And? She so cute and looks like Sarah McLachlan. Here’s her guest post for today. Show her the love and make her feel welcome, k?
Last
week, my husband and I closed on the sale our house. After three months on the
market, we accepted a good offer so that we could move on to the next chapter
of our lives. Minor detail: we did this without knowing what that next chapter
is. We’re staying with his parents until we figure that out. We’re in good
company, because also staying with the in-laws is my husband’s brother and his lovely
wife and family, while they wait to see where their next chapter leads.
It’s
been fun living in close quarters with these eight other people of varying
ages; four of them are under six, and two of them are in their sixties. I’ve
never had this much constant interaction with small children before, and it’s
made me realize a couple things: peanut butter is a food group in and of
itself, and also, kids listen, really listen to what you say. They take
it in, dissect it to make sense of it, and share their interpretation with
others. They live by your words, no matter how ridiculous they may be.
Naturally
this scares the shit out of me, since I’m ten-ish weeks away from having my own
small, impressionable person. I’ve been thinking about the words my mom used
when I was a kid, and their effectiveness. Hoo boy, were they effective. And,
little did I know then, hilarious. I’m looking forward to busting out some of
these gems as soon as I get an opportunity. Until then, I share them with you,
eager reader, to use as you see fit.
"You’d
better leave him alone, one day he’s going to be bigger than you!" This should be said
when a younger, yet taller, sibling habitually makes an older child’s life
hell. Usually a dual-purpose statement to both warn the young’n and give hope
to the older child, who, for the record, probably won’t ever be bigger, but
will become freakishly strong as he hits young adulthood. Seriously. Did I ever
show you my broken finger.
"Don’t
make me shout like a fishwife!" A front-porch favorite for calling the
kids in for dinner. "Josh! Sarah! Dinner! Come on home, don’t make me
shout like a fishwife!" What makes this most effective is the unexpected
element of embarrassment. Oh, they’ll come running alright, just so the
shouting will stop. Straight from the source of all things mom, this one is
most often attributed to grandmas.
"Your
room looks like a whore’s nightmare." Another grandma-ism. Something about
the word whore coming from a sweet grandmother’s snarled lips makes the chore
of bedroom cleaning more satisfying. And dirty. And maybe a little horrifying.
"Pretty
is, as pretty does." Just as effectual as saying pretty girls don’t burp or
fart. Or pustie. Because that’s the only time moms use this one, really. It’s a
thinly-veiled threat disguised as a lesson.
"What
goes over the dog’s back comes under his belly." This is most often
used when a daughter’s (or son’s) best friend steals her boyfriend (or
girlfriend). Moms love this one because it’s a non-violent expression of
impending, unavoidable revenge… "Oh sure, she got away with it this time,
but that hussy’ll get hers, just you wait."
"Don’t
ever put anything in writing that you don’t want to come back to you." One of the best
lessons a mom can share. Especially when a daughter (or son) might be
considering writing a nasty letter to above mentioned former best friend. Face
to face confrontation, or confession, is always ideal, except in cases where
legal documentation may be necessary. Ahem.
Knowing
what to say, and when to say it, carries so much more pressure than I ever
considered. I’m not just talking about the easy stuff, like knowing that
‘yibidies’ means boobs, ‘putsie’ means fart, ‘tinkle’ means pee and a
‘ding-dong’ is a… uh… ding-dong. How do you console with the right words?
Encourage? Threaten and scare the snot out of? (Only when necessary, of
course.) Maybe embarrass on occasion? What’s your favorite nugget of mom-ism
(or dad-ism) gold?
My mom used to always say “if wishes were horses we could all have a ride.” And I never knew what that meant, and now I say that to my kids and I still have no idea what it means and now I wonder if my Mom even knows what it means. I should ask her.
My mom used to always say “if wishes were horses we could all have a ride.” And I never knew what that meant, and now I say that to my kids and I still have no idea what it means and now I wonder if my Mom even knows what it means. I should ask her.
I don’t have any from my childhood, but my husband has plenty of memories to share…
“I’m going to discipline you in the ways of my ancestors.”
“Some days you are the pigeon and some days you’re the statue”, wait I just read that at Jimmy Johns….
Sarah, I love you. You and your hilarious “sarah-isms”. We all love them.
I don’t have any from my childhood, but my husband has plenty of memories to share…
“I’m going to discipline you in the ways of my ancestors.”
“Some days you are the pigeon and some days you’re the statue”, wait I just read that at Jimmy Johns….
Sarah, I love you. You and your hilarious “sarah-isms”. We all love them.
One of my favorites is, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
One of my favorites is, “If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”
Whenever we were crying my mom would tell us “I’ll give you something to cry about” — I was always confused as a kid because I was already crying so why would I need something else to cry about. She also said the following:
“Were you born in a barn?” — usually when we left the door open.
“Your daddy was not a glass maker” — usually when we were standing in front of the TV
“You’re cruisin for a bruisin” — nearly on an hourly basis!
and our local fav…”Hay is for horses” — I really don’t get that one!
Whenever we were crying my mom would tell us “I’ll give you something to cry about” — I was always confused as a kid because I was already crying so why would I need something else to cry about. She also said the following:
“Were you born in a barn?” — usually when we left the door open.
“Your daddy was not a glass maker” — usually when we were standing in front of the TV
“You’re cruisin for a bruisin” — nearly on an hourly basis!
and our local fav…”Hay is for horses” — I really don’t get that one!
You girls are too funny! I can relate to pretty much every comment thus far and my dad always said, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out!” A good one from my mom (being the devout catholic that she is) was, “It’s your sin, not mine.” Gotta love it! I wonder what I am impressioning (is that a word? – Probably not since spell check has it underlined) on my children already…
You girls are too funny! I can relate to pretty much every comment thus far and my dad always said, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out!” A good one from my mom (being the devout catholic that she is) was, “It’s your sin, not mine.” Gotta love it! I wonder what I am impressioning (is that a word? – Probably not since spell check has it underlined) on my children already…
My dad’s ol’ faithful when ever we would whine ” I want _________” was “want in one hand, s#*@ in the other and see which on fills up first”. Eventually got shortened to just “want in one hand…”. Gotta love it.
My dad’s ol’ faithful when ever we would whine ” I want _________” was “want in one hand, s#*@ in the other and see which on fills up first”. Eventually got shortened to just “want in one hand…”. Gotta love it.
My Dad would always say to us threateningly, “Don’t you dare do a half-assed job!” when giving us chores…only for some reason, I had it in my mind that he wouldn’t actually SWEAR at us, since everyone knows you don’t swear around kids, so I always thought he was saying “half-asked job”…as in, we only did half of what he asked, and he just didn’t bother to enunciate the k. (seriously, say them both, don’t they sound the same if you say it fast?)
It was only when I was a teenager and said jokingly to my sister, in front of my mother, “don’t do a half-asked/assed job” and my sister went “Oh my GOD, you just swore in front of mom !” and my mom was ready to backhand me and I was like “What? What? Why is half-asked a swear word?” of course PRONOUNCING it “half-assed” so then it sounded like I just continued to swear.
I’m realizing this story is not so much a “share your favorite dad-ism” story as much as a “can you believe how stupid I was” story. But it’s still funny to me.
My Dad would always say to us threateningly, “Don’t you dare do a half-assed job!” when giving us chores…only for some reason, I had it in my mind that he wouldn’t actually SWEAR at us, since everyone knows you don’t swear around kids, so I always thought he was saying “half-asked job”…as in, we only did half of what he asked, and he just didn’t bother to enunciate the k. (seriously, say them both, don’t they sound the same if you say it fast?)
It was only when I was a teenager and said jokingly to my sister, in front of my mother, “don’t do a half-asked/assed job” and my sister went “Oh my GOD, you just swore in front of mom !” and my mom was ready to backhand me and I was like “What? What? Why is half-asked a swear word?” of course PRONOUNCING it “half-assed” so then it sounded like I just continued to swear.
I’m realizing this story is not so much a “share your favorite dad-ism” story as much as a “can you believe how stupid I was” story. But it’s still funny to me.
I remember so many of these! When my children say, “I want _________,” my response is typically, Well, I want to be a size 6. Who do you think will get their wish first?” But I’m lovin’ the $%#@ in one hand comment…
I remember so many of these! When my children say, “I want _________,” my response is typically, Well, I want to be a size 6. Who do you think will get their wish first?” But I’m lovin’ the $%#@ in one hand comment…
My dad says these all the time, even now.
-Pull my finger : ).
-(kid): Hey. (dad) Hey’s for horses.
-as a PP mentioned…..(kid) “I want……(whining incesantly)” (dad) If you put your wants in one hand, and shit in the other, which will fill up first?
Thanks Dad.
My mom was more clever in her parenting skills. Whenever my sister and I were driving her crazy with our petty arguing and she had had enough, she would make us hold hands for a certain length of time. Or worse, we would have to hug for a period of time. Or she would make us wrap our arms around each other for what seemed like a long time, meaning that if one of us had to go to the bathroom, then the other followed. We were basically punished by being joined at the hip. And most times, my sister and I would stop arguing and end up making a game out of the whole thing or giggling or devising new ways to annoy mom.
My dad says these all the time, even now.
-Pull my finger : ).
-(kid): Hey. (dad) Hey’s for horses.
-as a PP mentioned…..(kid) “I want……(whining incesantly)” (dad) If you put your wants in one hand, and shit in the other, which will fill up first?
Thanks Dad.
My mom was more clever in her parenting skills. Whenever my sister and I were driving her crazy with our petty arguing and she had had enough, she would make us hold hands for a certain length of time. Or worse, we would have to hug for a period of time. Or she would make us wrap our arms around each other for what seemed like a long time, meaning that if one of us had to go to the bathroom, then the other followed. We were basically punished by being joined at the hip. And most times, my sister and I would stop arguing and end up making a game out of the whole thing or giggling or devising new ways to annoy mom.
My dad used to always tell us that we made a better door than a window whenever we stood in front of the TV, the light, etc.
My dad used to always tell us that we made a better door than a window whenever we stood in front of the TV, the light, etc.
too many truths that right there!
too many truths that right there!
I am laughing at all of these!
When my brothers or I was doing something that bothered or annoyed my dad, he would say, “You know what burns my ass?”
Then he would hold his hand up around his hips and add, “A flame about this high… and (insert the annoying thing one, or all of us, was doing.”
It got to the point where he would just have to say, “You know what burns my ass”?… and we would stop fighting or hitting, etc.
because we knew that my dad didn’t want his ass burned!!
I used this one on my kids, too. But they found it hilarious rather than threatening in any way!!
I am laughing at all of these!
When my brothers or I was doing something that bothered or annoyed my dad, he would say, “You know what burns my ass?”
Then he would hold his hand up around his hips and add, “A flame about this high… and (insert the annoying thing one, or all of us, was doing.”
It got to the point where he would just have to say, “You know what burns my ass”?… and we would stop fighting or hitting, etc.
because we knew that my dad didn’t want his ass burned!!
I used this one on my kids, too. But they found it hilarious rather than threatening in any way!!
Um, I’m totally going to start using “Don’t make me shout like a fish!”. That’s my fave. My kids are so lucky. Thanks for the gem!
Um, I’m totally going to start using “Don’t make me shout like a fish!”. That’s my fave. My kids are so lucky. Thanks for the gem!
This is fun and funny to read!
Made me think of one of my dad’s fav sayings. When we’d say, ” I want _______ “, my dad’s constant answer was “It’s good to want things”. I only found it a bit confusing or annoying when I was little. Only now, with my 5 and 3 year old girls, I use it all the time.
Thanks Dad! LOL….
This is fun and funny to read!
Made me think of one of my dad’s fav sayings. When we’d say, ” I want _______ “, my dad’s constant answer was “It’s good to want things”. I only found it a bit confusing or annoying when I was little. Only now, with my 5 and 3 year old girls, I use it all the time.
Thanks Dad! LOL….
Too funny! All of these bring back such memories! My favorite was a grandpa-ism…. if we (cousins, siblings, whoever) were doing something that he’d warned about or just weren’t suppose to, he’d say “Don’t make me come in there and get red-headed with you.” We use to just laugh and make fun of him because I don’t think any of us understood it, but now I know exactly what “red-headed” means!! I’ve been known to get that way with my kids from time to time….
Too funny! All of these bring back such memories! My favorite was a grandpa-ism…. if we (cousins, siblings, whoever) were doing something that he’d warned about or just weren’t suppose to, he’d say “Don’t make me come in there and get red-headed with you.” We use to just laugh and make fun of him because I don’t think any of us understood it, but now I know exactly what “red-headed” means!! I’ve been known to get that way with my kids from time to time….
my mom would always say
Never point fingers, because there are three pointing back at you.
How nice you can stay with the parents. They are very nice to let you stay! Sounds interesting a comedy show in itself.
Sorry about your internet Beth. You are the second person to tell me a story today about dealing with the phone company.
Just remember, if you are under contract. So are they!
my mom would always say
Never point fingers, because there are three pointing back at you.
How nice you can stay with the parents. They are very nice to let you stay! Sounds interesting a comedy show in itself.
Sorry about your internet Beth. You are the second person to tell me a story today about dealing with the phone company.
Just remember, if you are under contract. So are they!
Oh, I’ve only met you once, and I am so glad to see that I am not alone when it comes to my thoughts and outlook on life!
You’re a hoot and I love the whore one the best!
I must admit, I’ve said a few things in front of my kids that could come in close runnin’ to that line!
Oh, I’ve only met you once, and I am so glad to see that I am not alone when it comes to my thoughts and outlook on life!
You’re a hoot and I love the whore one the best!
I must admit, I’ve said a few things in front of my kids that could come in close runnin’ to that line!
Hmm…My father used to say a few
-Do you want something to cry about?
-I’am going to knock your teeth down your throat!(usually after back talk but he never actually hit us like that)-it does sound awful though!
-People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
-Your a may be a pain but your not a window pane(when standing in front of the tv-I admit to using this with my kids)
Hmm…My father used to say a few
-Do you want something to cry about?
-I’am going to knock your teeth down your throat!(usually after back talk but he never actually hit us like that)-it does sound awful though!
-People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
-Your a may be a pain but your not a window pane(when standing in front of the tv-I admit to using this with my kids)
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Gangsta, Beth. Not gangster. Gangsta.
How ya like me now?
Oh Sarah, you are so hilarious, this was great! My grandma always used to tell me “my face would get stuck like that” when I made ANY kind of face she didn’t like!
Oh Sarah, you are so hilarious, this was great! My grandma always used to tell me “my face would get stuck like that” when I made ANY kind of face she didn’t like!
If asked why we did something and we said, “Well, I thought….”, my dad would say, “Thought thought he farted, but he sh*t himself”. Never really got that, but it made us think before answering his why questions. When we’d ask my mom what we could do when we’d complain we were bored she’d say, “Go sh*t in your shoe”. Man, I am making it sound like I grew up in a real sh*tty household. LOL
If asked why we did something and we said, “Well, I thought….”, my dad would say, “Thought thought he farted, but he sh*t himself”. Never really got that, but it made us think before answering his why questions. When we’d ask my mom what we could do when we’d complain we were bored she’d say, “Go sh*t in your shoe”. Man, I am making it sound like I grew up in a real sh*tty household. LOL
My Mom is infamous in our family for refusing certain activities that her children wanted to do because “you’ve already had enough fun this weekend.”
Now that I’m a Mom myself, I understand what she meant. “If you go to one more sleepover this weekend, you will be a whiny mess the next three days, during which I will have to deal with you, and I don’t want to do that.”
But at the time? How in the world does one reach their limit of fun?!?
My Mom is infamous in our family for refusing certain activities that her children wanted to do because “you’ve already had enough fun this weekend.”
Now that I’m a Mom myself, I understand what she meant. “If you go to one more sleepover this weekend, you will be a whiny mess the next three days, during which I will have to deal with you, and I don’t want to do that.”
But at the time? How in the world does one reach their limit of fun?!?
my dad’s was soooo funny – “he who has the gold, makes the rules” – usually used when i would claim that life was unfair and i couldn’t believe he wouldn’t let me do something. without saying it outright, he was basically saying “yes, i AM the boss of you”
my dad’s was soooo funny – “he who has the gold, makes the rules” – usually used when i would claim that life was unfair and i couldn’t believe he wouldn’t let me do something. without saying it outright, he was basically saying “yes, i AM the boss of you”