Stephanie from Adventures in Babywearing is writing for me on my blog this weekend. Her words and her love are so very powerful to me. I am so fortunate to have her in my life because her love and her heart are so good. (And she helped me paint until midnight and brought me Panera. I love her.)
I am not
sure if Beth even knows this, but the day I found out I was pregnant with my
fourth baby, before I told anyone, I called her. I let it ring and ring
and then I’d hang up when there was no answer. I did that a few times. I don’t
know why. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had seen each other or even
emailed. Something in me wanted so desperately to share this moment with her
and say Guess what? I’m pregnant, too!
be expecting at the same time, but I never got to see her pregnant with James
and Jake. I only know the before & after Beth. From reading her posts, of
course, I knew the “during” Beth in a certain way, I guess. The excitement and
the life- lives - which filled her body. And then before I could truly
cherish in this time with her, her belly and arms were empty. I never saw in
person what carried her eyes from full of fun and mischief to the eyes where
tears and hurt and immense loss had now made their home.
we finally arranged a girl’s night out, when Beth probably wasn’t quite ready
yet, my soul attached itself to her in a way I can not explain. But the girls
that were there know what I experienced. They felt it, too. Our very beings
united and have yet to separate. I’ve never seen Beth more beautiful and
radiant. There, sitting next to me full of heartbreak and grief. Me, with a
baby kicking inside when she should have two kicking inside her, too.
From then on I’d do anything for Beth. I ate a cheeseburger for her that night.
previously had thoughts of hiding my belly. Doing everything I could to help
her forget that I was pregnant like she should be. How can I be a good friend
in this time when I might just be a hurtful reminder? But, if you know Beth,
you know she is honest and raw and with her, there is never an elephant in the
room. It is the very thing she is against. And if one happens to show up, she
is the first to acknowledge it and call his fat butt out and make everyone
laugh about it.
just with Beth the other night and saw a whole new light and dark within her
eyes. She’s not just the after Beth anymore. I’m really not sure who she’s
becoming right now, to be honest, but the deepness that is her heart and core
is none like I’ve ever seen before. I’ve almost felt guilty that I’ve learned
more from her during these past several months than I’ve been able to give
back. It is never my desire to be the taker. But she draws you to her and
reveals a spirit- a crystal clear window to look in and see her broken heart,
observe it, poke it with a stick, and tell you how much it sucks.
And because there are no elephants allowed, I never feel like I have to caress her
hair, feed her bible verses, and say it’s all going to be ok. Because to her
it’s not ok. Yes, everything will eventually seem better… someday.
Someday she might even be pregnant again and head down a whole new road and
life expanding her family in the way she dreams. And I trust those
dreams will come true. I also believe that James & Jake will always be a
part of those dreams, too.
No matter how long or short their time was with us, they will continue to
sparkle behind Beth’s eyes- sometimes with laughter and many times with tears.
They are breathed within her words on these pages. I feel their presence. And I
know that James & Jake, whether we speak it out loud or not, will forever
connect our magical sisterhood without end.