Stephanie from Adventures in Babywearing is writing for me on my blog this weekend. Her words and her love are so very powerful to me. I am so fortunate to have her in my life because her love and her heart are so good. (And she helped me paint until midnight and brought me Panera. I love her.)
I am not
sure if Beth even knows this, but the day I found out I was pregnant with my
fourth baby, before I told anyone, I called her. I let it ring and ring
and then I’d hang up when there was no answer. I did that a few times. I don’t
know why. I couldn’t tell you the last time we had seen each other or even
emailed. Something in me wanted so desperately to share this moment with her
and say Guess what? I’m pregnant, too!
We would
be expecting at the same time, but I never got to see her pregnant with James
and Jake. I only know the before & after Beth. From reading her posts, of
course, I knew the “during” Beth in a certain way, I guess. The excitement and
the life- lives - which filled her body. And then before I could truly
cherish in this time with her, her belly and arms were empty. I never saw in
person what carried her eyes from full of fun and mischief to the eyes where
tears and hurt and immense loss had now made their home.
The night
we finally arranged a girl’s night out, when Beth probably wasn’t quite ready
yet, my soul attached itself to her in a way I can not explain. But the girls
that were there know what I experienced. They felt it, too. Our very beings
united and have yet to separate. I’ve never seen Beth more beautiful and
radiant. There, sitting next to me full of heartbreak and grief. Me, with a
baby kicking inside when she should have two kicking inside her, too.
From then on I’d do anything for Beth. I ate a cheeseburger for her that night.
I
previously had thoughts of hiding my belly. Doing everything I could to help
her forget that I was pregnant like she should be. How can I be a good friend
in this time when I might just be a hurtful reminder? But, if you know Beth,
you know she is honest and raw and with her, there is never an elephant in the
room. It is the very thing she is against. And if one happens to show up, she
is the first to acknowledge it and call his fat butt out and make everyone
laugh about it.
I was
just with Beth the other night and saw a whole new light and dark within her
eyes. She’s not just the after Beth anymore. I’m really not sure who she’s
becoming right now, to be honest, but the deepness that is her heart and core
is none like I’ve ever seen before. I’ve almost felt guilty that I’ve learned
more from her during these past several months than I’ve been able to give
back. It is never my desire to be the taker. But she draws you to her and
reveals a spirit- a crystal clear window to look in and see her broken heart,
observe it, poke it with a stick, and tell you how much it sucks.
And because there are no elephants allowed, I never feel like I have to caress her
hair, feed her bible verses, and say it’s all going to be ok. Because to her
it’s not ok. Yes, everything will eventually seem better… someday.
Someday she might even be pregnant again and head down a whole new road and
life expanding her family in the way she dreams. And I trust those
dreams will come true. I also believe that James & Jake will always be a
part of those dreams, too.
No matter how long or short their time was with us, they will continue to
sparkle behind Beth’s eyes- sometimes with laughter and many times with tears.
They are breathed within her words on these pages. I feel their presence. And I
know that James & Jake, whether we speak it out loud or not, will forever
connect our magical sisterhood without end.
OH Steph, this was perfect.
Beth, we all love you so very much.
OH Steph, this was perfect.
Beth, we all love you so very much.
Beth~
You are so blessed to have such wonderful friends in your life. Their words are amazing and even though I miss your posts, these guest posts have been the next best thing to having you! Hope you and your family are enjoying this holiday weekend in your new home together!
Beth~
You are so blessed to have such wonderful friends in your life. Their words are amazing and even though I miss your posts, these guest posts have been the next best thing to having you! Hope you and your family are enjoying this holiday weekend in your new home together!
Thank you for allowing me to even attempt to reveal a glimpse of the amazing privilege it is to be your friend.
Love, Steph
Thank you for allowing me to even attempt to reveal a glimpse of the amazing privilege it is to be your friend.
Love, Steph
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
Perfect and beautiful, Steph. You’ve expressed what I can’t. I love you ladies.
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing,
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing,
steph, as usual, you write so beautifully. thanks for sharing this.
beth, you are so lucky to have this wonderful group of friends. thanks for letting them share your blog!
steph, as usual, you write so beautifully. thanks for sharing this.
beth, you are so lucky to have this wonderful group of friends. thanks for letting them share your blog!
Steph that was absolutely beautiful! Beth, I am so thankful that you have such wonderful friends who are there beside you during this journey. While we can send hugs through the blogosphere there is nothing like receiving one in person from one of your best friends!
Steph that was absolutely beautiful! Beth, I am so thankful that you have such wonderful friends who are there beside you during this journey. While we can send hugs through the blogosphere there is nothing like receiving one in person from one of your best friends!
A friend is one of life’s greatest joys. Henry David Thoreau said it best when he wrote: Friends cherish each other’s hopes and are kind to each other’s dreams.
Isn’t it amazing just how beautiful it is when we find someone who does cherish our hopes and is kind to our dreams… and how this makes life so magnificently simple.
Sharon -
A friend is one of life’s greatest joys. Henry David Thoreau said it best when he wrote: Friends cherish each other’s hopes and are kind to each other’s dreams.
Isn’t it amazing just how beautiful it is when we find someone who does cherish our hopes and is kind to our dreams… and how this makes life so magnificently simple.
Sharon -
What a beautiful and honest post. Anyone would be lucky to have one friend like this and yet–after staying a loyal reader for so long–I know that you have more than just one, Beth. I loved this post.
What a beautiful and honest post. Anyone would be lucky to have one friend like this and yet–after staying a loyal reader for so long–I know that you have more than just one, Beth. I loved this post.
As a Mama who has lost a baby (she was 8 months old), I absolutely love this post. I have met many people who knew me after my baby died, and many who met me right before and during my grief. It is very interesting for me to read how it may come across to others. I also, do not let elephants stay in the room. It’s not ok that she’s not here, it still hurts like hell (almost 5 years later), but having friends and family who were/are so supportive and willing to listen helps more than they will ever know. She is lucky to have you as a dear friend.
As a Mama who has lost a baby (she was 8 months old), I absolutely love this post. I have met many people who knew me after my baby died, and many who met me right before and during my grief. It is very interesting for me to read how it may come across to others. I also, do not let elephants stay in the room. It’s not ok that she’s not here, it still hurts like hell (almost 5 years later), but having friends and family who were/are so supportive and willing to listen helps more than they will ever know. She is lucky to have you as a dear friend.
This was one of the most beautiful things I have ever ever read, Steph. I feel in awe of you that can be such a special friend, beautiful thoughtful person, and express it all so well. You are both so lucky to have one another.
This was one of the most beautiful things I have ever ever read, Steph. I feel in awe of you that can be such a special friend, beautiful thoughtful person, and express it all so well. You are both so lucky to have one another.
I’ve really enjoyed all of your guests. You have such amazing friends.
Such beautiful sentiments.
I’ve really enjoyed all of your guests. You have such amazing friends.
Such beautiful sentiments.
All I can say is wow!
All I can say is wow!
Steph, as your mom, you never cease to amaze me. You have such a gift of writing. This was simply beautiful and Beth is so blessed to have such wonderful friends.
Steph, as your mom, you never cease to amaze me. You have such a gift of writing. This was simply beautiful and Beth is so blessed to have such wonderful friends.
WOW! I am sitting here in tears. A mother who 4 years after losing a 12 day old baby still feels the pain at times almost as raw as the day it happened. What a special friend. You are blessed. No elephants here either. What a blessing that is. We don’t let people feel uncomfortable about our loss. It’s not fair to them, and not fair to us! Thank you for such a beautiful post!
WOW! I am sitting here in tears. A mother who 4 years after losing a 12 day old baby still feels the pain at times almost as raw as the day it happened. What a special friend. You are blessed. No elephants here either. What a blessing that is. We don’t let people feel uncomfortable about our loss. It’s not fair to them, and not fair to us! Thank you for such a beautiful post!
The beauty and heart behind these words really struck me today because one of my best friends has a baby with a terminal disease. She is struggling through the unfathomable – - not knowing which moment will be the last. Preparing to let go. Being angry. Being sad. How can I even begin to understand? I’m trying to be the best friend I can, and I just feel so helpless. My heart is hurting for her, and as I read these words, I was struck by the statement that it’s not “OK.” Not OK for Beth, for my friend or for any mother in this situation. It won’t be OK for my friend for a long time. I’m just hoping I can be the friend she needs through all of that. Thanks for sharing.
http://psychmamma.wordpress.com
The beauty and heart behind these words really struck me today because one of my best friends has a baby with a terminal disease. She is struggling through the unfathomable – - not knowing which moment will be the last. Preparing to let go. Being angry. Being sad. How can I even begin to understand? I’m trying to be the best friend I can, and I just feel so helpless. My heart is hurting for her, and as I read these words, I was struck by the statement that it’s not “OK.” Not OK for Beth, for my friend or for any mother in this situation. It won’t be OK for my friend for a long time. I’m just hoping I can be the friend she needs through all of that. Thanks for sharing.
http://psychmamma.wordpress.com
This was beautiful and something that many need to hear. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was so thrilled to tell a friend who was just in her 2nd trimester, because I couldn’t wait for the fun that being pregnant together, both with our first, would be. Before I could call her, though, she called me to tell me that her water broke. At 16 weeks. I didn’t tell her that day, and I spent another week just listening to her pain, and letting it be about her. Then I took a deep breath and spilled my own news, worried about her response. Much like a true friend should, she nearly knocked me over when she jumped up to hug me. We both cried, and I realized that I owed it to her to not hide, to let her in on my pregnancy, but to also be there for her when she needed it. Friends are amazing.:)
This was beautiful and something that many need to hear. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, I was so thrilled to tell a friend who was just in her 2nd trimester, because I couldn’t wait for the fun that being pregnant together, both with our first, would be. Before I could call her, though, she called me to tell me that her water broke. At 16 weeks. I didn’t tell her that day, and I spent another week just listening to her pain, and letting it be about her. Then I took a deep breath and spilled my own news, worried about her response. Much like a true friend should, she nearly knocked me over when she jumped up to hug me. We both cried, and I realized that I owed it to her to not hide, to let her in on my pregnancy, but to also be there for her when she needed it. Friends are amazing.:)
“But she draws you to her and reveals a spirit- a crystal clear window to look in and see her broken heart, observe it, poke it with a stick, and tell you how much it sucks.”
Wow. I’m stunned at the beauty and pure truth in this statement. Love it so much.
I so adore that I’m a part of that sisterhood. How can it be? What a blessing.
Perfectly perfect post, Steph!
“But she draws you to her and reveals a spirit- a crystal clear window to look in and see her broken heart, observe it, poke it with a stick, and tell you how much it sucks.”
Wow. I’m stunned at the beauty and pure truth in this statement. Love it so much.
I so adore that I’m a part of that sisterhood. How can it be? What a blessing.
Perfectly perfect post, Steph!
How very blessed you are to have such AMAZING people in your life…and you in theirs. This was beautfiul!!!!
How very blessed you are to have such AMAZING people in your life…and you in theirs. This was beautfiul!!!!
Oh thanks so much for sharing this with us…a truly touching and tender post filled with love and friendship and dreams!
What a blessing friendship is!
Oh thanks so much for sharing this with us…a truly touching and tender post filled with love and friendship and dreams!
What a blessing friendship is!
Beth~
I only know of your story from what Steph has shared on her blog and in conversations we have had. But I too am a grieving mother.. I lost my 3 day old son just over 4 years ago. I just wanted to tell you that you have been in my prayers. Although it may lessen and change appearance, the sting of your grief will probably not go away for a long time and we really wouldn’t want it to. Your two boys are very real parts of your family, your life. Having people around you that help remember them and you can let you grieve at your own pace takes some of the pressure off. And it sounds like you do have people like that in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You can contact me by e-mail if you ever need a sympathetic ear.
Peace and Blessings!
Farrah (babyloveslings.blogspot.com)
Beth~
I only know of your story from what Steph has shared on her blog and in conversations we have had. But I too am a grieving mother.. I lost my 3 day old son just over 4 years ago. I just wanted to tell you that you have been in my prayers. Although it may lessen and change appearance, the sting of your grief will probably not go away for a long time and we really wouldn’t want it to. Your two boys are very real parts of your family, your life. Having people around you that help remember them and you can let you grieve at your own pace takes some of the pressure off. And it sounds like you do have people like that in your life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You can contact me by e-mail if you ever need a sympathetic ear.
Peace and Blessings!
Farrah (babyloveslings.blogspot.com)