2008 August | I Should Be Folding Laundry

Archive for August 2008 – Page 3

Not so easy right now

August 20th, 2008

Tomorrow, Ariel starts Kindergarten. On Friday, Racecar begins his second year of preschool, he’ll go three days a week.

Today, we shopped and did laundry and cleaned and filled out forms, all in preparation for school to begin. The kids are so excited and I’m really excited for them.

Last November, just hours after taking a pregnancy test and learning I was pregnant, I figured out that I would be due just before school started. I thought it was fun because here I thought that in the fall of 2008 I would have time to myself three days a week, time to clean, shop, work, blog, whatever I wanted. But in fact, the time would instead be spent nursing, changing diapers, cuddling, resting.

I could not wait.

To learn that for almost nine hours a week I would have time alone with my TWO baby boys, well, I was simply over the moon.

So, right now, as we prepare for school to start and I approach my time alone, I realize, quite easily, that I am so sad. I do not want to be alone, I do not want my house to myself, I do not want the peace and quiet.

That’s not what I want.

I don’t know if it’s that this time that was to be spent with James and Jake will now be spent by myself, or if it’s watching my kids enjoy the last few days of summer and become completely excited at the thought of school starting again and knowing that James and Jake won’t have that. Or if it’s that so many of my best friends are about to give birth any day now, or if it’s everything combined, but my heart is so heavy. So heavy. The strength I have been feeling deep within me is crumbling. The desire to know, hug, kiss, teach and love our sons is intense, overwhelming and lingering. It’s seemingly growing stronger every single day.

When I think about their little bodies, their beautiful souls, their amazing perfection and I think about the fact that they are not here AND NEVER WILL BE, well, I feel like a failure. Like a bad Mom. A terrible person. I wonder what I did that was so wrong to have killed my babies.

All I wanted to do was to love and protect them and watch them grow. I would teach them to be kind and loving. And they would have been so kind and so loving, if they had just been given a chance. I would have done anything to keep them from harm. Anything.

I can’t comprehend all that has happened in this past year, I can’t explain why we have gone from utter joy to complete despair. I can not properly express what it feels like inside my heart and soul right now, but what I can tell you is that both my heart and my soul hurt so very much and sometimes I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to recover.

The funny thing is, if feeling sadness is my way of feeling them, then I’d rather feel sadness than nothing at all.

So Fast

August 19th, 2008

Is everyone consumed with the kids going back to school? Seems the blog world is a little slow lately, which is good for me, because I am so far behind in blogging and blog reading and commenting that I am almost embarrassed to show my face around here. But I’m going to anyway since the next few days are going to be CRAZY and I’m not sure I’ll be around much. Then again, something tells me I’ll be around this blog quite a bit. I’m feeling a lot in my heart right now, amidst the chaos, I’m feeling profound sadness, wishing that James and Jake were here now more than ever and sometimes in these moments of sadness, I turn to writing.

It’s good for me, good for my soul.

Christy and her kids left today. We were all very sad to be separating, the visit was beyond amazing. We had such a great time, the kids had such a great time, the chemistry was just perfect. While hugging me good-bye, Christy’s son said to me "I’m going to miss all four of you." I hope he understands how much we’ll miss him, too. All four of us. Christy and I have a definite connection, a depth, an understanding, a friendship that is bound forever, despite the distance, I know there is so much love and admiration between the two of us, that we’ll hardly notice the miles between us.

I wish I could eloquently express what her visit meant to me, words are failing, I don’t know why. She was the perfect house guest, a great helper, she was patient and understanding with my naps and my sickness, she’s a beautiful Mom, a wonderful friend and she’s so so funny.

Although I am looking forward to life calming down and beginning our new schedule, I’m sad that not only her visit is done, but summer vacation is over, too. I just can’t shake the disbelief at how quickly this year is passing us by. Blink. Another day gone. Blink. Another week.

I’m heading to bed, just to wake up to another day that will be over, before I know it.

Does everyone feel this way? or is it just me?

Overwhelmed

August 18th, 2008

Sometimes, in a single weekend, I experience, feel and see so much love and beauty, that by the end of the weekend I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open, I can hardly move.

That is what I call a very, very good weekend. I am so grateful to have not only experienced what we have this weekend, but also for the pictures that I have to help me remember.

Hey, it’s me.

August 17th, 2008

You know it’s been awhile since you’ve blogged when your house guests says "um…have you blogged?" I apologize for my disappearance, it was not intentional. (Read: Christy’s fault)

So, I guess I should blog but it’s soooooo hard since Christy is still here (she extended her stay!) (I know!) and I’m still sickly (I have no voice) and tired and when I should be blogging, I’m napping because I am such an exciting host. Don’t I make you want to come stay at Casa Del Folding Laundry? Speaking of folding laundry, I have SCADS of laundry to do and I’ll do it, soon, I’m busy trying to complete my very long to-do list beforehand:

-sleep until eleven. CHECK.
-put bras in fancy new washer. CHECK.
-laugh with Christy because she is HI-LIARIOUS. CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.
-leave bras in fancy new washer. CHECK.
-take a nap because of nasty ass headache that is threatening to split my head open. CHECK.
-wake up from nap and eat grilled cheese and cupcake. CHECK.
-take a close look at all of the chips and jelly and mud all over the kitchen floor and do nothing about it. CHECK.
-blog. CHECKING.
-stay in pajamas until 4:30. CHECKITY CHECK CHECK.

We are an exciting bunch. I know. I’ll be back soon! With pictures! and stories!

I’m fixin’ to blog, y’all.

August 14th, 2008

I’m sitting in my living room, drinking coffee and listening to Ariel, Racecar and Christy’s son BJ play Wii. Christy just got done creating her Mii character (she’s a Wii virgin!). She’s about to bowl her first game of bowling.

Although my throat still hurts like an em effer, my fever just broke and I’m sweating like a 400 pound man sitting in the sun in the middle of August and my glands are swollen to the point that I look just like John McCain, despite all of these things, I kinda feel like I’m in heaven right now.

I mean, CHRISTY is in my house. HER KIDS are in my house. We are drinking coffee TOGETHER, in our ghetto pajamas (mine with a hole, hers with oreo cookie ice cream on the front), we are both on our RED (ruby and roja) laptops and we don’t even get annoyed when one person is blogging while the other is not. AND I introduced dunking BUG BITES in coffee to Christy and let’s just say we’ll be needing to pick up a few more boxes at some point today. or as Christy says "I’m FIXIN’ to pick up some Bug Bites." I love it when she says fixin’. and y’all.

The situation is quite perfect, the only thing that will make this situation better would be if my throat didn’t hurt so damn bad, but that’s okay, I’ll survive. That’s how good everything is right now, the strept throat really doesn’t matter all that much. Unless I need to, you know, talk or drink water.

My blogging time is up, we have important things to do like Wii bowling and going to Target.

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