Yesterday I had an appointment with my OB.  I hadn’t been to the office since April and I was pretty nervous going back.  I was called back pretty much immediately and was overwhelmed by the smell.  I can’t get over how powerful a scent can be, how it can bring back memories and feelings and how it can actually cause sadness.

I was feeling sadness.  Sitting there, covered with an XXL paper towel on my lap with a XXL paper towel wrapped around my upper half, I sat there, cold, uncomfortable, grotesquely naked and trying not to smell anything.  Remembering all that has happened in this very office, it was difficult and honestly, it was hard to fathom all that we have been through.

And then my doctor came in.  The person who first touched James and Jake, her presence immediately comforted be.  That and the fact that she said “you look skinny, you look really good.”

I told her she must have mistaken me for someone else because I am actually the size of a tank and I began to talk about my weight and how high it is and how much I hate it and she said “you are doing great…one battle at a time.”

And she made me feel so much better.  We discussed lots of things, we laughed, which I have never done during a pap smear and I apologized and she said laughing sometimes helps her while she’s down there and then I laughed even harder.  We discussed important topics such as blogging, my soon-to-be photography business (yep!  I’m going to do it!) and Target.

I left there feeling so light and happy.  I just wanted to celebrate.  I wanted to celebrate the fact that this appointment went so well, I wanted to celebrate the fact that I had found the perfect doctor, the person who has walked this journey by our sides, making it easier for us, with just her gentle words and cautious actions.  I wanted to celebrate not hating myself for being fat.  I just wanted to have a big, big party.

Since losing James and Jake, we have been filled with such grief and sadness, but we have also been filled with love, life and appreciation.   Even though they are not here with us, in our arms, they are so very much in our hearts and minds and in the everyday beauty that surrounds us, and that, too, is a great reason to celebrate.

I hope you celebrate, too.  Celebrate all that is good and amazing, hopeful and beautiful.  When you open your eyes to it, I think you’ll find yourself celebrating for a very, very long time.  And that would be a beautiful thing.

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