The kids stayed at Grandma’s last night. I slept until 11:30 this morning with no interruptions (I KNOW!). I cleaned the downstairs, dusted, have done three loads of laundry. the kids are still gone. What’s left to do?
I swore I would not paint kitchen, I promised that I would hire someone to do the job. But, alas, I do not have the $400-$800 for someone to do the job and since Lynette gave me an unopened can of the kitchen wall color of my dreams, I have no excuses. The taping has begun….
This week has been so incredible. I can’t go into detail right now, but what’s been going on in my life is so exciting and surreal. Soon I’ll share with all of you what has been going on with me, it’s amazing. I am in awe of how surrounded by love I feel. I was talking to Christy last night, (AT MIDNIGHT! We are party animals!) and I was telling her how loved I feel, that between this person, this person, this person, this person, this person, this person (all of these people have gone out of their way for me this week alone). Not to mention Brian and my family and all of you and the love that you share with me, that I could just throw up love.
I will tell you that is has to do with photography and I will also tell you that I think what is happening is meant to be. I think there are two little angels guiding me in this direction and as scared and uncertain as I am, I’m going to let them lead me or sometimes push me. I need to trust them. They are definitely leading and pushing, that’s for sure.
Sometimes, during my rare moments of silence, usually while lying in bed or driving in the car, I think about how sad I am that James and Jake have died. I think about how we have this darkness in our lives, this emptiness in our hearts that we can’t shake, nor will we ever be able to, I don’t think. And when I let my mind go back to those first days, weeks, months of despair and tears and heartache, I can’t believe that this has happened to us at all.
It makes me hate 2008. This year, whenever someone says “oh, he was born in 2008” or “we were married in 2008,” my heart will sink and I’ll go back to that year that was so hard.
But I’m thinking that it’s also going to be year of greatness, too. The year of great love, great friendship, great family, amazing business ventures and intense gratitude. Sometimes I wonder if all of this was in front of me before and I just didn’t realize it. I have so many questions, questions that will never be answered. Sometimes that’s okay and sometimes it’s not. Either way, we have no choice but to live life not so blindly, it’s amazing the colors that you see if you are actually looking.
I need to continue listening, continue moving, continue loving and missing and continue living this life as wholly and purposefully as ever before. And I can do that knowing I have two little angels by my side.
And all of you, too.
It feels so good to be home.
Upon entering our house, the first thing I noticed was how good everything smelled, clean and brand new, like new wood and new carpet, it was delicious. And then I opened the dishwasher and realize I forgot to run it before leaving and that shot the good smell to hell. (note to self: don’t ever do that again, you idiot.)
So I lit a farmhouse apple candle and that made everything all better.
When we first stopped in Ohio, we got out of the car and Ariel said “oh my gosh, Ohio smells so good, it smells so fresh. I LOVE OHIO.” She was very serious.
She smells everything, she even smelled a menu the other day and said it smelled just like the floor of the gymnasium at school.
When we stopped in Pennsylvania she said it smelled so sweet. “Pennsylvania smells the best!” she said.
New Jersey smelled even sweeter.
And Indiana? It smells lame. She was not too happy about returning to Indiana, apparently. Such a strong opinion for such a little girl. Don’t you think?
On the way home, we stopped at Lynette’s new house near Cleveland. She moved from this area in July and after seeing her yesterday I realized that I had been supressing so many feelings about her leaving. I really miss her so much and don’t tell her this, but I kind of want to beat her up for moving. (she could totally beat me up, so seriously, don’t tell her I said that.) Anyway, stopping at her house brought us all so much joy, it was the perfect last stop of the trip.
And although the trip was great, I am SO glad it’s over. I missed you!
I blogged over here today, too.
We are home from our whirlwind trip to New Jersey. We had a really great time, the kids were amazing, (for the most part) and everything went smoothly. We arrived home a little before five tonight and we’ve already done the laundry, unpacked, cleaned out the car, and bathed the kids and ourselves . We are utterly exhausted and I think I’m incapable of forming complete sentences, so I’ll just come back tomorrow and tell you all about it. How’s that sound?
In the meantime, don’t forget about my Lands’ End giveaway going on, it ends tomorrow.
And before I leave, I have a very big complaint and I think some of you are going to agree with me 100% while the rest of you probably will realize how very lucky you are.
I live in a regular Target area. It’s just a Target. It’s really nice, but it’s just a Target. I’m grateful, I swear. (I realize some of you do not live any where near a Target and I’m so very sorry, I can not imagine.)
But I really want a Super Target, complete with organic produce! Beautiful, healthy looking produce and tons of alcohol! I want a Super Target with an assortment of cheeses and yogurts and coffees and cereals. I want a Target with a Pizza Hut. Not because I loooove Pizza Hut or anything, but because I at least want the option to have Pizza Hut after shopping if I want to. But mostly, I want a Target with a Starbucks built into it. A beautiful, coffee producing, sweet smelling Starbucks. Starbucks while shopping at Target, it’s a perfect combination. Today I shopped in a Target and it was divine, it was perfect and quiet and so clean and lovely. But it was an hour away from my house.
So, please, Mr. Target, send one my way. Is that really so much to ask? That’s all. My rant is over.
Look, I had some fun taking pictures of the sun yesterday. Look at how well she cooperated with me! The first two were taken in Philadelphia where we stopped for lunch. Great city! The last shot was taken at a rest area in Pennsylvania. Good night, friends. It’s great to be home.
You know what I like about New Jersey? The fact that it can be called Jersey and it sounds so hip and cool.
Where you headed?
Jersey.
The Jersey Shore.
AWESOME.
Know what I don’t like about New Jersey? You can’t take left turns. It’s true. I know most of you have never been to New Jersey and didn’t even know this little fact about this little state. YOU CAN’T TURN LEFT. It’s very, very strange. If you’re destination is on the left, you actually have to pass it, find a stoplight guided u-turn and drive back to the place you missed. But it’s not my state and I’m not here very much so I guess I won’t judge, right? There’s a Dunkin’ Donuts down the road and that means we are going to be just fine.
We are here for a wedding. Brian’s cousin is getting married today and we are all very excited about this event. I’ll be wearing a dress that I really like and it was only the 79th dress I tried on. My friends at Shabby Apple sent me this dress to wear to the wedding, it arrived and it was so soft and vivid and beautiful. But my belly got in the way for it to fit properly, so I can’t wear it. I was pretty disappointed, especially when I had to go dress shopping which is not fun when you are fat and completely unhappy with how you look.
I’m thinking I need to seriously do Weight Watchers and when I say seriously do Weight Watchers, not only do I mean, you know, actually COUNTING POINTS, but I also need to attend meetings. Every week. Which isn’t a big deal, except I feel silly? like a failure? embarrassed? Since I was a lifetime member for so long and here I am, big and round again. And it’s not like I can stand on the scale and say “YES BUT I WAS PREGNANT WITH TWINS AND I WAS DOING GREAT WITH MY WEIGHT AND THEN I LOST THEM AND THEN I DIDN’T EAT FOR WEEKS BECAUSE FOOD DIDN’T MATTER TO ME AND I LOST TOO MUCH WEIGHT AND THEN I STARTED EATING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AND I HAVEN’T STOPPED AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A LOSER WHICH MAKES ME EAT MORE, WHICH MAKES ME GAIN WEIGHT, WHICH MAKES ME FEELS WORSE ABOUT MYSELF AND THEN I EAT MORE.”
I just want to go to a meeting and not have anyone ask me any questions. Maybe I could get a shirt that says “yes, I know, but SHUTUP.”
But I won’t, it will be one of those life experiences that I look back on and think “you know, that was so hard but I overcame it and I’m so glad I did because I don’t hate the way I look anymore, I did something about it and I really do love myself.”
When I put it that way it doesn’t sound so bad, afterall.
