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Solitude |
October 2, 2008 | Filed Under JJF | 44 Comments |
I spend many moments alone, in my thoughts, alone in my grief. I have accepted these moments as just what we have to go through because we loved James and Jake so much, this is what happens when you have loved and you’ve lost.
But sometimes, the moments of solitude are so lonely that the silence that surrounds me is deafening and I don’t know where to turn or what to do.
I was there today. Alone. Sad. Angry. Wondering why, as I always do. Trying to figure out how I was going to simply put one foot in front of the other, let alone play with my kids, feed them lunch and work.
Then Brian sent an e-mail to me this morning after reading my post yesterday and I didn’t feel so alone.
“…believe it or not I was thinking about james and jake, too, on our trip. i felt like something was missing.”
As simple as that and I felt reassured that we are going to be okay. Then, as I write this post, Ariel comes running in with an envelope, I open it up and it’s a fun, singing card from Laurie and she writes “I just want you to remember that you are not alone…I will never forget your sweet boys.“ A perfectly timed message, only James and Jake could have orchestrated that timing.
Who is Laurie? Someone who reads my blog, someone reaching out, someone with a wonderful heart.
As much pain as we feel every single day, as the tears fall, once again as I write, I am comforted always, by words. YOUR words Simple words. I am comforted by every person who tells me that they will not forget James and Jake.
As I lay in the hospital room, with their bodies lying by my bed, I just prayed to God that they always be remembered by everyone who learned of them.
I feel as strongly about this now as I did on February 26th, 2008.
I dont think you ever have to worry about any of us every forgetting about them.. I think about them all the time. Just out of the blue sometimes…
But mostly when I think about this little soccer player inside my tummy and how badly I wish you could feel that too..
I dont think you ever have to worry about any of us every forgetting about them.. I think about them all the time. Just out of the blue sometimes…
But mostly when I think about this little soccer player inside my tummy and how badly I wish you could feel that too..
You are definitely not alone. You have touched so many people through your heartfelt posts and James and Jake will not be forgotten. You are a great, sincere person and I am so glad I am getting to know you!!
You are definitely not alone. You have touched so many people through your heartfelt posts and James and Jake will not be forgotten. You are a great, sincere person and I am so glad I am getting to know you!!
Beth- We all love you and have great respect for the pain you have been in, the way you have opened your heart to us readers, and how you have protected the memory of James and Jake with every word you write. We will always be here for you… you must know that!
Beth- We all love you and have great respect for the pain you have been in, the way you have opened your heart to us readers, and how you have protected the memory of James and Jake with every word you write. We will always be here for you… you must know that!
You and your twin boys have touched so many people’s hearts. They will forever be with each of us that have had the blessing of knowing you and your wonderful family.
You and your twin boys have touched so many people’s hearts. They will forever be with each of us that have had the blessing of knowing you and your wonderful family.
Your boys are loved and will always be loved by you, your family, friends and the lives that you have touched by sharing your pain. By being so open about your feelings, your grief and the unconsolable loss of not having your boys with you in the physical presence on a daily basis, it opens the door of hope for another who is alone in the dark.
As you know, your boys are with you – they live in your heart and in your soul.
Sending big hugs Beth. Gosh I wish that we lived closer so we could meet …..
Your boys are loved and will always be loved by you, your family, friends and the lives that you have touched by sharing your pain. By being so open about your feelings, your grief and the unconsolable loss of not having your boys with you in the physical presence on a daily basis, it opens the door of hope for another who is alone in the dark.
As you know, your boys are with you – they live in your heart and in your soul.
Sending big hugs Beth. Gosh I wish that we lived closer so we could meet …..
That is the wonderful thing about this thing that we call a blog, but is so much more. I have never met you, probably never will, but I think about you and your children, especially James and Jake all the time. I pray for you and your children all the time.
Isn’t it wonderful that we have a vehicle in our lifetime that allows us to become a community with people across the country, and to know of wonderful people we will never see? I often think of all the mothers who went through a very sad time like the death of your boys, before there was the internet, and twitter, email, blogs, etc. It must have been that much more isolating.
I hope that at times when you feel alone that you can feel our prayers, arms, and love surrounding you. Because of your wonderful honesty, and beautiful words, we all carry a piece of your babies with us, which will most definitely make their short lives matter, and will let them be remembered.
That is the wonderful thing about this thing that we call a blog, but is so much more. I have never met you, probably never will, but I think about you and your children, especially James and Jake all the time. I pray for you and your children all the time.
Isn’t it wonderful that we have a vehicle in our lifetime that allows us to become a community with people across the country, and to know of wonderful people we will never see? I often think of all the mothers who went through a very sad time like the death of your boys, before there was the internet, and twitter, email, blogs, etc. It must have been that much more isolating.
I hope that at times when you feel alone that you can feel our prayers, arms, and love surrounding you. Because of your wonderful honesty, and beautiful words, we all carry a piece of your babies with us, which will most definitely make their short lives matter, and will let them be remembered.
I read your blog all the time but for some reason I rarely comment. I want you to know we do think of you of your babies of your family…. I am sorry you have had a bad day, I pray God blesses you today and always.
I read your blog all the time but for some reason I rarely comment. I want you to know we do think of you of your babies of your family…. I am sorry you have had a bad day, I pray God blesses you today and always.
I check back here at your ole’ blog everyday. By expressing your grief and sharing with us the painful memories you have locked inside of you…….you have helped at least one other grieving person in this world. Me. I will never forget your sweet boys. It is because of them that I felt a connection to you and continued reading. We may live thousand (or is it hundreds..I am really bad at geography) but the distance does not erase the prayers that I am sending your way, for you, your family, and your angels.
Keep reaching out to those you need.
PS-that picture you took of Stephanie and Ivy is absolutely amazing! She is lucky to have a friend who can capture such beautiful moments. I wish you lived closer to me! I would SOOOO hire you!!!
Trish
I check back here at your ole’ blog everyday. By expressing your grief and sharing with us the painful memories you have locked inside of you…….you have helped at least one other grieving person in this world. Me. I will never forget your sweet boys. It is because of them that I felt a connection to you and continued reading. We may live thousand (or is it hundreds..I am really bad at geography) but the distance does not erase the prayers that I am sending your way, for you, your family, and your angels.
Keep reaching out to those you need.
PS-that picture you took of Stephanie and Ivy is absolutely amazing! She is lucky to have a friend who can capture such beautiful moments. I wish you lived closer to me! I would SOOOO hire you!!!
Trish
I will never forget James and Jake. They constantly remind me to love my son a little more each day–even on the bad days–like when he’s driving me crazy with all his whining. Every day is such a blessing! And I’m still praying for you and your family.
I will never forget James and Jake. They constantly remind me to love my son a little more each day–even on the bad days–like when he’s driving me crazy with all his whining. Every day is such a blessing! And I’m still praying for you and your family.
It’s really profound, when you think about it, how deeply life experiences can change us. And it doesn’t stop there, because the experiences of others, when they are shared so openly and so beautifully the way you share yours, can also change us. Move us. Become engraved in our hearts forever.
Just like those stones outside your house that represent J&J are going to last forever, so are their perfect spirits upon my soul.
xoxo
It’s really profound, when you think about it, how deeply life experiences can change us. And it doesn’t stop there, because the experiences of others, when they are shared so openly and so beautifully the way you share yours, can also change us. Move us. Become engraved in our hearts forever.
Just like those stones outside your house that represent J&J are going to last forever, so are their perfect spirits upon my soul.
xoxo
As many others have already said, you should not worry that James and Jake will be forgotten by your readers. We come here to visit you, see what’s up, and how you are. We realize that they are a part of you. And we will never forget.
Keep your chin up!
As many others have already said, you should not worry that James and Jake will be forgotten by your readers. We come here to visit you, see what’s up, and how you are. We realize that they are a part of you. And we will never forget.
Keep your chin up!
To be quite honest, I am amazed at your strength. I haven’t been reading your blog for very long, but what I see is someone who is so strong in spite of (or perhaps because of) all she’s been through, and that’s such an admirable quality.
To be quite honest, I am amazed at your strength. I haven’t been reading your blog for very long, but what I see is someone who is so strong in spite of (or perhaps because of) all she’s been through, and that’s such an admirable quality.
I am thinking you, Jake, and James. I am amazed at your strength and ability to continue sharing your day to day battle here with us. I am praying for you and I hope there is a ray of sunshine out there for you today.
I am thinking you, Jake, and James. I am amazed at your strength and ability to continue sharing your day to day battle here with us. I am praying for you and I hope there is a ray of sunshine out there for you today.
I think of James and Jake so often, Beth. I think it’s honest to say that I do think of them daily. I love you and think about you all the time, because you are so special to me. And it’s not like you’re a package deal or anything and like I only think about them when I think of you… it’s different. The permanent mark they made during their short time on this earth in your womb… it is something that is more powerful and meaningful than we may ever know. But one thing you can know is that they were, and are, so very loved and remembered.
Steph
I think of James and Jake so often, Beth. I think it’s honest to say that I do think of them daily. I love you and think about you all the time, because you are so special to me. And it’s not like you’re a package deal or anything and like I only think about them when I think of you… it’s different. The permanent mark they made during their short time on this earth in your womb… it is something that is more powerful and meaningful than we may ever know. But one thing you can know is that they were, and are, so very loved and remembered.
Steph
I love how you “see” james and jake in everything you do, feel and see…to me there is no other way to love and remember them than in that way. IT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
I love how you “see” james and jake in everything you do, feel and see…to me there is no other way to love and remember them than in that way. IT IS BEAUTIFUL!!
Those little boys are with me every day – I promise. Hugging you from afar.
Those little boys are with me every day – I promise. Hugging you from afar.
Friends live each others’ joys and happiness… and feel sorrows as they are their own. Both joyful and sorrowful memories live in the friends forever. In this way, James & Jake are remembered for all time, in so many places, in so many voices…
Friends live each others’ joys and happiness… and feel sorrows as they are their own. Both joyful and sorrowful memories live in the friends forever. In this way, James & Jake are remembered for all time, in so many places, in so many voices…
I am very honored that you have shared your blog with me. I can see your feelings and experiences are very meaningful to your friends (your readers). James and Jake will always be remember because YOU let them into our hearts. I admire your strength…always have. I’m glad we got to talk today and look forward to reading more of you blogs!
I am very honored that you have shared your blog with me. I can see your feelings and experiences are very meaningful to your friends (your readers). James and Jake will always be remember because YOU let them into our hearts. I admire your strength…always have. I’m glad we got to talk today and look forward to reading more of you blogs!
I think about James and Jake ALL.THE.TIME. I feel a very strong connection with them and I can honestly say, they are never far from my mind. I love them like crazy. They are my nephews. My identical twin beautiful angel nephews and I’m just as proud as them as I am of any other nieces and nephews I have.
They will ALWAYS be remembered.
I think about James and Jake ALL.THE.TIME. I feel a very strong connection with them and I can honestly say, they are never far from my mind. I love them like crazy. They are my nephews. My identical twin beautiful angel nephews and I’m just as proud as them as I am of any other nieces and nephews I have.
They will ALWAYS be remembered.
[...] Remembering with Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry, Solitude. [...]
[...] Remembering with Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry, Solitude. [...]
I could never forget them after reading all of your beautiful and heart-felt posts. NEVER.
I could never forget them after reading all of your beautiful and heart-felt posts. NEVER.