My words are failing me.
Inside, my heart is broken, my arms are empty, my mind races with thoughts of sadness, disbelief and strangely, gratitude. My grief is appropriate, but is so often inappropriate. I ran into an old friend last week and she asked about my kids and their grade levels and she realized that both of them would be in school next year all day long, while I worked from home. She laughed and applauded and said “you must be so excited to have the house to yourself!”
I nodded politely and said “well… I guess.”
What would have happened if I had said “actually, IT SUCKS.”
Can you imagine? But, OF COURSE, I didn’t. I nodded. Just like I’m supposed to do.
I have so many emotions, deep, dark, explosive emotions inside of me but that’s where they are staying, I can’t articulate my thoughts and feelings and I’m becoming so frustrated with my silence and my inability to communicate, I need to try.
because I miss.
I miss so much of these boys that we love so much. I miss my life before grief.
I want. so badly to be rocking them to sleep right now. to kiss their precious lips. to watch them starting to smile and looking up at their older sister and brother, who, undoubtedly, would adore them.
I need. I need to feel not so alone. I need to be able to communicate with you, with myself, with my husband, with someone. But I can’t. Perhaps a call to my therapist is in order.
I wonder. Where they are right now. Are they in heaven watching down on us? CAN THEY FEEL HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM? Do they know what we would do to hold them once again? Do they miss us? Are they okay? If they are in heaven, do they call me “mommy?” WILL I EVER SEE THEM AGAIN?
Oh my God, please let us see them again.
I wonder. What went wrong? Why did this happen? Why us? But also, why not us?
I dream. Of their skin. of their little fingers, their ears, their eyes and their toes. Their smell, their sounds, their eyelashes, their smiles.
Their lives.
I ache. All of the time. With each hour that passes, with each cloud in the sky and leaf that falls to the ground, the beauty of the earth makes me ache. The precious hugs from my children, the laughter we hear, the hair we smell, makes me ache for James and Jake.
Sometimes, I close my eyes and instead of reliving their short lives with us and remembering the sting of their deaths, the depths of despair and the continuous ache in my heart, sometimes I imagine a life where they are with us, in our arms, sharing our lives, laying on our floors and on our beds, resting in our arms. I imagine laying with them and watching them breathe, listening to their sighs and pressing my lips on their foreheads. They lay side by side, so perfectly together, so perfectly with us. For a split second while imagining this, my heart forgets my sadness.
But it always remembers.
I pray. I pray for my peace, I pray for my boys, my family, our strength. I pray for the solitude to end.
I pray that someday, I’ll see James and Jake again.
Praying for peace for you Beth.
Praying for peace for you Beth.
Beth: I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry. So, so very sorry.
Beth: I don’t know what to say other than I am so sorry. So, so very sorry.
Beth, I ache for you too. I hope you see your baby boys again and that you can feel them with you–always! *hugs*
Beth, I ache for you too. I hope you see your baby boys again and that you can feel them with you–always! *hugs*
I remember this weekend when I couldn’t find my wallet when I said, “Why do these things happen? YA’KNOW?” As soon as the words came out, I thought…of course she knows. I mean, what a ridiculous thing to say to you when I know how you’re plagued with these questions all of the time.
When we (but not you) bragged over the weekend about how easy the kids were now that they’re older, I ALWAYS thought about the fact that James and Jake should have been there, and how much better that would have made the visit. They would have been just over 4 months old. I picture us giving them small portions of thin cereal, you and I sitting on my living room floor sitting in front of the boys in two matching infant seats enjoying their company as they listen to us talk and laugh… Oh my gosh, the pain is so real. I am so sorry they’re not with us. But I have no doubt you will see them again to give them those kisses and hold their tiny hands.
I still can’t believe this has happened. It feels like a dream, a horrible nightmarish dream that I can’t wake up from. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to you. I’m so sorry this has happened,. I’m so sorry you have to miss instead of hold your baby boys. It just isn’t fair, but I pray for peace and understanding for you, and all those who love you.
I remember this weekend when I couldn’t find my wallet when I said, “Why do these things happen? YA’KNOW?” As soon as the words came out, I thought…of course she knows. I mean, what a ridiculous thing to say to you when I know how you’re plagued with these questions all of the time.
When we (but not you) bragged over the weekend about how easy the kids were now that they’re older, I ALWAYS thought about the fact that James and Jake should have been there, and how much better that would have made the visit. They would have been just over 4 months old. I picture us giving them small portions of thin cereal, you and I sitting on my living room floor sitting in front of the boys in two matching infant seats enjoying their company as they listen to us talk and laugh… Oh my gosh, the pain is so real. I am so sorry they’re not with us. But I have no doubt you will see them again to give them those kisses and hold their tiny hands.
I still can’t believe this has happened. It feels like a dream, a horrible nightmarish dream that I can’t wake up from. I can’t even imagine how it must feel to you. I’m so sorry this has happened,. I’m so sorry you have to miss instead of hold your baby boys. It just isn’t fair, but I pray for peace and understanding for you, and all those who love you.
I hope that for you with all of my heart. Love.
I hope that for you with all of my heart. Love.
This was beautiful, Beth.
Steph
This was beautiful, Beth.
Steph
I know we don’t know each other but the way you described your pain, I could not help but cry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through so I just wanted to send you some bloggy hugs..{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
God bless.
I know we don’t know each other but the way you described your pain, I could not help but cry. I can’t imagine what you’re going through so I just wanted to send you some bloggy hugs..{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
God bless.
I’ve been sick for almost a week, and just now making a meager attempt to check in on all my friends. I hate to see that I missed this post days ago, but I am happy to have had this little glimpse inside that I know we’d not have otherwise.
Hugs for you, love for you. Everything, for you.
I’ve been sick for almost a week, and just now making a meager attempt to check in on all my friends. I hate to see that I missed this post days ago, but I am happy to have had this little glimpse inside that I know we’d not have otherwise.
Hugs for you, love for you. Everything, for you.
[...] Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry shares what she is missing so very deeply right now in I Miss. [...]
[...] Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry shares what she is missing so very deeply right now in I Miss. [...]
Tears. Beth, if NOTHING else, know that they know.
Love,
@
Tears. Beth, if NOTHING else, know that they know.
Love,
@
here’s an internet hug for you Beth, I don’t know what else to say – but thank you for sharing your grief.
I have a friend who has had 6 miscarriages… she’s at 10 weeks with another baby right now and we’re praying that she gets to hold this one. You sharing your grief, helps me understand her a little better and I appreciate that.
here’s an internet hug for you Beth, I don’t know what else to say – but thank you for sharing your grief.
I have a friend who has had 6 miscarriages… she’s at 10 weeks with another baby right now and we’re praying that she gets to hold this one. You sharing your grief, helps me understand her a little better and I appreciate that.
Hi Beth,
I never concurred that grief is temporary, neither should you think that way. It is not wrong to grief, to ache, to miss, to want, to need. I had an exact same titled post on my wordpress sometime back in October, albeit we are talking about totally different things.
Akin to many others, I think it is good to share your grief than bottle them up. Like fireworks, their moments (in this world) may have been shortlived but worth a place in many hearts.
Hi Beth,
I never concurred that grief is temporary, neither should you think that way. It is not wrong to grief, to ache, to miss, to want, to need. I had an exact same titled post on my wordpress sometime back in October, albeit we are talking about totally different things.
Akin to many others, I think it is good to share your grief than bottle them up. Like fireworks, their moments (in this world) may have been shortlived but worth a place in many hearts.
Time doesn’t really heal, does it? Not completely… I’m so sorry for your loss and am praying for you and your family.
Time doesn’t really heal, does it? Not completely… I’m so sorry for your loss and am praying for you and your family.
Please, fervently pray:
That TODAY OR TOMORROW NEBOJSA makes new steps toward me (call, approach, apologize) and that WE COMPLETE RECONCILE
That God keep us in His care and help us to work out all problems
For God’s protection of our love and future
That God keep evil influences and envy and jealous opinions and people away from our relationship, that all negative TEMPTATIONS, STUBBORNESS, UNFORGIVENNES AND BITTERNESS be lifted away
Thank you very much.
I’M PRAYING FOR YOU AND PEOPLE AROUND ME!
MAY YOU SEE THE ANSWERS TO MANY OF YOUR PRAYERS
GOD BLESS YOU!
Katarina
Please, fervently pray:
That TODAY OR TOMORROW NEBOJSA makes new steps toward me (call, approach, apologize) and that WE COMPLETE RECONCILE
That God keep us in His care and help us to work out all problems
For God’s protection of our love and future
That God keep evil influences and envy and jealous opinions and people away from our relationship, that all negative TEMPTATIONS, STUBBORNESS, UNFORGIVENNES AND BITTERNESS be lifted away
Thank you very much.
I’M PRAYING FOR YOU AND PEOPLE AROUND ME!
MAY YOU SEE THE ANSWERS TO MANY OF YOUR PRAYERS
GOD BLESS YOU!
Katarina