I miss
ByMy words are failing me.
Inside, my heart is broken, my arms are empty, my mind races with thoughts of sadness, disbelief and strangely, gratitude. My grief is appropriate, but is so often inappropriate. I ran into an old friend last week and she asked about my kids and their grade levels and she realized that both of them would be in school next year all day long, while I worked from home. She laughed and applauded and said “you must be so excited to have the house to yourself!”
I nodded politely and said “well… I guess.”
What would have happened if I had said “actually, IT SUCKS.”
Can you imagine? But, OF COURSE, I didn’t. I nodded. Just like I’m supposed to do.
I have so many emotions, deep, dark, explosive emotions inside of me but that’s where they are staying, I can’t articulate my thoughts and feelings and I’m becoming so frustrated with my silence and my inability to communicate, I need to try.
because I miss.
I miss so much of these boys that we love so much. I miss my life before grief.
I want. so badly to be rocking them to sleep right now. to kiss their precious lips. to watch them starting to smile and looking up at their older sister and brother, who, undoubtedly, would adore them.
I need. I need to feel not so alone. I need to be able to communicate with you, with myself, with my husband, with someone. But I can’t. Perhaps a call to my therapist is in order.
I wonder. Where they are right now. Are they in heaven watching down on us? CAN THEY FEEL HOW MUCH WE LOVE THEM? Do they know what we would do to hold them once again? Do they miss us? Are they okay? If they are in heaven, do they call me “mommy?” WILL I EVER SEE THEM AGAIN?
Oh my God, please let us see them again.
I wonder. What went wrong? Why did this happen? Why us? But also, why not us?
I dream. Of their skin. of their little fingers, their ears, their eyes and their toes. Their smell, their sounds, their eyelashes, their smiles.
Their lives.
I ache. All of the time. With each hour that passes, with each cloud in the sky and leaf that falls to the ground, the beauty of the earth makes me ache. The precious hugs from my children, the laughter we hear, the hair we smell, makes me ache for James and Jake.
Sometimes, I close my eyes and instead of reliving their short lives with us and remembering the sting of their deaths, the depths of despair and the continuous ache in my heart, sometimes I imagine a life where they are with us, in our arms, sharing our lives, laying on our floors and on our beds, resting in our arms. I imagine laying with them and watching them breathe, listening to their sighs and pressing my lips on their foreheads. They lay side by side, so perfectly together, so perfectly with us. For a split second while imagining this, my heart forgets my sadness.
But it always remembers.
I pray. I pray for my peace, I pray for my boys, my family, our strength. I pray for the solitude to end.
I pray that someday, I’ll see James and Jake again.
I so understand. It’s been a little over 5 years, but I still ache, miss, want and dream of the day when I will hold my sweet girl again. It isn’t fair, it isn’t easy, and it DOES SUCK.
You will see your boys again. You may not know it right now, and that’s ok, I know it for you. You will see them, they do feel your love and I would bet my life that they miss you so much too.
Email me if you want to chat. I get it, I’ve been there and done it. Many hugs to you.
I so understand. It’s been a little over 5 years, but I still ache, miss, want and dream of the day when I will hold my sweet girl again. It isn’t fair, it isn’t easy, and it DOES SUCK.
You will see your boys again. You may not know it right now, and that’s ok, I know it for you. You will see them, they do feel your love and I would bet my life that they miss you so much too.
Email me if you want to chat. I get it, I’ve been there and done it. Many hugs to you.
i hope you can feel me hugging you right now….these emotions you feel make perfect sense, and I wish you peace as you work through them. hugs hugs and more hugs to you….
i hope you can feel me hugging you right now….these emotions you feel make perfect sense, and I wish you peace as you work through them. hugs hugs and more hugs to you….
*HUGS*…. I cannot imagine your grief.
*HUGS*…. I cannot imagine your grief.
I’m sure one sweet day, you’ll hold your little boys again.. I am so sorry.. I’m saying a prayer for you. ((HUGS))
I’m sure one sweet day, you’ll hold your little boys again.. I am so sorry.. I’m saying a prayer for you. ((HUGS))
I pray for you too, my dear friend. I pray for your peace and your family and your boys and your heart.
I pray that the words won’t escape you. That you’ll be able to articulate exactly how you’re feeling to anyone and everyone. That you’ll be able to tell that person that you won’t be happy next year when you’re alone in your house. You’ll just be alone.
James and Jake are with you. They love you and know how much you love them. And you will see them again someday. You will. But until then, you’ll see the signs they are with you. The leaves, the trees, the butterflies, the sun bursts behind the clouds, the gentle raindrops on your windows, the snowflakes. It’s always them and always for you.
I love you. So much. And I’m here and I’ll listen and try to understand.
I pray for you too, my dear friend. I pray for your peace and your family and your boys and your heart.
I pray that the words won’t escape you. That you’ll be able to articulate exactly how you’re feeling to anyone and everyone. That you’ll be able to tell that person that you won’t be happy next year when you’re alone in your house. You’ll just be alone.
James and Jake are with you. They love you and know how much you love them. And you will see them again someday. You will. But until then, you’ll see the signs they are with you. The leaves, the trees, the butterflies, the sun bursts behind the clouds, the gentle raindrops on your windows, the snowflakes. It’s always them and always for you.
I love you. So much. And I’m here and I’ll listen and try to understand.
I wish I could take this pain away, Beth. I wish I could give you peace.
I know they’re with us everyday, and I know we’ll see them again.
Love.
I wish I could take this pain away, Beth. I wish I could give you peace.
I know they’re with us everyday, and I know we’ll see them again.
Love.
I wish.
I wish I could make it better. I wish I could bring them back to you and put them in your arms and see you dance for joy. And dance with you. I wish your heart would hurry up and mend. Hurry up and heal up the hole left in it. I wish I could wave a wand, snap my fingers, and put things back the way they were for you and your family. I wish that even just today, the whole day, could be free of the sadness that lives in you. I wish I could carry that sadness for you, gently and respectfully, while you walk lightly for a while.
I wish.
I wish I could make it better. I wish I could bring them back to you and put them in your arms and see you dance for joy. And dance with you. I wish your heart would hurry up and mend. Hurry up and heal up the hole left in it. I wish I could wave a wand, snap my fingers, and put things back the way they were for you and your family. I wish that even just today, the whole day, could be free of the sadness that lives in you. I wish I could carry that sadness for you, gently and respectfully, while you walk lightly for a while.
I think there is no question that they feel your love. I can feel it so strongly just reading your words.
Praying for you to feel peace.
hugs
I think there is no question that they feel your love. I can feel it so strongly just reading your words.
Praying for you to feel peace.
hugs
I wonder if those feelings ever go away. We lost our first baby at about 13 weeks in Spring of 2002. We never knew if is was a boy or a girl (never asked – not sure we could have known yet) but in my heart I think she was a girl. I miss her and cry to this day at moments like these. The little things that bring back the loss, the loss that most people just don’t understand.
Hang in there….
I wonder if those feelings ever go away. We lost our first baby at about 13 weeks in Spring of 2002. We never knew if is was a boy or a girl (never asked – not sure we could have known yet) but in my heart I think she was a girl. I miss her and cry to this day at moments like these. The little things that bring back the loss, the loss that most people just don’t understand.
Hang in there….
Oh Beth. Im sorry. I can relate. To all of it. I’ve been getting all the comments to. About how the little one will be in preschool next year and I’ll have all this time and how excited I must be. No. No I’m not, Because I shouldn’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want my little girl and it’s just not fair.
I’m sorry – now that I’ve comandeered your comments. I can just so relate. We’re coming up on Leah’s 1st Birthday…. and I’m just dying inside.
Oh Beth. Im sorry. I can relate. To all of it. I’ve been getting all the comments to. About how the little one will be in preschool next year and I’ll have all this time and how excited I must be. No. No I’m not, Because I shouldn’t be alone. I don’t want to be alone. I want my little girl and it’s just not fair.
I’m sorry – now that I’ve comandeered your comments. I can just so relate. We’re coming up on Leah’s 1st Birthday…. and I’m just dying inside.
I pray the same things for you and your family Beth. Sending extra ones today…
I pray the same things for you and your family Beth. Sending extra ones today…
I know that if there’s any justice in this world, you will get to see your boys again. And I pray that until then, you will see signs and things in your life that remind you that they are there, watching over you.
I know that if there’s any justice in this world, you will get to see your boys again. And I pray that until then, you will see signs and things in your life that remind you that they are there, watching over you.
Hi Beth,
Hugs to you! I think you should try to come up with something to say out loud to people when those moments come up. I think it will feel so good to put it out there. It may free you a little bit.
I think it’s a great thing that you express your self so well on your blog, and just know that I pray for you and admire you. You have so much on your mind and heart, and yet you are being a great wife, mother and business owner!
Hugs,
Jenni in Ohio
Hi Beth,
Hugs to you! I think you should try to come up with something to say out loud to people when those moments come up. I think it will feel so good to put it out there. It may free you a little bit.
I think it’s a great thing that you express your self so well on your blog, and just know that I pray for you and admire you. You have so much on your mind and heart, and yet you are being a great wife, mother and business owner!
Hugs,
Jenni in Ohio
*hugs*
*hugs*
Look at the way you’re able to express yourself here on your blog. You’re taking it step by step and we’re here to help hold you up along the journey. Your prayers are heard and one day will be answered. Keep the faith Beth. Many hugs and prayers are going out to you and I hope you can feel them. Love you!
Look at the way you’re able to express yourself here on your blog. You’re taking it step by step and we’re here to help hold you up along the journey. Your prayers are heard and one day will be answered. Keep the faith Beth. Many hugs and prayers are going out to you and I hope you can feel them. Love you!
I have no doubt you’ll see your boys again one day. Until then, you’re keeping them alive in your photography. Your way of capturing the simplest, most innocent moment keeps them alive. Maybe they’re the reason you’re able to see things with such beauty? I can’t express how much of a talent that is. I have no doubt they provided the little nudge you needed to start your business. They’re in heaven cheering you on with every flash!
I have no doubt you’ll see your boys again one day. Until then, you’re keeping them alive in your photography. Your way of capturing the simplest, most innocent moment keeps them alive. Maybe they’re the reason you’re able to see things with such beauty? I can’t express how much of a talent that is. I have no doubt they provided the little nudge you needed to start your business. They’re in heaven cheering you on with every flash!
My words are failing me, too… I cannot imagine the pain. I wish there was something… anything… that I could do…
My words are failing me, too… I cannot imagine the pain. I wish there was something… anything… that I could do…
i’m so sorry….yet, i hate that, because it does nothing. i have no doubt you’ll see them again, hold them, breathe them….yet, i hate that also because it only matters that YOU have no doubt of that. so, i’m just gonna keep praying for you. not just when you have the words to express it here on your blog…but everyday i pray for you. remember…YOU are that mom to me….the one who has made me a better mom and person because you’ve shared your journey. thank you for that.
i’m so sorry….yet, i hate that, because it does nothing. i have no doubt you’ll see them again, hold them, breathe them….yet, i hate that also because it only matters that YOU have no doubt of that. so, i’m just gonna keep praying for you. not just when you have the words to express it here on your blog…but everyday i pray for you. remember…YOU are that mom to me….the one who has made me a better mom and person because you’ve shared your journey. thank you for that.
I think you are doing a very good job articulating your feelings. It’s odd how life just seems to be sailing by at the speed of light; how things can be pushed into the back of your mind because of how fast you are moving, and then suddenly life stops. Memories, thoughts and feelings come flooding back and once again it overwhelms your mind. But each and every time this happens to you, you reach down inside yourself and find the strength to pick up and keep going. James and Jake are most definitely watching you from above and are proud to know that you are THEIR MOMMY and they will LOVE YOU forever. This photography thing is a sign. It’s a reminder of them; each time you capture that perfect moment, you remember them. It’s something that’s meant to be.
I think you are doing a very good job articulating your feelings. It’s odd how life just seems to be sailing by at the speed of light; how things can be pushed into the back of your mind because of how fast you are moving, and then suddenly life stops. Memories, thoughts and feelings come flooding back and once again it overwhelms your mind. But each and every time this happens to you, you reach down inside yourself and find the strength to pick up and keep going. James and Jake are most definitely watching you from above and are proud to know that you are THEIR MOMMY and they will LOVE YOU forever. This photography thing is a sign. It’s a reminder of them; each time you capture that perfect moment, you remember them. It’s something that’s meant to be.
I ditto Lynette’s comment. I think you’ve done an amazing job of expressing yourself on your blog, especially this post. Maybe you struggle in person, but you truly do have a way with words. You’re SO much more articulate and in touch with your feelings about everything than I have been.
I wish I had an answer for every question you posed, but I don’t. But, to answer a few…yes, they know how much you love them. They are okay…and you will see them again. It will be a beautiful reunion.
I hope you can feel my huge hug across cyberspace. Oh, and it’s from James and Jake, too. They love their mommy SO much.
I ditto Lynette’s comment. I think you’ve done an amazing job of expressing yourself on your blog, especially this post. Maybe you struggle in person, but you truly do have a way with words. You’re SO much more articulate and in touch with your feelings about everything than I have been.
I wish I had an answer for every question you posed, but I don’t. But, to answer a few…yes, they know how much you love them. They are okay…and you will see them again. It will be a beautiful reunion.
I hope you can feel my huge hug across cyberspace. Oh, and it’s from James and Jake, too. They love their mommy SO much.
how it must cut to wonder if you will see them someday, when all you want is to hold them THIS day…
but, someday will come, and they will know their mommy and laugh with the joy of seeing you…i’m convinced of that.
i have to tell you, jake and james have changed my heart and the way it percieves life. i will never be the same as i was before they lived and died. when i see a sad person, i think of your sweet boys every time and wonder if that person has lost someone they loved; when i encounter a crabby clerk, i think of your sweet boys, and wonder what untold sadness she carries in her heart; when i see happy glimpses of heaven, i think of your sweet boys, and know it is them…they are powerful little boys, jake and james. i’m never going to forget them.
how it must cut to wonder if you will see them someday, when all you want is to hold them THIS day…
but, someday will come, and they will know their mommy and laugh with the joy of seeing you…i’m convinced of that.
i have to tell you, jake and james have changed my heart and the way it percieves life. i will never be the same as i was before they lived and died. when i see a sad person, i think of your sweet boys every time and wonder if that person has lost someone they loved; when i encounter a crabby clerk, i think of your sweet boys, and wonder what untold sadness she carries in her heart; when i see happy glimpses of heaven, i think of your sweet boys, and know it is them…they are powerful little boys, jake and james. i’m never going to forget them.
My heart aches for you. I know that you will see them again, but I also know what that ache feels like. I hope you are able to find the peace that you need and I pray that if you want to that you will be able to have more children to love in addition to those two beautiful boys.
My heart aches for you. I know that you will see them again, but I also know what that ache feels like. I hope you are able to find the peace that you need and I pray that if you want to that you will be able to have more children to love in addition to those two beautiful boys.
I pray for you for the same things you pray for yourself. (((HUGS)))
I pray for you for the same things you pray for yourself. (((HUGS)))
Praying for you Beth..I am at a loss for words.
Hugs!!!!
Praying for you Beth..I am at a loss for words.
Hugs!!!!
I know this sounds cliched, but your two little boys have made such an impact on my life. I mean this with every part of my being — I will always always always remember them.
I know this sounds cliched, but your two little boys have made such an impact on my life. I mean this with every part of my being — I will always always always remember them.