My soul sister came over for a late night visit last night. She has a deep, deep (disturbing) love for Girl Scout cookies, her cookies arrived and she couldn’t stand the thought of them not being in her arms any longer, so she jumped in the car, drove to my house and we visited, without interruptions from our kids. until 11:30.
As a side note, I have to tell you that when she ate her first trefoil. She cried. As Brian (and God) as my witness…SHE CRIED.
I told you it was disturbing. (but that’s how she’s loves…with all of her and that’s why I want to carry her in my pocket ALL OF THE TIME. I wish everyone loved that way. Do you love that way? You should….you could.)
Anyway, I told her the story that I’m about to tell you, one that I’ve been putting off because of the DRAMA! and the DETAILS! And she used words like asshole and kicking ass and maybe even ho, but I won’t say for sure. If there is one thing about my soul sister, she’s passionate and loving but she knows grief. Too well. She lost her sister five years ago, so grief is with her always, on her shoulder, in her heart, on her steering wheel, it’s everywhere. She faces it not just daily, but every minute. She’s my hero, I swear to you.
So, I told her about my visit with my endocrinologist last Monday. The one that led me to write this post about my grief being over. As much as I wanted to incorporate the details of my doctor’s visit with you on that post, I absolutely could not, I did not have the strength to do so, so I left it out.
And here is the story.
My appointment was on Monday. Sunday night I had a terrible, horrifying dream, one about pregnancy and a pregnancy lost. I will not go into details because the last thing I want is to have that dream in writing.
I woke up Monday morning and my heart felt so heavy, my day felt so bleak, I could not shake that dream. By 1:00, I was crying. I hadn’t cried in a long, long time, so I knew it was necessary, it just hurts so much to hurt so much, so I try to avoid it whenever I can.
I had to drive to Chicago for my appointment, the trip started out with tears, but I turned on Elliot Smith and he soothed me. By the time I reach the city I was fine. I really was. I went up to the office and met with my doctor. The good news is that my thyroid levels are leveling out, but bad news is that my iron levels are still very low, which could explain my fatigue.
Anyway. She was pleased.
And then she asked how I was doing emotionally, I told her I was doing really well, except that I had had a bad dream the night before, so “today was particularly difficult.” I may have said it was the most I had been upset in a long, long time, or whatever. She asked about the details of my dream and I told her.
She then told me that she thought I was suffering from Post Traumatic Disorder.
Okay, fine.
And then she told me she was concerned about my mental health for future pregnancies. That’s fine, too.
And then (see why I put off these types of posts? I hate the and thens and the I saids and the she saids…it’s exhausting. For all of us, I’m sure.)
She encouraged me to seek a therapist. THAT’S FINE, TOO. I know this, I will. At this point I told her that I thought maybe I was misrepresenting myself, that I just had a bad dream and I’m having a bad day, but otherwise, I think I’m doing really quite well. I’m pretty proud of where I’m at and how I deal with things.
she said “when did all of this happen again, you losing the babies?”
“last February.”
And she said “yeah, see, I just think you should be farther than where you are at right now, you should be moving….on.”
Which, of course, felt like she punched me. A million times.
I’m trying to ignore her because of about 50 thousand reasons, here’s a few for you:
-she has no children. She has no idea.
-she is not a therapist.
-she pegged me, in a 10 minute briefing, which was totally wrong.
I also KNOW that she is wrong. I can remember both my therapist and my soul sister (my other therapist) telling me that where I’m at is where I am supposed to be. I learned that long ago and I have carried it with me every single day and this doctor last Monday? She knocked it out of my hands.
I keep trying to pick it up and run away from her, but it’s so hard. I mean, SHE’S A DOCTOR telling me to get over it.
I don’t even want to write about this because I am sure there are people who feel the same way and that drives me crazy. I can guarantee that anyone who feels that way, has never walked this path. I have learned, from writing about James and Jake so publicly, that there are so many people out there who have suffered a pregnancy loss and have felt like they had to just grieve privately, that others in their lives feel that this VERY REAL loss doesn’t count, but it does. IT REALLY DOES.
And if you’ve never been through it, first of all, you are so fortunate, but mostly, it is not your job to judge but to walk along this journey and learn from others.
Unfortunately, my doctor judged me and her words have been hard to shake, I’m still trying. But I have to tell you, that last week when I wrote about feeling like I should be done with it and having so many of you say the most amazing things to me in the comments, it was what I NEEDED.
Your words trumped the doctor’s words. See how powerful you are?
You have no idea how much you mean to me, all of you coming to my blog, to read my site everyday, you mean so so much to me.
I am so THANKFUL for YOU.
i’m thinking in terms that would make your soul sister pale.
when will everyone understand that someone who has lost someone they love lives under no expectations, timelines, or rules?!
i’m walking away, cussing out a chicago dr. all the way from montana.
i’m thinking in terms that would make your soul sister pale.
when will everyone understand that someone who has lost someone they love lives under no expectations, timelines, or rules?!
i’m walking away, cussing out a chicago dr. all the way from montana.
Anyone who could even think that, let alone voice it, is ignorant. The purest definition of the word. It is ignorant to think there’s a schedule for grief. It’s ignorant to think you “should be over” what happened to you. Her attitude is ignorant. She lives in blessed ignorance, where, so many people are lucky to live and they have no idea. Ignore her. {{{hugs}}}
Anyone who could even think that, let alone voice it, is ignorant. The purest definition of the word. It is ignorant to think there’s a schedule for grief. It’s ignorant to think you “should be over” what happened to you. Her attitude is ignorant. She lives in blessed ignorance, where, so many people are lucky to live and they have no idea. Ignore her. {{{hugs}}}
I’m sorry that you had to deal with that person not respecting your grief process. And just for the record, there is no “timeline” for grief- you are in the exact spot you need to be in right now. It is a long process to heal a wound that goes so deep in your heart, and there will forever be times that you feel a bit of a “twinge” or a sadness that your boys are not there, but no one but you can dictate how long that will take or how that process will be for you. As long as you are approaching this in a healthy way (which I feel you are) and making sure you are comfortable with the process and the progress you are making, I think that you are bringing a positive energy to your grief.
I’m sorry that you had to deal with that person not respecting your grief process. And just for the record, there is no “timeline” for grief- you are in the exact spot you need to be in right now. It is a long process to heal a wound that goes so deep in your heart, and there will forever be times that you feel a bit of a “twinge” or a sadness that your boys are not there, but no one but you can dictate how long that will take or how that process will be for you. As long as you are approaching this in a healthy way (which I feel you are) and making sure you are comfortable with the process and the progress you are making, I think that you are bringing a positive energy to your grief.
I think at times Doctors mean well but speak before they think! Which is too bad since we are supposed to trust our doctors.
I admire how you share your daily trials with us and by doing so help other bloggers in realizing they are not alone.
I think at times Doctors mean well but speak before they think! Which is too bad since we are supposed to trust our doctors.
I admire how you share your daily trials with us and by doing so help other bloggers in realizing they are not alone.
I am so sorry that your doctor knocked the breath out of you like she did. NO one can tell you how to grieve, we all do it differently and it’s NEVER wrong.
How awesome that you have someone to call your soul sister.
That made my heart warm to read, we all need someone like that in our corner.
I am so sorry that your doctor knocked the breath out of you like she did. NO one can tell you how to grieve, we all do it differently and it’s NEVER wrong.
How awesome that you have someone to call your soul sister.
That made my heart warm to read, we all need someone like that in our corner.
your soul sister is right you know.
ah yes, the same overweight doctor who told me I need to consider bariatirc surgery.
You are loved and your grief knows no time limit.
xoxo
CE
your soul sister is right you know.
ah yes, the same overweight doctor who told me I need to consider bariatirc surgery.
You are loved and your grief knows no time limit.
xoxo
CE
As I get older, I realize I must surround myself with people that are positive and uplifting. If I keep negative people around, doctors included, I’ll become negative. Get a new endocrinologist. Do not look back. They’re a dime a dozen in Chicago. I grew up there and you can find a “specialist” on each corner in the city. Good luck to you.
As I get older, I realize I must surround myself with people that are positive and uplifting. If I keep negative people around, doctors included, I’ll become negative. Get a new endocrinologist. Do not look back. They’re a dime a dozen in Chicago. I grew up there and you can find a “specialist” on each corner in the city. Good luck to you.
I’m new here, so I don’t know the whole story of your past, but I’d like to say that unfortunately in med school it seems some doctors take a class in “cold hard asshole”and “untactful bedside manner”.
You grieve as long as you need. Your where you need to be is exactly right. There is no book on how, where, when, your suppose to grieve.
I’ve had 3 early miscarriages and all of them still way heavy on my heart. The longest one was 8 years ago!!!
Does it way as heavy on my heart as it did then no, but I still think of it and grieve.
(((Hugs))))
Allyson
I’m new here, so I don’t know the whole story of your past, but I’d like to say that unfortunately in med school it seems some doctors take a class in “cold hard asshole”and “untactful bedside manner”.
You grieve as long as you need. Your where you need to be is exactly right. There is no book on how, where, when, your suppose to grieve.
I’ve had 3 early miscarriages and all of them still way heavy on my heart. The longest one was 8 years ago!!!
Does it way as heavy on my heart as it did then no, but I still think of it and grieve.
(((Hugs))))
Allyson
Everyone is different and until people realize that – we are all going to continue to have heartache and hurt and all that stuff.
No one, will never know what life is really like – until they have children. FORGET HER.
Everyone is different and until people realize that – we are all going to continue to have heartache and hurt and all that stuff.
No one, will never know what life is really like – until they have children. FORGET HER.
are you KIDDING????? she may be a doctor, but not a very smart one – to tell someone where they “should be” in their grief???? (oh i have a great swear word to put in here but i will respect your blog
) gee…i didn’t know there was a posted timeline on this. if so, maybe she can share with me where i should be after losing my dad almost 10 months ago. i still probably cry once a week when thinking about him and losing him back in january. if that’s how it is for me, i have NO idea how hard it is for you….she is FREAKING DUMB!!!!!! DUMB DUMB DUMB, STUPID STUPID STUPID! she needs to pull her head out of her arse…. 
are you KIDDING????? she may be a doctor, but not a very smart one – to tell someone where they “should be” in their grief???? (oh i have a great swear word to put in here but i will respect your blog
) gee…i didn’t know there was a posted timeline on this. if so, maybe she can share with me where i should be after losing my dad almost 10 months ago. i still probably cry once a week when thinking about him and losing him back in january. if that’s how it is for me, i have NO idea how hard it is for you….she is FREAKING DUMB!!!!!! DUMB DUMB DUMB, STUPID STUPID STUPID! she needs to pull her head out of her arse…. 
She proves my theory that doctors are idiots.
She proves my theory that doctors are idiots.
She? Is an idiot.
You? Are amazing.
Some people’s stupidity and tactlessness (new word?) is dumbfounding sometimes.
She? Is an idiot.
You? Are amazing.
Some people’s stupidity and tactlessness (new word?) is dumbfounding sometimes.
I am so proud of you for writing this post. I know it was hard for you to verbalize the anger and disappointment you are feeling
I love you!
I am so proud of you for writing this post. I know it was hard for you to verbalize the anger and disappointment you are feeling
I love you!
Beth,
There is nobody that can tell you when you should be over your grief. It is sad to know that a doctor would have told you this. I have said before, you grieve at your own pace. You will decide when this process is over. You will never forget Jake and James. Time will help to bring you peace. Take the time you need to grieve and make sure you ask for help, if you need it.
Hugs to you!
Beth,
There is nobody that can tell you when you should be over your grief. It is sad to know that a doctor would have told you this. I have said before, you grieve at your own pace. You will decide when this process is over. You will never forget Jake and James. Time will help to bring you peace. Take the time you need to grieve and make sure you ask for help, if you need it.
Hugs to you!
OK. First, I spent 30 years teaching high school English and never let loose one slip of my tongue. At home, it was another story. You can’t count the number of times I had to say to my children, “Now, don’t repeat what I said. Those are at-home (or in-car) words.” Now I find myself saying this same thing to my grandchildren. Poor things.
But here goes. My at-home and in-car words:
Doctors like that can suck #@^*. Maybe they do and that’s why their words are so #$@*-ed up. Their mouths aren’t attached to their #$@*-ing brains. Or maybe their heads are so far up their asses that all that’s left are #$@*-ing shoes. But at least shoes can’t hurt you. I wish I could say that I don’t believe you. But I do… because I’ve seen and heard and been in the same room with these asswipes too many times. These doctors feel very comfortable playing God. They think and see and hear “hallelujah” in their #&#*-ed up heads all day long. And I’ll bet she was VERY calm… like she just found the cure for AIDS and cancer yesterday… and she just won the Nobel Peace Prize to boot. You know what I’d like to say to her? “YOU WANT ME TO #$@*-ING MOVE ON? OK. I WILL. YOU’RE NOT MY ENDOCRINOLOGIST ANYMORE.”
Of course, she would say, “I’m sorry you feel this way.. because I walk around with my head up my ass all day long, and nobody has EVER dared question this…”
Beth… you, and only you, wake up each morning with your thoughts, your pain, your grief, your happiness, your ways to cope with your sadness and your loss. You are finding your way each moment. Your body hasn’t even healed yet, never mind your soul…
For your endocrinologist… I can’t even say the words, “Maybe she meant well.” I can’t give her that. Honestly, I’d like to punch her… about a million times.
OK. First, I spent 30 years teaching high school English and never let loose one slip of my tongue. At home, it was another story. You can’t count the number of times I had to say to my children, “Now, don’t repeat what I said. Those are at-home (or in-car) words.” Now I find myself saying this same thing to my grandchildren. Poor things.
But here goes. My at-home and in-car words:
Doctors like that can suck #@^*. Maybe they do and that’s why their words are so #$@*-ed up. Their mouths aren’t attached to their #$@*-ing brains. Or maybe their heads are so far up their asses that all that’s left are #$@*-ing shoes. But at least shoes can’t hurt you. I wish I could say that I don’t believe you. But I do… because I’ve seen and heard and been in the same room with these asswipes too many times. These doctors feel very comfortable playing God. They think and see and hear “hallelujah” in their #&#*-ed up heads all day long. And I’ll bet she was VERY calm… like she just found the cure for AIDS and cancer yesterday… and she just won the Nobel Peace Prize to boot. You know what I’d like to say to her? “YOU WANT ME TO #$@*-ING MOVE ON? OK. I WILL. YOU’RE NOT MY ENDOCRINOLOGIST ANYMORE.”
Of course, she would say, “I’m sorry you feel this way.. because I walk around with my head up my ass all day long, and nobody has EVER dared question this…”
Beth… you, and only you, wake up each morning with your thoughts, your pain, your grief, your happiness, your ways to cope with your sadness and your loss. You are finding your way each moment. Your body hasn’t even healed yet, never mind your soul…
For your endocrinologist… I can’t even say the words, “Maybe she meant well.” I can’t give her that. Honestly, I’d like to punch her… about a million times.
Hmmm….if you ever wonder what she wrote in her medical record notes don’t be afraid to request a copy of your file from the doctor’s office. I am SO SORRY she was so blunt and thoughtless and confident in her comments. Some bedside manner!!
Hmmm….if you ever wonder what she wrote in her medical record notes don’t be afraid to request a copy of your file from the doctor’s office. I am SO SORRY she was so blunt and thoughtless and confident in her comments. Some bedside manner!!
Hi Beth…
How dare someone (Drs. included) tell you where you should be in your grief. Loving a child is the most poweful emotion a Mother can have. It is not something you can just get over. One day at a time and we’ll all be here to support you!
I’ve been to your new weight loss website and your photography website. You amaze me!!
Hi Beth…
How dare someone (Drs. included) tell you where you should be in your grief. Loving a child is the most poweful emotion a Mother can have. It is not something you can just get over. One day at a time and we’ll all be here to support you!
I’ve been to your new weight loss website and your photography website. You amaze me!!
Really? You should be farther along in you grief? How does one even begin to judge how far along you should be?
My heart is aching for you. I just want to put my head in my hands and sob. Please don’t feel like you can’t talk about this any longer. She is going to say that b/c of a dream, you aren’t doing well. I can’t imagine how you must have felt hearing that from her. You trusted her, to tell her how this dream affected you and she wants to turn it into “more tests, more medicine and referrals to specialists.”
We all love you and I think you are doing a terrific job moving on in your grief. Look how far you have come, Beth!! Obviously I don’t live with you or near you, but anyone who can pick up and start a photography business, a website design business, etc is doing well in my books. You are living life. You inspire me so much and I just love you to pieces.
Really? You should be farther along in you grief? How does one even begin to judge how far along you should be?
My heart is aching for you. I just want to put my head in my hands and sob. Please don’t feel like you can’t talk about this any longer. She is going to say that b/c of a dream, you aren’t doing well. I can’t imagine how you must have felt hearing that from her. You trusted her, to tell her how this dream affected you and she wants to turn it into “more tests, more medicine and referrals to specialists.”
We all love you and I think you are doing a terrific job moving on in your grief. Look how far you have come, Beth!! Obviously I don’t live with you or near you, but anyone who can pick up and start a photography business, a website design business, etc is doing well in my books. You are living life. You inspire me so much and I just love you to pieces.
Thank you for sharing about this, sweet Beth. I know this incident has weighed heavy on your heart. I love that your readers’ words “trumped” that thoughtless doctor’s words. Thank God for the support and encouragement you have in your life. Can you imagine if she said that to someone who had NO one to talk, vent and cry to??? Thankfully you can put her words behind you because you know the truth. You know what’s right and what’s real for you…and for so many others who have been where you are.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving. You have SO much for which to be thankful. Good luck with the bird. I have never cooked a turkey either, so I would be of no help to you
Love you!
Thank you for sharing about this, sweet Beth. I know this incident has weighed heavy on your heart. I love that your readers’ words “trumped” that thoughtless doctor’s words. Thank God for the support and encouragement you have in your life. Can you imagine if she said that to someone who had NO one to talk, vent and cry to??? Thankfully you can put her words behind you because you know the truth. You know what’s right and what’s real for you…and for so many others who have been where you are.
I hope you have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving. You have SO much for which to be thankful. Good luck with the bird. I have never cooked a turkey either, so I would be of no help to you
Love you!
Screw the effin’ doctor. Love ya.
Screw the effin’ doctor. Love ya.
You will be ready when YOU are ready. Like you said, she doesn’t have kids so how could she possibly know? You do, and that’s the most important thing.
You will be ready when YOU are ready. Like you said, she doesn’t have kids so how could she possibly know? You do, and that’s the most important thing.
I just Love love love you babe (although you know I would prefer the “d” word)
you are freakin fabulous! We are all so very thankful for you! Keep on rockin on….the angels are in your corner….
I just Love love love you babe (although you know I would prefer the “d” word)
you are freakin fabulous! We are all so very thankful for you! Keep on rockin on….the angels are in your corner….
That is so inappropriate and ridiculous I could just puke. She has no freaking clue.
I’m so thankful that you were able to take those idiotic words and hold them up to the light of truth and KNOW that you know that you know that there is NO TIMELINE for grief – yours or anyone else’s. Don’t allow her the power to take ANYTHING from you – not one single step of this journey. She doesn’t deserve that kind of power.
Many thoughts and prayers for you as you walk through this first holiday season as a family minus two. You know there is so much love and so many prayers for comfort and peace being sent your way from every corner of the globe.
That is so inappropriate and ridiculous I could just puke. She has no freaking clue.
I’m so thankful that you were able to take those idiotic words and hold them up to the light of truth and KNOW that you know that you know that there is NO TIMELINE for grief – yours or anyone else’s. Don’t allow her the power to take ANYTHING from you – not one single step of this journey. She doesn’t deserve that kind of power.
Many thoughts and prayers for you as you walk through this first holiday season as a family minus two. You know there is so much love and so many prayers for comfort and peace being sent your way from every corner of the globe.
No one has the power or right to tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. That doctor should be slapped and slapped hard and often. I lost a baby almost 28 years ago and I still grieve for that baby. You are doing just fine and don’t let anyone make you think you aren’t.
No one has the power or right to tell you how to grieve or how long to grieve. That doctor should be slapped and slapped hard and often. I lost a baby almost 28 years ago and I still grieve for that baby. You are doing just fine and don’t let anyone make you think you aren’t.
I’m SO sorry she said that to you. It’s hard to believe actually. IMHO, she’s full of it. I could never tell someone there was a timeline for grief, doctor or not. Hope you are feeling better today Beth. Happy Thanksgiving.
Elaine
I’m SO sorry she said that to you. It’s hard to believe actually. IMHO, she’s full of it. I could never tell someone there was a timeline for grief, doctor or not. Hope you are feeling better today Beth. Happy Thanksgiving.
Elaine