One Year
ByLydia Grace left this world one year ago today. She’s the daughter of my good friend, Amy, who I have known since high school. Back then, all we had in common was our high school Spanish class, but now? Our lives are intertwined with love and life, grief and sadness. We could never have imagined (or wished for) a deeper bond.
When Amy was twenty weeks pregnant she went in for a routine ultrasound, she entered the room filled with excitement at the idea of finding out if her second child was going to be a boy or a girl, she left with the knowledge that her child had Anencephaly and would not survive.
She and her husband needed to decided whether to terminate the pregnancy or carry Lydia for as long as she possibly could. After many tears and countless prayers, they decided to carry their beautiful miracle for as long as possible.
When Amy was close to thirty weeks pregnant, I was able to spend the day with her. I am still in awe and will be forever, of her grace, her poise, her strength, her faith.
It has been one year today since Lydia Grace took her first…and last breath. I asked Amy to guest post today about her beautiful daughter. Grab a kleenex…and please, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, your words of support, whatever you want with Amy in the comment section.
Thank you, Amy.
——————————-
Remembering You.
One Year Ago….
I was in a Labor and Delivery room awaiting your arrival. I was advised to get rest and tried to sleep, but my nerves were too great. I listened to songs like Amazing Grace and Somewhere Over the Rainbow and prayed for God to help me through the physical and emotional pain. I prayed for our time together, that it would be everything we needed it to be. I thought about Job who stayed loyal to God after losing everything he had—his wealth, his children and his health. He persevered through suffering and here I was trying to do the same. I held your daddy’s hand. We sat in the dark, yet the room was softly illuminated by the white lights of your Christmas tree.
Twenty six hours after I arrived at the hospital, I was actually able to doze a bit. I awoke after what felt like 10 minutes and I felt your head, right.there. I woke up daddy and called for help. Then, everything happened so fast. I was crying and shaking when the nurses and doctor encouraged me to push. I think I screamed that I wasn’t ready. I was so scared because I knew that finally saying hello to you also meant goodbye. And then…you were no longer inside of me. You were out of that safe place that carried you for 34 weeks. You were placed in my arms and I was stunned to see you. You didn’t make a sound. Daddy and I did though—we wept. You didn’t move either, but your little heart beat for 28 glorious minutes. What a bittersweet day, that of your birth and death. I remember it so vividly and I hope I always do. I was given a few hours to bathe, dress and cuddle you. To focus on your beauty—your hands, long fingers, big feet and precious lips. I kept you close. There was no reason for you to be anywhere else. I did all I could with you in our earthly time together and I am forever grateful to God for the special moments He gave us.
Today…
I look at the pictures and watch the video of you often, typically after everyone else is in bed. Your brother, Alex, likes to watch it, too. He’ll ask me if I’m sad and hug me tight. Sometimes he asks when you’re coming back from Heaven. When asked what he’s thankful for, Alex always says his baby sister. And he means it.
For the most part, I feel like I’ve been pretty numb this past year. But as December 3rd has been fast approaching, I’ve gotten more emotional. Thoughts and memories of you flood me. The Christmas decorations, music and holiday spirit put you on my heart. Will I feel this nostalgia and longing every Christmas?
I wasn’t planning on it, but I lost it in church on Sunday. We had placed some pink and white flowers on the altar in memory of you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you the entire service, which was about Hope. Then, at the very end, during the last song, Mighty to Save, I was blind-sided by a baptism of a beautiful six month old baby girl. I found myself watching, crying, feeling, wishing…for what might have been. What a special and amazing ritual a baptism represents and I’m ashamed to admit I was envious that I was not the one holding my baby at the front of the church. The more I reflect on it though, I am confident that you know Him, you are with Him, you are happy and whole because of Him and I find comfort in that. I don’t have the jealous feelings and “why me” mentality on a daily basis, thankfully. I rarely think, “Oh, Lydia should be with us here right now” or that you’re missing from a family picture. Because I know you were only ours to keep for a short while. Instead, I sometimes think about how we will be reunited in Heaven. I know your body will be healed and perfect but, when that day arrives, will you still be an infant or grown into a young woman? I don’t know how that works, but I have no doubt I will know you.
Thanks to you, I truly know the meaning of unconditional love. God gave me grace when he gave me you, Lydia Grace. You were..you are…the greatest unmerited favor I could ever imagine. I didn’t deserve you and all you taught me, but God gave you to me anyway. Why? I suppose I’ll know when I’m finally with you again. Until then, I’m just incredibly humbled and grateful to Him for loaning you to me. For choosing me to be your mother. I am blessed.
I hope I always think of today, December 3rd, not as the day I lost you, but as the day of your birth. I want to celebrate you. Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You’ll always be my daughter. I love you so much.
Beth, thank you for letting Amy share and for being there for her.
Amy, I’m so proud of you. This took an astonishing amount of strength. I love you.
Lydia, I miss you. I love you.
Beth, thank you for letting Amy share and for being there for her.
Amy, I’m so proud of you. This took an astonishing amount of strength. I love you.
Lydia, I miss you. I love you.
How beautiful. You are a strong and amazing woman.
How beautiful. You are a strong and amazing woman.
Oh, dear, this is such a beautiful post. Amy, you are truly an amazing mother and I am so sorry for the loss of your Lydia Grace. Thank you for sharing, and Beth thank you for letting her here.
Jen
Oh, dear, this is such a beautiful post. Amy, you are truly an amazing mother and I am so sorry for the loss of your Lydia Grace. Thank you for sharing, and Beth thank you for letting her here.
Jen
What a touching tribute to your beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing with us on this most special day. You are amazing Amy simply amazing.
What a touching tribute to your beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing with us on this most special day. You are amazing Amy simply amazing.
Amy, what a beautiful and moving tribute to your daughter. Thank you – both Amy and Beth.
Amy, what a beautiful and moving tribute to your daughter. Thank you – both Amy and Beth.
Amy, Thanks so much for sharing. My heart goes out to you today and every day. Happy Birthday Miss Lydia Grace!
Amy, Thanks so much for sharing. My heart goes out to you today and every day. Happy Birthday Miss Lydia Grace!
A beautiful post. thanks for sharing.
A beautiful post. thanks for sharing.
What a beautiful post. Your words have me crying… not just in empathy for your pain… but in true admiration. A mother’s love is truly a gift from God. I am glad you were given the gift of little Lydia (if for just a moment…) and I am in awe of your grace and love. You are an amazing mother.
What a beautiful post. Your words have me crying… not just in empathy for your pain… but in true admiration. A mother’s love is truly a gift from God. I am glad you were given the gift of little Lydia (if for just a moment…) and I am in awe of your grace and love. You are an amazing mother.
I have chills. And tears. And I really don’t know what to say. In church Sunday the last song we sang was Mighty to Save, too! Lydia Grace sounds like such an amazing person- no matter how long she lived on this earth you got to carry her and be her mother. How amazing and wonderful! You are so blessed. I am thinking of your sweet heart today. Amy, thank you so much for sharing this.
Love,
Stephanie
I have chills. And tears. And I really don’t know what to say. In church Sunday the last song we sang was Mighty to Save, too! Lydia Grace sounds like such an amazing person- no matter how long she lived on this earth you got to carry her and be her mother. How amazing and wonderful! You are so blessed. I am thinking of your sweet heart today. Amy, thank you so much for sharing this.
Love,
Stephanie
Thank you so much for sharing! So beautiful and emotion-filled…
Thank you so much for sharing! So beautiful and emotion-filled…
Thank you so much for sharing, I can’t even imagine how hard this is.
Thank you so much for sharing, I can’t even imagine how hard this is.
Dear Amy,
Happy Birthday to your magnificent little miracle, Lydia Grace. I don’t think it is possible that any child could possibly teach us more about love, faith, hope and grace than your Lydia. If we think of the scope of these virtues, how could she teach so much in such a short time? It’s because Lydia has always been here, and she always will be here. She is that powerful. She is chosen. Just as you are chosen to be her Mommy…
To think that so many multitudes of people have been blessed to know sweet Lydia through your words and prayers and grief… Lydia’s greatness has just begun as she celebrates her 1st birthday with God and His angels. I will be listening for the bells as they ring in her glory in tonight’s sky…
Dear Amy,
Happy Birthday to your magnificent little miracle, Lydia Grace. I don’t think it is possible that any child could possibly teach us more about love, faith, hope and grace than your Lydia. If we think of the scope of these virtues, how could she teach so much in such a short time? It’s because Lydia has always been here, and she always will be here. She is that powerful. She is chosen. Just as you are chosen to be her Mommy…
To think that so many multitudes of people have been blessed to know sweet Lydia through your words and prayers and grief… Lydia’s greatness has just begun as she celebrates her 1st birthday with God and His angels. I will be listening for the bells as they ring in her glory in tonight’s sky…
Amy…
Thank you for sharing your story. What a beautiful and moving tribute to your daughter. I share your faith that one day you will be reunited. And what a day that will be!!
Also, thank you for helping me be a better Mom. In the craziness of everyday life I forget that my children are precious gifts that should be cherished.
Thanks Beth for sharing Amy with us!!
Love…Chris
Amy…
Thank you for sharing your story. What a beautiful and moving tribute to your daughter. I share your faith that one day you will be reunited. And what a day that will be!!
Also, thank you for helping me be a better Mom. In the craziness of everyday life I forget that my children are precious gifts that should be cherished.
Thanks Beth for sharing Amy with us!!
Love…Chris
Happy Birthday to your sweet Angel. My angel baby’s birthday is December 15. Unlike yours, mine lived for 8 glorious months. She has been gone for 5 years, but I still grieve at Christmas time. It is normal — whatever you are feeling is normal.
Continue to be gentle with yourself Mama. God will give you comfort when you need it most. Your sweet baby girl will be waiting for you when you reach the other side.
Happy birthday sweet girl — give your Mama some extra love today. Let her feel you in her heart, that she might have peace this day.
Happy Birthday to your sweet Angel. My angel baby’s birthday is December 15. Unlike yours, mine lived for 8 glorious months. She has been gone for 5 years, but I still grieve at Christmas time. It is normal — whatever you are feeling is normal.
Continue to be gentle with yourself Mama. God will give you comfort when you need it most. Your sweet baby girl will be waiting for you when you reach the other side.
Happy birthday sweet girl — give your Mama some extra love today. Let her feel you in her heart, that she might have peace this day.
My favorite line in Mighty to Save is “Savior, He can move the mountains…”
And I know that if He can move the mountains, He can continue to heal our hearts when they hurt so much.
Blessings to you and yours this Christmas.
My favorite line in Mighty to Save is “Savior, He can move the mountains…”
And I know that if He can move the mountains, He can continue to heal our hearts when they hurt so much.
Blessings to you and yours this Christmas.
Amy,
You have shared such a beautiful story of your precious Lydia Grace and we all thank you so very much. I hope and wish for a peaceful Christmas for you and your family.
Amy,
You have shared such a beautiful story of your precious Lydia Grace and we all thank you so very much. I hope and wish for a peaceful Christmas for you and your family.
Your words speak to my heart.
The holidays alway make me think of my daugher Belle with a longing of seeing her agian.
I wish you peace this holiday season.
Your words speak to my heart.
The holidays alway make me think of my daugher Belle with a longing of seeing her agian.
I wish you peace this holiday season.
Oh Amy! What a beautiful tribute to your daughter. How strong and brave you are to share Lydia’s story with us. I have no doubt you will see her again.
I hope you and your family have a blessed holiday season.
Oh Amy! What a beautiful tribute to your daughter. How strong and brave you are to share Lydia’s story with us. I have no doubt you will see her again.
I hope you and your family have a blessed holiday season.
Thank you both so much.
Thank you both so much.
Wow. A beautiful tribute reflecting your beautiful heart.
Thank you for sharing.
Laurie
Wow. A beautiful tribute reflecting your beautiful heart.
Thank you for sharing.
Laurie
what an absolutely touching,heartbreaking, beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us… Thank you Amy for your words and your strength….what an inspiration! A good reminder of how precious life is…. God loves you and your little daughter so very much….
Blessings,
Barb
what an absolutely touching,heartbreaking, beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us… Thank you Amy for your words and your strength….what an inspiration! A good reminder of how precious life is…. God loves you and your little daughter so very much….
Blessings,
Barb
Wow Amy, that is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow Amy, that is beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing.
What a beautiful story about the short sweet life of your daughter. Thank you Amy for sharing with us.
What a beautiful story about the short sweet life of your daughter. Thank you Amy for sharing with us.
Amy, I am weeping after reading your amazing letter to your daughter. Your faith is inspiring. The love you have for Lydia Grace is apparent by your powerful words. I , too, lost a beautiful daughter, Adeline, after a brief 20 hours here on earth. I have visions of my Adeline and your Lydia holding hands sitting together on our Heavenly Father’s lap in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Please know Lydia will never be forgotten. You and your family are being lifted up in prayer today.
Amy, I am weeping after reading your amazing letter to your daughter. Your faith is inspiring. The love you have for Lydia Grace is apparent by your powerful words. I , too, lost a beautiful daughter, Adeline, after a brief 20 hours here on earth. I have visions of my Adeline and your Lydia holding hands sitting together on our Heavenly Father’s lap in heaven. Thank you for sharing your story. Please know Lydia will never be forgotten. You and your family are being lifted up in prayer today.
Amy,
What beautiful words and thoughts of your sweet baby. I will say a prayer that your deep faith will continue to carry you through your grief. Thank you for sharing with us.
Amy,
What beautiful words and thoughts of your sweet baby. I will say a prayer that your deep faith will continue to carry you through your grief. Thank you for sharing with us.