One Year
ByLydia Grace left this world one year ago today. She’s the daughter of my good friend, Amy, who I have known since high school. Back then, all we had in common was our high school Spanish class, but now? Our lives are intertwined with love and life, grief and sadness. We could never have imagined (or wished for) a deeper bond.
When Amy was twenty weeks pregnant she went in for a routine ultrasound, she entered the room filled with excitement at the idea of finding out if her second child was going to be a boy or a girl, she left with the knowledge that her child had Anencephaly and would not survive.
She and her husband needed to decided whether to terminate the pregnancy or carry Lydia for as long as she possibly could. After many tears and countless prayers, they decided to carry their beautiful miracle for as long as possible.
When Amy was close to thirty weeks pregnant, I was able to spend the day with her. I am still in awe and will be forever, of her grace, her poise, her strength, her faith.
It has been one year today since Lydia Grace took her first…and last breath. I asked Amy to guest post today about her beautiful daughter. Grab a kleenex…and please, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, your words of support, whatever you want with Amy in the comment section.
Thank you, Amy.
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Remembering You.
One Year Ago….
I was in a Labor and Delivery room awaiting your arrival. I was advised to get rest and tried to sleep, but my nerves were too great. I listened to songs like Amazing Grace and Somewhere Over the Rainbow and prayed for God to help me through the physical and emotional pain. I prayed for our time together, that it would be everything we needed it to be. I thought about Job who stayed loyal to God after losing everything he had—his wealth, his children and his health. He persevered through suffering and here I was trying to do the same. I held your daddy’s hand. We sat in the dark, yet the room was softly illuminated by the white lights of your Christmas tree.
Twenty six hours after I arrived at the hospital, I was actually able to doze a bit. I awoke after what felt like 10 minutes and I felt your head, right.there. I woke up daddy and called for help. Then, everything happened so fast. I was crying and shaking when the nurses and doctor encouraged me to push. I think I screamed that I wasn’t ready. I was so scared because I knew that finally saying hello to you also meant goodbye. And then…you were no longer inside of me. You were out of that safe place that carried you for 34 weeks. You were placed in my arms and I was stunned to see you. You didn’t make a sound. Daddy and I did though—we wept. You didn’t move either, but your little heart beat for 28 glorious minutes. What a bittersweet day, that of your birth and death. I remember it so vividly and I hope I always do. I was given a few hours to bathe, dress and cuddle you. To focus on your beauty—your hands, long fingers, big feet and precious lips. I kept you close. There was no reason for you to be anywhere else. I did all I could with you in our earthly time together and I am forever grateful to God for the special moments He gave us.
Today…
I look at the pictures and watch the video of you often, typically after everyone else is in bed. Your brother, Alex, likes to watch it, too. He’ll ask me if I’m sad and hug me tight. Sometimes he asks when you’re coming back from Heaven. When asked what he’s thankful for, Alex always says his baby sister. And he means it.
For the most part, I feel like I’ve been pretty numb this past year. But as December 3rd has been fast approaching, I’ve gotten more emotional. Thoughts and memories of you flood me. The Christmas decorations, music and holiday spirit put you on my heart. Will I feel this nostalgia and longing every Christmas?
I wasn’t planning on it, but I lost it in church on Sunday. We had placed some pink and white flowers on the altar in memory of you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you the entire service, which was about Hope. Then, at the very end, during the last song, Mighty to Save, I was blind-sided by a baptism of a beautiful six month old baby girl. I found myself watching, crying, feeling, wishing…for what might have been. What a special and amazing ritual a baptism represents and I’m ashamed to admit I was envious that I was not the one holding my baby at the front of the church. The more I reflect on it though, I am confident that you know Him, you are with Him, you are happy and whole because of Him and I find comfort in that. I don’t have the jealous feelings and “why me” mentality on a daily basis, thankfully. I rarely think, “Oh, Lydia should be with us here right now” or that you’re missing from a family picture. Because I know you were only ours to keep for a short while. Instead, I sometimes think about how we will be reunited in Heaven. I know your body will be healed and perfect but, when that day arrives, will you still be an infant or grown into a young woman? I don’t know how that works, but I have no doubt I will know you.
Thanks to you, I truly know the meaning of unconditional love. God gave me grace when he gave me you, Lydia Grace. You were..you are…the greatest unmerited favor I could ever imagine. I didn’t deserve you and all you taught me, but God gave you to me anyway. Why? I suppose I’ll know when I’m finally with you again. Until then, I’m just incredibly humbled and grateful to Him for loaning you to me. For choosing me to be your mother. I am blessed.
I hope I always think of today, December 3rd, not as the day I lost you, but as the day of your birth. I want to celebrate you. Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You’ll always be my daughter. I love you so much.
Thank you, Amy, for allowing us to celebrate your daughter’s birthday with you today. I can’t think of how to put into words how moving your story is. So just – thank you.
Thank you, Amy, for allowing us to celebrate your daughter’s birthday with you today. I can’t think of how to put into words how moving your story is. So just – thank you.
Thank you to everyone for your comments and sweet words of comfort and gratitude. It’s crazy to me that you express gratitude to me for sharing Lydia with you when I feel the same about you for reading…and letting her into your hearts. It just means the world to me. I had an amazing day, by the way. Definite moments of tears, but lots of smiles and good memories, too! God Bless you all
Thank you to everyone for your comments and sweet words of comfort and gratitude. It’s crazy to me that you express gratitude to me for sharing Lydia with you when I feel the same about you for reading…and letting her into your hearts. It just means the world to me. I had an amazing day, by the way. Definite moments of tears, but lots of smiles and good memories, too! God Bless you all
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.
What a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.
Oh dear Amy – your words are so touching. Your strength is so inspiring, I pray for you to get though today with love and joy in your heart as you reflect on what a wonderful gift Lydia is, was and always will be. Thank you for sharing her story and being a friend and comfort to Beth and all the other peoples lives you have touched.
Oh dear Amy – your words are so touching. Your strength is so inspiring, I pray for you to get though today with love and joy in your heart as you reflect on what a wonderful gift Lydia is, was and always will be. Thank you for sharing her story and being a friend and comfort to Beth and all the other peoples lives you have touched.
Amy, thank you for sharing the story of your daughter with us. Your words prove what a strong woman you are. I am so sorry for your loss and grief and I hope with more time the pain will be less painful.
Amy, thank you for sharing the story of your daughter with us. Your words prove what a strong woman you are. I am so sorry for your loss and grief and I hope with more time the pain will be less painful.
I cannot imagine the strength it takes to endure such a thing, then to have the courage to share. Thank you for the reminder of how precious life can be.
I cannot imagine the strength it takes to endure such a thing, then to have the courage to share. Thank you for the reminder of how precious life can be.
Thank you for sharing. Your dignity and grace are humbling. God’s peace and blessings be with you.
Thank you for sharing. Your dignity and grace are humbling. God’s peace and blessings be with you.
You show such great strength for being able to write this. Thanks for sharing your story.
You show such great strength for being able to write this. Thanks for sharing your story.
That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a touching story. God’s blessings to you and your family!
That was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a touching story. God’s blessings to you and your family!
Amy,
What a beautiful tribute to your angel…Lydia Grace. I gave birth to an amazing little girl named Allison Jane on Feb. 3, 1998….and let go of her on May 12, 1998. I find my comfort in knowing that she is holding the hand of Jesus and no longer feels any pain. Allison had a hole in her heart and spent the last 3 weeks of her life hooked up to life support machines. I will never forget the day she passed…..she looked so beautiful. I, too, thank my Lord and Savior for the PRIVILEGE of being her mom. What a testament her little life has been for my family and myself. I have been blessed to become a mother twice before her death and twice since. Just yesterday I was explaining to my 2 sons (4yrs. and 2 yrs.) that they not only have 2 older sisters but that they have a 3rd sister who watches over them from Heaven. I can hardly hold all of the love in my heart when they refer to her. Lydia Grace should always, always be a part of your daily life. What a precious gift to have these blogs and to find people who can be there for each other. This is what it’s all about….loving each other!!!
My prayers are with you and your family….your son seems like an amazing boy. These things that we go through….good or bad….are what shapes the people that we become!!! I am grateful for all of it!!!
God’s Blessings Amy!!!!
Amy,
What a beautiful tribute to your angel…Lydia Grace. I gave birth to an amazing little girl named Allison Jane on Feb. 3, 1998….and let go of her on May 12, 1998. I find my comfort in knowing that she is holding the hand of Jesus and no longer feels any pain. Allison had a hole in her heart and spent the last 3 weeks of her life hooked up to life support machines. I will never forget the day she passed…..she looked so beautiful. I, too, thank my Lord and Savior for the PRIVILEGE of being her mom. What a testament her little life has been for my family and myself. I have been blessed to become a mother twice before her death and twice since. Just yesterday I was explaining to my 2 sons (4yrs. and 2 yrs.) that they not only have 2 older sisters but that they have a 3rd sister who watches over them from Heaven. I can hardly hold all of the love in my heart when they refer to her. Lydia Grace should always, always be a part of your daily life. What a precious gift to have these blogs and to find people who can be there for each other. This is what it’s all about….loving each other!!!
My prayers are with you and your family….your son seems like an amazing boy. These things that we go through….good or bad….are what shapes the people that we become!!! I am grateful for all of it!!!
God’s Blessings Amy!!!!
Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing Lydia’s story with us. I will keep her in my heart and your family in my thoughts this holiday season.
Amy,
Thank you so much for sharing Lydia’s story with us. I will keep her in my heart and your family in my thoughts this holiday season.
Thank you, Amy, for sharing your family’s story with us. You have more courage and strength than I could ever hope for. I’m happy to hear that your day wasn’t filled with tears, but the happy memories of your sweet baby. Keep those special moments and memories close to your heart.
Thank you, Amy, for sharing your family’s story with us. You have more courage and strength than I could ever hope for. I’m happy to hear that your day wasn’t filled with tears, but the happy memories of your sweet baby. Keep those special moments and memories close to your heart.
My heart is with you Amy. Your love to Lydia Grace and your son is so powerful and so very beautiful. We all can learn and grow from your experience, and we thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are an inspiration. Love and prayers are with you…
My heart is with you Amy. Your love to Lydia Grace and your son is so powerful and so very beautiful. We all can learn and grow from your experience, and we thank you for sharing your heart with us. You are an inspiration. Love and prayers are with you…
Amy, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reminding me of how precious each day is. And helping me in my own grief around the holidays.
Amy, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for reminding me of how precious each day is. And helping me in my own grief around the holidays.
This was simply beautiful. Thank you Amy…
This was simply beautiful. Thank you Amy…
Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing your story. I’m glad that Beth has such an amazing friend to walk this path with her. May God continue to give you peace and strength.
Thank you for opening up your heart and sharing your story. I’m glad that Beth has such an amazing friend to walk this path with her. May God continue to give you peace and strength.
Oh, Amy, that was simply beautiful. What a wonderful way to celebrate the birth and life of that beautiful little girl. It was perfectly written and a wonderful tribute to the lovely Lydia. I continue to pray for your strength. Thank you, Beth, for using your blog as the platform for this letter. ((hugs))
Oh, Amy, that was simply beautiful. What a wonderful way to celebrate the birth and life of that beautiful little girl. It was perfectly written and a wonderful tribute to the lovely Lydia. I continue to pray for your strength. Thank you, Beth, for using your blog as the platform for this letter. ((hugs))
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening your heart to us. Just beautiful.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for opening your heart to us. Just beautiful.