Minutes after finding out that James and Jake had died, I feared losing another pregnancy. I grew up with five brothers and sisters and beside the occasional (everyday) brawl, it was a wonderful experience.
To this day we still get together and laugh and cry and reminisce about the wonderful life and childhood that we had. Despite the occasional (everyday) brawl.
My point is? I want more children.
I know having a pregnancy loss is annoyingly common. My Mother suffered multiple losses of her own, as did my grandmother and most recently, my oldest sister.
Logically, I understand that most early miscarriages are simply because the pieces of the puzzle just did not fit together. It makes total sense. The entire process is so incredibly intricate, how could it not go wrong some of the time? The night I was admitted to the hospital, I can remember talking to Brian and my parents about how amazing it is that Ariel and Racecar are here with us in their most perfect forms.
I still can’t over it.
Honestly, I get annoyed that people don’t know how amazing it is that they can have multiple children and not have any idea how fortunate they are to have carried and birthed without complications. It annoys me, but I also envy that a little bit.
I know there are many people out there that are aware of their gifts or their “luck,” but not everyone is.
Awhile ago, I sat in the waiting room at my OB’s office, only briefly enough to see the ultrasound tech walk up to a very, very young patient. (maybe sixteen years old.) The tech informed the patient that she was incorrectly scheduled for an ultrasound, that she would need to schedule it three weeks later when they could better take measurements of the babies body parts, this it was simply too early to get the best view.
This girl looked up at this tech and started to cry. Why? Because she had to wait three weeks to find out the sex of the baby. Not wait three weeks to make sure everything was okay.
The bitter (and probably jealous) person inside of me wanted to yell at her “have you know idea how lucky you are? In the grand scheme of things you’ll never even remember this teeny tiny little wait.”
I realized then how wrong that was of me to think this way. I did understand her disappointment, but I was still frustrated at what I was seeing.
I guess that’s one of the reasons why I chose to write so candidly about losing James and Jake. I wanted people to understand and I wanted people who have experienced a loss similar to mine to know they are not alone.
Also? There are woman who at the time of my loss had not experienced a loss but have since then and have come to me seeking advice and comfort.
One year ago, I thought my blog would be a great place to share my life with identical twin boys and two kids who were born less than a year apart. I never dreamed my blog would actually turn into a blog that is sometimes described as helpful, inspiring, resourceful and sometimes too difficult to read. {ouch.}
I’ve stated before that I’m not okay with losing James and Jake. I’m not okay with the fear I have when thinking about future pregnancies.
But I am okay with being something bigger than I was a year ago today. I am okay with the fact that I know how sacred each breath we take is, I’m okay with sharing with all of you my hopes and fears and my shortcomings because I know that not everybody is perfect.
Not you. Not me. Not science.
I am fearful, but I guess all we can do is HOPE for the best and let life head in the direction that it’s supposed to, no matter how incredibly difficult that actually is. Any tips on how to do this?
perfectly said.. I couldn’t find the answers myself.. but in the end even after the losses we were blessed with 4 rambunctious, beautiful girls. Just follow your heart, you’re doing a damn good job!
perfectly said.. I couldn’t find the answers myself.. but in the end even after the losses we were blessed with 4 rambunctious, beautiful girls. Just follow your heart, you’re doing a damn good job!
This is such an honest post. It has been 4+ years since my 2nd miscarriage. It was heart-wrenching at the time. I thank you for sharing your journey with us, because time does heal, and sometimes I forget how precious these little people in my life are. I don’t want to completely forget that lesson. I’m sorry you have had to grow as you have in the last year, but am grateful to have found you out here in the bloggy world.
This is such an honest post. It has been 4+ years since my 2nd miscarriage. It was heart-wrenching at the time. I thank you for sharing your journey with us, because time does heal, and sometimes I forget how precious these little people in my life are. I don’t want to completely forget that lesson. I’m sorry you have had to grow as you have in the last year, but am grateful to have found you out here in the bloggy world.
Last year at this time I lived in daily fear of losing Baby Sister. I was pregnant for the first time and had already had two emergency room trips due to bleeding. It was scary and sad and I cried a lot. Each time she was fine. But I still worried. Then right at the end I had a day that she did not seem to be moving. I ran to my midwife scared to death that she was gone. I mean this was a few days before I was due. Obviously, she was fine. So, while I do not know what it feels like to have actually lost a baby . I think I got a glimpse. And I want to say that I am here for you. I am sorry for your loss and my only advice on how to hope for the best is to just keep hoping. Hope is powerful.
Last year at this time I lived in daily fear of losing Baby Sister. I was pregnant for the first time and had already had two emergency room trips due to bleeding. It was scary and sad and I cried a lot. Each time she was fine. But I still worried. Then right at the end I had a day that she did not seem to be moving. I ran to my midwife scared to death that she was gone. I mean this was a few days before I was due. Obviously, she was fine. So, while I do not know what it feels like to have actually lost a baby . I think I got a glimpse. And I want to say that I am here for you. I am sorry for your loss and my only advice on how to hope for the best is to just keep hoping. Hope is powerful.
I have no answers…I am sorry. But I will be thinking and praying for you, like I always have.
I have no answers…I am sorry. But I will be thinking and praying for you, like I always have.
I have no answers. I lost my first baby and the fear of losing another child has a grip on me (sometimes more than I like to admit). But we will try again as I gave birth to my second baby 18 months ago and always wanted a big family! I will be praying for you!
I have no answers. I lost my first baby and the fear of losing another child has a grip on me (sometimes more than I like to admit). But we will try again as I gave birth to my second baby 18 months ago and always wanted a big family! I will be praying for you!
In this past year you have inspired so many people to re-think the way they look at life. Myself included. Through your pain, your honesty, your amazing beauty and writing you have touched so many people. Not just people who have suffered losses. Beth,you have taught people to be thankful for what is in fron of them and to appreciate every breath that life affords them.
You don’t realize this, but I truly believe that people see you as HOPE. As a friend, as a reader, as a woman I can’t tell you how to shake your fears but I do know you have awesome people around you to help you.
Beth, we love you.
All my love,
CE
In this past year you have inspired so many people to re-think the way they look at life. Myself included. Through your pain, your honesty, your amazing beauty and writing you have touched so many people. Not just people who have suffered losses. Beth,you have taught people to be thankful for what is in fron of them and to appreciate every breath that life affords them.
You don’t realize this, but I truly believe that people see you as HOPE. As a friend, as a reader, as a woman I can’t tell you how to shake your fears but I do know you have awesome people around you to help you.
Beth, we love you.
All my love,
CE
Sometimes hope is all you have. A relative of mine, had a stillbirth of a beautiful baby boy, full term…he would be 5 this summer. It was awful, and I still morn for him, for them. They have since had a little girl who just turned 3 and I can remember, when Jack Jack was a new born and the relative was 3 months preg. with her little girl, she held JJ and told me “This is the first time, I have been able to be hopeful.” I still cry, thinking about it. And for her whole pregnancy, we were scared with her, and hopeful and prayerful, that she would have a happy ending this time. And there are no guarantees, just hope.
Sometimes hope is all you have. A relative of mine, had a stillbirth of a beautiful baby boy, full term…he would be 5 this summer. It was awful, and I still morn for him, for them. They have since had a little girl who just turned 3 and I can remember, when Jack Jack was a new born and the relative was 3 months preg. with her little girl, she held JJ and told me “This is the first time, I have been able to be hopeful.” I still cry, thinking about it. And for her whole pregnancy, we were scared with her, and hopeful and prayerful, that she would have a happy ending this time. And there are no guarantees, just hope.
beautifully said.
the fear is so real, even when we wish we could be brave and rise above it. it grips your heart and is discouraging.
we love you and your honesty has been a blessing to many.
beautifully said.
the fear is so real, even when we wish we could be brave and rise above it. it grips your heart and is discouraging.
we love you and your honesty has been a blessing to many.
Pregnancy is not an easy journey for so many of us. My daughter turned one yesterday and I have started to field so many questions about when we are going to have another one. If only it were that easy… I oftne find myself mad at or jealous of women who take pregnancy for granted. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not their fault. It’s not anyone’s fault…
Pregnancy is not an easy journey for so many of us. My daughter turned one yesterday and I have started to field so many questions about when we are going to have another one. If only it were that easy… I oftne find myself mad at or jealous of women who take pregnancy for granted. Thank you for reminding me that it’s not their fault. It’s not anyone’s fault…
I’m so glad you posted today. I don’t have any words, but I am so glad there is always Hope.
Steph
I’m so glad you posted today. I don’t have any words, but I am so glad there is always Hope.
Steph
what is life without hope?
here are things I repeat to myself sometimes(daily, minute by minute)
Let go and Let God
and the Serenity Prayer.
I am sure that it is not easy to lose as much as you did, you are a strong woman.
what is life without hope?
here are things I repeat to myself sometimes(daily, minute by minute)
Let go and Let God
and the Serenity Prayer.
I am sure that it is not easy to lose as much as you did, you are a strong woman.
I think the title of your post says it all. You have to have hope and faith that everything will be fine the next time. After I lost my baby at 13 weeks, I also knew I wanted more children, but I was so scared. I was blessed to have twins the next time. Many people said that God was replacing the one I lost by giving me twins this time. I don’t believe that for a minute. You can never replace the child you lost. But, I went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy and another one after that. I have four beautiful daughters. I still think of the baby I lost often, even 28 years later. You’ll be able to do it too, Beth. with faith, hope and all the love that is out there for you.
I think the title of your post says it all. You have to have hope and faith that everything will be fine the next time. After I lost my baby at 13 weeks, I also knew I wanted more children, but I was so scared. I was blessed to have twins the next time. Many people said that God was replacing the one I lost by giving me twins this time. I don’t believe that for a minute. You can never replace the child you lost. But, I went on to have a perfectly normal pregnancy and another one after that. I have four beautiful daughters. I still think of the baby I lost often, even 28 years later. You’ll be able to do it too, Beth. with faith, hope and all the love that is out there for you.
I think the title of your post says it all. With out hope we truly have nothing. I think that when you go through bad times, you need to find the tiny bit of good that came from it and hold onto it.
Hugs to you.
I think the title of your post says it all. With out hope we truly have nothing. I think that when you go through bad times, you need to find the tiny bit of good that came from it and hold onto it.
Hugs to you.
Beth, you ARE doing it. You have come so far in the last year. Every day the pain gets a little less raw and you gain a little more hope. There is no magic button. Loving your kids fiercely is the best therapy in the world.
Beth, you ARE doing it. You have come so far in the last year. Every day the pain gets a little less raw and you gain a little more hope. There is no magic button. Loving your kids fiercely is the best therapy in the world.
I understand. I’ve lost 4 angels. My son came to us via in-vitro. While in my dr.’s office, I witnessed a woman and her mother and sister (or whoever) walk of and complain that they had been asked to stay longer for a special ultrasound. Apparently the baby was smaller than it should have been and needed to be looked at more closely. She then had the audacity to say “Well, I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette while I wait.” This moment will forever be filed under “Things I will never understand.”
I understand. I’ve lost 4 angels. My son came to us via in-vitro. While in my dr.’s office, I witnessed a woman and her mother and sister (or whoever) walk of and complain that they had been asked to stay longer for a special ultrasound. Apparently the baby was smaller than it should have been and needed to be looked at more closely. She then had the audacity to say “Well, I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette while I wait.” This moment will forever be filed under “Things I will never understand.”
Oh sweetie, I wish I had the answers. All I know is that in the last 5 1/2 years (has it really been that long?!?!) I have had to just take it one day at a time. All of us who have lost children realize at some point that we do what we have to do to get through the minute/hour/day/week…whatever. That never goes away.
At some point you will realize that the time is right for you to have another baby. You will have another baby and, while that child will not replace James and Jake, your heart will heal. There will always be a spot in your heart, an empty place that only those two can fill. But, you will find more love.
I pray for you and your continued healing sweet friend.
Oh sweetie, I wish I had the answers. All I know is that in the last 5 1/2 years (has it really been that long?!?!) I have had to just take it one day at a time. All of us who have lost children realize at some point that we do what we have to do to get through the minute/hour/day/week…whatever. That never goes away.
At some point you will realize that the time is right for you to have another baby. You will have another baby and, while that child will not replace James and Jake, your heart will heal. There will always be a spot in your heart, an empty place that only those two can fill. But, you will find more love.
I pray for you and your continued healing sweet friend.
I love you, Beth, and I’m so glad you have hope. You amaze me.
I love you, Beth, and I’m so glad you have hope. You amaze me.
Well said, Beth. What you wrote about that young girl made me think of something a friend of mine said once. When she was child, she had cancer and one day, in the midst of her treatments, her mother got a call from a friend. The friend was crying that her daughter had to go into the hospital to have her tonsils removed. She said that her Mom wanted to yell and say, “Why are you crying about a simple procedure when my daughter is going through chemotherapy?” but she felt a peace come over her and instead, she comforted her friend. She explained it this way, what the friend was going through may not have seemed as bad as what she was going through but it was the worst thing she (the friend) had gone through at that point so her perspective was different.
For the record, I really appreciate your honesty in writing about your pain.
Well said, Beth. What you wrote about that young girl made me think of something a friend of mine said once. When she was child, she had cancer and one day, in the midst of her treatments, her mother got a call from a friend. The friend was crying that her daughter had to go into the hospital to have her tonsils removed. She said that her Mom wanted to yell and say, “Why are you crying about a simple procedure when my daughter is going through chemotherapy?” but she felt a peace come over her and instead, she comforted her friend. She explained it this way, what the friend was going through may not have seemed as bad as what she was going through but it was the worst thing she (the friend) had gone through at that point so her perspective was different.
For the record, I really appreciate your honesty in writing about your pain.
Beth,
I have no answers. All I know for sure is that you get through it day by day because you HAVE to. There’s no other way. You put one foot in front of the next because it’s the only thing. You may not want to, may not like to but you HAVE to. There is no choice, no decision – it just is.
And eventually, one day, you wake up and you realize you made it!
What a sweet day.
Oh, sure, you still remember. You still have moments when it all seems too unreal, that you couldn’t really have made it this far, all in one piece, but there you are nonetheless.
Thank you for sharing!
Beth,
I have no answers. All I know for sure is that you get through it day by day because you HAVE to. There’s no other way. You put one foot in front of the next because it’s the only thing. You may not want to, may not like to but you HAVE to. There is no choice, no decision – it just is.
And eventually, one day, you wake up and you realize you made it!
What a sweet day.
Oh, sure, you still remember. You still have moments when it all seems too unreal, that you couldn’t really have made it this far, all in one piece, but there you are nonetheless.
Thank you for sharing!
What a great post. I experienced a loss early on in my first pregnancy. I was scared to death that I would not be able to get pregnant again or carry to term. After two successful pregnancies, I’m so grateful that my children are happy and healthy. I can only imagine the heartache that you have been dealing with. My loss, as it was very sad and scary, was nothing close to what you have endured. I did not know the sex of my child and I had not even picked out a name. To go through what you have is just so sad to me. I think that pregnancy is just a miracle. How the pieces of the ‘puzzle’ get put together so perfectly to create this beautiful human being. I’m not at all happy that you have experienced this great loss. I am, however, happy that you are doing well and you are able to inspire others with your words. I’m so grateful that you are so honest in your blog about your experiences. Thanks for keeping me reading! I hope that you get to experience pregnancy again soon and this time have a happy ending. You do make cute babies!!
Hugs and prayers to you!!
What a great post. I experienced a loss early on in my first pregnancy. I was scared to death that I would not be able to get pregnant again or carry to term. After two successful pregnancies, I’m so grateful that my children are happy and healthy. I can only imagine the heartache that you have been dealing with. My loss, as it was very sad and scary, was nothing close to what you have endured. I did not know the sex of my child and I had not even picked out a name. To go through what you have is just so sad to me. I think that pregnancy is just a miracle. How the pieces of the ‘puzzle’ get put together so perfectly to create this beautiful human being. I’m not at all happy that you have experienced this great loss. I am, however, happy that you are doing well and you are able to inspire others with your words. I’m so grateful that you are so honest in your blog about your experiences. Thanks for keeping me reading! I hope that you get to experience pregnancy again soon and this time have a happy ending. You do make cute babies!!
Hugs and prayers to you!!
You know, you just have to have faith and hope really. After having 2 stillborns and 2 m/c, I’m pregnant again and I’m not gonna lie, scared shitless. (sorry for cussin’) I’m about to hit the time in my pregnancies when I lose my babies and yes I’m worried that I will have stillborn #3, but I also know that my two, Avery and Jackson, are always watching over me and the family. I’m totaly rambling! Basically when you get preggers after a loss you just deal, day by day. Somehow the weeks go by, the kicks become harder and more pronounced then the next thing you know you’re holding your screaming healthy baby in your arms.
I want to thank you for posting and writing honestly what you feel. There’s such a stigma around pregnancy loss and we need to end that. When you get pregnant again, James and Jake will be watching over making sure their baby brother or sister will be thriving and growing. Plus, you do make cute babies!
You know, you just have to have faith and hope really. After having 2 stillborns and 2 m/c, I’m pregnant again and I’m not gonna lie, scared shitless. (sorry for cussin’) I’m about to hit the time in my pregnancies when I lose my babies and yes I’m worried that I will have stillborn #3, but I also know that my two, Avery and Jackson, are always watching over me and the family. I’m totaly rambling! Basically when you get preggers after a loss you just deal, day by day. Somehow the weeks go by, the kicks become harder and more pronounced then the next thing you know you’re holding your screaming healthy baby in your arms.
I want to thank you for posting and writing honestly what you feel. There’s such a stigma around pregnancy loss and we need to end that. When you get pregnant again, James and Jake will be watching over making sure their baby brother or sister will be thriving and growing. Plus, you do make cute babies!
Oh, gosh, I know. I have three beautiful children and three losses and now, pregnant with my fourth and last, every day that things go right feels like a gift. That loss of blissful, beautiful ignorance is forever. But, it does give you some things, more compassion, more insight, more fear.
Love to you.
Oh, gosh, I know. I have three beautiful children and three losses and now, pregnant with my fourth and last, every day that things go right feels like a gift. That loss of blissful, beautiful ignorance is forever. But, it does give you some things, more compassion, more insight, more fear.
Love to you.
I have suffered 3 miscarraiges, and have two beautiful children. I know the pain and the unease. The 2nd and 3rd were in ther teen weeks… I always think I will see them in heaven some day. But that fear,, it grips you. I allowed it to grip me too hard and my husband got a vasectomy after our last loss. (the 3 were consecutive) It is a decision I was so sure about than, but so regret now. Hang in there. You are full of strength and you have two awsome kiddos as proof that you can and will have another (or more) again some day…
)
I have suffered 3 miscarraiges, and have two beautiful children. I know the pain and the unease. The 2nd and 3rd were in ther teen weeks… I always think I will see them in heaven some day. But that fear,, it grips you. I allowed it to grip me too hard and my husband got a vasectomy after our last loss. (the 3 were consecutive) It is a decision I was so sure about than, but so regret now. Hang in there. You are full of strength and you have two awsome kiddos as proof that you can and will have another (or more) again some day…
)
I don’t have any magic words to help you or any one else. But I can promise to keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Thank you for being so strong and willing to share with all of us. With love, Lisa
I don’t have any magic words to help you or any one else. But I can promise to keep you in my thoughts & prayers. Thank you for being so strong and willing to share with all of us. With love, Lisa