This was me last year on President’s Day.
I look at this photo and I wish I could properly express what it does to me to see this shot. I can’t believe it’s me. I can’t believe that my belly once stretched that far to make room for James and Jake. I envy the hand that rests on my belly in that shot.
I loved my baby belly. It was cute, wasn’t it? I don’t know if I’ve ever loved my baby belly so much as I did with James and Jake. I was in great physical shape when I became pregnant with the twins. In my previous pregnancies I was so unaware (read: stupid) of my weight and my health and I took for granted the importance of taking care of my body. With the twins I understood. I valued that I was mostly belly and turned down the extra helpings “just because I was eating for three.” (most of the time.)
When I see this photo, I can literally feel myself contracting, thinking about the tightness of my belly in this picture. Does that make sense? My heart drops knowing that the me in that shot has no idea what is about to happen in just a week’s time. I’m so sad for her, I’m so sad knowing that at some point in that week’s time, their hearts stopped and I wasn’t there to comfort them through their deaths. I was completely unaware of their stillness. As a Mom, I feel like a failure.
I hate that February 26th, 2009, is almost here. I don’t know how to handle this time of year. The memories of their delivery and holding them in our arms and saying good-bye, their memorial service, learning to live our new life with grief, it’s all so hard.
No. It’s unbearable.
In a way, I’m so glad that the first year of grief is almost over and although I know my grief will never be gone, I can appreciate all that we’ve been through, all that we’ve conquered and all that we’ve learned and be glad that it’s our history and not our present. But with the first year being almost over, I feel even more distance from our angel boys and that’s really difficult for this Mom’s heart to take.
I am so sorry. I just found your blog today. There is nothing that makes that sadness ever go away completely. Maybe I’ll go fold my laundry.
Try not to feel distance. Those angels babies are as close to you as ever, watching over you and your family. You’re in my prayers, as always, but especially in this next few weeks.
I am sorry about your loss. I cant even imagine how the pain feels. Most of us cant. Just think that every day that goes by is one day closer for you to see your darling boys.
(((HUGS))))
I am not sure what to say but know that this week I will be thinking and praying for you.
I awoke today thinking that it was almost a year today and I felt for you knowing how difficult it all is for you. That day is forever with all of us, James and Jake are forever with all of us. They have touched so many…
There are no words to make it all better but only a wish that you continue to find strength and hope each and every day.
xoxo
CE
I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be feeling, but you write it out so amazingly well that it gives me a glimpse and my heart grieves for you. My prayers will be extra for you as you go through this month and their anniversary.
Good thoughts and prayers for you and your family this week and next. Take some time for yourself to reflect and remember. Your angels are watching over you, and I hope that is a comfort. Hugs!
I think that you are no further away from then now than you were then…
HUGS.
My thoughts are with you. I can’t imagine that kind of loss.
I’ve been thinking about you so much. I remember the night you told me and you could hardley hide your belly then. We were all so excited for you. I could only imagine how you are feeling this month. I hope you know I am here for you anytime you need me. Just a phone call away.
Love ya
I just found your blog, so I don’t know all that happened and all you went through last year. I can only imagine your thoughts & pain right now.
HUGS and prayers coming your way!
All I can say is thank you so much for being so transparent. This past year has been the worst for you, but I know that through your writing you have helped so many women. thanks for that…and big burly hug to you.
I love you for your honesty and what it does to help others. I wish I could say anything that would be a comfort. I do want to say that even though you did not know the moment that their hearts stopped beating you were there with them. They never longed for you I am sure. I am sure they felt you and were comforted by you. God Bless!!!
(((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))
I was recently thinking the date was coming, and kept you in my thoughts. Know that we are thinking and loving you during this!
Wow, what a beautiful picture, with such sad memories attached. I am so sorry for you. I can’t imagine how rough this month must be for you. I’ll be praying as the anniversary approaches!
{{Another virtual hug}}
I’m so sorry.
I’m a new-ish reader and am so moved by your story. I hope you can find some peace in the memory of your boys.
I’m so sorry! Praying for you tonight.
Extra prayers for you as that day approaches…
I’ve been thinking about this for the last week. Knowing the day was fast approaching and trying to figure out what I can do to make it less painful, stressful, hard. But deep down I know there’s nothing I can do to ease your heartache. I can only be your friend and love you and be here when you need to cry or yell or cuss like a sailor. I *will* be here for you.
James and Jake are forever in your heart, my heart, and the hearts of so many others. They love you, and they are loved. I love you. So many have love for you and them. Let the love envelope you and ease your heart.
Always,
Hi-C
You are in my thoughts this week. I’m so sorry that you feel distant from your boys. I see them as being so close to you. The way you talk about them… they’re with you every moment of every day.
Please know that you will be reunited with your babies in Heaven. Two years ago when I had a miscarrige (I was only at 9 weeks though)the only thing that brought me any comfort or peace was knowing that my baby was in Heaven with God and that I will get to meet him and hold him one day.
I will be praying for you this week as you face this anniversary.
A great and immeasurable pain of grief is the distance and difficulty of time and space… as you write in your last paragraph. It is unbearably sad. I think our angels know this, and they visit with their little reminders at perfect little moments. You will see and feel James & Jake around you, all around you… they will never, ever let even heaven separate you…
I am thinking of you and your beautiful little angels as you approach this time of sadness and earthly reminders of your great loss…
Each anniversary will be hard. It has to be. And it will hurt. But, you will make it through. Hugs, and prayers.
You were (and still are) so beautiful. The hardest thing about your kind of loss and struggles is that while getting you past the first year removes you from playing the game of saying, “A year ago, I didn’t know hurt like this,” it also puts you that much more removed from the time when you had your boys with you, though they will always be with you.
Love and chocolate boxes, always.
Dear Beth… After I wrote my above comment, I went out for a run. It is a beautiful, sunny day here in Rhode Island and I wanted to capture as much as I could of the warmth of this morning. I had my iPod blaring, but all I thought about was you and James & Jake…
I know I put a lot of pressure on my angels… well, I don’t think they mind because they were so here for me on this earth and they know how much I miss them every moment of each day. My sign from my dad is a purple balloon and my sign for Flo is a yellow balloon. There are stories…
… so as I was running today (you know I’m not a “runner”), I somehow got more energy and more energy as I was going, and I was drawn to another route… past my home and around here and there… like I was being taken somewhere… and more than once I thought how wonderful it would be to see a yellow or purple balloon… but what’s the chance of that on a cold February morning?!
Well, what’s the chance? As I was running up a little hill toward my home, there I saw them. BOTH BALLOONS. A yellow and a purple one. Tied together on a pole at a car lot. I gave each one a high-five as I passed (this is a main street with lots of cars and people, so I may have looked a bit odd), and I smiled through my tears.
Beth… your little angels are not here with you where you want them desperately to be… but they are with you. And they are with angels who will love them with your. For you. I know this as well as I know I am sitting here typing to you.
Much love,
Sharon
Hi,
I just found your blog. I am so sorry for your loss.
Big Hug,
viv
I remember the anticipation of the year mark, it is so difficult. I found the anticipation to be worse than the actual day though. Don’t get me wrong, it sucked it hurt it was bad…just not as bad as I thought it would be.
Do whatever you need to to get through this extremely difficult time.
I find that it helps me to do something for Emma on that day. We used to do a ladybug release but it is hard to find them in August. This year we sent her balloons. I will write on the balloon my wishes for her. It is very therapeutic. It doesn’t matter what you do, just do something. Go into the day with a plan.
I don’t know how you are feeling, just how I felt. I wish you didn’t belong to this stupid club. I hate it. I hate it for you.
You remain in my heart my dear friend.
HUGS! Thinking of you!
Beth, that belly is the most beautiful I’ve seen. You are among the most beautiful women I’ve met. As this milestone of a date draws closer, I pray for peace for you but also for so much more. You deserve so much more. Hugs.
(((((hugs))))
Wow. I’m struggling to write something comforting. But realizing the toughest time for you is coming up. What else can I say? Probably nothing, other than more hugs are prayers are sent your way. As always. But needed even more now, I think. Hang in there Beth. You’re strong.
My heart goes out to you as the anniversary approaches. I agree with upstatemomof3 that you *were* there for your boys. They knew nothing but love, comfort & nurturing from you. Even as their little hearts stopped, you continued to provide that for them.
I hope that you will find peace, even though you live with a heart that is a little bit broken.
Hugs to you and your family.
I agree…..this picture of your pregnant belly is beautiful in so many ways. It makes me remember my own pregnancies and how wonderful I felt that someone wanted me to be this child’s mommy. I’m addicted to pregnant people because it’s the most amazing gift and most amazing experience. I appreciate your honesty with your thoughts of ‘that woman’. At the time, she had no idea what was ahead of her and how she would never really be ‘that woman’ again. She has been changed by knowledge and heart ache. I ache for her too! My heart goes out to you. Sending hugs your way!!
You are most certainly not a failure, honey! I know there isn’t much I can say or do to help guide you through this grief, because this is the kind of grief you will live with most of your life. I’d like to comfort you in knowing that they will always be with you, even if they aren’t physically. Just as Sharon pointed out, if you’re open to receiving them, there are signs all around you that illustrate that they are there.
*huge gigantic hugs* to you and your family during this time. How are you feeling, are the meds working I hope?
Because of Jake and James, I do my best to not find myself being cranky with my children. They are with me as much as with you but you have the actual physical grief of their loss. I just want you to know that they were not lost in vain. You’ve carried the torch and given them life through this blog.
I am thinking of you…..
sending you my thoughts and a hug….hoping its enough…..wishing it could do more.
I wish I’d known you when you were pregnant, selfishly, I wish I’d been a friend to rub that belly and hug you during their loss.
I’m thinking of you often and hugging you from very far away.
I still have a single emerald green glove sitting in my closet, visible through a clear tupperware container everytime I open the closet door. The morning of February 25, I had a pair of emerald gloves. After leaving work after one of the most shocking and unforgettable phone conversations you and I have ever shared, I truly don’t know how I even drove. I just wasn’t there. Anyway, it was that day my glove went missing…probably in the parking lot of where I work. I wonder how long it sat on the ground while I was hundreds of miles away with you as you went through such an unimaginable and painful experience.
I know it’s just a glove and I don’t really care that it was lost, but that single glove I still have brings me so much emotion, I can’t see ever letting it go.
I know you have many items like this that must bring 100 folds of the emotion to you that I feel when I see that glove. My point is, I’m always thinking about you and your beautful angel boys, but during this month of February as it gets closer to the 26th, I think about you ALL THE TIME. You’re not alone.
You have so much of my love. Please lean on whomever you need to!!! We’re all here for you and would be honored to have the opportunity to show you our support.
Love,
Sarah
thinking of you, beth! continue to see james and jake in the beautiful things in your life…they are closer to you than you know.
Thinking of you this week. The picture is beautiful.
Hugs and prayers go out to your family from mine.
I’ve been thinking about that date, too. Maybe that distance you feel is only mistaken for your healing. That doesn’t mean they are farther away, just maybe the pain is what’s growing distant, and what you love and want to remember isn’t the pain, but is *them* and every part of them that was good. Or I might not be making any sense whatsoever, but either way, yes, that was an adorable baby belly.
Steph
I love your new office set up. And that rug is fabulous!!!!
Sorry, completed commented on the wrong post. Please ignore blondie over here – she sometimes, well ok, a lot of the time takes up residence in me and does dumb blonde things.
I can’t imagine going through a loss like this. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Lean on us as much as needed we will be here.
((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))
That is awesome!! I love the way your office looks now. I should send you a picture of the way my computer area (it is not really an office). It is a terrible mess!!! I am glad you are feeling better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.