Here we are. One year later.
Right about now my labor was really starting to begin. I can remember sitting in a chair in the hospital room, our priest from our church came in and was praying for us and for our strength, I can remember during the prayer feeling discomfort deep within me, I can remember wondering if labor was actually beginning.
With Ariel and Racecar I never really experienced labor and delivery, after having a c-section with Racecar, I knew I would never have a vaginal delivery. I was always a little disappointed about that, little did I know that God was saving that experience for me for two very special boys.
The contractions arrived and intensified. The pain was unbearable and usually non-stop, throughout labor I was continuously offered pain medication and epidurals. But each time I refused. All I could think about was how this labor was my real labor of love. I would breathe through each contraction thinking that this is just one day of my life, this is just one moment in time that is for them, I wanted to feel what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t want to miss a single experience I was supposed to have with them, no matter how painful.
That physical pain was a sliver of the emotional pain we have experienced.
The labor was my gift from them. Although it was such a tragic end to something so beautiful, that experience that I had with them was so unique, it was something I had never experienced before and I hope I will never experience again.
I can’t believe an entire year has passed. This day marks the day we held their perfection in our arms and it marks the beginning of a season for us, a season of tears, questions, anger, sadness and experiences that have changed us forever. Everyday seems like a new anniversary of sorts, tomorrow marks the day we held them for the last time, this week marks the time we cried all throughout the day and it was expected and understood, the time when food and flowers were delivered seemingly non-stop, the memorial service, picking up their ashes, learning to live with grief.
There are so many memories flooding into our brains and into our hearts that it’s overwhelming. Somehow, though, it feels good, it feels good to be dedicating this time to James and Jake. I get so carried away with life that the only time I find myself feeling the heartache is while driving alone in my car or laying in bed, after turning out the lights.
James and Jake have changed us forever. We laugh and love more, we let go of the little things, we just want to live and live fully, all because James and Jake have taught us just how precious, beautiful and fragile this life is. Their power is undeniable, their mark is forever.
YOUR mark is forever, too. I told my sister, a few days after losing James and Jake that my biggest fear is that James and Jake would be forgotten, the mere thought made my heart break into a million little pieces. But so many of you are still here, so many of you have not forgotten, so many of you live fuller lives because of James and Jake and that is their power and that is so beautiful and healing to us.
Every story we hear about how they have affected you is inspiring to us. Every comment you leave about your love for our boys is a like a little gift handed to us, wrapped in the most beautiful paper, that we will hold onto for the rest of our lives. I could listen to you forever, telling me how your heart is better because of James and Jake.
We’d love to hear from you today, because this day, as my friend Amy pointed out, “is a day that maybe we’ll remember the special things from this day one year ago, meeting our boys, holding them, studying them and their beautiful features, loving them in the flesh.“ This day is not just about the sadness, but also about the beautiful, the amazing, the good.
Yes, there is good.
“our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” -confuscius
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us……….emerson
my words to live by……………..
sending loving thoughts your way………
Praying for you and thinking of you and your beautiful boys so much. Love you.
That was one of of the most beautiful blog posts I have ever read.
James and Jake will be a part of the hearts of so many. Their legacy is forever, as their life, however short, has affected so many of us.
Thank you for sharing your boys with us during this year. And thank you for sharing you with us as well. You are an amazing and beautiful person. James and Jake were incredibly blessed when God chose you to be their mother.
Hugs and prayers are coming your way today.
I am thinking of you and your two sweet angle babies today.
{{Hugs}}
Zak
Reading all about your experience has reminded me to love more and more deeply. It is because of you and your boys that I remember not to hold a grudge. It is because of them that I remember to give my kids extra hugs and kisses (even when Big Brother squirms to go play). It is also because of them that I remember every day how precious each and every life is. God Bless you and your family. You are all in my thoughts today.
I am thinking of you and your two sweet angel babies today.
{{Hugs}}
Zak
Hi sweetie, I’m stopping by via Lissa at Whoo’s that girl, and I just wanted to tell you as many bloggers before me have, that you and your family are in my prayers. i can’t even fathom the grief that you’ve gone through over the past year, but I will pray for your strength and healing. i went back to read some of the posts from your journey and you are truly blessed with a wonderful group of bloggy friends. you’re a wonderful, touching writer and i admire you for sharing your experiences with us so openly. we will be walking in the march of dimes walk this year too (again) as we have since the year my little boy was born six weeks early, and i want you to know that team aidan will be thinking of team james and jake that day too. hugs and prayers to you and your family,
christie o. @ Baby Tea Leaves
Beth, I’ve been reading your blog and praying for you for months but I have never been able to comment. I just can’t seem to find the words to adequately convey my sympathy or respect for you as a woman and mother. Please know that I’m praying for you again today and that James’ and Jake’s lives have had an impact on this total stranger. May God give you some peace and comfort today.
Beth,
I only recently “found” you and your blog. I didn’t really know you last year. I didn’t really know this pain you lived/live. I didn’t get to know James and Jake then.
I know you now, though. And through your writing (and Steph) I know James and Jake now. Your boys, those precious angels that I never laid eyes on, I never knew, I never bonded with through postings of pictures and cute stories, they have touched my heart deeply since learning of them and your painful experience.
I remember feeling the deepest gratitude for my boys, when reading about your twins. I remember, with tears streaming down my cheeks, holding my baby tightly and thinking of you.
They will never be forgotten. And as long as you blog about them, you’ll keep exposing other people to their sweetness, and other people’s lives will continue to be touched by their souls.
I can’t even begin to fathom what you feel like today. Or what you felt like then. But, I am in total awe of you. How you went through that labor for them. For you. For what could have been. For what should have been. For what was. For them.
You’re a beautiful person. And, your sons are with you. They are proud of their Mommy. They love their Mommy. They smile at their Mommy. You are their Mommy.
I wish I had more words. I wish I had the right words. I wish I were there to give you a hug and celebrate your sons with you, mourn with you, laugh with you, cry with you.
I’m sure you can feel everyone’s love through the computer, but there isn’t anything like being in the physical presence of people who care. I hope you have that today.
To James and Jake, may you always be remembered, celebrated and loved…you will be, I just know it.
Nell
As hard as this year has been, you have made it through. You made it through and in the process, you taught so many people the true meaning of love. You have taught us all so much. Those angel babies will always be remembered because you have made it possible for all of us to never forget them. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your whole family.
Thinking of you Beth.
I am so glad that with a year passed, there is some measure of peace. Certainly, Jake and James would want that for their beloved family.
Thinking of you today…
Beth…
My thoughts and my prayers and my heart is with you and your family today. Truly.
Much, much love –
Audrey
I can hardly believe it’s already been a year. I remember participating in your “raffle” when you found out what the genders of the babies were! I will never forget your story, your heartache, and seriously because of you, James, and Jake, I realize just how amazing–and what a miracle–each and every pregnancy truly is! RIP JJF.
Hey there Beth and Brian,
I think about you all of the time. I think of your two little ones that I have watched grow since 2004. I think about those special little boys that have made a huge impact on so many people. I am amazed at how strong you are and how much you have changed your life. Your boys would be proud.
I am praying for you and your family as you go through this difficult time. Your post was so beautifuly written and is such a wonderful tribute to them. Wishing you all peace~
You are in my thoughts today. Your boys will always be remembered.
You and your family are in my thoughts today, as you endure this difficult season. I hope there’s some solace in the knowledge that your boys are so deeply loved and that they will never be forgotten.
My heart aches for you. You inspire so many people and keep Jake and James’ memory in the forefront by doing so. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult this week.
Beth, what a beautiful, uplifting post. We’ll never forget “our baby boys” and we’ll never forget their influence in all our lives.
I have been keeping you, Brian and the kids in my prayers today. You sound as if you have some peace, and that is good. It’s not to say you won’t still be so sad, mad, frustrated, etc, etc, etc…you just sound peaceful right now. that is what I pray for you.
I can’t wait until the day when I can meet these two amazing little angels and give them big fat smooches on their cute cheeks.
It will come, I know it will come.
Your story and the story of your two boys is heart-changing. Sharing it is an amazing gift to all of us. Thank you. My prayers are with you.
I’d never read your blog until someone I regularly read (thought it was Oh Amanda, but can’t find the original post) mentioned a friend of theirs had lost twins. I’ve been here ever since. As you know, I don’t often comment. Some days I just skim. But here I am.
I’m sorry for the circumstances, but I’m GLAD you’re my bloggy friend. Nathan and Ender’s singing “Happy Birthday” to you wouldn’t have been NEARLY as cool otherwise.
I just LOVE the photo you posted shortly after you gave birth… the one of you and your husband holding hands while you were laboring. LOVE. THAT. PHOTO.
Much love…
Beth,
I am always amazed by your strength and your ability to share so freely with all of use out here. Jake and James will never be forgotten, their memory lives on in so many of our hearts. Lots of love and hugs to all of you today.
You and your angels are in my heart and mind today. ((hugs))
I don’t think that I have ever left a comment here but I have been a loyal follower since the day your sister posted about you losing James and Jake (another blog that I follow posted a link).
I just wanted to share with you that James and Jake have indeed touched my life. I am a mother of two…18 months apart in age and when my youngest was 6 months old I found out that I was expecting our third. We didn’t want a third…I was on the pill, never missed a pill, and took the pill at the same time every night…just like I was supposed to. I started crying the second that test came up positive. I mean, how am I gonna do this? Three under three? Seriously?
Then I thought about you and your husband, and your kids…and James and Jake. That stopped my pity party dead in it’s tracks! Having a baby is a GIFT! And no matter how scary it might be I CAN do this!
I am 29 weeks now and I feel so blessed to have this baby on the way! I cherish every movement, every foot in the rib, every backache…because of you…and James and Jake. Thank you for that!
Beth,
You are so brave and strong. The story and thoughts of J&J touch my heart.
I will be keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
As much as I love being a mom, knowing you and the stories of your little angels make me not take anything for granite. I hug my son a little more and tell him that I love him a little more often ( I didn’t think it was possible).
Your boys will always be in our hearts along with you and your family.
It’s hard to believe a year has gone by. I’m thinking of you today. Thanks for sharing your raw and honest feelings with us these past 12 months.
Oh Beth – I am thinking of you and your precious boys. (hugs)
Never, ever forgotten.
Your gift of words shares them with us every day, you bring their memory to life for those of us who weren’t couldn’t be there for you.
Love to you and ALL of yours.
I’m a long time reader, but have never commented before. I just want to say how touched I am by the way you show your love for your two precious boys. They wont ever be forgotten. You are in my thoughts today.
Thank you for sharing your story. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I love this post. It’s so well written and extremely wise.
I’m certainly a better person after seeing you heal over the past year and I feel very lucky to have had James and Jake touch my life.
Thanks for sharing your stories and emotions through your blog. It’s been an honor being able to go through this experience by reading your words. Your truly have a gift, and I know your baby boys are very proud of how you have honered them and allowed others to keep them in their hearts and minds.
Lots of Love,
Sarah
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, your family, and your two angels. ((Hugs))
James and Jake…2 beautiful, sweet, loving souls… An integral part of your wonderful family…may you feel the warm embrace all around you today and everyday. Love Hugs and squeezes, your soul family
Beth, your courage & strength never cease to amaze me. Somehow reading your blog today has made me feel better, but isn’t that what we’re supposed to do for you? I would so much like to be able to write something so profound & meaningful for you. Something to explain how much knowing your story & being blessed with hearing about James & Jake has meant to me. But all I can really say is thank you for making me realize how important life is & how we should never take any second of it for granted.
God bless you, your family & most importantly James & Jake. Those two sweet little babies have made more of an impact on this world than you will ever know.
love ya.
I didn’t really read blogs last year. I read Steph’s because we have a mutual friend (Jil) but I wasn’t like, into reading blogs the way I am now. I had never read yours.
I vividly remember Steph’s post last year. I was about 14 or 15 weeks pregnant at the time. When I read what had happpened terror struck me, and in that moment it felt so real and possible and terrible and my mind kept repeating no no no no and I wished so much that this wasn’t your reality and I cried.
Thank you for having the energy and strength to talk about this with all of us. I know I’ll never forget your story.
What a beautiful tribute to two incredibly, beautiful, special little boys. I am so very proud of you Beth for all you and your family have overcome, accepted and inspired. Your family is a true blessing for all of us out here and with your continued sharing, we will all continue to grow with you.
Sending you and your family big cyber hugs and so much more.
I put this under your Miscellany….
I am so sorry for your loss and amazed by your insight, strength and hope. I treasure the things you have said today. I am so very glad you have shared James and Jake with others, I know that story can be so personal and harsh to share….but by saying it it is like that labor of love you talk about. Now there is one more person (me) who knows your boys and they are not forgotten. They are larger than life itself.
kalei
Beth, you and your family are in my prayers today more than ever. I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time but have only commented one time. It’s so hard for me to express how much I feel you and what you have gone through. James and Jake will always be there for you because you keep them so close to you. Much love and support these next few days, Sarah
Beth,
For six years, this day has had great significance to me. I lost my uncle. But now, the significance is so much more. I only started reading your blog recently, and you move me beyond words. The love that your friends have for you moves me beyond words.
James and Jake will NEVER be forgotten. The lives that you touch by posting such intimate details of your life ensure that.
Many hugs,
April
This day is certainly a special day. I wasn’t here this time last year, I had not discovered your blog yet, but now I am here and I have appreciated the journey you have shared. I have been touched by the stories of James and Jake and have a great deal of admiration for you.
I’m sitting here right now waiting for a fetal echocardiogram that will happen in a week and a day to know if the little boy I’m carrying in my womb has a heart problem. It’s a scary time, but I’m hanging on to hope in my God – knowing that he has everything in control and that no matter what is in my future he’ll be by my side helping me through it. Stories like yours are what help me to remember that I’m not alone, that others have walked harder paths than what are ahead of me and that God has been there for them and will be there for me too.
WOW. I have followed this blog for less time than most, but today’s post, the whole story read yesterday crying at my desk. It’s people who are able to communicate the magnitude of emotion during times like this that inspire me most.
My cousin, 29, lost his battle to AML last June. His life, though shorter than most taught me so much. Compassion, caring for others, and spreading joy no matter what. It’s a powerful thing to be surrounded by those people.
My daughter’s preschool teacher explained it to me in such a unique way.
“It’s not about how long you live, it’s about how wide you live.” James and Jake, though here for a short time have lived a WIDE life and their lives continue to get wider as we remember them and what they teach all of us. This strength, this knowledge of what life is really about, this compassion is what sets some apart. What makes us all think there are angels among us, guiding. I see you and Brian as those angels. Though dealing with great pain is difficult, you are able to rise above and share with others how they can rise above the sadness as well.
For this, I am forever grateful for your whole family. Thanks for sharing this with us
Thank you for posting – no words except lots of hugs and prayers.
Cheryl
Oh, sweet Beth. I’m struggling for the right words this morning. I prayed for you and your husband and children and all the family and dear friends who were joining you in marking the day yesterday. I hope you felt the comfort of hundreds of prayers surrounding you.
I also didn’t really “know” you before you lost James and Jake. I think our mutual friend was Megan of Fried Okra, but possibly it was Steph. Anyway, from the day you lost James and Jake, I’ve rarely missed a post here. Every word you have shared in the past year has been such a testimony of how walking through the unimaginable calls one to wake up to real life, to embrace the pain that you might truly cherish the joy.
Even if you decided to walk away from blogging today and never spoke publicly about James and Jake again, I still would never forget them and your family’s story. I think of them often on days when I’m grumbling about stupid little things – I think of how all of my plans for tomorrow and the next day can change in a second. I think of them when I see lone flowers pushing up through winter soil – of how there is always something hopeful and lovely in the midst of the hard.
I admire you beyond what words can express for the way you’ve shared your heart, soul, and mind in the past year. Some women might have packed up shop and closed off – and who could blame them? But you persevered in being real and honest and bold in telling all that you have gone through on each step of this journey so that others who have gone through this, are going through this, and will go through this might know they aren’t alone. Thank you for that. Thank you for caring for us enough to invite us to stay with you.
You are beautiful and amazing and powerful beyond words.
I didn’t get a chance to stop by yesterday but I still wanted to let you know that I was thinking of you, Brian, Ariel, Racecar and James & Jake.
I am in awe of how much of this you have shared with us, your readers, and I am also grateful for it. Your boys will certinaly NOT be forgotten. Ever. I’m still so very sorry that they are not with you here on earth but I can only imagine what beautiful angels they are. I hope that brings you some comfort. Many prayers, as always,
Elaine
Last night I was thinking about you and remembered the quote from Castaway.. “And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise.”
So I wanted to stop by to let you know.. the sun did rise this morning…..
I hope in the sadness of yesterday you still found time to be happy….
Reading your blog has made me appreciate my time with my family and especially my children. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you but I pray for you and your family and I am glad that you have chosen to share your story.
(And you make me laugh and your photos are awesome)
The quote says it all to me.
“our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” -confuscius
YOU rose and continue to rise.