Thanks to all of you who have left an amazing comment or sent an email, your support makes such a difference during this time. If I’m being honest with you, I have to tell you that I’m almost embarrassed to be in this position again. This position of leaning on you for your support and love and prayers. I had made so much progress since that fateful day last February and then this happens and almost lands me at square one.
I said almost at square one. This time I know we’ll be okay, last time I never believed it for a second.
The procedure and the day went quite well. I was with my favorite doctor which made me feel well taken care of and Brian was by my side, which brings me strength, especially when he continues to tell me how pretty I am despite the dark circles, lack of make-up and funky surgery hair.
Today, however, brings me a new dilemma. I have to make a very big decision. Back before I even knew I was pregnant, I bought airlines tickets, booked a hotel and registered for Blissdom. My flight was schedule to leave on Thursday, February 5th and I was flying with Sarah, Stephanie and Arianne.
I couldn’t wait. I can’t even describe to you how excited I was to meet so many people that are attending. I was constantly giddy at the thought of being able to connect these blogger’s written word with their faces and being able to actually wrap my arms around them.
Even though I knew my pregnancy was a threatened miscarriage this weekend, I had hope and started to shop and prepare for the trip. But then on Monday afternoon, we learned that the once beating heart had stopped and then everything in our worlds stopped, too. Planning stopped, hoping stopped, everything stopped.
I know I should go on this trip and my doctor has told me that physically I would be fine, but also wanted to warn me that the emotional aspect is what I should be thinking about.
Not only that, but can I be ready in time? I mean, I’m still in my hospital underwear for the love of God. (don’t judge, they’re awesome and the nurse gave me EXTRA.)
My eyebrows are bushy.
I have no clothes.
I still have to pack.
And do tons of laundry.
I still have cramping and all I want to do is lay in bed. And not because I’m so depressed, but because I’m so incredibly tired, I just want to sleep.
And? I can’t even drive until this afternoon. Also? 15 inches of snow fell on us last night, so getting around will be treacherous.
I’m saying all of this and I know that I should just crawl back in bed and just wait until next year.
Then again, I wonder if I should just buck up, take a shower and start doing some laundry and go to bed extra early tonight and this weekend I can feel the love and support of my friends and blog world.
But then? What could be better than staying home with my family? (did I mention my birthday is this weekend, too?)
I just need one more day.
I just need to make this decision.
But I can’t.
I think you should make yourself go. Once you’re there, you will be glad you went. It could do you a world of good. And Happy Birthday in Advance.
Honey, I so know your quandry. And truly you are the only one who can make the choice. I’d encourage you to go, to step out of yourself for a day or two. Emotionally it will be tough, and if you feel you need the support of your husband and family for a while longer, so be it.That’s what you need to do. Not much help am I? All I can tell you is that I’ve been there and I’d stand right behind you if you needed me, but I won’t be at Blissdom either (totally diff reasons) and all I can do is be a virtual support net. Blessings and prayers are with you, from our house to yours.
GO!!!!!! What better thing for your mental state than surrounding yourself with so many friends and good times?? Your family will ALWAYS be there for you.. This weekend AND the next and the next and the next… GO!!!
I really do think, assuming that you’re physically able, you should go Beth.
Staring at the walls and cruled up in bed, while comforting, isn’t going to get the job done.
You absence may also be a sign to the other family members that says, “Beth will be okay.”
Just my two cents, and I wish you a very happy birthday.
Do you want to be sad at home, or sad somewhere else? It is clear that wherever you end up you will be surrounded by love and support and grace and comfort. Only you can know what you need and there’s no doubt that those who love you will be there for you regardless of your decision.
Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. Your willingness to be honest about where you are emotionally is surely a gift to someone else out there trying to understand what is happening to them.
I just want to give you a hug.
I don’t know what you should do, but see all sides of this. Being with your family is so important now, but getting out and having the support you know is out there is too. I hope the choice comes to you, and you do what is best for you. I am thinking of you!!
I can so see how hard this is. I keep thinking that getting up and doing what you need to do and being around your girlfriends is a good thing.
On the other hand, letting your family take care of you for a few days and celebrating your birthday with you, might be ok too.
I think I would just worry that if you didn’t go, you would be more depressed thinking about where you were supposed to be this weekend and why you are not.
If you feel like your body can handle it, then I say go. Go and enjoy all those awesome bloggers who will give you all the love and comfort you need. Seriously. You will get nothing but love and understanding from everyone there. Even if you have to go take a nap(or two).
love you
CE
I can’t tell you that we’d be better than your family, but I can say that it sounds like it might be a good thing to be surrounded by women who love you, who have shared your experience, and who can cry with you. I’ll bet we’re good huggers, too.
Praying for you.
I hope you decide to go, but you know I’ll still love you if you don’t.
I can see both sides of the coin on this, sweetie. I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this! I’ll be praying for God to make clear what would be the best thing for you to do at this point.
And which day is your birthday? Mine is the 7th! Happy birthday to us!
I feel inadequate to give advice but I think you should go. I think go out and doing things will be better than staying home. But give yourself the right to be grieving as well. You do not need to get up and get over it today. Just take things one activity at a time.
Oh Beth! I selfishly want you to come so we can all hug and love on you. I selfishly want to say that your family will be there when you get back to comfort you some more, but just this one weekend will be when all of us are together.
I have no wise words to say. I’m praying for you and your family and this loss. I’ll pray too that God will lead you to do what you should do this weekend. {{virtual hugs}} until I can hug your neck in person.
I think you know the answer, inside you somewhere. So I ask you this: If you didn’t go, would you feel sad and regret, or feel relief?
xoxo
`A
OK, so I’m going to take a page out of your book that I’ve seen on your blog. “Honest and Blunt”
Ready?
“eyebrows are bushy”?
Now, if you have the creativity to work that up as an excuse/reason, you have the energy to get going. LOL!
Couldn’t resist.
Hang in there.
If you chose to stay home and not go, you might not only feel what you’re feeling but regret for not going as well. Don’t add to it anymore than you already are.
If you do decide to go, you’ll be surrounded by amazing friends who will pick you up, dust you off a bit, and keep you busy.
And, if you’re not feeling well while you’re there, there’s nothing to say you can’t spend the day in your jammies being waited on by room service.
*hugs and more hugs*
Oh Beth – I just came to your site after not being here for a week or so. Sigh. I just wish that I could crawl through the computer and give you a huge hug. Go with your heart honey as it will make the right decision for you as to whether you should go on the trip or not.
I am here for you Beth if you need someone to talk to.
I don’t know what to tell you. You will be loved no matter what you decide. You have wonderful friends who will be there for you if you go and you have a wonderful family and friends who will be there if you decide not to go. Love ya.
Difficult decision and I wish I could make if for you but I can’t. If it were me I think (at least I hope I would) go and enjoy myself. If you’re all booked and you bought a few things you’re already halfway there and you have a great support team to travel with. It may be just the time away you need, surronded by wicked cool people. Can’t wait to hear what you decide.
Can I confess that I love hospital underwear and wish I could wear them all the time?
That said, I am sure you will absolutely make the best decision for you about this weekend. Go with your heart, and give yourself a day to decide. I hope you go, and I hope you have an amazing time. And if you don’t go, I’ll be just a short drive away with makeup, wine, and fatty food if you need me.;)
Only YOU know what’s best for you, of course. I think I would want to be at home with my hubs and children right now. But that is me…not you. Do you feel like if you go, you would wish you were home or not go and really wish you were there? Tough to decide, I’m sure. Either way, go with your heart feeling about it.
Sending you hugs and prayers.
Love,
Susan
Coming from Steph’s link.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m sure you will be guided in what’s right for you. Peace,
Like others have said, only you know what’s right for you, somewhere down deep inside.
But having said that, I also agree with what many others have said – GO! Nothing matters more right now than just taking care of YOU. And if you need to go and just be elsewhere with other like-minded folks who care about you, then do it.
Sending you hugs and healing thoughts!
Ugh. What a decision. Look deep inside and listen to yourself. I know, it’s not really a help.
On one hand, I think being with your girls could be tremendously helpful. But then again, being with your hubby and kids, chillin’ in bed might be really great too.
See, I know, I’m no help.
If I were going to Blissdom, I would totally tell you to come so we could play…but
No seriously though, you just need to listen to yourself and do what you feel is best for you. Whatever you do, be gentle with yourself.
xoxo
I think you need to do what you feel you need to do. I’m sure the answer is there somewhere deep down. Whatever you do you don’t want to regret it…and that goes with going or staying home. Please be good to your body though. If you feel that you physically can’t go, there will always be next year or blogher09.
HUGS to you.
Nell
the choice is yours alone, sadly. you’re in my prayers…
Go.
It’ll do you good to be around your main chicas. Do enough laundry for you to pack for the trip and then bribe Brian to do the rest.
If there’s still time, I say go for i! Hop on that plane tomorrow & let all of the other bloggers out there lift you up & support you just like you do for so many other people. And just think about all the pluckin you can do in the airport bathroom?!
Now if you’ve decided to stay home, make sure you get some serious pampering from your friends & family!
I want you to go. If I were you, I don’t know what I’d do. But I’m me and I’m gonna be there and I wanna meet you! And give you a hug. Not that you know me. And not that it’d help. But I’d love it if you showed up in line behind me while getting coffee or something equally indulgent.
Go- if not just for the weather alone! :0
http://www.weather.com/weather/tenday/USTN0357?from=36hr_fcst10DayLink_undeclared
(It’s supposed to be high 60′s by the 7th. )
I am envious that you have friends that you can share this time with.
And for us that are homebound- we can live vicariously thru you and your hopefully fun trip!
Don’t worry about laundry or packing. I live in Nashville, I can loan you some clothes for the weekend. I have enough clothes and accessories to stock a small boutique. I’ll even drop off a heating pad for the cramps. As for the eyebrows? We can get that taken care of in 15 minutes flat. I say throw your hospital panties in your purse and get on the plane. Taking a break from reality for the weekend to get loved on by that many sympathetic women might be just what you need.
You’ve probably decided by now – I hope you have a wonderful time, despite the sadness, if you go.
Beth, I am so sorry. Maybe it is common (I know it is, I’ve miscarried three times), but it sucks and it hurts so much. And for you, well it’s just too much. It just is. I don’t have any wonderful words, but I did go on a much anticipated trip the weekend after my first loss and surgery. I was sad at times, but I was glad I went. I really hope it turns out the same for you.
I had a miscarriage before and I know how it is. I can completely relate to the way you are feeling. *hugs* Though, I think you should go. You may regret it if you don’t.
A change of pace may be a good thing. Women have a way of rallying round and helping one another through times like these. My vote is for you to go and let everyone show you some lovin. I believe you will come home glad you went. My love and prayers to you Beth.
Beth — I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. There are no words I can offer, just my prayer for your healing.
Jen and I were supposed to go to BlissDom too, and she told me you would be there so I was looking forward to seeing you again. But, we aren’t going to make it. It would have been great, but there will be other conferences.
May you be content with your decision, whichever way you decide.
((HUGS)) I’m so sorry.
~ FC
whatever you decided to do, i wish you a very happy birthday wherever you may celebrate it!!!
Beth — Since your site is quiet today, I can only hope that you are in transit! {{hugs}}
Oh BETH! ((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry!
I agree with CE – if your body can handle it, go. ((Hugs))
So very sorry, Beth. If you do go, maybe you could take a couple days once your home to “fall apart”? I don’t mean that in a bad way, just to say that it is not bad of you to want to go, but you will need some time to curl up and cry for a while – so don’t feel guilty if once you get home you still need to do that. I think we forget to grieve, because somehow society thinks one miscarriage is enough, you’re not allowed to be sad for more. I say if you don’t grieve something is wrong with you. Sorry, I am ranting. All that to say love and prayers go to you from me. I hope whatever you decide is without regret.
First of all, I wanted to start by saying that I am so, so deeply sorry for your loss. I experienced a miscarriage last spring, only a few short weeks after you delivered the twins, and the pain of that loss is devastating, I know. I am so sorry that you ever had to experience it at all, much less twice over. I’m very sorry; sometimes there are just no words…
Second of all, and if I’m out of line, feel free to hate me, but one of the things that helped me through my grief was the feeling that I was not alone. I read other bloggers who had miscarried and nodded my head and thought yeah, I understand, and knowing that we all wanted this nightmare over helped me. Then I found a blog written by a woman who had lost her darling toddler girl, Ava.
I know that for some people this isn’t the time to read about great loss, it helped my family and me to heal. So last of all, I thought I’d leave her website address, in the event that it helps at all: sheyerosemeyerphotography.com/blog
Take care of yourself *hugs*
Beth, I haven’t wandered over here for a while, and I’m so saddened to hear this latest news. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your family is certainly in my prayers! (((hugs)))
I just love those shoes!!! Sorry you don’t feel well. but hopefully that will change soon.