We had thunderstorms yesterday. Rain, wind, thunder and lightning. It was so dramatic and so appropriate. When I woke up to the darkness yesterday morning, it was foggy and I have to admit, I got a little “why me-ish” on the weather, like “why can’t it be sunny today, today of ALL days?“ But that thought and that attitude went away with the fog, I found the weather to be perfect, just like our day.
We didn’t do anything.
Brian stayed home, we didn’t work, we didn’t really clean or do laundry, we just existed as a family. We went to lunch, the four of us and then headed to Target for essentials, toilet paper, toothpaste, laundry detergent, you know, one of those trips.
We came home. Ariel made bracelets with the new beads she got at Target, Racecar played Wii, Brian played with Racecar. I sat at my computer, checked email, read comments and laid down on the couch and counted my blessings.
We picked up Papa John’s and sat in the living room and started to watch American Idol, we put the kids to bed and then a thunderstorm rolled through, just in time for their bedtime. Now, Racecar is much like his father in that thunderstorms do not phase him at all, he could not care less. Ariel, on the other hand is very much like her mother who needs to know every detail about the storm because WHAT IF THERE IS A TORNADO? She’s very scared of storms.
Brian and I eventually laid in our bed with her, when the storm passed, while she was still awake, we put her back to bed, but Brian and I continued to lay on our bed and we fell asleep.
My final thought before dozing was one year ago, in just forty minutes, the boys exited my body. I remember being in labor and feeling their descent and crying not because of the pain but because my moments carrying them was soon to be over. I cherished carrying them so much, the realization that it was minutes away from being over was devastating.
I fell asleep after that and woke up at eleven. I brushed my teeth, went downstairs, turned of the lights and crawled back in bed.
Yesterday was perfection. It was exactly the way it was supposed to be.
All of you made such a difference in our day and in our hearts. We could feel the love and prayers that surrounded us and that helped to fill us with peace. James and Jake are our most perfect angels. I don’t know why they were taken from us, and I’d give anything to have them here in our arms, but we feel incredibly privelidged that they are ours, even in their heavenly form. It is better to have loved and lossed then to never have loved at all. These words are so true.
Thank you for being with us yesterday and today and during our entire journey, you bless us. Every day.
______________________________________
Many posts were written about James and Jake and our family yesterday and I wanted to share them with you:
First of all, my Mom started a blog this week, she wrote a post about yesterday. I hope you head over there and not only read her post, but also welcome her to the blog world.
Thea is doing this incredibly AWESOME thing to celebrate her two year blogoversary, where she is donating $1 to Team James and Jake (up to $250!!!!) for every comment that is left on this post. Plus by leaving a comment you are entered to win a $50 gift card to anywhere you want. This is so incredible – please, flood her post with comments!
Stephanie wrote here and here, Christy’s post, Arianne’s, Melissa’s and Lisa’s. These words are so meaningful to me, thank you all so much.
First!
OMG, you are so dumb.
Love,
perez
After reading this, I really, *really* want Papa John’s. I also really want to know if you ordered the chocolate pastry delights? Because they are SO good.
I am so glad that yesterday was perfection to you. There was a beautiful quality in the weather yesterday, despite the rain and grey skies, it was almost peaceful. Love!
You know, your day sounded so peaceful. Peaceful in the sense that you and your family were all together for this very important day and it was full of quality togetherness. And that thunderstorm seemed so fitting. Almost like heaven above felt your emotions and responded accordingly. The thunder and lightening to reflect upon your grief and loneliness of missing your boys with the cleansing rain following afterwards.
i was thinking of you so much during that intense storm! so glad that your day was perfect for you and your family.
I’m glad you were able to have a lovely day despite the circumstances. Sounds just about perfect. And thanks for reminding me that we are out of toothpaste and deodorant.
I just want you to know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers. I know these past few days have been rough, but you have all of our support.
I’m so glad it was a perfect day, it’s exactly what you all deserved to have. Doing nothing really does sound like perfection, I’ll have to try that sometime.
I am so glad it was a day for all of you. Spending the time together, just being.
I love that yesterday was perfection for you. Love it!
Steph
I’m so glad that yesterday was what you needed it to be. And what an awesome thing that Thea’s doing! She sparked my imagination! I’m off to comment on her post!
You know, I just found your blog from another blog I read, and I just wanted to say that you are simply amazing. I spent most of last right reading and crying and laughing and crying some more. At the time, I really didn’t know what to say. So I prayed for you and your family.
And then today, I went out and took some pictures in the rain, and one particular image really jumped out at me. I was looking through my lens when two little raindrops rolled down this little twig and made one big raindrop. It just hung there while I took a few pictures and then I walked away.
As soon as I saw that image pop up on my computer screen, I knew that even though I don’t “know” you, I was reminded of these two special babies. I hope you don’t think I’m a weird stalker or anything. I just wanted to tell you this and that I’ll be thinking of you and your family.
http://www.twelve-paws.com/index.php/2009/02/27/sometimes/
Take care,
Keli
What a lovely, peaceful day with nothing important to do but honor and remember our “baby boys”. I know they loved it too. You are so wise to spend the day as you did.
Beth, You sound so content in this post and I am so glad you had a good day! Thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family!
I’m so glad your day was what it was supposed to be. I’ve never met you but I think of James and Jake, (and Ariel and Racecar), more than you would imagine a perfect stranger would. But you paint them so beautifully and have been kind enough to share your story. I see them in lots of places.
I am just glad that your day went perfect amidst the storm outside. I am also happy that you have found peace after your loss. Continue to be strong and surely you will be able to face each day with deeper appreciation of all your blessings. Wish you and your family the best.
I’m so glad that your day was perfect. You deserve nothing less. I hope Racecar’s headache didn’t turn into anything more. Have a great weekend.
I just visited your blog for the first time today after reading your tweet about Blogher. You write so tenderly about your precious James and Jake. Just wanted you to know my prayers are with you as you remember that day a year ago.
And oh my goodness would that crab hat picture of me go away?? Apparently I uploaded it years ago and have yet to take it down. A bit of comic relief if you will.
YEAH FOR YOUR DAY! Those were some fun storms. I have always been thankful that my kids seem to sleep right through them, even though it sounded like my bedroom was going to ripped right off the house.
I did my part