Wait for it
ByI was just waiting to miscarry.
I was cautiously excited at the idea that I was a little bit closer to maybe having another child, but I think I knew that something bad would happen. or maybe I just convinced myself that something bad would happen. All I know is that something bad did happen, but we weren’t shocked by it, not like we were with our precious James and Jake.
I really, truly miss them with every piece of me. I miss everything about them, from watching them together on the ultrasound screen, to loving the idea of having them in our lives, I miss holding their little lifeless bodies in our arms because during those moments we were physically their parents, they were ours. The further time slips away, the further they seem to slip away and I can’t stand it.
And they’re still ours. I know this and Brian knows this, we constantly think about how old they would be or what our lives would be like if they were with us. Sometimes we communicate it verbally but mostly it’s with our eyes.
I can’t explain or even understand why any of this has happened, it’s like I live in a world all alone where people think they understand, people try to understand but seldom really do. Few are actually in this stupid, unspoken club. And I’m glad for these people, I actually love the fact that so many people don’t know what it’s like to feel like I do inside. Because it’s painful and I don’t want anyone to feel pain like this and when people do, even I don’t know what to do.
We become mothers the minute we learn we are pregnant. The dreams, the love, the fears, the apprehension are all weaved together to create motherhood. And sometimes those dreams don’t come true and the fear does come true and for other others their dreams do come true and their fears don’t come true, it’s all so complicated. So beautiful. So painful.
I don’t know why me and I don’t know why not me. I’ve said that all along. But what is really pissing me off is that during this past pregnancy, the one that ended just one week ago, I was never able to enjoy it. I was guarded, I was scared, I did not want to have MY LIFE thrown upside down IN AN INSTANT like what happened with James and Jake.
So, I just waited for the pregnancy to end. I waited to bleed. And I did. I waited to not see a heartbeat and we didn’t. I waited to hear the I’m sorry’s all over again and we heard them.
I did not dare to dream. And I’m not sure I ever will.
This pregnancy had it’s warning signs all throughout, so I’m certain that is is part of the reason why I felt a miscarriage was going to happen. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Even though you would think I was prepared for the worst, I wasn’t. I’m sitting here wondering how we got here. How is it that one year ago right now, I was blissfully pregnant with identical twin boys and now? Our lives are so different.
It hurts. But what hurts the most right now is knowing that maybe my body just can’t do this anymore.
My heart is breaking tonight.
Many hugs sent to you.
Beth: You break my heart with your pure, honest and beautiful posts… Sending thoughts and prayers, Destiny
I just want to say how truly sorry I am for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Your posts are always full of such emotion, we all can’t help but cry with you. Hugs for you *hugs*
*hugs*
[...] blogger named Beth who I met last weekend briefly who had lost her pregnancy just a week ago. Her whole post spoke to me, but especially this little bit: We become mothers the minute we learn we are [...]
My heart breaks for you.
When I got pregnant again after I miscarried I would panic at all the DR’s visits expecting him to tell me that I had miscarried again. I would wait to start bleeding and pray everytime we went to the DR to hear the heartbeat. It was not until I could feel my daughter move that I actually started to relax a little. But when she did not move I would push on my belly to get a reaction from her. I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I did not want to feel the pain again of losing another baby. I don’t know if I ever truely relaxed until after I gave birth but I did start to enjoy being pregnant. I still think about that little boy I lost. I think about how old he would be and what he would be doing. I look at the ultrasound photo that was taken at the first DR’s visit now and then. He will be a part of me forever.
Thank you for sharing you story so that people who have not gone through this will find some understanding in the feeling of loss others have after they have miscarried. Also, for letting those of us who have miscarried know that we are not alone and that they are not the only one who thinks about the child that would have been.
Oh, Beth. How painful. I am so sorry. I have a friend, Ashley, who’s ‘just waiting to miscarry’ right now…she’s due in August…and been told that the baby’s not growing, and they couldn’t find a heartbeat, and she’s been told she’ll miscarry. I can’t imagine that painful wait.
First of all, I just love your blog. Your posts are so honest and heartfelt that i feel like i know you. I also suffered miscarriages, three including a set of twins, albeit late in the 1st trimester so still relatively early on. I absolutely remember “waiting to bleed” every time after the first one…so when i did miscarry it was with a mix of “i knew it!” and “i cannot believe this is happening again!” I actually think I was more shocked when it worked and I finally had two amazing little boys back to back – within 12 months of each other. The hardest thing to do was letting go of the fear that it could happen again…you really never do. It puts parenting in a whole different perspective for me. I get frsutrated but man, I sure do cherish and am amazing by every little tiny cell that makes up their bodies. Anyway, thanks for sharing and I really hope you start to feel better soon. Sigh.