I was just waiting to miscarry.
I was cautiously excited at the idea that I was a little bit closer to maybe having another child, but I think I knew that something bad would happen. or maybe I just convinced myself that something bad would happen. All I know is that something bad did happen, but we weren’t shocked by it, not like we were with our precious James and Jake.
I really, truly miss them with every piece of me. I miss everything about them, from watching them together on the ultrasound screen, to loving the idea of having them in our lives, I miss holding their little lifeless bodies in our arms because during those moments we were physically their parents, they were ours. The further time slips away, the further they seem to slip away and I can’t stand it.
And they’re still ours. I know this and Brian knows this, we constantly think about how old they would be or what our lives would be like if they were with us. Sometimes we communicate it verbally but mostly it’s with our eyes.
I can’t explain or even understand why any of this has happened, it’s like I live in a world all alone where people think they understand, people try to understand but seldom really do. Few are actually in this stupid, unspoken club. And I’m glad for these people, I actually love the fact that so many people don’t know what it’s like to feel like I do inside. Because it’s painful and I don’t want anyone to feel pain like this and when people do, even I don’t know what to do.
We become mothers the minute we learn we are pregnant. The dreams, the love, the fears, the apprehension are all weaved together to create motherhood. And sometimes those dreams don’t come true and the fear does come true and for other others their dreams do come true and their fears don’t come true, it’s all so complicated. So beautiful. So painful.
I don’t know why me and I don’t know why not me. I’ve said that all along. But what is really pissing me off is that during this past pregnancy, the one that ended just one week ago, I was never able to enjoy it. I was guarded, I was scared, I did not want to have MY LIFE thrown upside down IN AN INSTANT like what happened with James and Jake.
So, I just waited for the pregnancy to end. I waited to bleed. And I did. I waited to not see a heartbeat and we didn’t. I waited to hear the I’m sorry’s all over again and we heard them.
I did not dare to dream. And I’m not sure I ever will.
This pregnancy had it’s warning signs all throughout, so I’m certain that is is part of the reason why I felt a miscarriage was going to happen. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
Even though you would think I was prepared for the worst, I wasn’t. I’m sitting here wondering how we got here. How is it that one year ago right now, I was blissfully pregnant with identical twin boys and now? Our lives are so different.
It hurts. But what hurts the most right now is knowing that maybe my body just can’t do this anymore.
My heart is breaking tonight.
God bless you, Beth. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. Please just know that you’re loved & you & your angel babies are always in our thoughts & prayers.
Love, love, love. I’ve been, not where you are, but in that vicinity and it’s horrible. It hurts. I wish I could take it away for a little while.
I’m still praying for you…
I can offer you prayers and hope. Several years after losing Ellie and Kate I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had been blessed with more children, but somehow I couldn’t fully enjoy them because I was so afraid of losing them. It took a long time, but I finally realized that YES it was possible to have my heart broken again, but not enjoying them each day wasn’t a solution. This process is so unbearably painful, and I have to believe (I need to believe) answers will continue to surface as time passes. Thinking of you and wishing you the strength you need to fight another day.
Praying for you, Beth! As you miss your little boys and as you long for another baby.
I have 3 girls. Between 2 and 3, I had an early miscarriage. I knew from the beginning something wasn’t right. i just knew. Just like you.
Then 6 weeks later, I was pregnant again. And that time, I knew. I knew this one was going to be fine. I just knew. And I was right.
Praying God blesses you soon with a healthy baby!!
Sweet Beth, I wish I was there to give you a big hug and tell you that everything will be okay. When I had my miscarriage, I also knew from the start that something was wrong. I don’t know how, but I did. Although I was devastated by the miscarriage, I wasn’t surprised. I pray for you every day and ask God to give you another beautiful, healthy baby. With all the people who love and pray for you, it’s going to happen. I truly believe it!
I’m so sorry that you know this pain, that your heart is broken. I hope one day soon you’ll have the joy of a growing belly and a healthy baby. And when the time comes, I pray that you’ll be able to live in the moment and enjoy the feeling.
I love you. I feel like that’s all I can say to bring comfort to you, and I hope it helps, just a little. You are loved. You are amazing. You are my friend.
Sending you soul-filled love. I need to see you soon so that I can start giving you some of the 40 million hugs I have for you. Love to you…
I am SO sorry that you have to endure such heartache.
I’m so, so sorry. You are right, NO ONE should have to go through that. No one.
I seriously hate what you’re having to feel and go through, but I know it’s normal. I wish that your pain and doubt would be lifted. It will happen, give yourself time. Love you Beth!
Hugs to you.
It tears me up that you have to go through this. I am thinking of you and praying for a healing heart.
Like Christy, I hope for the day when you can feel the joy of a baby kicking in your growing belly. A day when you realize that your body can do this. Love.
I so wish you didn’t have to know this pain. I pray that you and your body will be able to do this again and that you will enjoy every single second of it with no fear. I know it doesn’t even seem possible but I will pray for it anyway. Beth, you are an amazing woman.
After 2 miscarriages between my oldest 2 children, I also gave up that blissful ignorance during pregnancy. I spent every minute of my last 2 pregnancies waiting, just like you described. I’m not sure there’s a way to avoid that pattern of thinking after having 2 miscarriages.
I didn’t think my body could do it either. I thought my oldest would be an only child. I was convinced of it.
It sucks. I’m sorry.
I am so sorry you are hurting. I had an early miscarriage too, at about 6 weeks and about a month later I was pregnant again! She is now 3 and I cannot imagine not having her in my life. At the time, I was devastated, but when I look at her, I am thankful. I understand those feelings and doubts about your body’s ability. I have no idea why these things happen. All I do know is that God is capable of offering a comfort that nothing else can. I pray now, as I did when I met you for that Peace and Comfort that can only come from him. Sometimes, it’s all we’ve got to cling to because nothing makes sense. We may not understand, but I am confident that he does.
Biggest hug to you! I am sorry you are hurting.
I’m so sorry. You’re in my prayers.
My heart breaks for you today. I have not been in your situation, per se, but getting pregnant and pregnancy has not been an easy road for me. Pregnancy and children are a blessing – a gift really. I’m praying for you.
Oh honey, you are right to mourn, even if it is something you didn’t even think you had. Hearts are fragile, no matter how much we try to keep them from breaking.
HUGS
i am so sorry you have had to go through all of this. I am praying for you.
I am praying that you won’t feel broken anymore.
Steph
Oh, I’m feeling so bad for you. This is certainly a tough time; I’m not sure anything I can say would help. And I feel terrible for that. So I’m just sending more prayers for you.
I’m sooooo sorry! I had one miscarriage. I don’t wish that pain on anyone. My prayers are with you.
Beth, You are STRONG! You are Beautiful! You are Blessed! Pregnancy will bless you again and you will hold a strong, beautiful, blessed baby in your arms. I truly believe this with my whole heart! You are in my thoughts.
Hi,
Let me just say that I am sad that I didn’t really get a chance to meet up with everyone I wanted to at Blissdom.
Had I known about your (very recent) loss, I would have made sure I found you, and gave you a huge hug. Girl, I have absolutely no idea what it would be like losing your precious twins. But, I did have a miscarriage 14 years ago. At 12 weeks. And a D&C, and all that happens following the procedure. In fact, my baby was due to be born on Valentine’s day, and every year around this time, my mind likes to wonder what would ‘she’ have been like? No, did not know it was a girl. I just felt that she was. And since I have 3 sons now, I’m even more convinced that she was my “Veronica.”
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. However, I think it’s fabulous that you are talking freely about it. I so wish that I had someone to talk about it back then. As fate would have it, my sister had her first baby on the day of my D&C. I went straight from the surgery to visit my beautiful godchild. My sister didn’t even know that I had been pregnant, and I wasn’t going to tell her right then, on what was one of the happiest days of her life. But when I when I got to her hospital room, and she said (kind of annoyed), “What took you so long?” I nearly crumbled…
**Jeepers! I am so sorry for blabbing on and on in your comment section – talk about inappropriate.**
What I’m tryingto say is:
1) Sorry I missed you at Blissdom.
2) Keep talking…it does help.
3) I am so very sorry about the loss of your babies.
Michelle
I am so sorry. I dont know what to say, but I just want you to know that we care for you and that you have so many prayers being lifted up for you and your family.
Beth–
You know what I love about you? I love your ability to just “be” where you are. And how you manage to be so many things for your friends in the midst of your tragedies. You love with everything in you. When you are happy, your entire body is happy and you manage to make everyone around you happy (I can tell from reading your comments and your friend’s blogs.) On a good day, you cherish every single thing about that day. On a bad day, you allow yourself to grieve and you don’t feel bad about it or try to change the mood. You are just in the moment–no matter what the moment brings.
You’re gonna get through this. You are so strong. Your babies are not forgotten. I think about you–and them–all the time.
To everyone: thank you so much for your comments. They change me, they fuel me, they fill me with such love and hope, more than any words could ever express. The fact that you all come here each day to read what’s on my mind and in my heart means more to me than you could ever, ever imagine.
Honestly, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. But I am so, so sorry for your pain, for this gutwrenching journey life has taken you on. I hope and pray that God will carry you and Brian through this. Huggs.
Now I am crying along with you. I do not know what to say. I am praying for you and your family. Praying for you to heal, praying for you to find your children, praying for you to not be so guarded in the times when you should feel joy. I am so sorry and I wish I could do or say something better than that. God Bless.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. I heard about you and your blog last weekend at Blissdom and now I read this. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But I will pray for you and your family.
I’m so sorry! The song going through my head after reading this is “Anyway” by Martina McBride. Your heart may break, but do it anyway. Pray and dream…
I’m so sorry – sending hugs and prayers to you.
Lots of prayers. I’ve been there three times. My latest due date would have been this week. I still don’t know the right thing to say. But I think the most important thing I’ve learned is that you’re grateful for the days that are almost back to the way things use to be. And that it’s okay to be sad and cry and question everything on those days that should have been.
Anyway, you have provided me something that no one else has and that is comfort knowing that all my feelings, irrational or not, are normal. I pray for you and for anyone who has been through this pain to still have hope. Thank you for being so open about what you are going through.
Beth, my thoughts and prayers are with you right now. I wish for some rays of sunshine to head your way. While I can’t imagine the loss it was for you when you lost Jake and James, I can relate to the miscarriage. I’ve had two and my heart breaks for you. Just keep hanging on as you always do. You have a great talent for expressing yourself and taking advantage of the outlet you’ve created.
I am so sorry. I wish there was more I could say. I will offer up a prayer for you and your family.
Beth, I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in and hope you manage to settle into some peace with all of this.
The March of Dimes has created a sensitive and caring bereavement kit for familes who have suffered a loss. Many people have found it helpful. You can read about it, or even order a free copy, at this link: http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp.
We’re thinking of you.
My heart is breaking with you. I’m so sorry you had to endure this again. Your head may have been prepared but not your heart. Hugs and prayers are coming your way.
I too have held my child in my arms. I understand. I’m sorry.
Oh Beth I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this heartbreak and loss. I’m thinking of you.
I am so sorry your heart is broken. Love you.
I have never commented before but just wanted you to know you are in my prayers!
You have been heavy in my thoughts lately. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not fair, it hurts and it just plain sucks.
Losing a child is just terrible, and to lose 3…my heart is breaking for you my friend.
Keep writing, keep talking, keep crying. These are all things your soul desperately needs.
Hugs across the blog world.
Don’t give up on your body yet. If you truly want more children, give yourself a little time and try again. I had a miscarriage before my first and then after. I was scared that I would never have another. I got pregnant pretty quickly and all went fine. It was hard to trust that all would go fine and I was so guarded during that pregnancy. I think that having a miscarriage is a little like losing your innocence. If you are one of those lucky people who just get pregnant and have a healthy baby, you know intellectually that things can go wrong, but, until you see that ultrasound screen with no more beating heart, you don’t REALLY know and understand it. And you are forever changed by what you’ve been through. You’re right — you won’t easily trust the next pregnancy. You will worry and you will probably make your doctor check for heartbeats more often than you did with Ariel and Racecar. But that’s okay. Because I’m willing to bet that, next time, that heartbeat (or those heartbeats!) will be there each time you check and you will have a healthy baby again.
I think you know that I am always praying for you. Ever since that day I read your blog and found out that James and Jake were no longer here, and instead little angel boys, I have been lifting you up.
I know God’s plan is SO VERY hard to understand at times. Trust me, I know. I’m sorry you are having to go through this, for whatever reason. I wish I could hug you in person and tell you how much my heart goes out to you. And I wish that you could have peace and I hope that you feel the frienship and love we are sending out to you Beth. Hugs and Love,
Elaine
I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. It just doesn’t seem right. You seem like such a rad mommy.
Hugs to you.
Oh Beth, I’m so sorry you’re going through this again. My heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could do to help.
Beth, part of me knows almost exactly how you feel. If my sister were here, how would life would be different? How would I be different? And I can’t help but to think this even today. Every time my family gets together. But also know, with time, healing will come and the pain you feel now won’t be as painful. For now, surround yourself with the amazing people who love you.
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you had those feelings. One of my friends felt the same way during her second pregnancy, and it ended with a miscarriage. The next time she became pregnant, she didn’t have those feelings anymore. She rationally understood that another miscarriage was a possibility, but she said that she just felt very calm and certain that things would work out okay… and they did!
I hope you can feel that one day too.