This week has been a challenge for me emotionally. Maybe it’s the time of year that’s bringing me down, maybe it’s the fact that I’m NOT pregnant right now when I’d love to be, maybe it’s that I’m on my period or maybe it’s that winter is clinging on to this area for dear life.
Maybe it’s all of the above.
Either way, I take my life and my grief month by month, week by week, day by day…second by second. I think a lot. I breathe a lot. I curse a lot. I can typically make myself feel better. And when I can’t, I usually just go to bed and sleep away the sadness.
I’ve been craving signs from James and Jake. All last spring and summer, every single day I was flooded with signs from them. Two beautiful butterflies would always come flying right in front of my face, almost every time I would step outside. (witnesses! I have witnesses!) Birds would always be in pairs and would always be nearby. The sounds of birds chirping while lying in bed was enough to blanket me with peace, even if just for a moment. The breeze would speak to me and I could almost feel their breath, their comfort…my healing with the breeze.
And then winter arrived and my signs disappeared and I had to search elsewhere for little (but big!) signs of comfort.
On Wednesday, Brian and I took Racecar to the doctor. While sitting in the doctor’s office, the nurse poked her head out into the waiting room and said “James.” I smiled inside and thought, how lucky he is that his name is James. Then five minutes later a “Jake” was called back. The entire time we were there, no other names were called.
Just James and just Jake. I pointed it out to Brian and I can only describe it as both of us just feeling loved. And we are.
I’m excited to see the magic again. I know some of you, the skeptics, are reading this and thinking that maybe I’m a little bit crazy and that’s okay. But something tells me, that if you looked close enough, you would see the magic, too.
Maybe it’s all made up and in my head, that these pairs are just coincidental and not really signs at all, that the songs of the birds aren’t really meant for us. But, that’s okay, because I think they are for us and it makes me feel better. These signs bring me peace in my heart.
Right now, for me, the best things in life come in two.
Beth, I don’t think you’re crazy. I think they are definite signs- beautiful ones. I hope they keep coming.
I believe that James and Jake are with you every single day, in so many ways, and that none of those things are made up or imagined in your head. Sometimes I wonder if we don’t all have these signs, telling us that those we’ve lost are with us, but maybe we’re just not as good at allowing our eyes to be as open as you do. More than anything, I hope with all of my heart that a day will never pass without you seeing these signs, even the days when you want nothing more than to pull the blankets over your head. I love you.
There will be signs of James & Jake everywhere around you. The signs are and will be very real, not imagined – you’re very much NOT crazy!!
Adorable picture of your children!! Is Ariel an Aspiring photographer?
I don’t think you are crazy – not a bit. Trust me when I say that I always feel like I see signs, or indications of my lost babies and just when I don’t think that I could feel any lower, I swear I receive a sign of encouragement from my father. I firmly believe that our loved ones that can not be with us in the physical presence, are always looking out for us in the spiritual sense. I have to believe that and I never let anyone take that away from me. And when they try to, I always remark at how lucky they must be to have never experienced a devastating loss. It is probably not the nicest of things to say, but I can’t stop the bitterness nor resentment when someone try to take away my comfort.
As I read this a smile grew and so did a feeling of peace. Yes, signs are all around. I love you beth.
i was going to say exactly what debi did….i felt such a smile growing and complete peace at the end of this post.
i’m so thankful you are aware of these special glimpses of james and jake that God is giving you.
happy Good Friday.
OK……I just got chills. I totally believe things like this happen for a reason. When you talked about the doctor’s office visit and them calling a ‘James’ and a ‘Jake’, tears started to fill my eyes. Someone wants you to remember these beautiful angels of yours. I so happy that you are filled with happiness for the reminders of James and Jake! You’ll soon be overwhelmed with more as spring approaches and ‘life’ begins again. ENJOY every ‘little’ moment! Good luck with the pregnancy wishes too. Maybe your body is just waiting for you to be happy with your weight. ‘They’ say it’s always good to be at your healthiest when want to get pregnant!! So keep on shredding!!!
Hi
i just wanted to comment on such a beautiful, open and honest post. I have been reading your Blog for a few months now and only recently became aware of your loss. I am so sorry and just want to say that our dear ones do stay with us when they go. the energy they had in this life goes to the next but they watch over us and are always by our side. I know it may sound crazy but i am a big believer in the fact that this life is a mere “rite of passage” for the next one and in the next one we will all be together and happy happy happy. In a sense, those that go first are the chosen. They are the loved ones. The ones Jesus wants to spend more time with
Not crazy at all. For the longest time after we lost a friend we would see signs. It was a comfort, something we all needed at that point.
I don’t think you’re crazy at all! I’m glad you see the signs where some would just blow them off.
I see signs, I see well…I’ve seen…hmm…how do I say this. I’ve had visions and experienced things I can’t explain. I believe that it is them. Just saying hello…we’re still here…we always will be.
That post was inspired … and I agree that magic is and miracles are there if we are willing and wanting to see them.
What a beautiful post! {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}
I haven’t cried here in a while. I was due. This is beautiful.
I do think they are all meant for you.
Steph
There’s no harm in looking and finding signs of those precious boys in the world around you. It makes you more aware, more vigilant, and more present. Keep watching! They’re there.
I absolutely believe! I’m glad you do too and that it gives you comfort. You by no means are crazy. Not one little bit. Have a very blessed Easter and keep looking for the signs because they are there.
You forgot a picture of you and Brian.
You two are a stronger pair than many and your blessings are abundant.
Happy Easter, lady.
I am a believer
When I scrolled down to see your two earthly blessings the tears started flowing.
I just love you–and I believe!
Happy Easter, Beth!
Oh my goodness, Beth!! Awhile back ago, maybe like a month or so, the family and I were just driving back home from running errands. It was quiet in the car (pretty unusual) and then I looked up and saw 2 birds sitting on a telephone wire. Just by themselves, over a highway. I immediately thought of James and Jake! I’ve been meaning to tell you this ever since it happened, but I guess God knew that you would need to hear this now instead of then. ((HUGS))
It’s been a tough week for me too… thank you for this post – it reminds me to look for those signs I need to let me know that I’m not alone.
I definitely don’t think you’re crazy, in fact I think you are right on target.
Signs are everywhere. It’s those little or even big signs that get us through hard times. It’s showing us that somewhere out there in this big world, someone is watching down on us. And it just so happens, that your “someone” comes in a pair.
There’s no doubt. They are with you. And although you don’t NEED reminders, they show up occasionally to let you know they’re thinking of you all the time. And your pictures are unbelievably beautiful.
When you have faith, you see the signs you’re looking for; that you’re needing to see. It’s not coincidence, it’s faith. Keep looking, they’re there when you least expect them.
Beth, your baby boys are reaching out to you and it warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. In this moment, right now, I’m so thankful for my three son’s. I think your twins legacy (at least part of it) is that they are bringing Mother’s and Father’s everywhere closer to their children. I can’t imagine anyone reading your blog posts, their story, and not feeling like running to their children and loving on them.
I don’t think you are crazy, not even a little bit. I believe in signs and they power they bring. These shots are poetic and inspiring and hopeful. I know I’ll never see pairs the same way again.
you are not crazy.
I rarely comment (I’m new to all of this), but I just had to tell you that your post really touched me. I have had similar experiences with butterflies and birds! I lost a family member in a car accident when I was a teenager. For many years after, ANY time I was frightened or saddened, a butterfly would land on me and stay with me until my anxiety passed. I’m not talking once or twice…..many times this happened! Too many times to explain it away or call it coincidence. I found much hope and comfort in these signs and hope you continue experience them! Thank you so much for sharing your life.
I feel that the sign both you and Brian received was the biggest sign so far that those boys are with you. I believe in signs and fate. What a beautiful sign right before Easter. Thinking of you!
Beth,
What a beautiful post. Being the mom of 2 preemies, one of which now has significant special needs we have come to know and love several children who we have unfortunately lost along our journey. Your words are poetic. There will be many more signs along the way, I’m sure. Happy Easter.
Hugs!
Oh Beth, this was simply beautiful. I do believe in signs and that sure was one. It brought chills to hear that story. What precious pictures in pairs.
Not crazy at all, Beth. I believe they are all signs for you from your beautiful boys. I have a feeling they will always be there!
Beth,
That really is beautiful…I pray that God continues to pour signs out for you and fills your womb again, all in His perfect time…
I have no doubt these experiences you have are truly coming straight from God & your two beautiful angels, James & Jake. It’s comforting to know that when our loved ones aren’t here with us physically, that they are here spiritually & emotionally. I love knowing that they’ll never truly leave us. I’ll be honest, I’m not sure I’d ever give much thought to these signs before. But after reading your post, I’m definitely a believer. Thank you for opening my eyes & my heart.
I don’t believe in coincidences…
More like Godly assignments….
Virtual Hug…. and affirmations that you have 2 of the most precious angels in your midst…….
I saw your tweet about them calling James and Jake at the doctor and I just smiled really big. God’s signs are amazing, aren’t they?
I enjoyed your pictures of pairs and I hope you all had a nice Easter.
I haven’t popped into comment lately, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. Meeting you days after your difficult week at Blissdom, is ever more a reminder that grief and encouragement comes in so many forms.
Not the least of which… the “PAIR” of you and Brian… who created all the “pairs” to come…
I believe.
I completely believe in signs and I especially think that yours are real.
I don’t think you’re crazy one bit. I believe God gives us signs to let us know our loved ones are taken care of and are still with us. My heart grieves for your loss, but I am so encouraged to read this post.
I have never left a comment on anyone’s blog before, but after reading this post I felt compelled to tell you how moved I was. I am new to the world of blogs, but stumbled across yours as I followed a path and found you on someone else’s blog who’d been to Disney with you. I liked the title, so I came on over. The ironic thing is, tonight I (and my sister) learned that her twins have twin to twin transfusion (she’s 24 weeks pregnant). I haven’t read enough to know exactly what happened with your babies, but I think I needed some inspiration and hope and I found it here. I don’t want to post a long story here, but I think I’ll blog about it at my website and I’d love if you’d come read it… I actually just started it and haven’t even told anyone about it, but I’d really love if you were my first visitor!
Anyhow, this is beautiful. Thank you.
I just found your blog and this post in your archives. I just wanted to say that forget the skeptics because the signs your boys have sent you are real!
I lost my son Samuel when he was 6 weeks old and, in the first year after losing him, I heard little whispers from him always when I needed them most.
The words you wrote about feeling peace from the signs that your boys sent you and your husband is something I identify with. And you did a beautiful job explaining it!!
You and your family will be in my prayers!