I often think about how lucky some people are. They get pregnant easily, multiple times, they have healthy pregnancies, picture perfect births and then directly after, they bring their newborns home to begin their lives together. To those people, it’s just the way it’s supposed to be.
In my life, my experience has been something different. My niece was born at 32 weeks, my nephew had a collapsed lung, both of my children were pre-mature and had to be intubated to help them BREATHE, my sister lost a baby at 22 weeks and also at 17 weeks and then, we lost James and Jake at 19 weeks.
All of these losses and all of these difficult beginnings are impossible to understand. Especially when you are surrounded by people who have not only never experienced anything “abnormal” but who also have no idea how lucky they really are.
Ariel and Racecar both had a scary start to their lives, both were intubated and in the NICU for the first few weeks of their little lives. With both of our babies, we left the hospital with an empty car seat, fastened securely in the back seat, while our babies were in the care of a NICU team.
Without the March of Dimes, their research and their commitment to bringing healthy babies into this world, we just aren’t sure where Ariel and Racecar would be without them.
Losing James and Jake, combined with Ariel and Racecars’ troubled start, we can’t help but feel like the March of Dimes NEEDS us, just like we needed them. After losing James and Jake, the March of Dimes reached out ot me in a very thoughtful way, offering their resources and support. I can tell you from experience that this organization is vital and needs thoughtful, caring people, just like you and me, to help continue it’s mission.
We have these things that James and Jake touched. They PHYSICALLY touched. Even though they could not feel it and even though the moment was so brief, we have these items to hold forever.
We have this box of memories, which I open only when I can handle the darkness and the depths of our grief. Which is very, very rare.
We have our love for them which is bigger than you could ever comprehend, even though we never spoke, we never looked into each other’s eyes, we still loved so much, we still connected. We still had our dreams.
And we have this drive to make sure that our children, our grandchildren and our great-grandchildren never, ever have to experience the pain that we’ve endured in our lives.
I often think about how lucky people are, that they never had to experience the complications and difficulties that pregnancy and motherhood can bring. But more so, I think about how lucky I am that I know the difference, that I know just how lucky I really am. And because of that, I’m going to give back.
Please don’t wait for something to happen directly to you or a loved one. Become an advocate for our future. Please make a donation, even $5 makes a difference. Our team goal this year is $5,000, we are halfway there.
If you live in Northwest Indiana and would like to walk on Sunday, April 26th, we would be honored to have you walking with us, in honor of James and Jake, Lydia Grace, my niece and nephew and a fellow walker’s beautiful daughter, Allison Jane. And Maddie.
Sometimes, you’re the lucky one. And sometimes, you’re not.
beautiful, moving post
I hope that you reach your goal this year.
Beth, you’re so right. I’ve been one of the “lucky” ones with getting pregnant, pregnancy’s and birth. And although we’ve had babies with Jaundice and our oldest had many different delays and issues, I still know how lucky we really are. And how we need to help those who aren’t quite as lucky. Somehow, through your posts and pictures and words and love, I know your little ones you’ve lost, and they make me smile.
Beth:
This is such a beautiful post. Everytime I read a post you have written, you touch my life in so many different ways. Life is never easy. As I have said before, we will never know why we were chose to go on this “journey” in our lives, but doing the things that you do will only makes things better for other people. I would love to join you on the walk this year. Let me see what I have going on and I will get back to you. How many walkers do you have this year.
Tears were flowing as I read this post. You are so right..there are so many lucky people in this world and they never realize how hard things can be when you are not chosen to walk through a “journey” in their lives. Why?? That will always be the answer that we all ask, but will never understand.
All my love,
Shantel
As always, beautiful. And touching. And poignant. And heartfelt.
I tried donating a few days ago when you sent the email, but I kept having problems. I’ll try again this afternoon.
This is painful and beautiful.
i love that everyone has a story….i love that each one is so uniquely different. but, i especially love that even when one’s story isn’t what society would deem as “lucky” or “blessed” or “fairytale”, they realize just how lucky they are to learn to truly cherish everything.
this is what i instantly loved with you. yes, you constantly feel the depth of your grief…yet you embrace it, grow with it, and still love and cherish despite it.
i will be praying for you on your special walk.
I have been truly blessed with getting pregnant the first time we tried, a (somewhat) easy pregnancy, super easy birth and a perfect little girl. I’ve never taken it for granted though, because of the friends and family that have been touched in this way that makes me cherish every moment with my daughter. Yes, even the times when she won’t stop screaming at 2am and I haven’t slept in 24 hours. Because she can breathe by herself and make those noises.
Thank you for the reminder. I’ve donated again. Only a few dollars, but every bit helps.
Beth,
Every time I read one of your posts about Jake and James I never know what to say. My heart breaks knowing that you along with so many other people have gone through this kind of loss. Words can never truly say how sorry I am for your loss.
That being said – To help you reach your goal I am going to auction off one of my art pieces on my blog . All money raised will go to your March of Dimes cause.
It will take me a few minutes to get it posted but it’s the least I can do.
http://400milesaway.blogspot.com/
I am one of those lucky ones. I was one of those lucky ones. I get pregnant easily….ever time. So I am lucky. I don’t know the pains of infertility that so many women suffer through. I was one of those women that has big healthy babies, and never knew how lucky I was. Until I didn’t. Until one of my babies was never born. Then I knew. Now I know.
Thank you for putting into better words than I ever could. I made my donation.
What a beautiful post Beth – your words are so eloquent and moving. What a gift.
Beautiful post Beth. You gave me goosebumps.
I will never forget the day my husband and I had to drive away from the hospital in our empty car and leave the twins there. We were both sobbing. But, I am lucky… our babies were home with us a week later.
XOXO
While I wasn’t one of the luckiest, I am luckier than most. I can’t imagine laboring for silence at the end. I can’t imagine coming home alone, or leaving a child in the NICU. I know that we were blessed beyond measure … I can only pray that my girls will be too when their time comes.
My heart aches for you & Maddie’s mom & Thalon’s mom and my friend Cass who’s had 2 stillbirths ~ I can’t fathom that level of pain. But I can bake really good brownies & bring wine & cry with you (((HUGS)))
I love you and this post.
You’ll so rarely hear me complaining about pregnancy, because I fully realize that I am lucky. I have no trouble getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and delivering healthy babies, and sometimes I just can’t fathom WHY I’m lucky and other people aren’t. It doesn’t seem fair, but I know that it is what it is, and I need count my blessings for it. So promise me, this… if I ever forget how lucky I am, smack me. Hard. I give you total and complete permission.
Beth I love this post. I can hear so much honesty in it – even if it is so very painful.
This is such a lovely, moving post. What a beautiful way to point out to people how vital the March of Dimes is to so many families. I hope you’re able to reach your goal this year!
Beth:
Have you ever considered writing a book? You are a gifted writer with a story to share and the compassion to encourage and bless others who personally know your heartbreak. Unfortunately, as you have pointed out, your story is not one that you alone have known. But … you are making a difference, and sometimes people just need a direction to be pointed in.
Destiny
I am one of the lucky ones. All three of my children spent time in the NICU before coming home from the hospital. I know the fear and pain of leaving them there while I am sent home. But that is where my pain ends. Because I brought them all home.
Beth, your message is heartbreaking, but it is also inspiring. Your writing doesn’t simply inform or encourage…it moves people to action. This is the second time I have spent money because of coming to your blog! It is an honor to support the March of Dimes and to remember along with you those sweet twin boys in the process. I agree with Destiny above: where is that book you should be writing? Because you have something to say.
And just so you know, the first time I spent money here was b/c of your post about The Shred. I just got my DVD in the mail. You should totally get a cut of the proceeds.
Beautiful post, Beth! What a strong, amazing person you are. They say that adversity builds character. You must have the most amazing character.
I donated and so wish that we could walk with you guys. Having given birth to three preemies, I am so passionate about supporting the March of Dimes and do whatever I can in my area.
Stacie
http://www.thedivinemissmommy.com
I have been a “lucky” one and it scares me. The blogworld has taught me so much including how thankful I am and I must never forget how precious life is.
I know I definately feel a sense of fear when someone I know gets pregnant now. I kind of have to stay away bc I can’t help but worry.
We have a box like that for Anna. I almost never get it out but Aidan discovered it recently so it gets opened often lately. I’d never get rid of it but I hate that box. It’s always just sitting there taunting me.
I think one of the heartbreakingly beautiful mysteries of life is that we are ALL lucky, and unlucky, in so many ways, and I think the trick is remaining somewhat cognizant of it without getting “stuck” in it. Some people have happy childhoods, and some are raised in abusive homes. Some people have healthy children, and some can never get pregnant, miscarry, lose their children as toddlers, as young children. Some people are happily married for 50 years, some lose their spouses too young.
The best way to honor the luck and misfortune is to give back – to acknowledge that you have the power and choice to not only cherish the luck you DO have that others do not, but also positively make a difference where you feel you have not been as fortunate. Kudos for doing that so passionately!
It always amazes me that I can come here on a daily basis and be touched and inspired. I’m so proud to be a member of your team. I love you, girl!
I love the picture of the cross because I can see your reflection. It’s as if you’re looking at Jake and James from all different angles.
As a mom of two preemies, I can appreciate the March of Dimes as well. They are an amazing organization. I am so very sorry for your loss.
What a beautiful post, Beth. I’ve been searching for the right words ever since I saw this on my Google reader, but I am one of those lucky ones. So everything I think of saying seems so futile. So empty.
I think of you often. Every time I take my camera on a photo walk, I think of James and Jake. Since meeting you and reading your story, I have an overwhelming appreciation for the daughter I so easily conceived, carried, delivered and brought home 3 days later.
You are on my mind and in my prayers. You and so many others who are dealing with this unimaginable heartbreak.
Oh, those little feet, and those little outfits. I remember that post with those outfits. They are always in my heart, and reading your blog, and grieving Maddie (even though I didn’t even know this blogger I cried myself to sleep two nights in a row, its just not not fair, and her being Capri’s age, I just couldn’t handle it) I’ve hugged Capri more lately, stopped and looked her in the eyes and thanked God for her, and the miracle that is her life. Thank you for reminding me to do this.
I want to walk with you. Can I? What do I do?
This post is very moving. And definitely makes me feel lucky. I think we are all lucky in one way or another. The difference is the people who recognize it and truly become thankful for it.
I will talk to my husband about shirts for James and Jake. Email me @ aaclampitt@gmail.com So I can send him your email address and get the ball rolling. Need to know information like how many and when do you need them by.
I do know, every day, how lucky I am. And it breaks my heart that others have to suffer so much.
Beautifully written and so true. It inspired me to write about my own luck and how the events of this week have opened my eyes. I linked to this post in my own. I hope that is OK.
This was such a beautiful post, Beth. You never fail to make me stop and think, and I thank you for that.
Lots of hugs.
)
You are right Beth – sometimes you’re the lucky one and sometimes you’re not. I’m so sorry that you lost James and Jake, so thankful that you have your two older children and grateful to organizations like The March of Dimes.
This is a beautiful post. Thank you for the reminder of how lucky I really am to have a healthy little girl and a little brother due in just 8 weeks to join her. This pregnancy has been a bit scary but the doctors “think” everything is ok. I hope they are right and if not, I’ll be praying for the strength to walk the road ahead.
What a moving, beautiful post. Your gift of writing with such honesty and love is so inspiring.
I was just watching a segment about the Duggers, the family with 18 beautiful children, and thinking how fortunate they are. All those pregnancies without a loss. They know they’re fortunate and blessed but they just don’t really know.
Seeing those tiny footprints and that box of hopes and dreams really hit home…again.
We all need to support the March of Dimes in the hope that someday no one will suffer losses like these.
Despite wishing you didn’t have to write it…you wrote it so beautifully all the same.
I’ve suffered multiple miscarriages. I seem to have no problem getting pregnant (even when on birth control) but staying pregnant seems to be my problem. They were unexpected pregnancies…but it’s still hard to face. Many of them were early…one was at 10 weeks. And that was when I definitively decided I was done having kids. It really takes its toll.
I would love to join you on the walk but…I live in Kansas so it’s a bit far away. I did donate to Erin, though. I will be thinking of you guys the day of your walk!
I linked to your post, because it saved me sitting here and crying whilst I typed how I felt.
http://itwillallbefine.blogspot.com/2009/04/way-i-feel.html
Thank you. That’s all that I have today – just thank you.
Thanks for such a heartfelt and honest post. We had our daughter at 25 weeks, she spent 2 and a half months in the NICU before coming home. She is now a healthy 6 year old, but we remember so well the fear, the grief, the guilt that goes along with a high risk pregnancy and premature birth. Sharing your pain is a blessing to everyone who reads.
Beth, I hope your team reaches your goal! Your post really hits home for me – my daughter was born at 33 weeks, and we were both “lucky” to survive that trauma. I don’t know why we’re lucky sometimes and at others, we’re not. But I know this: you are doing a beautiful thing by honoring your children with this walk. Good luck with your team!
thank you for sharing such intimate details of your life . . . my heart is aching for you today
[...] Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect:Beth, I hope your team reaches your goal… [...]
So very touching. Thank you for sharing their treasures with us.
Huge hugs to you; thank you so much for sharing your pain, your story, and the inspiration.
I read this post and I immediately added you to my blogroll. Hang in there…hang in there. Keep persevering.
I had a miscarriage, my sister has had two miscarriages and her daughter, Alexis was born 16 weeks premature. She lived for 3 days. Every year since Alexis died (2003), my sister and I have chosen to walk for the March of Dimes. I am very sorry for your loss and I congratulate you on your two beautiful children. My sister now also has two beautiful children, Connor (4), and Raelee (9 months). I, unfortunately, have not been able to conceive since my miscarriage. I suffer from PCOS and it cause major fertility problems. Too many people don’t realize how blessed they are to have healthy babies (or to even be able to have babies). God Bless you and thank you for your commitment to the March of Dimes.
I’m lucky to be your friend. LOVE.
I love reading your blog. I have you on my blog as a favortie to read. I can’t recall ever leaving a comment but today touched me. We had a long visit last night with my brother in law who lives in Oregon til 2 am. We were talking about trials and life’s experiences. When their 3rd child was born they thought everythig was fine. When Coleton turned 5 months they were down for a visit and his eyes looked funny and he wouldn’t react to movement or light. My sister in law mentioned this to them and said they need to get him to an eye specialist. They did as soon as they got back to Oregon. After the doctor examined Coleton, he said that there were a few minor things he detected that could be because of his age and so on. But then he stopped talking and said “What the heck, let’s do an MRI of the brain just to make sure everything is alright”. They agreed and set it up for the next day. During the MRI Debbie (the mother) asked if she could see the films after. The Radiologist said they could. After Coleton was done they waited for awhile and the nurse came out and said that the Films were sent to another doctor, a specialist, to be read so they could not see them. They took Coleton home and with much anticipation, uneasiness, and great sorrow, they figured that their son was blind. The Specialist called them the next day and asked them to drive to Portland and meet with him. They left Coleton with their two other children and met with the Doctor. They were anticipating he would say “I’m sorry your son is blind”. However, he said “I’m sorry there is no easy way to tell you this but your son has major brain damage that will leave him blind, retarded and a vegetable. You will be caring for your son 24/7 changing his diaper til he dies”. It has been a full time job for Debbie caring for him, Dr. visits, physical therapy, feeding tubes, several surgeries, breathing tubes etc. Coleton is now 10 years old. He recognizes movement, knows his family and laughs and smiles all the time. I’ve seen him 3 times in 10 years. What an angel! However I had no idea the full story or the impact this had on them. My heart broke as Blair was telling us.
We talk of trials in our individual lives and how hard they are, but he said to us “You guys have not had your TRAIL yet. Their dad died after a long fight of cancer; that was his trial. Blair and Debbie caring for Coleman, that is their trial. We will all experience our TRIAL in this life. Why? because during our TRIALS we turn to our loving Father in Heaven for help. We grow closer to him, we learn to trust Him and thru that love and trust we can help others along life’s path. I know that families can be together forever. Their is life after death and you will see your boys again. Good luck with your cute family and I wish you the best.
I’ve been “lucky” with my pregnancies and babies so far and I pray this one goes as well. However, I have witnessed two of my nephews born quite premature at 24 and 25 weeks. It’s a long, hard road but I do believe the March of Dimes is a wonderful support for parents going through such pain and sometimes yes, loss.
You know I’m so very sorry that you lost your precious boys and I know you cherish the two sweet, beautiful children that reside within your walls every day.
Here’s to Team James and Jake and all the babies you walk for…
[...] 2009 at 3:44 pm | In Uncategorized | No Comments My friend Beth would call me one of the “lucky ones“, and she’s right. I was very blessed with my pregnancy. I got pregnant easily [...]
What a nice post. You’re right, most of us don’t realize how blessed we are. I’m truly sorry about the loss of your boys. We are blessed with five grandchildren, after three miscarriages and a preemie birth. Life is a struggle and a blessing. Hugs to you and your chidren.