Today has been a really good day for my family. We even shredded together this morning which was incredibly cute, especially when Racecar sat down on the couch midway through the 20 minute video and very seriously said “man, my muscles are so big,” while rubbing his arm.
We tackled and completed a lot of projects. One of the things I’ve been meaning to do is to send out an email to my March for Babies team and to potential donors for Team James & Jake.
I was overwhelmed by the strong emotions that continued to overcome me as I sifted through pictures from last year and then wrote words into an email that came directly from my heart. From pride, to sadness, to fear…so many emotions to feel in one evening. So many emotions that I’m not mentioning.
I look back on this day that was productive but relaxing, sweet and fun and I can’t help but picture myself coming into ths leaving room after putting dinner into the oven to kiss on James’ sweet lips or smell Jake’s chubby neck. It’s a reality of mine that I am very much facing that those images are just that…images. My imagination.
Tonight just affirmed for me, while looking at pictures of me while pregnant with James and Jake, just how lucky I was to be their Mommy.
Their little family, me, their Daddy, Ariel and Racecar love them so much and I do believe that they can feel our love.
And I also believe that they love us right back.
Right now that’s all I really need.
You have such a simple yet profound why of expressing your hurt and sadness about James and Jake. I love how you express the real life day to day pain you still feel, will forever feel, at the lose of your boys. Beth, please remember that you have a RIGHT to your feelings and we, your faithful readers love holding space for you to share those feelings.
I just want to hug you Beth. You have helped me deal with a hurt that will be 38 years old on the 17th of this month. I cannot put into words what you have done for me. But I can say thank you and send you my love dear beth. debi
I love your heart Beth. You have such a way to express yourself, and show that the hurt is healing, but still very real everyday.
Hugs!
I also love your heart, Beth. I love how I can just feel the intensity of your love for your kids in your posts. They are all lucky to have you for their mom. I also believe that James and Jake can feel your love and love you right back. I’m crushed that you all can’t love on each other in person right now, though. Still praying for all of you…
Oh Beth, my heart really goes out to you. I used to say that I thought I had had a glimpse of what losing a baby felt like. After spending five hours in the ER thinking I was losing Baby Sister last January. But she was only about six weeks along and I didn’t lose her. So, now I know how ridiculous I was to compare me and my terrible day with the reality. Praying for all of you.
I am hoping the shred gets here this morning! I can’t wait to join you guys in the pain, lol.
I love Racecar for his mad exercise skillz. And for being so damn cute! And I also love you for being and feeling so much. It made me smile to get the Team James and Jake email because I am so, so proud to be a part of it with you.
p.s. I know they love you, more than we could possibly imagine. How could they not?
I am sure it is those images that hurt the most…those dreams that are only in your mind. HUGS!!!
Beautiful words, Beth.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us today.
xo,
Natalie
i, too, am certain they feel your love….just as you feel theirs.
ugh…now, i’m just sitting here looking at my blinking cursor. i’m thinking that i want to tell you it sucks that you can’t love on them like you REALLY want to….but, then you said this feeling is all you really need right now. so, i’m thankful for your feeling of contentment at the moment & don’t want to add a “this sucks” attitude to it.
so now i just typed my thought process. hope what you take from it is that grief is so hard to respond to sometimes, but i adore you and think of your sweet boys daily.
Beautifully stated girl! I also believe the love you have for one another transcends the bounds of Earth and time. What a day it will be when you’re all together again!
Oh I so understand this. Despite how wonderful life is and how blessed I feel, there is always something , someone missing.
They feel your love, we all feel the love you have for those sweet boys.
I think you’re right. I know that those who have gone before me can feel my love and love me right back. It’s just time between us, nothing more.
I think Kim said it perfectly for me. You are amazing, Beth. Those beautiful baby boys were so lucky to have you for their mommy. Just as Ariel and Racecar are. I’m sure they are looking down with love always and know how much you love and miss them. As always, you are in my prayers.
I 1000% agree. They can feel your love. And they love you right back. Absolutely.
Aw Beth… you always make me smile and its easier for me to get through a tough day after reading your amazing words! Thanks for you!! You are a blessing!
Isn’t love an awesome thing.