Full week.
ByWe have the craziest week ahead of us. My brothers and their families are coming into a town which means a week jam packed with family time. Then my sister and her family are coming and staying with us, whenever we all get together like this, we tend to freeze our lives and spend our time just visiting and enjoying being surrounded by each other.
My brothers (identical twin decorated Army Majors) are both receiving awards on July 4th from the Mayor of the city where they were born and raised, the city where my parents live now. We are so proud of them.
Tomorrow, I meet with a cardiologist at the University of Chicago who specializes in pre-pregnancy and pregnant women, it’s just another step we are taking towards ensuring good health before attempting to have more children. I am not looking forward to this appointment, I’m not sure why. I typically have a pretty understanding disposition about such appointments, but this one I’m dreading a little bit.
Maybe I’m just bitter that I just can’t get pregnant AND REMAIN pregnant like everyone else?
Before I know it, though, it will be over. On the upside, no one will be driving dump trucks into my vagina at this appointment, so that’s a plus. And the kids get to stay at Stephanie’s during my appointment, they are beyond excited about that.
On July 6th, we meet with our specialist (the woman who specializes in pregnancy loss) to go over her findings after our meetings and blood tests and her driving a dump truck into my vagina. I’m so hysterically scared that she’s going to advise not to have anymore children.
I mean, I’ll be fine, if that’s what she suggests. I’ll just be heartbroken, I just thought we’d have more than two children, you know? But I’m always so grateful for the two gifts that we have here on earth.
I’m also so grateful for the two precious babies in heaven, watching over us all of the time. I am missing them so much right now, realizing that no doubt we’d be celebrating their 1st birthday any day now. Those two identical little boys enjoying their little cakes together. What a celebration that would be! I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve written about them, sometimes it’s just easier to think about them and hold them in my heart rather than trying to verbalize what I’m feeling to others.
I feel like I shouldn’t be sad any longer, so I keep to myself, I’m okay with that. But I do like talking about them and the amazing love they have shown us. (and the love we feel for them, it’s impossible to put into words!) The other day I was way behind on my blog reading, within the first five minutes, two blogs that I read had referenced James and Jake. That made me really happy. I’m always astonished how many people share my love for them.
It comforts me. It supports me. It reminds me that life is amazing and beyond what exists inside these walls.
No matter what happens, we are so blessed.
I think about you, and James and Jake, pretty frequently and I wasn’t even a part of your life at that time. I think you’ve done an incredible job of paying tribute to them, and allowing us (me) to get to know you through their story.
Prayers for a good week, Beth.
xoxo,
Natalie
I was reminded of your boys the other day when I saw two little birds in a tree in my backyard and I said a little prayer. They touch lives in ways you do not even know…
And I’ll be praying for you this week during your appointments, etc.
I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow and July 6th and every minute of every other day. If you need to be sad and bitter, you are beyond entitled. If you want to share and talk about James and Jake all the time, you’re beyond entitled to that, too. Hell, if you want to go around punching pregnant woman because it makes you feel better, I’ll be at the front of the line waiting for a punch, and then I’ll turn around and get right back in line. Granted, I may be the only one IN that line, but I’d be there.
I hope that this week and the next are full in so many good ways. Love you.
I’ll be thinking and praying for you as well during this upcoming week. Thank you for the reminder of how blessed we are. I am having an impossible time staying pregnant as well, but I am trying to look at all the goodness and love in my life and feel grateful. So, thanks for the encouragement! Your words have supported me in countless ways.
Enjoy your time with your family – what a great honor for your brothers!
I was so touched by Sarah Viola’s post the other day when she mentioned your boys. I seriously teared up – it was so beautifully written. Your boys have made such an impact on other’s lives.
I’ll pray specifically for your appointment today as well as the one next Monday. Thanks for the reminder about looking at my blessings. I needed that today
You are always in my prayers, but I’ll have a few special ones for your appointments. We are always hear to listen when you want to talk. You could never talk too much about those beautiful angel babies. James and Jake have made a difference in so many of our lives. We all love them too.
I will be saying lots of prayers for you Beth as you go through these appointments. I hope that all goes well!! I am sure that your two angels will be watching over you from above as well.
Have a great week with your family!!!
as a slightly new reader I do not know your story, but I do see the love you have for your children, and your future children.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and next week. I hope your family time is wonderful, we all need family.
Hugs!
I hear you… sometimes it’s easier to think about them. I also love talking about them (Theodore and Tristen) because it validates them and makes it real… I love your blog and have been a religious reader since May of 2008… Have a great day!
Not worrying about what others think and doing what helps you to heal and cope is what is important. Never buy the lie that the boys weren’t a blessing to others, they have been a blessing to so many of us and continue to be. James and Jake will never be forgotten and the love that radiates through you for them is absolutely amazing! I love reading how much you love them and what an awesome blessing your family is to you, both here on the earth and in heaven!
Always praying and believing with you!
I hope this week goes well for you.
The other day, I saw a doe with twin baby fawns. Still with their spots. I sent a prayer up for you immediately. I also pray that you find peace.
Nothing but the most positive thoughts for this appointment!
I’ve always admired your honesty in your writing. Pour your heart out, I’ll still be here. Sending only the best good wishes your way for your appointment this week.
I’m glad you won’t be having anymore painful procedures this time around. I’ve had both a hystosangopenogram and a hystosonogram. Both are REALLY painful. Know that I’m thinking of you.
I don’t think there is ever a time limit on sadness. I’ll read it any time you feel it would help you to share it.
I hope your appointments all go well and you get good news! I’ll be here reading, supporting and praying either way.
I keep meaning to send you a picture I took, the second I saw it I thought of James and Jake. Enough excuses, I’ll go email it to you right now.
I will say some extra special prayers for your appointments coming up.
You need to do what makes you feel better. There is no right or wrong when it comes to dealing with a loss. And there is no time limit, either. Take as much time as it’s going to take and God will take care of the rest
Have a great time with your family, too! Sounds like you’ll have a blast.
Oh, honey. I don’t think anyone thinks you shouldn’t be sad anymore. With all you’ve been through? No one blames you for your grief. I hope you get good answers this week, from the cardiologist & also the other dr. Grieving for you again this week.
You guys are never far from my thoughts…
And you will be posting brother pictures, yes?
You can talk about whatever you want, especially James and Jake! I hope you have a great week and the appt. goes by quickly and without drama. Hugs to you.
Me again…I forgot to ask if you would please post some pictures of your hot, I mean handsome brothers. Will they be doing some roofing so we could see them with their shirts off????????
I lost a son at 17 weeks pregnant last October. I am now 27 weeks pregnant with my 3rd little girl. I know she would not be here had my son lived but I still miss him so much. He would be about 3 months old now. I know how you feel when you say you feel you shouldn’t still be sad but you are. I feel I will be sad about this forever but have to keep much of it to myself. I hate that people make us put a time line on grief. There is not one and don’ feel bad that you still miss them. You will always be their mommmy.
I understand your pain over the loss of your children and the inability to stay pregnant. I got pregnant in 2000 and about two weeks after I learned I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I have never gotten pregnant again. A few years ago I learned that I have PCOS, which can cause infertility. I’m not giving up hope that I will have my own child, but I’m coming to the point where I will be looking into adoption. I’ve always wanted to be a Mommy. I just hope and pray that God has that planned for my life.
I hope everything goes well at your appointments. God Bless!