I just finished a large iced mocha from McDonald’s. Everyday for the last three days the kids and I have gone to Target and then gone to McDonald’s for an iced mocha.
My favorite part is the very bottom where there is whip cream and mocha and a tiny bit of espresso. It’s so yum that it encourages me to get through the entire mocha, which I don’t think is all that delicious, just to get to the bottom. It’s like crossing the finish line.
I definitely think I am feeling the effects of my thyroid dose being increased, I can’t believe how much better I feel, more human, less tired. This week we have been so social going to friend’s houses and playing outside. I have been telling people “no” all summer when invited over because I couldn’t go without a nap. This week I have gone two days without a nap which is a big step in the right direction.
This is a random post, can you tell?
Erin is not in labor, but her time is quickly approaching…today she and I had pedicures, it was so great, not just to have someone rubbing my poor, neglected feet, but to just sit with Erin and chat. We went to a very fun salon that actually sold some great clothing, jewelry and sandals. I loved it and can’t wait to go back. (just kidding, Brian, I won’t go back.)
(I’m totally going back.)
Right now the kids and I are eating Reese’s Puffs cereal out of the box. Ariel asked if they were healthy because I typically only let them snack on healthy things, I told her no, but that’s okay, sometimes it’s fun to not follow all of the rules.
Blogher is next weekend and I am getting so nervous. There will be so much to do and so many people to meet and I’m overwhelmed with places to go and parties to attend and clothes to wear. I realize it’s a good problem to have, (I think?), but when I think about it, my stomach turns into a gigantic knot. I spent the afternoon with Sarah and Stephanie and they are 100 times more organized than I am.
They’re such jerks. I plan on posting my schedule on my blog in a few days, for those that are wondering. (Steph’s idea. I think it’s a good one.)
I think I need religion back in my life. Since losing James and Jake, I haven’t been able to focus on it, or feel it. I can’t describe what I’m not feeling, all I know is I think I’m gaining the need for religion once again and I’m really glad. Not just for me, but for my entire family. I think we are going to explore some different avenues and see where we are led.
Monday marks James and Jake’s due date. They should be one right now. I still can’t believe any of this has happened to us.
I took this photo at Lovelyn’s. The Bible sat in her daughter’s room, so beautifully and simply, on her dresser, waiting to be picked up and read. This book gave me encouragement, the gentle nudge I have been needing to go to church again. It just seemed so beautiful to me.
I’m praying it feels as good to me as I’m hoping it does.
But I admit, I have trust issues with God. I’m trying to change, I’m trying to BELIEVE that everything has happened for a reason, but it’s so hard.
I pray that you find the peace you need.
So glad the thyroid meds are working.
<3
I hope you find the peace you are seeking. I’m sure that Blogher will be a blast for you. Getting out with the girls is always good. Having your energy back will certainly help.
I pray and hope you find the peace you deserve. I think bringing religion back into your life is a good thing, but something that you have to be ready for. I am glad you are feeling better and have more engery. We all need our energy to make it through the day. Now, if I can just sleep at night, I would be able to get alot more done in the day.
Thinking of you always!!
xoxoxxo
Praying for you….
First of all, I am so glad to hear the thyroid medicine is doing its job. I can hear the difference in your voice/writing.
Secondly, I think it’s totally fair and reasonable to have trust issues with God. I think you could start your path back to faith with telling him about your trust issues and your anger and your bitterness and your resentment and whatever else you are working through. He is big enough to handle everything you throw at Him and I believe as you move closer to Him, He will begin to reveal great and powerful things to you.
I’ll be praying for you as you take this brave step forward in your journey.
I can’t wait to hear all about BlogHer. I know you’ll have a fantastic time. Wish I could be there!
Faith. Peace. Love. Hope. This is what I want for you.
Yum, reese’s puffs and iced mocha’s. I think I need me one of those right now. I look forward to meeting you next week. I feel like I really know you through reading your blog. I truly pray you get the peace you are searching for. When I lost our babes I was lost and truly didn’t understand why. Much love to you.
xoxo
Oh, wow, yeah, I understand those trust issues – it must be so hard. I know people always say, “God’s way is best & He has our best in mind”, but what if God’s best is that something happens to my child – I am not at the place in my faith yet where that is okay with me, honestly.
This is a really beautiful post–I love the randomness of iced mochas and pedicures that leads you to something so intimate and personal as your loss and your search for peace. I hope you are able to find peace through this journey.
I really enjoy reading your writing and I hope I get to bump into you at BlogHer.
I cant wait to hear all about your blogher trip. It sounds like fun.
If you want to take baby steps to get back to religion – I would start with reading books to your kids- there are alot out there. Right now I am reading My Bible Friends to my kids. It reintroduces me to old Bible stories and lets me show them to my kids. This is what we are going thru right now: http://www.kidenergy.com/14-002.html
HOpe you have a great weekend!
You’re already there… your heart is ready, and open, I can tell. I CAN tell this week has been different. And I love to hear you’re breaking some rules… : )
This post is beautiful and true.
Steph
Faith is a big part of everything, faith is there it just takes time to let it “be”. hugs!
Beth, there have been times I have strayed from my faith due to life circumstances that I am angry/upset or can’t deal with. If you feel the time to go back to church is now, then you are probably right. I always know, in my heart, when the right time is.
I pray for peace for you. Huge hugs right now.
I’m so glad to hear the meds are working, and you’re feeling better. I can’t wait to see you again next week, although I, too, am feeling anxious and overwhelmed by it all. It isn’t Disney and 12 of us going and doing the same thing, this is 1500 people, eleventy billion parties, and companies, booths, and if we can find our way in the sea of bloggers – sessions.
Quick! Someone hold me!
Dude, I know.
I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing on a daily basis. And do I need a schedule for BlogHer? Is that what you mean? I don’t even know what the hell I’m wearing either! Gah!
I hear you too with the whole God thing. My dad died from pancreatic cancer almost 4 years ago and I don’t get it. He worked hard for his family and was a good man. I don’t blame God, but yeah with the whole trust issues. I just don’t know what I believe anymore.
I do know that I love me some McDonald’s iced coffee though.
Cannot wait to hug you.
I think God understands that. and probably don’t have to worry about it, or about Him. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
This is an honest and beautiful post. Of course, I love the mochas and Reese’s cereal part, too. I would love to read more of this journey, if you feel comfortable enough to share it with us.
I like the variety in this post. Thanks for sharing it with us.
um, i love this post for so many different reasons.
but, must now pack.
(i did not even see you taking this photo…it is beautiful.)
He’s always with you through our prayers, as I’m sure I’m not the only one who has had you in theirs for a long time… But I can certainly understand why you might have a few “trust issues”…
I’m am SO unorganized for BlogHer. Steph said something about posting her schedule and I’m all like “can’t I just fly by the seat of my pants?” SO yeah, that’s probably what I’ll do… er… or maybe I’ll make a schedule, of what I remember! I’m in trouble, aren’t I?
I am so excited for you! There is no news that could stir my heart like that news! He is our comforter. I hope you’ll write about your journey.
The picture? Gorgeous! I love it.
I can’t believe it’s been a year. (tight squeeze!)
I’m just now reading this and I love it so much. I have something special I have to tell you, but I want it to be in person, and I hope you’ll find it special, too. I think you will.
Mmmmm …. iced mocha. I will have to try one of those. I am seriously addicted to McD’s iced coffee with a shot of vanilla. Extra large for $2.09. A very justified daily expenditure, especially in my chaotic life of late.
How I would love to go to Blogher – I think that despite the chaos, you are going to have a fabulous time and will come home a little overwhelmed but totally infused with positive energy. I mean, how can you not with being around so many fabulous bloggers?
As for your faith, I do understand where you are coming from and I think that it is very normal and natural. Continue to do things at your own pace as that is what is best for you.
beautiful post. and, yes, every single thing happens for a reason. this coming from a girl who has a hard time grasping that as well. much love to you this week…
Keep trusting in God. God is sovereign over all things and moves everything according to His will. He is the author of life.
I have no idea what it is like to lose a child. But the times I imagine losing my child, (and I do, I don’t know why) the pain takes my breath.
My heart is aching for your loss.
I went through a time of really hating God because he made no sense and wouldn’t do what I asked him to. (Funny. I said that to MY parents!)
I finally was able to come to a point where I trusted Him. Completely.
There’s rest in that.
Love and prayers…
hippychick
Praying for you that church will be a wonderful place of support and comfort and that you will be able to sense the security of trusting in God…especially now as you watch difficult dates marking difficult times pass by on the calendar.
Trust you have a great time at BlogHer…with no need for a nap!
I understand what you are going through with the thyroid. When I was in college I started to notice that I was having trouble concentrating. I just chalked it up to burn out even though I had been on the Dean’s list the last three semesters. I was also tired all day, every day, but when I would try to sleep at night I would toss and turn and never feel rested. I went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism. I was amazed after taking the pills for a few days how much better I felt. I’m glad you are starting to feel better. I know what a struggle it is to be tired all of the time.
I also know how difficult it is to find God in the face of losing a child. I lost a child in 2000 and I haven’t been able to conceive since that child. There have been many days when I asked God, “Why? If you love me, why would you do this to me?” There are no easy answers. God does things for reasons we may never comprehend. But rest assured that the outcome will be for His glory. It may not seem that way when we are drowning in grief, but in time we may see the greater design.
May I recommend a book called, “Experiencing God” by Henry Blackaby? It definitely helped me deepen my relationship with the Lord. I would also suggest that you concentrate on having a relationship with the Lord and not so much on “religion.” I’ve always been a Christian and attended church as a child. I always considered myself “religious” but it wasn’t until doing a Bible study on “Experiencing God” that I truly discovered how rewarding a relationship with the Lord can be. I don’t focus on any particular set of religious beliefs, I just read the Bible and concentrate on my relationship with Jesus. I will keep you in my prayers and God Bless!
We had a great message this morning about Hannah (one of my favorite Bible stories), and I thought of you, and I thought of my previous comment on this post…and the summation of the message was this: “Sometimes when it appears that God has abandoned us, He is actually writing us a bigger part in His story”. If it weren’t for Hannah’s struggle w/infertility, we would never have heard of her. And the next words our pastor said were what really hit me: “is that okay with you?” and as I said in my other comment, right now, if it involves something happening to one of my children, the answer is no. And I’m not sure that’s okay with God. So I guess God is really working in my heart in this area, turning things totally over to Him, and I felt compelled to come back & share this all with you.
Hope you don’t mind! 
Praying for you Beth….