Fourteen years ago today, Brian and I went on our first date.
I worked at a shoe store and he worked at a movie theatre, we had both just graduated from high school together. He came into my shoe store, bought a pair of dress shoes and asked me out to see a movie that night after I got off of work. I said yes.
He wore those dress shoes on our wedding day.
I always think about how meant to be we are based on that story.
I love that it’s ours and it’s unique and that it’s perfect for us. We have a great time together. He thinks I’m funny (because I am) and I love that. When he laughs at me it makes me happy. He is the logical guy with the biggest heart.
He makes the best waffle cones ever.
But things are rarely perfect.
He doesn’t think enough, I think TOO much. I like the house to be clean and he likes to live in a Frat house. I like to use detergent and hot water when washing dishes and he, well, you don’t want to know.
He works constantly to be the best employee ever (and he is) so he can provide for his family. I’d like for him to spend time at home not working and instead cleaning playing with the kids.
We always have differences. And it’s really okay.
When we lost James and Jake, we met with our priest to discuss their Memorial Service and he warned us that some ridiculous percentage of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. Even though at the time the last thing I thought about was whether or not our marriage would survive, my biggest concern was how I was going to make it through the next hour without collapsing to the floor while beating my fists to the ground.
But after those initial moments, days, weeks, months, I spent most of my time in therapy talking about him. My concerns for him, my frustrations with him, how our relationship was changing.
And here we are, 15 months later. Still pretty strong and still struggling with so much but still surrounded by intense love and understanding.
Today was our “big appointment.” The scary one where we met with the specialist (who specializes in pregnancy loss.) Essentially, over the past few months, she has been studying our case, taking ridiculous amounts of blood, performing tests on my uterus, researching our genetics, our chromosomes and my family history. It was this appointment where she was going to either advise to go forth and populate or DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT LIVE.
We approached the appointment optimistically, for some reason. Intuition, I suppose. I personally was just happy to finally have this meeting over with – we began this process in February.
We figured we would walk out with one of two outcomes:
1. She would tell us not to have any more children and we would be completely devastated but we would move on as positively as possible.
2. She would tell us we can go ahead and try again but that would mean getting pregnant and PREGNANCY IS SO SCARY AND HEARTBREAKING AND OMG WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN.
We walked away with #2.
We are happy, scared, cautious and still waiting for a few other test results to come through before we make any decisions about future children. All we know is that there will be attempts for future children. We just don’t know when. I do have some precautions I have to take, certain medications that need to start now, others that need to start later, needless to say, we will be watched closely.
We have full faith that one day we’ll be holding our own little, tiny, precious baby in our arms, and I have no doubt that Brian and I will spend lots of time arguing over who gets to hold the baby the most. And that is perfectly okay with me.
We are hopeful.
Sigh. I love this.
Girl, you have the ability to move me to tears. Go forth and procreate, and NOW : ). Congrats. I hope it ALL works out for you WHEN you WANT it to.
And there are many us hopeful for the two of you as well.
This post was amazing. I am in awe of you. Congratulations, on the news and on fighting to keep your relationship strong.
So happy that you got option #2… Adam and I also talk about when we finally have kids that I’ll only get to hold my baby when I’m nursing. Otherwise Adam will have it at all times!! We’ll definitely fight over who gets to hold the baby more.
What a good problem to have though.
Love. You, the post, the picture that isn’t perfect, but is. And that he wore the dress shoes in the wedding.
Yay for the good news! I love reading your blog. Thanks for letting us witness your journey.
Now I’m all teary. And I’m supposed to be working. I’m glad there is hope.
Yay! So happy for you.
OMG I literally had a heart pang that HURT when I looked at that last photo. I love you and your entire family so much.
BAM.
Beth, I feel sorta stalkerish today because I have been waiting to hear how your appointment went and keep checking my reader to see if there is any update. Like it is any of my business, right?
I am glad it went well and you recieved option 2. It is okay to be cautiously optimistic. It is okay to be scared. It is okay. You are an amazing, strong woman with a loving, supportive hubby. You will be okay.
I will continue to think lots of good thoughts for you and say a few prayers that (when the time is right) you will be blessed again.
I am so very happy that you got good news. I know that you will be holding that beautiful baby that you two beautiful people will have. My heart just swelled with all things good when I read this.
)
You have many friends to pray with you that this is all in God’s plan. I will make it my personal mission to pray every day until you tell me ok you can stop…deal? I love reading your posts, you & I are alike but you write way better
Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I was so hoping to have the chance to learn how your big appointment went today. I am glad that you heard some hopeful news- I just know good things are going to come your way.
With faith, hope, and love everything is possible.
I skimmed the post really fast just to find the answers to today’s appointment so I knew if I needed to be sad or happy.. then went back to read the rest of it.
I love that you have your own story.. I love that you aren’t all “We are the perfect couple and everything is so perfect in our perfect house.. blah blah blah” Marriage is a struggle. Whether you have dealt with the loss of a child or not. You story of sharing your imperfectness may have helped someone else realize that it’s OK to feel like that. And all the matters is that you truly have so much love for each other.
Thank you for sharing that.. Now go argue about something!
Wow, I loved this. I’m so very happy for you and the outcome of the appointment.
Lots of love and prayers going your way!
I am hopeful, so very hopeful for you and Brian.
Love this post.
Hugs.
Awesome:)
What a sweet post. I am so happy you got good news!
congratulations darling. good good news.
Wonderful, wonderful news. I am full of hope for the two of you and your family.
I hope the answers help. Yes, #2 on your list is scary… I’m right there with you. The thought of IT happening again is too scary. Yes, be hopeful.
So happy to hear this good news! May you always be hopeful!
Oh, I am SO glad you got outcome #2. How wise to wait until the time is truly right for your body – not sure I’d have that much self-control.
And also, the dress shoes story? That he wore at your wedding? TOO CUTE!!!
Glad to hear you got answer #2, best wishes for you & your family!!!
Hopeful, cautious… but love will see you through. And no matter what happens, keep that love close. Glad you got answer #2. I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.
I want to punch you both in that last photo. PUNCH PUNCH. Your relationship, your commitment, the love you two have for each other and the kids is all so inspiring, and I can’t wait to meet this next gorgeous baby the two of you make.
beautiful story…HOPE is what keeps every human going on to their next phase in life…believe in what you want to happen, we had a hard time getting pregnant but i just kept seeing a baby in our future..stay positive and good things will happen. thanks for sharing your story, you two sound perfect together!
Hopeful right with you.
Thanks or sharing so much of yourself.
I knew it would be good news! So excited for the both of you… and I am glad you seem to have a dr who is willing to nail it down instead of just saying “these things happen”. Good luck!
Hope is a beautiful thing. I am hoping for you too.
Congratulations on the 14 years together. It was cute to hear how you guys fit together. You know like a puzzle, where one piece goes in where the other one is out – you clean , he doesn’t. Sometimes it is our differences that make us, not our similiarities. But if I ever meet you in real life, I’ll remember to ask who washed the dishes ; )
Congratulations on your life together that is still filled with so much joy. I wish you nothing but health and happiness as you move forward with your dream of more beautiful children. Stay strong and positive.
I love you and Brian. The end.
I love that you have good news today!!
What a blessing. You make us all more hopeful, even in the trying times. And you must know, the suspense on Twitter was killing me!
Lovely post. Love your story. Praying for that baby and your lady parts and all that goes with it.
That’s great news!! Congratulations – I wish you both all the best!
Maria @BOREDmommy
I cried reading this.
You’ll be in my thoughts, lady. Love love love.
Yay!
And how funny that I was in Chicago the day after you
It wasn’t so windy on Tuesday.
I love you guys so much. Really I do. You and Brian are the most wonderful, unique couple.
I remember you telling the me the shoe story and hearing it again just makes me smile. Those shoes have some history babe, and I hope they’re tucked away somewhere nice and safe.
I’m so glad you got the news you needed, you wanted, you longed for. And I have no doubt the two of you will be racing to the bassinette everytime that sweet baby so much as sighs.
I love you. Both.
So beautiful. And I am HOPEFUL for you.
Did you find it as hillarious that Jenny from Mommin’ It Up! said she was praying for you lady parts??
hahaha.. thats so funny.. “Dear Lord, please bless Beth’s hoochy.. that it may produce a baby for her.” hahaha….
okay.. sorry.. I’m done..
I’ll pray for you and your lady parts too… a few extra prayers never hurt anyone.. that one just caught me off gaurd..
what a very nice story of your meeting, 14yrs go by in a flash doesn’t it?
I’m so glad to hear that you’ve got the thumbs up to try again. I can understand your fear and hesitation, but at least you have the option to try again. *hugs* to your whole family!!
So glad to hear that the answer was #2! It will be difficult but YOU WILL SUCCEED!! Prayers will be necessary, but aren’t they always??
I will pray for you and Brian to continue having a great relationship regardless of your differences.
hugs!
I am so happy for you guys. The stress of waiting can now be lifted, even though new stress will replace it. You have been on a rough road for so long, the end is in sight.
Hugs!
fingers crossed with all my heart.
I’ve teared up just from reading this. I’m so happy you received the news that you wanted. You deserve it!