Fourteen years ago today, Brian and I went on our first date.
I worked at a shoe store and he worked at a movie theatre, we had both just graduated from high school together. He came into my shoe store, bought a pair of dress shoes and asked me out to see a movie that night after I got off of work. I said yes.
He wore those dress shoes on our wedding day.
I always think about how meant to be we are based on that story.
I love that it’s ours and it’s unique and that it’s perfect for us. We have a great time together. He thinks I’m funny (because I am) and I love that. When he laughs at me it makes me happy. He is the logical guy with the biggest heart.
He makes the best waffle cones ever.
But things are rarely perfect.
He doesn’t think enough, I think TOO much. I like the house to be clean and he likes to live in a Frat house. I like to use detergent and hot water when washing dishes and he, well, you don’t want to know.
He works constantly to be the best employee ever (and he is) so he can provide for his family. I’d like for him to spend time at home not working and instead cleaning playing with the kids.
We always have differences. And it’s really okay.
When we lost James and Jake, we met with our priest to discuss their Memorial Service and he warned us that some ridiculous percentage of marriages end in divorce after the death of a child. Even though at the time the last thing I thought about was whether or not our marriage would survive, my biggest concern was how I was going to make it through the next hour without collapsing to the floor while beating my fists to the ground.
But after those initial moments, days, weeks, months, I spent most of my time in therapy talking about him. My concerns for him, my frustrations with him, how our relationship was changing.
And here we are, 15 months later. Still pretty strong and still struggling with so much but still surrounded by intense love and understanding.
Today was our “big appointment.” The scary one where we met with the specialist (who specializes in pregnancy loss.) Essentially, over the past few months, she has been studying our case, taking ridiculous amounts of blood, performing tests on my uterus, researching our genetics, our chromosomes and my family history. It was this appointment where she was going to either advise to go forth and populate or DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT LIVE.
We approached the appointment optimistically, for some reason. Intuition, I suppose. I personally was just happy to finally have this meeting over with – we began this process in February.
We figured we would walk out with one of two outcomes:
1. She would tell us not to have any more children and we would be completely devastated but we would move on as positively as possible.
2. She would tell us we can go ahead and try again but that would mean getting pregnant and PREGNANCY IS SO SCARY AND HEARTBREAKING AND OMG WHAT IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN.
We walked away with #2.
We are happy, scared, cautious and still waiting for a few other test results to come through before we make any decisions about future children. All we know is that there will be attempts for future children. We just don’t know when. I do have some precautions I have to take, certain medications that need to start now, others that need to start later, needless to say, we will be watched closely.
We have full faith that one day we’ll be holding our own little, tiny, precious baby in our arms, and I have no doubt that Brian and I will spend lots of time arguing over who gets to hold the baby the most. And that is perfectly okay with me.
We are hopeful.
Awesome story. Great news.
I’ll say a prayer for you.
Hope is a powerful thing. I’m sure there is another baby in your future. I also love that you don’t pretend that you have the perfect marriage. None of us does.
Why do drunk 17 year olds have all the “luck”? Life really is unfair sometimes. I wish you all the luck in the world.
You guys are a REAL and AWESOME couple. You complement each other so well. I am thrilled to hear this news. Even though it’s scary…it’s great news! I’ll be praying for you. Look to God for His timing on this for your family. Sending you lots of love and a great big hug, Beth!
There is hope, and I am so happy for your fammily.
Your words moved me to tears. When there is hope, there is a way. Great news!
What a wonderful post with wonderful pictures. I love the story and I love the hope and, just so you know, I share that hope with you.
Crying. Crying for you. Crying with you. What a beautiful testimony to love and hope. Heart and prayers with you for the coming weeks and months and all that the future holds.
It’s amazing what a strong and loving relationship can endure. You are so very lucky to have each other.
I’m glad you were able to hear #2, even though it is a tad scary. Keeping you in my prayers on that front.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years come this November. I find it neat that we starting dating the same year as you and Brian. Congratulations on many years together and many more to come…
awesome…
i can’t say anymore right now….just awesome
What a wonderful story of HOPE!! Praying for you!!
Yeah!
Put your heart and uterus out there and go for it. Your peeps will cover you in prayer and rejoice when you welcome your new little one into the world.
If love is what makes the world go round, Beth, you make it spin on its axels!
Thrilled for you!
I enjoyed this post. I love that first imperfect picture. I pray that you will have that little baby very soon.
I just got all snotty on myself. There’s so much love and hope in this post. We are holding you in prayer.
Finding someone who complements you, who really is your other half, is such a blessing. I am glad that you have this in your journeys together.
Now please to be making a baby.
My heart goes out to you! I will pray that god will give you peace of mind with whatever choice you guys decide to make!
Thank you for sharing so much with us. You two are just great. And just too darn cute. So glad it was #2, was thinking about you all day that day! I know it’s scary, but we’re all hoping and praying for you!
You are such a cute couple. I am hopeful with you and Brian that someday you will be fighting over who will change that poopy diaper. BTW, I like the little patch of man hair on the first picture. I’m a hairy chest kind of gal.
I think I need to go work in a shoe store
Wonderful post. Thanks for sharing & congrats on the good news!
That is wonderful news Beth! You’re story is a great one and I know that it will be scary walking down this next road, but I also know that you aren’t alone. *hugs*
That is a great “how we met and got together” story. So happy to hear your news!
I love your story. It’s so heartwarming. Seriously. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And I am SOOO HAPPY you go the okay to try and have more children. What good news for you!!!
Oh Beth!! I have been praying for you and waiting anxiously to read your great news. So happy for you and the family!
And what a cute how we met story! Much better than my “found my husband at the grocery store” story!!
Lots of love (and more prayers!) from Germany!
Aww, he wore the shoes to your wedding. I love that!
I wish you both the best of luck! You make me cry so many times but not in a super sad way just an “awww” way and today was one of those
oh! that’s wonderful. i am breathless with hope for you. i can’t wait to follow along with your future, pregnancies, children and lots of love.
I love reading just how strong your love for one another is. It is so refreshing to see others out there that are able to overcome adversity and work together to support one another.
I wish you both all of the best in your desires to expand your family. Just continue to believe and lean on each other. Together, you can reach for the stars.
I am so happy to hear the good news, and you guys will be in my thoughts and prayers-you’re a super cute couple with such a cute story
Congrats!
Lovely post- good luck to you both!
Beth,
I am so glad that you got answer #2! Will be praying for you guys!
Sarah
Catching up on some of your old posts. I love how honest you were about your marriage. So few people are. And great news from the doc!
Great news!! You and Brian are perfect for each other and I could tell that the moment I met you guys!
I am newly introduced to your blog, and I will not pretend to understand or know anything at all about your life or what you are personally dealing with… but I did read about you and your husband, and your fears in regards to again going through the events of last year, and a post from last year where I felt choked up because I wanted to cry for you but had to keep reading. I read that you think you might need religion again, and I am so nervous about telling you that beyond religion, what is paramount for me is that I have Jesus, and I didn’t do anything to deserve it. You might, I haven’t read that far, and I will pray that you do, that you’ve accepted His free gift of dying on the cross for all of our sins, because then I won’t worry so much. But these three things I especially wanted to say:
1. That God is faithful even when we are not faithful (2 Timothy 2:13).
2. That He promises, no matter what happens to us as believers, that He will make good out of it somehow (Romans 8:28).
3. And that your sweet little babies are in Heaven with Him (Psalm 139:13-16) – He created them, not to die, but to be with Him forever – they just got there sooner than most of us.
I believe and have absolute faith in Heaven and God’s promises, which I am just learning to accept because by nature I am the pessimist/fatalist extraordinaire. I don’t float around life humming that everything is peachy and peace, love & harmony, and yadda yadda. Yeah, okay, I’ve read some more of your posts, one including the word “poop”, and I’m crying, I think I’m going to vomit.
Religion won’t be your answer, although I’ll pray you find an awesome church that really preaches the Bible and praises God and uplifts you and your family. Problem is, people will fail you. We fail God all of the time, and most certainly disappoint one another often. But God is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins (1 John 1:9), and He wants us to lean on Him, to give our troubles over to Him. Sometimes this feels impossible, but if we have the teensiest smidgen of faith in Him (Matthew 17:20), then wow, does He ever deliver!
I included Bible verses to add weight to this; I am not making it up. I do not know if it will help you, but I do know it may bring pangs of sad feelings that you may not have wanted to deal with right now. For that I am sorry. But I am sad for you right now, and want you to feel better, to have endurance and fortitude in your relationship with your husband (he is your partner here on this Earth), but above all faith in knowing that God is with you, and will help you even if you cannot utter the words in prayer and can only sob, or think. I can pray for you, but your needs will be more completely dealt with if YOU believe in what you’re praying for.
I do not consider myself a “zealot”, but I know I am most definitely a sinner saved by Grace. I have wasted many years not noticing anything that God has done for me, and is constantly doing. I hope this is not you, because it breeds regret when you finally do notice that God loves you, and then starts the cycle of not focusing on God all over again.
Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted”. I have not had an experience with this in my Christian life, and would obviously like to postpone it as long as possible. But it’s there, and I hope and pray that I have the strength to return to this verse, and to my God, who promises that He’ll be there.
Alright, goodnight. When I think of you, I will pray for you, ok? That’s the best I can do for you.