WARNING: could be boring for you.
	October 29, 2009 | Filed Under Being a Mama, Holidays | 30 Comments

So, I’m not really feeling like writing lately plus I have a ton of things on my plate, like hosting a Halloween Party for 40 people (20 adults, 20 kids) on Friday night, so I’m a little frazzled.

But not too frazzled to go through old photos.

These photos were taken two years ago during Halloween.  I love that time because it was just two weeks before we found out I was pregnant with James and Jake.  It’s like they were God’s little secret inside my belly.

Anna and Noah look so small and baby-like!  I could show you pictures from pumpkin carving this year but that would require SO.MUCH.EFFORT.

He had just woken up from a nap.

Once upon a time, I was motivated and made cookies from scratch! What do you know?! Glad I took a picture of it.

And last but not least, the same hat and dress I’ll be wearing tomorrow, but I’ll be stretching out the elastic in the belly region like it’s never been done before, I hope it’s ready.

	You Capture – Autumn
	October 28, 2009 | Filed Under you capture. | 66 Comments

Hi friends!  I hope you had a great week!  We actually traveled over the weekend and came back feeling refreshed, it was very much needed.

Back at home, we’ve had very little sunshine, maybe none at all except a few rays today, getting inspired to take photos in the cloud covered days sure is difficult.  I took advantage of the sun peaking through the clouds today with a walk in one of my favorite parks.  I then treated my sweeties to some Halloween Sweetness.

(I apparently liked red AND rounded corners this week!)

I can’t get over how much we are enjoying fall this year, makes me sad that it’s coming to a close.  (makes me sadder that winter is coming.  boooooo!)

Now it’s your turn to share!  REMEMBER: Everyone who participates in this week’s You Capture will be entered to win a $35 Snapfish gift certificate! In order to be included in the drawing, you MUST have your entry (linked up in Mr. Linky) in by Thursday, October 30th at 9:00 pm CST.  The winner will be announced during next week’s You Capture post!

But first:

1.  You can join in on this challenge at any time!  We welcome & love new participants.
2.  ONLY SIGN MR. LINKY IF YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE ACTUAL CHALLENGE.
3.  Please make sure you are linking directly to your specific You Capture post in Mr. Linky (and not just your site, for instructions, go here) and please make sure you are linking back to this challenge in your post.  If you don’t abide by this, your link will be removed.  (I know, I’m so mean.)
4.  Try your hardest not to reuse a picture from your archives, the goal of You Capture is to get you moving with your camera, get creative!  Challenge yourself!
5.  Do your best to visit the other participants’ site – everyone loves the traffic, the comments and the feedback (not just you!)
6.  And finally, post as many pictures as you want on your post.

Whatever you want!  I initially thought I would do a spooky theme, but I realize that not everyone participates in Halloween festivities, so how about we make next week’s You Capture a FREE FOR ALL!  Get creative on YOUR terms!  I can’t wait to see what you come up with.  Happy Halloween!

	Reassured
	October 27, 2009 | Filed Under Pregnancy | 76 Comments

Today we had an ultrasound scheduled at the University of Chicago, everything was running late but we didn’t seem to mind, we just sat and watched people for an hour.

We were called back.  When the ultrasound began, we immediately caught a glimpse of this super sweet baby moving around inside.

We couldn’t help but notice just how much the baby enjoyed his or her hands, it almost seemed like the baby played with them the entire time.  I told the technician that I could watch this all day long, that it would be like THE BEST TV SHOW EVER.  She laughed and well, maybe I cried.

She asked if we wanted to know the gender, we politely declined.  It felt so strange to decline, but the fact that I wasn’t dying to find out, I knew we were making the right decision.  At one point, she had us close our eyes so she could peek downstairs.

We really just want to focus on the health of this baby, not the gender, but more on that later.

I felt like I had been laying on the table for a very long time,  I looked at the time and saw that we had been in the room for 45 minutes!  Another 15 minutes went by before the ultrasound was over.

A full hour we spent, checking out this baby, watching him or her move, watching the heart beat so perfectly.  It was perfect and fun and just what we needed.

Between that and the love that you wonderful people showed me in my post last night, I am feeling much, much better.

Reassured.  I am feeling reassured.

Our baby:

	This moment, that fear.
	October 26, 2009 | Filed Under JJF, Pregnancy | 53 Comments

This past week has been more emotional than usual. There are times, while riding in the car that I literally have to blink to either stop the tears or blink to allow them to fall.

Other times, it’s just a tiny piece of emotion that gets lodged in my throat. I literally can’t talk for a second, I let the moment pass and then I’m okay.

But other times, it’s more than tears, it’s solid crying, the kind that brings me to my knees, the kind that brings back every difficult moment in my past and makes that cry continue on…for a really long time. When I get to that place, every fear, every single shard of grief comes racing back to me at a hundred miles an hour and I can’t stop it, it’s so raw; so real. So painful.

I feel it. I accept it. It hurts. I move on.

I try to move on.

But lately, there is something about these “breakdowns” that are increasingly difficult to accept because the thoughts that race through my mind and the pain that stings my heart continue to affect me long after the tears are dry. When I wake up, eat lunch, while playing games with my family.

My fear of losing this baby is very big, very real. In fact, I may just be waiting for the loss to occur. I lost James and Jake at 19 weeks 2 days, today I am 17 weeks 3 days. As the day approaches, as that “milestone” of 19 weeks 2 days inches its way towards us, I’m seeing it as a deadline and not so much as a day that I can breathe a sigh of relief, as I imagined it would be.

I’m frustrated because throughout this pregnancy I have been so sure that this was going to be so good and so far, it has been. But for some reason, I’m waiting for my body to fail. I’m losing faith and that, along with everything else, is making me so sad.

I believe with all of my heart and soul that I lost James and Jake because it was too much for my body to carry twins, I don’t think there was anything else, so why, as my nineteenth week approaches is my fear increasing so much?

I promise, I have faith. I have faith in God and this baby and oh, I have faith in James and Jake. I believe they are here, protecting us, I know their hands rest on our shoulders, encouraging us to TRUST and GROW and LOVE, I believe they are whispering encouraging words to Anna and Noah…”it’s okay to love the baby…we promise, it’s okay.”

But there is still that tiny voice, that voice of reason that says “IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN, watch yourself…do not let your guard down.”

And so, I sit here, as I have been lately, a pile of confusion and emotions and all I know is that RIGHT NOW we have this baby, this baby we love, this baby created out of nothing but HOPE and LOVE and it’s this moment that I trust.

It’s this moment, that I NEED.

	Away we went
	October 25, 2009 | Filed Under Family, Friendly | 26 Comments

Last Thursday night and early Friday morning, I had planned to make it to my computer to let you beautiful people know that I would be disappearing for a bit.  We had decided to visit my sister and her family in Louisville.  This was a planned trip, so you would think that I would have brought it up, but, you know, I didn’t.

Then Friday morning rolled around and I was all like “house must be cleaned, did I pack my toothbrush, did I pack 5 pairs of underwear for each kid even though we’ll be gone for two nights and most importantly…DO I HAVE MY iPHONE CHARGER!?”

And then we left.

And I never looked back.  I opened my laptop for about 3 minutes and that was it.  It was a perfect break from my computer and blogging and the everyday.  We ate ridiculous amounts of donuts and skittles and watched tons of TV and both of us rocked our baby bellies with laughter so hard that I’m certain we both peed a little bit on accident.  (or maybe just one of us did…whatever.)

Anyway.  I’m home and I’m glad, but I’m even happier that we packed up and went away for awhile.  We all need that sometimes.