The waiting.  The unknown.  This is familiar to me which sucks but then again, I also know that the wait will soon be over and we can begin the plan of action with our care.

In December of 2007, I had my first ultrasound with that pregnancy.  It was then that I found out we were having twins, I was 8 weeks pregnant.  I didn’t freak out, but I cried.  It was the happiest cry I had ever cried.  I couldn’t believe that I was so blessed to be pregnant with twins.  I felt like the luckiest person in the world, like the sun was shining down on me, I couldn’t believe that God felt I could do this.

I was at the ultrasound alone, my parents were in the waiting room with my kids (who had no idea I was pregnant, the kids, not my parents), Brian was at work in Chicago.  I was getting the ultrasound because I was having major cramping, it wasn’t a planned screening, otherwise, Brian would have been there with me.

I had to tell him this news, so after the ultrasound, barely dressed, in the dark room, I picked up my cell phone and called him.  I said “there’s a heartbeat.“  He replied with “one heartbeat?”

“No, two.”  I said.

He cried briefly,  silently, sitting in his cubicle at work.  He felt that same joy.

This was around 3 in the afternoon.  Just before five, the nurse from my doctor’s office called and said the doctor had wanted to see me after my ultrasound but the tech failed to let me know.  So, could I see the doctor first thing the next morning?

“Of course!”

God, I was so happy.

And then, I saw my doctor, where she grimly informed me that my two babies were in the same sac, this condition is called monochorionic and it was not good news.  Essentially, over the course of the pregnancy, it was very likely that the twins’ cords would become entangled and their risk for twin to twin transfusion was increased.  Their chances of survival were lessened greatly.

She did let me know that often, at this early stage, that diagnosis is incorrect, but we wouldn’t know for two more weeks when another ultrasound was done.

If it were correct, my care would be transferred to a specialist in Chicago.

I left and cried.  I had planned to leave my doctor’s office and go buy a book about bring pregnant with twins but I felt like I shouldn’t because what if we lost them…

I went home.

For the next two weeks, we prayed and remained hopeful.  And if the twins were, in fact, monochorionic, we would just pray EXTRA.  Those two weeks were difficult because we just wanted answers RIGHT NOW.  But it taught us patience and we made it through the two weeks.

Faith helped us through.  Everyday I woke up pregnant with twins and that’s all we knew and that’s all we focused on.

And so that is where I’m at now.

I am pregnant with this miracle, who we love and we continue to love and we have hope, SO MUCH HOPE that not only will we hold this baby in the spring but that the doctors will be able to guide us through this pregnancy with their vast knowledge and experience.

The twins, we found out, were not monochorionic, what a moment that was to have that answer!  And even though we eventually lost James and Jake to something unrelated; today, tomorrow, yesterday, we are reminded just how much we have learned from their little lives.

We are living it right now.  And we are always grateful to them.

We are going to be okay.

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