This past week has been more emotional than usual. There are times, while riding in the car that I literally have to blink to either stop the tears or blink to allow them to fall.
Other times, it’s just a tiny piece of emotion that gets lodged in my throat. I literally can’t talk for a second, I let the moment pass and then I’m okay.
But other times, it’s more than tears, it’s solid crying, the kind that brings me to my knees, the kind that brings back every difficult moment in my past and makes that cry continue on…for a really long time. When I get to that place, every fear, every single shard of grief comes racing back to me at a hundred miles an hour and I can’t stop it, it’s so raw; so real. So painful.
I feel it. I accept it. It hurts. I move on.
I try to move on.
But lately, there is something about these “breakdowns” that are increasingly difficult to accept because the thoughts that race through my mind and the pain that stings my heart continue to affect me long after the tears are dry. When I wake up, eat lunch, while playing games with my family.
My fear of losing this baby is very big, very real. In fact, I may just be waiting for the loss to occur. I lost James and Jake at 19 weeks 2 days, today I am 17 weeks 3 days. As the day approaches, as that “milestone” of 19 weeks 2 days inches its way towards us, I’m seeing it as a deadline and not so much as a day that I can breathe a sigh of relief, as I imagined it would be.
I’m frustrated because throughout this pregnancy I have been so sure that this was going to be so good and so far, it has been. But for some reason, I’m waiting for my body to fail. I’m losing faith and that, along with everything else, is making me so sad.
I believe with all of my heart and soul that I lost James and Jake because it was too much for my body to carry twins, I don’t think there was anything else, so why, as my nineteenth week approaches is my fear increasing so much?
I promise, I have faith. I have faith in God and this baby and oh, I have faith in James and Jake. I believe they are here, protecting us, I know their hands rest on our shoulders, encouraging us to TRUST and GROW and LOVE, I believe they are whispering encouraging words to Anna and Noah…”it’s okay to love the baby…we promise, it’s okay.”
But there is still that tiny voice, that voice of reason that says “IT CAN HAPPEN AGAIN, watch yourself…do not let your guard down.”
And so, I sit here, as I have been lately, a pile of confusion and emotions and all I know is that RIGHT NOW we have this baby, this baby we love, this baby created out of nothing but HOPE and LOVE and it’s this moment that I trust.
It’s this moment, that I NEED.
Thank you for your honesty Beth. It is scary. Pregnancy after a loss…when you know what can happen…it is scary. It’s ok not to let your guard down. Protect yourself, you can do that and have faith in God that He will watch out for you. It’s not an either or situation here.
Be gentle with yourself and know that whatever you are feeling is ok. That’s the thing with grief, there is no right or wrong to it.
xoxo
Oh, honey, I think this is so normal. Anyone who had been through all that you’ve been through would feel the exact same way. I will be praying for you!
Hi hon,
I can’t even imagine. My heart hurts with you. I have always wondered how a woman acts so happy – so not nervous – after such a big loss… You put the words out on paper for me. For all of us to understand. I just keep trying to go with the flow for those expecting women that I know… if they’re happy, then I’m happy. If they’re really a mess, then it just seems so *okay* to be a mess. I couldn’t imagine handling it any other way…
You’re doing great. And IMO, nobody expects you to keep the ‘faith’ through the entire thing. Your girlfriends, your hubby, your kids – they have faith enough when you don’t. I’m positive of THAT. You can’t be strong all the time girl.
Love & hugs,
Cathy
Prayers for you! I am always thinking about you.
Beth, your transparency makes you even more beautiful. The feelings you have are there because you have been through more in a couple of years than most could endure in a lifetime. You have every right to feel this way and it doesn’t even speak of your faith that you do. What really speaks of your faith is that you followed your heart and created this baby even when faced with such pain and difficulty. THAT speaks more of you and your faith. Hugs, sweetie.
I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, knowing that that date is coming. Remember that we are all keeping you close to our hearts. I know that I say that time and again, but it is so true. We love and cherish you, wanting so much for you.
Many hugs.
Oh, Beth. You are beautiful. I have not known this pain, but I am so thankful for your ability to express yourself. It is a tricky path to walk, balancing expectation with fear, realism without excitement.
I’m glad you are able to find comfort in your family, your faith, the expression of your emotions, and even in this blog. Thank you for sharing.
Big HUGS, my friend.
Beth,
My best friend lost her baby during her last pregnancy last Christmas, and she is pregnant again right now. During her ultrasound last week they found fluid in the kidneys and are a little concerned about this, even though it could be nothing at all.
When I spoke to her, I could tell that she didn’t want to keep her guard up. She wanted to have a full, open heart for this baby, but she knew that pain was a possibility. Pregnancy makes us vulnerable, no matter how much we wish it didn’t. I could not summon the right words for her, as I cannot with you, because I have not experienced this grief. With an eight-month-old and a husband who is in the Army, my heart is exposed, and I often feel vulnerable to anything that might happen to them.
But my favorite way to deal with this fear is to imagine angels around us at all times. Not sure why it works so well, but I am calmed instantly when I imagine their heavenly presences among us.
You and your family are in my prayers. I am believing in the best for you.
Warmly,
Amy
Beth, I’m praying for you. The fear and joy you must be feeling, emotions just battling. I’m thinking of you.
*hugs*
I hate that you’re afraid, but I understand it so much. And I am so proud of you and the faith you’ve stood upon (and your admission that it wavers- it does for us all) and how brave you’ve been. Putting yourself out there for you, the baby, and us. We love you so much.
Steph
I didn’t lose my first baby as late as you did, so I didn’t have the same experience, so ignore anything I write that doesn’t help you. I just wanted to say that with that first pregnancy, I sensed from the start that something was wrong (early bleeding, lack of sickness), and I was so guarded in how much I allowed myself to delight in that baby. And when it did go wrong and we lost him (her? I feel it was a he), I finally opened myself up to feeling connected, and I regretted that I hadn’t talked to him and hoped for him until it was over. I had the miscarriage naturally, because it felt like something I could do, as a gift for him. The next time we were pregnant, I remembered how much I felt I had missed by not being open and connected with the life inside me, and so I threw caution to the wind and opened my heart wide and told myself that if it ended again, at least I would have had those moments of joy and hope with him. I don’t know if that helps at all, but it might — to think, would you feel any better if it ended badly if you had not loved and doted on this baby while you could? Hugs and peace to you, and I feel sure that all will go well with you and your new little one.
I want only the joy for you so badly, but i know that’s not how it works. I’m imagining the beautiful pictures of you holding your full term baby in your arms and sending you faith and love.
Wow! I can’t even imagine what you are going through, but I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now and just wanted to say that you’ve got complete strangers thinking positive thoughts and wishing you well. Stay strong, but there is no shame in admitting your vulnerability, fears and even crying. I’ll keep thinking safe baby thoughts for you and your little one.
I know through similar trials that I went through how difficult each day was for me. All could do was put my faith in God and my son and take the rest one minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time. It was so much more manageable for me that way. That is what I am hoping for you. One second at a time.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to be here, in these weeks. Praying for and loving you and Brian, Anna and Noah, James and Jake, baby, and the magic in your belly right now. LOVE.
Just know that there is a whole ton of people out there praying for you and this little one growing on the inside of you. We are here for you!! Hugs and prayers for you!
Praying for you….
Beth, I experience my first pregnancy as a miscarriage so I know where you are coming from… the fear. But when I was pregnant with my second child, I used scriptures from the bible A LOT as a source of comfort. You say you have faith in God, well, then look to what he’s written for your comfort (2 corinthians 1:3). Romans 15:4 “For all the things that were written aforetime were written for our instruction, that through our endurance and through the comfort from the Scriptures we might have hope.”
Proverbs 14: 30 (first part) “A calm heart is the life of a fleshly organism.” You need to remain calm for this new baby. It depends upon you!
Matthew 6:27,34 “Who by being anxious can add one cubit to his lifespan?” “So, never be anxious about the next day, for the next day will have its own anxieties. Sufficient for each day is its own badness.”
I’m sure you will find more
Sweety, a few weeks after finding out I was pregnant for the third time (I always count the mc), my firstborn fell deathly ill and we nearly lost her. She was 5 at the time and it happened so quickly. To be honest, every single dread and fear that could possibly happen at that time to her – did, I was at the point where I didn’t know how I was even going to physically keep my new pregnancy. But I was wrong because God was the only one who could keep me up at that time, and for some reason I didn’t miscarry what I would come to find out were twin girls.
Knowing you lost twins makes my heart hurt for you… Right now, you just have to hang on to God. No matter what comes, (I pray for you that it’s not the worse thing possible) he is there for your comfort.
Even 2 years later, during that same month when my daughter was hospitalized, I still go through a mourning period. It really does make you realize how precious life is and to be honest, before then – I wasn’t as into having kids as my DH was. It totally changed that.
But when you lose a baby, you will never forget the possibilities of what might have been, what SHOULD have been. I used to dwell on those thoughts for my miscarried baby… We NEVER know why these things happen, not fully. But God does. We never know how if they did live, what kind of life would it have been for them.
Which is why it’s ever more important to lean on God for comfort, strength, and support when those days come again, be it just a date on the calander or another reason to grieve again. Psalms 68:19 “Blessed be Jehovah, who daily carries the load for us, The [true] God of our salvation.”
If you have time, meditate on Psalm 139… I will keep you in my prayers. And I’m sorry for the long comment, your honesty made it impossible for me to go to bed with you on my mind. You will make it through, remember to keep a calm heart and do not be anxious over tomorrow or your 19th week… we have enough to worry about day to day – it’s God who shall carry that load.
After carrying a baby for 4 months and then losing it, when I finally was pregnant again, I found that I was completely terrified. I worried so much I couldn’t function. I worried so much I ended up in the hospital 4 times during that next pregnancy, because of real and imagined problems. Stress and worry can be the root of many problems. My youngest was finally born on the due date (1 year later) of the baby I lost. He was healthy and strong.
But because of the stress and difficulty I caused myself during that pregnancy, I ended up having the procedure so I wouldn’t ever be pregnant again. I hated being pregnant because of the fear and worry I endured for those 40 weeks. I missed out on the joy of carrying my son, because of worry.
To this day, I have panic attacks. Worry overcomes my day to day life and swallows up the joy that I have in the moments I have been given. Even after my youngest was born, I struggled to enjoy his first few months, because of worry that he would stop breathing, or something was going to happen to him.
Back in February a plane carrying 40 people crashed the distance of a football field and a half, away from my house. To this moment, every time a plane flies over my house (and I live under the landing path to the airport – so there are too many to count) I panic, especially when they are lower than usual. Oh, I am getting better, I’ve learned to cover the fear, so my family doesn’t see me physically run to the window every time to watch, but my heart still stops and I hold my breath, ’til it passes.
The thing is, we were not meant to live in fear. Worry sucks at the joy of the moments we have. We miss part of our journey when we allow ourselves to be caught up in the what if’s of day to day life.
Why is it we actually think we have control over anything? Everyday is a gift. Every time we put our kids on the bus, or say goodbye, could be the last time we see that person. We have to trust that God is in control and he knows where the puzzle pieces of our lives fit, and how our lives and journey impact others for His good.
Happiness is found not in the end result, but in the journey. Treasure the moments along the way. Enjoy the celebration of the culmination and the successes, but don’t let worry suck the joy from the moment to moment journey. Life is too precious to give these moments away to worry. Easy to say, but very hard to live by. I know, because that’s my life … and even now I look back and see all the joy that could have been, but I willingly gave away to worry …
My prayers are with you on the journey.
Beth, let me just tell you how normal you are. Unfortunately once you have a loss pregnancy is not carefree and easy anymore. I’ve lost two babies, both stillborn at 26wks and 2 days. Just imagine my fear, apprehension and the stress that started to build around that time. My MFM knew that it would be a hard time for me and said that all women that had losses (which is pretty much all he saw being a specialist!) start to show signs physically and emotionally around the loss time. After my 26wk and 2 day mark I had a huge sigh of relief but it never went away until I was holding my beautiful boy; happy and healthy.
Basically what I want to say is I know EXACTLY what you’re feeling…I just went through it for the 2nd time a few months ago. It’s scary and it sucks, but with the support you have from your friends and family you and the baby will make it through. Also, talk to your doc about your feelings, I’m sure they will understand also.
Hugs and belly rubs to ya hon!
Oh, I just wanted to tell you that these fears are totally normal – especially after a tragic loss lilke you experienced. I had two early miscarriages and the pregnancy after that was fear filled. I wish I could tell you I sailed through with no fear and utter confidence but I didn’t.
But I tried to put the fear in one part of my mind so that I could enjoy the milestones as the pregnancy progressed.
I’m praying that you will find peace and joy in the remaining weeks of your pregnancy. Take care of yourself.
Oh Beth, I’m sorry… I agree with everything everyone else has said and just want you to know that I’m praying for you and your baby.
Beth –
Your fears are completely valid. I pray that you have peace and comfort the next 20 weeks.
Beth, I hesitate to leave a comment because I always think I’ll say the wrong thing when it comes to these things. Having had my two little ones, even with no complications I always found it hard to get excited until later on, because you just never know. No matter how much faith you have, there’s just so much at stake, and that’s what makes it such an exciting, wonderful, and nervewracking time. Add onto that what you’ve been through… and I’m in awe of how you even make it out of bed in the morning! You’re an amazing woman, and you have ever right to feel what you’re feeling right now.
Sending good vibes and prayers your way!
Praying joy and love and comfort over you. For peace to wash over you like a tidal wave.
Thank you for being so raw in your writing. It helps me to understand what you and so many others have been through.
Oh Beth. My heart aches for you. Your raw honesty brings tears to my eyes and a prayer to my heart. You are so loved and lifted in prayers.
Keep on, mama. For the sake of all of your kids and for the memory of James and Jake. Keep on.
xoxo
I’ve been thinking about you and praying for you alot, knowing that milestone is coming. Know that you are surrounded by love right now and that heaven is being stormed with prayers for your little one! Hugs to you today.
I really cannot imagine the fear that must grip you, but I know that you will handle these fears with the grace you always have, even if your faith does waver (which is so beyond normal). And when you’re 19 weeks and 3 days, let’s go have cupcakes, okay?
Love and prayers and LOVE.
My prayers are with you.
We lost a set of twins at 21 weeks – I had been hospitalized. Then, pregnant again with twins and already having preterm labor and an incompetent cervix again – That time and just about every moment until 34 weeks could be unbearable – but amazing at the same time. It’s paralyzing, and I’m sorry you have to know such a real fear. Yes, my prayers are definitely with you.
I just want to say that I love the raw honesty and emotion in this post. It’s absolutely beautifully written.
Of course you feel this way, how could you not? I feel like a “broken record” sometimes but you know that I continue to pray that all goes well with this pregnancy and at the birth of your sweet baby.
I love your thoughts on James and Jake telling Anna & Noah it’s okay… so very beautiful.
there is no denying the difficulties that are associated with days and months and times after losing a baby.
and you hold your breath and weep and stand in the shower for longer than you should. just to get through. and no matter how many babies occur between the one (or two) that got away … it doesn’t get easier. i wish i could tell you that it did.
thinking of you.
I have felt your pain and gone through your emotions and I know that there are no words that anyone can really say to ease your worry (at least that’s how I felt) after such a loss. I got through it by BELIEVING. Believing that god wouldn’t put me through that trauma again, believing that my miscarriages were because those babies weren’t meant to be, believing that when it was right, it would happen. And it did. I had my second HEALTHY baby 18 months ago and I look at him and know HE was the reason I had to go through what I went through. He was the one who was meant to be. Take one day at a time… don’t look too far down the road. I’m SURE everything will be fine with this baby… you appear to be such a wonderful, loving, real person. Have faith that it will all work out!
Praying for you, your family and for a full-term uncomplicated pregnancy with a health baby at the end.
I haven’t been where you are, but it seems completely logical to me that you would face these emotions and fears. May God give you strength. I know he will because were it not for that, I wouldn’t have ever been born. I’m grateful that my mother found courage, strength and peace after losing her first baby at 7 months to push through 2 complicated pregnancies and months of bedrest to bring my brother and I into the world.
You are brave, you are strong, you are loved and many are praying for you and this baby.
My sister’s baby was stillborn on her due date. She pinned a favorite prayer on the inside bottom hem of her shirt everyday and would read it/pray it 50 times a day. Eventually, she didn’t need it pinned to her shirt anymore. Now, 19 yrs later, it’s helped her through many of life’s challenges.
I didn’t grieve long and hard for the baby I lost; by the grace of God. But there have been other things. I have a favorite prayer response to fear, anxiety, panic and stress. If you work at it, it becomes a part of you. If you really focus with all your might on God, the one who steals your joy doesn’t have your attention anymore. No matter what happens. Pick a prayer and pray it every time you catch yourself in that place of fear or grief. Until it becomes second nature. Until you are thanking God for those things that brought you closer to Him.
May peace and hope be yours.
Sending you lots of love and good thoughts.
I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry for your hurt, and that I will say a prayer for your family and this baby.
Beth, I’m not sure I can say too much different from the others before me. But I do want to tell you something that I hope you take the wrong way. I’m glad that you are feeling these emotions. They are raw and powerful and if you tried to hide from them, reality would be harder to endure. Your family would miss you because you wouldn’t be YOU anymore. I hope your appointment goes fantastic today and that you are reassured by those two angels watching over you and this beautiful new baby.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh, girl. I understand this emotion so well. I wrote a very similar blog just a couple of months ago. I had experienced my second miscarriage just a year ago, at ten weeks, only three days after hearing a rapid little heartbeat. I am pregnant again, and felt like I couldn’t even give in to admitting I was pregnant until I was at least past ten weeks. I felt like every thought of joy was followed by, “But you had this last time, too.”
It is so hard to be honest about those feelings. To try to help people see that we do have moments of fear and moments of faith….granted, maybe not at the same moment, but they are both there. I’m so sorry that this pregnancy is in the shadow of what happened with James and Jake, just as my pregnancy is in the shadow of my miscarriages. But, I am so thankful that God continues to give us new life, to do new things. Know that you are prayed for today.
hugs!
Beth… You are surrounded by love both outside and inside and here and way, way up high. Sending you prayers to help with your worry… xo…
Like the others, we send hugs and well thoughts and prayers for you. What you wrote is how I felt in my losses in early pregancies. I doubt I have any true wisdom to share.(there’s a couple of longer comments that really say so much) It’s our false sense of control thinking we can change something when we can’t. We won’t ever know why you lost James and Jakes. And an answer may not even make the pain any less … but you are pregnant now. It is a gift … look past that date. Realize God is in control and there is a reason why you are blessed with another pregnancy. Yes, the next few weeks will be hard. But you can do it. Don’t let yourself get so stuck on a date that won’t have any signifigance with THIS pregnancy. Think back to Anna and Noah … find a date in their growth that was positive for you and focus on that. Focus on the gift. Focus on the birth. Focus on the life. Big hugs and prayers sent your way …
Hugs to you. Thinking of you always.
P.S. I can’t wait to meet your healthy and adorable little baby. It’s going to be amazing.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. It’s just got to be so totally normal to feel that way, it doesn’t mean there is anything at all wrong. It’s just grief. I will be praying for you and praying for healing of your body and soul.
Praying and thinking about you. I held off on knowing the sex of both my babies. I always prayed that all I needed was a healthy baby.
Oh this just breaks my heart. Hang in there.
But what a wonderful blessing to be a tiny baby and already be SO LOVED and SO appreciated.
I read this last night on my iPod, in bed, and cried. You’re on my heart and in my prayers. I can’t wait to see this little one and learn his/her name see you entirely filled with the JOY you deserve.
Beth, do not give in to those emotions. Those are temptations to become self-fulfilling prophesies. You MUST have hope. For that little precious baby. He/she is WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, and you are the world. You cannot live in fear, although it’s so near and so easy to slip into. You have to walk in Faith, that each step is going to be guided by the Father.
Come on sweetie, you CAN make it through this. One day at a time.