It honestly was not my intention to write that post about finding out we were having a boy and then just let it sit there at the top of my blog, letting it get stale.
But then my phone rang and it was Arianne and I realized quickly that this phone call would be one we would never forget.
Her baby died, at 18 weeks.
My heart aches as I sit and think about what her heart feels like right now. There are 50 things I want to do but I don’t want to do these things now because they all seem so trivial. I can remember after losing James and Jake, reading a post by someone where she wrote about how she was thinking of me during our darkest moments. It meant so much to me because I felt so alone all of the time. And it’s not that she wrote about it, it was that she was thinking of me, really dedicating her private moments to me and my family.
It was so hard for me to hear that people’s lives went on as usual as mine STOPPED, dead in it’s track and the only real thing going on was the intense pain felt all over my body, the hot tears that flowed constantly and the pit of emptiness that sat within at every second.
After James and Jake’s memorial service, we all had dinner afterwards at my in-laws house. I can remember my two friends telling me a funny story about how they were together the night before at Bunco (where I usually was) and how silly they were and it felt like someone had punched me dead in the face….how could life be so normal for people so close to me but so completely flipped around and horrifying for me?
I didn’t blame them for continuing to live their lives because that’s how we move on – it was just so hard to comprehend how not too long before that, our lives were so similar and suddenly, they were not.
Arianne just recently moved to South Carolina which is making this so much more difficult for so many of us. I’d give anything to make her lasagna and muffins and bread and soup, I’d love for her to know that I could be at her house in seven minutes if she needed anything, even a glass of water. I want to reach out and physically care for her…but I can’t.
So, I pray. I give her my moments of peace. I pray for strength for her and Jacob, I pray for grace and understanding and hope to creep in over time. I want her to know how not alone she is even though that is what she is feeling right now.
After losing the twins, those precious boys that we miss SO MUCH all of the time, so many of you reached out to me with your words, your prayers, your wisdom. You helped me through my darkest hour and not just me but many of my family members that read my blog, they would say “your comments are amazing and uplifting” or “did you read this comment from so and so?” That’s how powerful you were and are to me – you left your words with me and they resonated throughout my entire family and continue to do so…everyday.
I hope you can take some time to do the same for Arianne.