Nest Feathering
	February 28, 2010 | Filed Under Friendly, Pregnancy | 33 Comments

I’m sitting on the couch, looking down at my enormous baby belly.  Even though it’s enormous, I still can’t believe there is a baby in there big enough to be born in just one month.

I’m amazed that we have spent so much time during this pregnancy counting up and now suddenly…we are counting down.

We are preparing.

Yesterday?  We bought diapers.

and I opened them and marveled at the TEENY-TINY SIZE.  I showed them to the kids and to Brian and we all said “awwww” and “how cute” and one of the kids may or may not have hugged the diaper.

(For a really long time.)

And now?  To add more reality to our lives … Stephanie, my best friend, my sweet, caring, beautiful, old-lady hippy friend, who would go to the ends of the earth for anyone, an incredible Mom, wife, FRIEND … she is hosting a virtual shower for me.  For this baby…for my family.

I know she has put so much work into this.  All of the companies involved have generously donated items for me … but also for a lucky reader.   That’s right, everything I am receiving from this “good new-fashioned shower” a lucky reader will receive the same item.  (it’s like we’ll be sisters!)  (or brothers!)

It’s like a big nest of BABY and LOVE and HOPE and OHMYGOD, just pure awesomeness.

So, go here and read how the shower works and also see all of the amazing and generous companies (big & small!) who are involved. Then check back many times a day from today until March 6th to enter to win SO MANY ITEMS.  Also, almost everything that she is showing you, is what I picked out, it’s EXACTLY what I’ll be receiving.  (but much of it, you’ll get your own choice.)

Also, please feel free to add the cute little button onto your sidebar (share the love with your expecting friends and readers!), Stephanie has the codes on her site at the bottom of this post.

(That cute little button and the shower name were created by my fabulous best friend, @sarahviola.  She is pure brilliance, don’t you think?)

Thank you again to Stephanie, I never take for granted that you are in my life and thank you for loving this baby and for showing me TRUST since the moment you found out I was pregnant.  I’ve needed you so much during this time, which has really been the greatest gift of all.  (ILY,M)

	Here we are … two years.
	February 26, 2010 | Filed Under JJF | 152 Comments

February 26, 2008, we held our sweet, lifeless baby boys in our arms.  I labored, pushed, held them, I slept with them.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep them warm.  {I tried so hard.}

Part of me went with them, which brings me peace knowing they have some of their Mom with them, even today, as they shine down on us every single day.

And they left so much with us, their spirits, their guidance, their unbelievable love.  They shine brighter than anything else in my world.

Which makes me ache for them, now more than ever.

They live with us, in their own way, in the only way we ALL know how.  I marvel at the fact that we as family, here are earth, and they, as brothers, beautiful in heaven, work together so intricately to create a balance of family.  A balance of love that has no boundaries.

Anna loves them with all of her heart and soul.  She never fails to say that once this baby is born in just over four weeks, that she will have FOUR brothers.   Sometimes never specifying that two are in a place that we can not see.  {but only feel.}

Noah loves but fears so much.  As the four of us worked in the baby’s room the other night, he seemed to hesitate and finally said “but WHAT IF he dies?” His knowledge of death makes my heart break, what do you say to a six year old boy who should only know LIFE and not death?

I never know what is the right thing to say back to him, I want to reassure him but I have the same thoughts, way too many times a day.  We use words like TRUST and FAITH and LOVE and HOPE.

trust.faith.love.hope.

Yes. We are trying.  And we have two boys up in heaven giving us the strength we need to do just that.  Not a day goes by that we are not grateful.

***

To all of you who love James and Jake, there are so many of you, I wish I could describe to you what the feels like, but the words, they fail me.  Just know that it’s bigger than you’ll ever know.  Thank you for remembering.  Mostly, though, thank you for loving.

J&J – I know you feel what’s in our hearts today (and every single day) – we can’t have you right now, as precious, playful, curious toddlers, we can’t smell you and hug you and kiss your owies.  But instead, we have the most perfect angel babies standing guard, offering us strength and showing us love that will never, ever leave.  It’s only grows.  It’s so beautiful and we are so grateful for you.

“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5

	You Capture – Shapes
	February 25, 2010 | Filed Under you capture. | 61 Comments

The best thing about picking a subject like this?  Shapes are everywhere.

So, if you are like me and you wait until the last minute to take your photos, you can go back through the week’s photos and you’ll probably find some shapes.

(that’s what I did, but don’t tell anyone.)

My friends and I went out to dinner last Friday night.  It was so beautiful because it was all of us, we can never seem to all get together at the same time, but this night, it just worked and we went to a wonderful restaurant and had so much fun.

The most disturbing part of the night was when Donya ordered sushi AND she was sitting across from me.  I know so many of you love sushi but I don’t get it, THE END.

But it made for fun photos, despite the very dimly lit restaurant.  And look!  SHAPES!

And the following morning, I was able to see my friends AGAIN!  At Erin’s son’s birthday party and I took pictures of Sarah Viola’s Asher playing in what he would describe as heaven but what I would describe as SHAPES! (also: CUTE TODDLER!)  He and I are best friends forever.

That’s it for me, now it’s your turn to share!

Be sure to read the guidelines and if you play along and your link was deleted, it’s probably because you linked directly to your blog and not your You Capture post, so link carefully, please!

By the way, the winner of the one year of Picnik Premium is WackyMummy!  HOORAY!  Congrats to you!

As I near the end of my pregnancy, I’m afraid my creative juices are running very, very low.  So, rather than picking weekly assignments like “your kitchen table” or “Elbows” I’ve enlisted the help of my friend and creative genius, Nic, from 60 Piggies.  (her blog is so happy and fresh and I’m pretty sure she’s going to teach me to sew.  Someday.)

Anyway, I asked her for help in coming up with some new assignments and man, did she deliver.  So, the next few will be courtesy of her.  THANK YOU, NIC!

I present to you:

HOPEFUL.

Have fun, friends and happy capturing!

	Gratitude
	February 23, 2010 | Filed Under Being a Mama, Pregnancy | 58 Comments

Never in a million years did I think my post from yesterday would create such a buzz, I never dreamed that so many of you would leave your heartfelt comments filled with support and I never, ever dreamed that I’d leave it up as the top post for so long.

Lord have mercy, I have got to move the photos down of me in my underwear.  GAH.

In all seriousness, I am overwhelmed by all of the love you all showed me yesterday.  I honestly feared 7 comments, some of them saying something like “aw, don’t feel bad, I have tons of cellulite, too.”  or “I like the color of your walls.”  or “what does your husband think about these photos being on your blog.”

But no, I received nothing but support from you amazing people and I am humbled and feel so fortunate to have this outlet.  (that I love, because of you.)

(by the way, my husband was very supportive.)

Moving in another direction but still baby related, (I’m pretty sure every post will be baby related from now until three years from now.   You have been warned)

We have this for the baby’s room:

I bought it off of Etsy (will link to it when I reveal the nursery that I may or may not finish.  EVER.)  This owl sits inside the baby’s crib, which sits inside the baby’s room.  The room that is painted and just waiting for me to fill it with gliders and pictures and diapers and good smelling baby clothes…

Except I can’t.  I can’t do anything.  The bedding is sitting in a bag beside the crib.  The newborn clothes are sitting in a bag, all fresh and folded (thanks to my sister, Sarah) and waiting to be placed in drawers.  I walk into his room and I am paralyzed by fear.  Fear that the room I am in will never actually meet this baby that RIGHT NOW is either standing, walking or break dancing inside of my belly.  (I can’t tell which but HE IS SO BUSY.)

It’s a real fear.  I huge anxiety for me and I am working with and am being treated by doctors for this.  It hurts my heart because I want to believe … I want to believe so badly but history and my heart are stopping me with massive, ugly, barricades.

I’m hoping to force myself through, I need to do this room, not to be that person who is TOTALLY READY FOR THE BABY but to prove to myself and my heart and my kids that it’s okay to believe and dream and to have faith.

and to trust.  Trust is what I need to do.

My hope is that tomorrow (or the next day or the next day) I’ll be able to pick up some baby items for his room that will help me take steps closer to chipping away at this stupid anxiety that has such a grip on my weary soul.  I’m pretty sure I can beat it, but I do know that if I can’t beat it now, I most certainly will when there is a baby in my arms.

	MY perfection
	February 22, 2010 | Filed Under Pregnancy | 197 Comments

I have stretch marks and my stomach sags.

My arms are bigger than I’d like and my legs tell their own story between the veins and the cellulite.  A very long story about life and work and even love and sacrifice.

{a story that becomes even more intense with each day passing.}

I have more than one chin.  I spend a lot of money on skin care and some days I’m not sure why.

My breasts?  They are small.  They are not perky.  And they never will be again.

But my body?  Is miraculous and has done things that I am so grateful for – because of that, it is perfection.  Every saggy, stretchmark-y inch of it.

And each morning, I feel so tired, the thought of showering wears me out, I dread opening the shower door to dry off because the drying, the lotioning, the hair-drying, the makeup, it all makes me so tired, it’s difficult to breathe.  But then I start to get dressed, I look in the mirror and I feel…

SO ALIVE.

and perfect in this state.

And sharing this?  It is not easy.  But it’s real and I love real.  And mostly?  I love the miracle that is that baby inside my  belly.

and uh…don’t look too closely. m’kay?