Never in a million years did I think my post from yesterday would create such a buzz, I never dreamed that so many of you would leave your heartfelt comments filled with support and I never, ever dreamed that I’d leave it up as the top post for so long.
Lord have mercy, I have got to move the photos down of me in my underwear. GAH.
In all seriousness, I am overwhelmed by all of the love you all showed me yesterday. I honestly feared 7 comments, some of them saying something like “aw, don’t feel bad, I have tons of cellulite, too.” or “I like the color of your walls.” or “what does your husband think about these photos being on your blog.”
But no, I received nothing but support from you amazing people and I am humbled and feel so fortunate to have this outlet. (that I love, because of you.)
(by the way, my husband was very supportive.)
Moving in another direction but still baby related, (I’m pretty sure every post will be baby related from now until three years from now. You have been warned)
We have this for the baby’s room:
I bought it off of Etsy (will link to it when I reveal the nursery that I may or may not finish. EVER.) This owl sits inside the baby’s crib, which sits inside the baby’s room. The room that is painted and just waiting for me to fill it with gliders and pictures and diapers and good smelling baby clothes…
Except I can’t. I can’t do anything. The bedding is sitting in a bag beside the crib. The newborn clothes are sitting in a bag, all fresh and folded (thanks to my sister, Sarah) and waiting to be placed in drawers. I walk into his room and I am paralyzed by fear. Fear that the room I am in will never actually meet this baby that RIGHT NOW is either standing, walking or break dancing inside of my belly. (I can’t tell which but HE IS SO BUSY.)
It’s a real fear. I huge anxiety for me and I am working with and am being treated by doctors for this. It hurts my heart because I want to believe … I want to believe so badly but history and my heart are stopping me with massive, ugly, barricades.
I’m hoping to force myself through, I need to do this room, not to be that person who is TOTALLY READY FOR THE BABY but to prove to myself and my heart and my kids that it’s okay to believe and dream and to have faith.
and to trust. Trust is what I need to do.
My hope is that tomorrow (or the next day or the next day) I’ll be able to pick up some baby items for his room that will help me take steps closer to chipping away at this stupid anxiety that has such a grip on my weary soul. I’m pretty sure I can beat it, but I do know that if I can’t beat it now, I most certainly will when there is a baby in my arms.