Never in a million years did I think my post from yesterday would create such a buzz, I never dreamed that so many of you would leave your heartfelt comments filled with support and I never, ever dreamed that I’d leave it up as the top post for so long.
Lord have mercy, I have got to move the photos down of me in my underwear. GAH.
In all seriousness, I am overwhelmed by all of the love you all showed me yesterday. I honestly feared 7 comments, some of them saying something like “aw, don’t feel bad, I have tons of cellulite, too.” or “I like the color of your walls.” or “what does your husband think about these photos being on your blog.”
But no, I received nothing but support from you amazing people and I am humbled and feel so fortunate to have this outlet. (that I love, because of you.)
(by the way, my husband was very supportive.)
Moving in another direction but still baby related, (I’m pretty sure every post will be baby related from now until three years from now. You have been warned)
We have this for the baby’s room:
I bought it off of Etsy (will link to it when I reveal the nursery that I may or may not finish. EVER.) This owl sits inside the baby’s crib, which sits inside the baby’s room. The room that is painted and just waiting for me to fill it with gliders and pictures and diapers and good smelling baby clothes…
Except I can’t. I can’t do anything. The bedding is sitting in a bag beside the crib. The newborn clothes are sitting in a bag, all fresh and folded (thanks to my sister, Sarah) and waiting to be placed in drawers. I walk into his room and I am paralyzed by fear. Fear that the room I am in will never actually meet this baby that RIGHT NOW is either standing, walking or break dancing inside of my belly. (I can’t tell which but HE IS SO BUSY.)
It’s a real fear. I huge anxiety for me and I am working with and am being treated by doctors for this. It hurts my heart because I want to believe … I want to believe so badly but history and my heart are stopping me with massive, ugly, barricades.
I’m hoping to force myself through, I need to do this room, not to be that person who is TOTALLY READY FOR THE BABY but to prove to myself and my heart and my kids that it’s okay to believe and dream and to have faith.
and to trust. Trust is what I need to do.
My hope is that tomorrow (or the next day or the next day) I’ll be able to pick up some baby items for his room that will help me take steps closer to chipping away at this stupid anxiety that has such a grip on my weary soul. I’m pretty sure I can beat it, but I do know that if I can’t beat it now, I most certainly will when there is a baby in my arms.
I felt that same anxiety. I’m almost 28 weeks and have just started to allow myself to buy him clothes. I feel blessed yet afraid it’s not real.
Oh, I know. I know hon.
I read something so perfect today by Kelly @ Love Well. She said that “hope” in our modern terms usually means “wish”, but “hope” in bible days meant “expectations, waiting”.
I think it’s ok to hope, the REAL hope, and to surrender to that hope.
This journey is day to day. Whatever you want and whatever you can do, DO. It’s ok. Just don’t have any regrets, ok?
Love.
Hugs, Hugs, and more hugs. I understand your feelings, I am 12 weeks pregnant with my second baby and unlike with my first I am terrified. I haven’t bought one single baby item. So as my Grannie liked to say, “Lets put on our big girl panties and deal with it.” I want you to understand that I was quote my Grannie out of love, not to hurt you.
I so get this. Thinking of you, my dear friend.
Bri
Oh Beth – this: “I need to do this room, not to be that person who is TOTALLY READY FOR THE BABY but to prove to myself and my heart and my kids that it’s okay to believe and dream and to have faith.” totally reached out and grabbed my heart.
You have so many sharing in your hopes and dreams for this baby.
Love to you and your sweet family.
xo elizabeth
You can beat this. I know the fear, but we can trust for you and believe for you and you’ll join in as you are able. Sending big hugs with much love!
What a fantastic blog and what an adorable owl!!! And I say bring on the mommy blog posts
Your pics below make me want another! So beautiful!!
Greetings from Aloha-land.
I do not recall how I found your blog, but I drop in occasionally.
I have found relief from anxieties by using a homeopathic from England call Bach Flowers. I have no idea if there are naturopathic practitioners in your state. Perhaps you can find someone trained in their application and use while someone is pregnant.
Please know that another stranger exists in the world who cares to share an idea to help you through these last weeks. For the good of you and the baby.
Blessings always ~
This all sounds so familiar! You’ll get there, you will.
Don’t be too hard on yourself! It’s normal to feel conflicting emotions over things like making–or not making–the baby’s room up in advance. However much or little you decide to do, it’s not a failing of faith on your part. It’s just you, following your gut. So just do what feels right and don’t beat yourself up.
Prayers for you to find inner peace and calm in the last few weeks.
Just do things as you feel comfortable…no sense in upsetting yourself.
After all, unless your boobs fall off….that baby will have everything he needs when he gets here.
I was stressed when I was pregnant. Then I stressed when she was born. I stressed that I didn’t stress enough and then I stressed that my being stressed was going to screw her up for life. I gave birth to anxiety long before I gave birth to her. There was the anxiety of not being able to even conceive in the first place. She’s here. She’s perfect and she has a stress relieving little Sis too. Baby Sis is a wild, accident prone mess and it has strengthened my faith in their survival. Now I’m confident we’ll manage. I look forward to hearing about your little wild thing and seeing that nursery!
Peace be, Bethie.
*hugs*
I have faith in you. You’ll get it done. And I loved the photos the other day. You look fantastic!
Oh, so hard. Hang in there. I am so glad you are taking positive steps and have support. The owl is ADORABLE, and personally looks like hope and faith to me. It is for your baby boy, and I can’t wait to see him snuggle it. I am sure the nursery will be beautiful. You get it done as you can, try not to let it take from the joy of feeling that busy baby. It’s not a failure to be afraid. As always, I think you are so courageous.
After reading that post, I thought I would pass this along to you. It was passed onto me while I was pregnant from another mom and I suppose I should keep it going. It’s a wonderful site. http://theshapeofamother.com/
And I love that cute little owl. Everyone is doing such out of the box adorable things for nurseries. Makes me feel so silly and streamline to go with Winnie the Pooh. *sigh*
Here’s the thing… you don’t HAVE to do any of this, because you know what? If you can’t between now and the moment he’s happy and healthy in your arms (and he will be), you know that we would all flock to your house and do everything in our power to make sure that you and Maxwell Hammer come home to a beautifully done nursery. So, if you can do it, I will be so proud and consumed with the hope and trust you hold in your heart. And if you can’t, I will still be just as proud, while happily doing whatever you need done. And I’ll probably raid your pantry while doing it.
Take your time. It will all come together. Your fear is completely understandable.
Sending you a hug from here!
First of all, I just want to say that I love the honesty in each and every one of your posts. I believe that is the one major reason I keep reading and following your blog.
Second, you really should take your time. There is no rush. Really, there is no need to be completely done with a baby’s room before they are born. Will they remember it? No. Will it stay all nice and pretty with everything in its place? No. And, in reality, how much time will he spend in the room once he is here? Probably not much until he is at least a few months old. My point is, that baby is going to feel love no matter if you are done with his room or not. He will still love you even if his clothes aren’t put away. So, I would not let that part of the fear consume you.
You will have this precious baby in your arms before you know it and all your stress will fade. You have a beautiful, real, and honest heart and I am sure your fears are not alone.
My prayers are with you and your family. You are such a strong momma!
One thought, if I may be so bold – who says the room has to be ready? LOL In what “rule book” do we have to “have it all together” before the baby comes? LOL
Our mantra around here has been “in 20 years will this really matter?” Your sweet little angel will have NO recollection of the nursery…only the sweet, sweet hours spent in your arms.
So, as a sister in anxiety-hood, just let it go if it causes you stress. As long as you can find what you need, leave the stuff in the bags until “little bean” arrives. (((hugs)))
Take your time, you’ll get there. Don’t feel like you have to get it all done at once. Do one thing and move on to the next when it feels right. ‘Baby’ Steps, right?? I’m so excited for you and your family. You look beautiful, by the way. You wear pregnancy well! I can’t believe how close you are to having this little one. I can’t wait to hear all about babies for the next 3 years!!
I’m no expert, but I have to believe the anxiety you’re feeling is completely normal. I know that if I had gone thru what you did, I would have the exact same feelings of uncertainty.
Love the owl & can’t wait to see the room complete (with baby)!
Anxiety can be so gripping and make you so weary, can’t it? Do only what you can do and the rest will fall into place.
Praying for peace for you.
And, seriously? You only have one more month until that precious boy is here! Yay! I, for one, certainly can’t wait!
Oh Beth. I have felt that EXACT anxiety too… It can be paralyzing at times… but you know what? If you dont stop to take it in, recognize it and acknowledge it for what it is you aren’t doing yourself any justice. This little boy will be oh so very happy in his mothers arms and his families hearts that the nursery is but a “thing”… Do what you can today.. if your capable of more tomorrow, do that… and so forth. You are an amazing woman, with a supportive family, and my god the best circle of friends a girl could have.. take it slow.. feel the love.. soak it in. There are NO expectations… Noone wants anything from you but what you have to give… And what you have to give is so incredible. It truly is.
Oh how I remember that anxiety. After losing two babies at 26 wks, my last pregnancy I was filled to the brim with it. I remember commenting to my specialist that I hadn’t even purchased ONE baby item yet…not a onesie, not bedding, not even diapers. NOTHING! And he just smiled and said that he knew women after suffering a loss that would not buy anything until the baby was born then they’d have their husband/mother/sister go to the store to get some stuff…while she was in the hospital! My doc, who specialized in high risk pregnancies and woman who have been through multiple losses, said it was completely normal and perfectly fine if I did that too.
But you know what. I finally put it aside and purchased Jaylon’s first outfit. Then the next, and the next and I began to feel alive. Began to KNOW that I’d be bringing him home with us. You just have to trust and put all faith in the fact that you’re almost there, your baby boy sounds wonderful and active and healthy and most importantly, he’s got two wonderful and beautiful big brothers watching over him and you!
And so what if you don’t have everything all tidy and put away? You’ll be holding and loving on the baby so much when he’s born he won’t need the bedding for a bit! LOL
(sorry this turned into a novel of a comment!)
That nesting instinct is going to kick in and you’ll be ENJOYING every moment of that nursery coming together exactly as you’ve been dreaming for so long now.
I keep thinking of that beautiful photo you took of me holding Eden in the hospital and I can’t wait until you take one of me holding robotdancerman.
Steph
I’m pregnant with my first and, while my anxiety and fear is probably not at the same threshold yours is, I still can understand the fear. I look at the things people have already bought for my little girl and I get so scared that she’ll never wear it.
Like many have said before me, there’s no hard and fast rule that you have to have the nursery done before the baby is here. If you can’t go in there and gain peace and happiness and joy from putting together the nursery, don’t do it. Don’t force yourself to do something that will cause more anxiety. Go curl up on the couch and close your eyes and feel him dancing around. Talk to him – I do whenever I’m feeling anxious and she rumbles around to let me know she’s there.
I wanted to write a comment yesterday but there was already so many that, you know. I wanted to tell you I thought you were beautiful ! It’s a wonderful thing you did.
So cute this owl, I wish there was an Etsy in Canada.
Beth, I love you, we love you.
What ever you need, you holler, we will be there.
I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Be easy on yourself, take these last few weeks of him dancing in your belly and roll with it. Enjoy it.
Love you
continued prayers, faith is so important. hugs!
Yes.
I’m so glad we’re friends so I don’t have to explain why I feel this so much.
Try to only think positive thoughts, you are your thoughts and your thoughts create your world. Positivity!
Sadie at heyMamas
One thing at a time. Pick one thing and do that thing today. Then tomorrow do something else.
Baby steps, dear. Quite literally, take baby steps. We’ll all be here to hold your hand along the way.
I’ve never been where you are, but I would think that you should do absolutely what you feel comfortable doing. I think it is completely fine that you are not ready to get the baby things out yet. Maybe you won’t be able to until your baby is in your arms. That is okay. It is not about lack of faith or inability to believe. It is about a very real grief and a fear that it will happen again. If you didn’t believe, you would never have even tried to get pregnant again. But you did. Peace.
sweet post… full of honesty.
mine are a bit older, but still paralizing me with fear.
my mom says that doesn’t end, even when your daughter is 45.
sigh.
oh, beth. i’m praying for you right now. for peace. for faith and quiet courage.
Hey,
I gave you a couple of blog awards, check them out on my blog
http://lifeandtimesofshelly.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-have-been-given-some-boggy-awards.html
Shelly
You do it when you are ready. You’ll get there, I know it. It’s okay.
I can only imagine.
In this instance, I say, if it causes you anxiety then forget about it. Just spend your time enjoying the acrobatics in your abdomen – the room will be fine. However, I am looking forward to seeing it when it’s done!
What wonderful insightful posts (yesterday and today). I don’t know you and certaintly do not know your story – only what I have read on your blog that I found about a month ago. But, for whatever it is worth, I believe that our heads and hearts protect us and help us journey through our best life possible. The hard, scary stuff is embraceable. Good Luck!
I’m so sorry that you have all this fear and anxiety about decorating the nursery. Fortunately you are a loving mother. Unfortunately that is what loving mothers do – have worries and fears about their children. Don’t worry about the nursery right now…besides I’m sure he’ll be in his mummy’s and daddy’s room where you can fall asleep listening to his little sounds. I’m sure you’ll finish the nursery when you are ready to.
BIG HUGS!!
I’m still giggling over your comments about yesterday’s post. “Lord have mercy, I have got to move the photos down of me in my underwear. GAH.” Snicker.
As for the rest, I say go for it. You’re brave and strong and a Mom who loves this baby. Not finishing the nursery won’t prevent something bad from happening. And finishing it will be a celebration of life and faith and love over fear and doubt.
well now. Look at that. 42 of us so far, all believing and trusting, and having absolute faith as we hold your hand. Can you feel us yet?
xxx
I will be praying for you. Hold in there.
Praying that the anxiety leaves you-altho it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. I remember after I lost the twins that every twinge or cramp with The Chicken freaked me out.
Sending so much love to you and I can’t wait to see the nursery and for you to introduce us to your lil break dancer.
xo
You’re just being the good Jewish girl you didn’t know you were! ; ) Baby will come, whether the room is done or not. Faith. That’s what got me through after losing my baby.
That anxiety is anything but stupid. You will be brave. And you will learn to trust again. And when that perfect baby boy comes into the world you will take deep breaths-long, deep, hard breaths, and you will feel a weight pull away from you.
And if the room does not feel like a room it should be until the baby gets there, then so be it. Because really? Until the baby is there with that sweet, little owl, it’s just a room anyway, right?
honestly, it was alot easier for me to start with some new things and not with the things that were bought previously. i totally understand where you are coming from. i just want you to know that it’s ok and you’ll know when you’re ready to press on…
I refused a baby shower until after Asher was born alive. I didn’t buy a single thing for him or his room until after he was born alive. Taking down a nursery unused is brutal and no way was I gonna set myself up for that again. I get it. It will turn out great for you this time, I just know it!
If I don’t comment again before then, I hope Friday is peaceful for you. I’ll be spending the day ignoring the fact that it is the day it actually is.
Oh, sweet, sweet girl — I can only imagine how you feel is 100% normal and understandable.
I can’t wait to see the pictures of you holding your new little boy in your arms. I know I’ll be moved to tears.
I love the owl. Love that it’s a bird…like your new little boy is connected to your twins.
Nell
PS
I can’t remember if I commented on your last post… though I did read it and was stirred by emotions. So if I didn’t comment, here’s my comment :–) The pregnant body is the most beautiful time in a woman’s life. And you do pregnancy well!