February 26, 2008, we held our sweet, lifeless baby boys in our arms.  I labored, pushed, held them, I slept with them.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep them warm.  {I tried so hard.}

Part of me went with them, which brings me peace knowing they have some of their Mom with them, even today, as they shine down on us every single day.

And they left so much with us, their spirits, their guidance, their unbelievable love.  They shine brighter than anything else in my world.

Which makes me ache for them, now more than ever.

They live with us, in their own way, in the only way we ALL know how.  I marvel at the fact that we as family, here are earth, and they, as brothers, beautiful in heaven, work together so intricately to create a balance of family.  A balance of love that has no boundaries.

Anna loves them with all of her heart and soul.  She never fails to say that once this baby is born in just over four weeks, that she will have FOUR brothers.   Sometimes never specifying that two are in a place that we can not see.  {but only feel.}

Noah loves but fears so much.  As the four of us worked in the baby’s room the other night, he seemed to hesitate and finally said “but WHAT IF he dies?” His knowledge of death makes my heart break, what do you say to a six year old boy who should only know LIFE and not death?

I never know what is the right thing to say back to him, I want to reassure him but I have the same thoughts, way too many times a day.  We use words like TRUST and FAITH and LOVE and HOPE.

trust.faith.love.hope.

Yes. We are trying.  And we have two boys up in heaven giving us the strength we need to do just that.  Not a day goes by that we are not grateful.

***

To all of you who love James and Jake, there are so many of you, I wish I could describe to you what the feels like, but the words, they fail me.  Just know that it’s bigger than you’ll ever know.  Thank you for remembering.  Mostly, though, thank you for loving.

J&J – I know you feel what’s in our hearts today (and every single day) – we can’t have you right now, as precious, playful, curious toddlers, we can’t smell you and hug you and kiss your owies.  But instead, we have the most perfect angel babies standing guard, offering us strength and showing us love that will never, ever leave.  It’s only grows.  It’s so beautiful and we are so grateful for you.

“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5