February 26, 2008, we held our sweet, lifeless baby boys in our arms. I labored, pushed, held them, I slept with them. No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep them warm. {I tried so hard.}
Part of me went with them, which brings me peace knowing they have some of their Mom with them, even today, as they shine down on us every single day.
And they left so much with us, their spirits, their guidance, their unbelievable love. They shine brighter than anything else in my world.
Which makes me ache for them, now more than ever.
They live with us, in their own way, in the only way we ALL know how. I marvel at the fact that we as family, here are earth, and they, as brothers, beautiful in heaven, work together so intricately to create a balance of family. A balance of love that has no boundaries.
Anna loves them with all of her heart and soul. She never fails to say that once this baby is born in just over four weeks, that she will have FOUR brothers. Sometimes never specifying that two are in a place that we can not see. {but only feel.}
Noah loves but fears so much. As the four of us worked in the baby’s room the other night, he seemed to hesitate and finally said “but WHAT IF he dies?” His knowledge of death makes my heart break, what do you say to a six year old boy who should only know LIFE and not death?
I never know what is the right thing to say back to him, I want to reassure him but I have the same thoughts, way too many times a day. We use words like TRUST and FAITH and LOVE and HOPE.
trust.faith.love.hope.
Yes. We are trying. And we have two boys up in heaven giving us the strength we need to do just that. Not a day goes by that we are not grateful.
***
To all of you who love James and Jake, there are so many of you, I wish I could describe to you what the feels like, but the words, they fail me. Just know that it’s bigger than you’ll ever know. Thank you for remembering. Mostly, though, thank you for loving.
J&J – I know you feel what’s in our hearts today (and every single day) – we can’t have you right now, as precious, playful, curious toddlers, we can’t smell you and hug you and kiss your owies. But instead, we have the most perfect angel babies standing guard, offering us strength and showing us love that will never, ever leave. It’s only grows. It’s so beautiful and we are so grateful for you.
“…we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us…”
Romans 5:3-5
bless you today and always
There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your families loss.
I’m sitting here sobbing over my computer.
Thanks for letting us into a very private part of your life and your heart.
Sending prayers your way.
This post makes me ache and weep for you and your family, but it is also beautiful and wonderful and warm. Hugs to you.
Your strength is amazing and your faith is beautiful.
Thank you for sharing your feelings.
I should not have read this during silent reading class, because now I am sniffling and trying so very hard to keep it together.
I am as thankful for James and Jake as I am for you (and the sheer amount of thankfulness I have is immeasurable). Those two boys have taught me so much, have given me so much. I love that Anna knows that she has four brothers. I don’t love that Noah is scared, but I do love that in a month, I know he will regain some of that hope and trust as he holds his new baby brother in his arms. And you. I love you SO MUCH.
Saying a special prayer for you today, friend. I love that you are so willing to share your heart with us. Love to you.
I don’t often comment, but I’m a regular reader and I love the way you have kept James and Jake in your heart and in your family. I’ll be thinking of all five of you today.
I don’t often comment, but I’m a regular reader and I love the way you have kept James and Jake in your hearts and in your family. I’ll be thinking of all five of you today.
What you said about them creating the balance of family in heaven – those are amazing words Beth. From God. From your heart.
Thinking of you all today and sending much love.
I think of J&J as I look at the two birds I placed on my mantle yesterday…
Love you.
my love goes to you today…and everyday! lots of hugs and kisses to you and your family.
You don’t know me, but I wish you peace and comfort. Thank you for sharing.
Beautiful post. I have been following you ever since you lost your precious boys. It has been 6 years since my son was stillborn and I can totally relate to everything you are feeling. I have since had a daughter and wow the emotions I felt that pregnancy were indescribable. My older daughter (3 at the time) was just like Noah…always asking if her baby sister was going to die just like her baby brother did. It broke my heart because I, too, was scared to death the same thing would happen again (umbilical cord accident that can happen to anyone at any give time). I had to push through with faith trust hope and love as well…for her and for me but man was it was.so.HARD. Hang in there and remember your sweet babies today and always.
Christie
Beth~
I read your blog daily and think of James and Jake often. I am so sorry for your loss and I will be thinking about you and your family today!
add me to the crying at my computer list. Bless you and your family.
Hugs and warm thoughts to you and your family today.
Much love and strength to your family today. You have brought James nd Jake into all of our lives and we are better for it. Bless those sweet boys!
I am praying for you and your family today!
Much love to you all!
I’m a new reader and new to their story. My deepest prayers are with you today and your sweet family. Beautiful…thank you for sharing them with all of us.
I knew there was a reason I saw the two yearling deer this morning. They say hi and they love you.
Wow…you made me cry. I couldn’t possibly imagine going through that and the fact that you are still around to be funny, witty and just happy (in all your postings) is absolutely amazing to me.
Over here, we will be praying for health and safety for you, your little one growing inside you and your family!
“Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality.” ~Emily Dickinson
Thinking of you and your sweet boys today.
Thinking of you on this special day, and always remembering your sweet James and Jake. Looking forward to the coming days that you will hold, and welcome into your family, their precious baby brother.
I’m crying as I type.
You are so strong and your love for all your children is just so beautiful it makes my heart burst.
Prayers for all of you in these final weeks…I know that J&J are looking down on you now in much excitement as they wait for their brothers debut.
Many blessings to you and your family. A very beautiful, touching post. Thank you for sharing the story and reminding me that LOVE is all around. Peace be with you!
Thinking of you and your sweet angels today.
Trust, faith, love, hope seems to be a perfect way to live to me!
I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you and your family today.
God bless you and your family today.
Sadie at heyMamas
My thoughts and love go out to you and your family. May the memories of your two little ones live on forever.
Oh Beth…I cannot imagine…but I can pray with all my heart that He would continue healing your heart. Praise Him that you WILL see them again one day.
Just big love and hugs to you! Your boys are so proud of you.
Those footprints are so precious. What a wonderful memory to be able to hold in your hands.
I am so sorry your little guys aren’t here to play with and love on.
Love from my family to yours.
My words won’t help, I know, especially since you don’t know me. But your precious little brother-boys in Heaven as well as your precious family here on Earth are in our prayers.
You faith and strength amazes me. Although I have no words to comfort you, your family is in my prayers.
The love and faith you have are very inspiring to me.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. I love you guys.
Loving you today and every day. You are so strong; I admire you for that and wish you peace.
I’m drying my eyes and sending love your way as you prepare for the newest baby boy!
I want to hug you and tell you I love you (even though I don’t know you IRL!).
I’ve had you on my mind all day and then I come home from work and read this. It amazes me how far you have come in two years. You have been a wonderful example to all of us. You have two beautiful gaurdian angels watching over you and soon you will hold their little brother in your arms. Sending big hugs and love your way today.
We’ve never met, but I cannot express how much I want to send you hugs. I’ll have to send them through Erin. And I’ll demand she bring cupcakes, too.
Thinking of and praying for you and your loved ones today.
God bless you and your family. *hugs*
Achingly beautiful.
At the risk of sounding unfeeling…I didn’t cry for this post. I smiled. The hope and the love and THE LOVE that this post exudes is so wonderful that how can you NOT feel it’s warmth?
I have never met you, but I seriously love you guys. I hope you know that.
Thinking of you today and sending love.
prayers and love to you and your family today.
I’m a new reader, but I have prayed for y’all every day since I found your blog…especially today.
You are in my heart and prayers today and always.
Hugs and love and prayers.